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Post by ionysis on Mar 24, 2008 18:17:20 GMT -5
We were talking about OW. He said he never thought about her any more. I said "really, never?". He looked at me and said "really, there is only one person who really matters in my life". And I smiled at him and I was so happy because he hadn't said anything like that to me for so long. And he said "I know... I'm selfish..."
Then I suddenly realised that he meant himself - not me at all. And I felt like something inside me died all over again.
And so he tried to explain. He said "You see you NEED me but I don't need you. I'm everything to you but I don't need any woman. There will always be things which are more important than you".
And again I'm lying here in bed sobbing my heart out. Again.
And I keep thinking "If I just give it time, if I give him the space to come to me, if I smile all the time and try to make him relaxed and happy maybe he will love me, eventually. Maybe he will try to make me happy, maybe he will be able to hold me and make love to me like he used to. Maybe he will look at me again the way he did in the beginning."
I can't go on, I can't. At Christmas I had almost escaped this terrible cage of torture and now I'm right back inside with my heart being torn to shreds again and again and again. And I can't get away.
With one hand he is offering me the possibility of living a life with the only person I've ever loved and with the other he is stabbing me over and over everytime I reach towards him.
Tonight I just want it all to stop. For the whole world to stop. I can't take this, I can't believe after over a year and a half I am still allowing myself to be wracked with pain like this.
Is it me? Should these things not bother me? Should I be able to be impervious to this pain, to shrug it off, to block it out? Am I a freak as he thinks I am to feel like I do, to love him so much, to ache for him to love me so badly? Why do I feel this way when he feels nothing?
Oh please someone tell me what to do! I need someone right now to hold me and love me and just make everything alright. I want my mother, but I can't go to her because she doesn't know I'm back in this trap. No one knows. No one can help me. No one can make this pain go away except him. He says he loves me but he won't help me or take away this pain. How can he not try to stop hurting me? How can he keep doing it? Why is he doing this to me?
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Post by lumpy on Mar 24, 2008 18:51:15 GMT -5
Then I suddenly realised that he meant himself - not me at all. And I felt like something inside me died all over again. I'm sorry, Ion. I think we've all had one of those "I can't believe the shit that's comin' out yo mouf" moments. It boggles the mind. At least he's honest...
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ladyj
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by ladyj on Mar 24, 2008 19:06:31 GMT -5
Oh please someone tell me what to do!
You put all your time, heart and energy in trying to get him to love you right. It is time for you to love yourself right. If your daughter was in a relationship like the one you have with him, what would you tell her?
Sorry for being so simplistic but that is how I see things now. And it is working for me.
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Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on Mar 24, 2008 19:38:22 GMT -5
Ok that's about all i can take of this... If you keep driving down the same street and keep running into the same wall.. when are you ever going to learn to turn the wheel at the split in the road. Stop driving into the damn wall !!!!!
You much smarter than this. You are grasping for something that isn't there because you want so badly to believe it is.. it is something that left long ago but yet you still are reliving what once was instead of facing what is. He treats you like some toy he can play with when ever he wants and discard it when he gets bored.
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Post by goods on Mar 24, 2008 19:41:35 GMT -5
Fight the addiction Ion, you crave the emotional roller coaster, get the hell off.
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Post by kittenhart on Mar 24, 2008 19:47:18 GMT -5
Then I suddenly realised that he meant himself - not me at all. And I felt like something inside me died all over again. People tell you the truth. You just need to listen. Really listen. If I just give it time, if I give him the space to come to me, if I smile all the time and try to make him relaxed and happy maybe he will love me, eventually. No. He won't. He isn't capable. It has nothing to do with you and what you are doing or are not doing, and everything to do with him and how damaged he is. With one hand he is offering me the possibility of living a life with the only person I've ever loved.... He isn't offering you this. You are projecting this onto him, hun. You want this to be true so badly. But it isn't the truth and you know it. He has NOTHING to offer you except more years of this PAIN. Am I a freak as he thinks I am to feel like I do, to love him so much, to ache for him to love me so badly? Why do I feel this way when he feels nothing? You are not a freak...you only want what every one wants for themselves. You've just misplaced it onto the wrong person. I want my mother, but I can't go to her because she doesn't know I'm back in this trap. No one knows. No one can help me. No one can make this pain go away except him. I think you should tell your mother, she knows you and loves you and can offer you support. Part of any addictions hold on you- and he is an addiction for you- is it's secrecy and the shame. Tell your mum. Don't keep it a secret. The secrecy gives it more power. And there is someone other than him who can end this pain, Ion. You know who it is, don't you?
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Post by RO on Mar 24, 2008 19:59:02 GMT -5
Save yourself Ion...
He can't save you.
You cannot save him.
You are in love with an illusion of what you want him to be.
If you separated yourself from this situation and saw it as someone that was dating your best friend or your sister...you would be sickened at what they have been put through.
You are enjoying the pain...the rush of the pain.
Walk, run...go...
This is only going to continue until there is nothing left of you...is that what you really want. Honestly? You have known what to do...you are a strong, beautiful woman...fight...fight for yourself.
You deserve so much more than what you are accepting and if you walk away...your heart will heal and you will be better in the end without him. You don't believe it because you haven't truely given yourself the chance to see it.
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Post by Phyxius on Mar 24, 2008 20:09:07 GMT -5
You mean, beyond finding a place to hide the body?
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Post by jules on Mar 24, 2008 20:21:17 GMT -5
i'm torn between wanting to shout "what a jackass" and giving him some credit for at least being honest. ditto khart all the way. she broke it down the way it is. maybe not the way you want it to be, but the way it is. i'm sorry that you're hurting...
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Post by Dave on Mar 24, 2008 20:32:27 GMT -5
i give him no points for honesty. Telling the truth you don't have to doesn't make you any less of an asshole.
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Post by ionysis on Mar 25, 2008 2:49:10 GMT -5
Neither the love avoidant nor the love addict learned adult relationship skills from their parents, and so they still act like children in relationship.
The love avoidant was smothered or abused in the past, typically as a child. The love avoidant's story is, "I'm going to get hurt. I don't want to be with somebody I have to take care of." The love avoidant has low self esteem and needs someone to admire them. The love avoidant has a thick suit of armor which makes healthy relationships impossible for lack of intimacy. In the place of imtimacy is the thrill of power and seduction. Unfortunately, the people who show interest are generally needy love addicts.
The love addict was loved and then abandoned in the past, typically as a child, and wants to get that love back. The love addict's story is, "Am I lovable, or not?" The love addict has low self esteem and needs someone to take care of them. Unfortunately the powerful, seemingly invincible people who the love addict is attracted to are generally love avoidants who will ultimately abandon them.
At first they are like magnets. The love addict gets a great fantasy going about exactly how this strong person is going to love them and make their world perfect. The love avoidant gets the attention and feels the high of power.
But then, the love addict starts making demands to fulfill the fantasy. A love addict will suck you dry. In response, instead of responding with maturity, the love avoidant puts the armor on, which triggers the love addict's terror of abandonment. The love addict shows more and more neediness, and nags, complains and blames, becoming controlling and critical, as the love avoidant distances, feeling smothered -- a vicious cycle. The love avoidant thinks, "If everything I do is wrong, why try?" Love avoidants often compensate for their fear of being smothered by getting a high somewhere else, such as cheating or substance addiction. The love addict is blind to it.
Finally, the love avoidant abandons the love addict, who crumples, hysterical and panicked, and also withdraws, heavy with fear, shame and pain. To compensate, the love addict will act out obsessively, with behaviors such as overeating and compulsive buying.
Afterwards, the love avoidant often feels guilt and fear, as the withdrawl of the love addict signals a loss of power and the possibility that someone has gotten hurt. The love avoidant will sometimes return to seduce again out of guilt. When that happens, the love addict brightens up and reengages, only to scare off the love avoidant again.
Neither the love avoidant nor the love addict face their own problems. The failed relationship is always the other person's fault. Neither of them know how to stop sucking the other one dry or how to put the armor down. I'm a total basket case. I have ADHD and I'm a Love Addict. My partner has an anxiety disorder and an "avoidant" personality. We are the worst possible combination for long term happiness. The therapist still thinks we can work things out but says we need to do a lot of work on ourselves, learn to avoid the triggers, recognise the beginning of unhealthy patters and learn to manage our emotional reactions. I really didn't think life was supposed to be this hard. It's as much my fault as his. I'm such a f*ck up. He still wants to work on things. He still says he loves me. He says no matter how many times this happens he will still be there in the morning and we'll try again and again until we get it right. I know how boring this is for everyone here. The same record played over and over. But that is just why I cannot talk to anyone else about it. I'm too ashamed. This is the only place where I can come and write these things. I'm sorry. I know it is frustrating and dull for you guys. It's just this is my only outlet. I'm trying, I really am trying to do the right thing for me. But I'm just not sure that walking away from the problems is the right thing to do. I need to face my issues and try to fix them - and that includes the issues in this relationship. Fundamentally I truly believe that we love each other for the right reasons. We just both have so much wrong with us. We have to try to help rather than hurt each other. We set each other off and are each others natural triggers. I MUST learn to control my emotions. He MUST learn to unlock his. Please be patient with me. I need this place right now.
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Post by kittenhart on Mar 25, 2008 3:38:04 GMT -5
I know how boring this is for everyone here. The same record played over and over. But that is just why I cannot talk to anyone else about it. I'm too ashamed. This is the only place where I can come and write these things. I'm sorry. I know it is frustrating and dull for you guys. It's just this is my only outlet.... Please be patient with me. I need this place right now. Still here. Still listening. (I guess what does that say about me?) ....I should get a life, I guess. Or take a sleeping pill.... (sleep, there's a concept). I understand the "just like magnets" thing, Ion....I really do. And I understand the uncertainty associated with finally walking away from that....there isn't anything to fill that hole..... at least, not that I've found yet. Maybe nothing that I will ever find, I guess. That truth can be hard to take. But instead of being sad about that (and please know that I have done alot of grieving), I am starting to come to terms with the reality that I may never find someone to fill that "hole" and that it is just going to have to be okay, anyway. I know why I have an abandonment fear....it doesn't make it particularly easier to deal with in my mind....but it does help me take some of the onus off of other people in my life, to provide stability and guarantees that simply aren't possible. Things change. Other people let you down. You let yourself down and fail other people.....and the world somehow still keeps turning on its axis. The sun rises and sets and races around to rise again. It will work out in the end
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Post by JimB on Mar 25, 2008 8:35:50 GMT -5
And so he tried to explain. He said "You see you NEED me but I don't need you. I'm everything to you but I don't need any woman. There will always be things which are more important than you". I'm actually going to come down on his side on this one. Because he's not just describing himself - he's describing me. I happen to believe I'm at my healthiest when I'm in a relationship not because I need to be, but because I choose to be. In my mind, it's a much higher compliment to pay my partner to say I want her than it is to say I need her. IMO, being "needed" puts unnecessary pressure on a relationship. As such, I'm a little perplexed by your reaction. You may need him, but does that necessarily mean he has to need you? Perhaps it's a Mars/Venus thing - his experience of love is dramatically different than yours, and doesn't require the object of his love to be at the very top of his priority list. Does that make his love any less valid than your own? I give him credit for honesty, and I also give him credit for addressing the issue at hand. You weren't talking about love, per se - you were talking about priorities and needs. You didn't ask him if he loves you, and if you had, I doubt he would have said no. I think your reaction to this particular discussion, based on what you've shared, says far more about you than it does about him. That said, let's focus on you. If one of your bedrock, non-negotiable requirements is that you be Number One on your lover's priority list, he's clearly not going to be able to fulfill that. So you must consider whether you'd rather negotiate a non-negotiable, or leave him behind. What do you think? Regardless, I don't see that he's stabbing you in the heart with this one. Rather, I see it more as you placing the knife in his hand, then taking that hand in your own and plunging it into your chest.
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Post by Dave on Mar 25, 2008 8:48:29 GMT -5
fine! jimb is smarter than me. ignore me and listen to him.
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Post by Phoenixx on Mar 25, 2008 9:18:08 GMT -5
I dont know what to say to this, except I am sorry that you are caught in this spiral of pain. I hope you find the key to your release soon....as Khart said, we're here. We're listening...
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