midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 25, 2008 22:35:34 GMT -5
i will win. i give it six months. six months or never.
i know your patterns. i haven't decided if it is all men or just the ones i come in contact with, but they seem so surprised when their patterns are observed. then they deny their patterns and and insist that the observer is wrong.
i'm pretty confident of one thing, i observed your patterns and i know them. i can read you and i know what you do.
as was said in another thread by an astute observer- you were not connected to me because you could not see what i needed.
tomorrow is day three. i will remind myself of how happy i can be. i will remind myself that i am stronger than you. i will remind myself that i know myself while you are a stranger to yourself.
i will try not to laugh. i know i am sometimes smug when i am right.
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Mar 26, 2008 12:07:51 GMT -5
i will try not to laugh. i know i am sometimes smug when i am right. I will laugh for you then.
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Post by sheyd on Mar 26, 2008 12:09:19 GMT -5
Day 3 - you go girl!!! You are doing AWESOME! Now keep focusing in other areas, so you can eventually stop keeping count!
Shey
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 26, 2008 17:01:13 GMT -5
i will try not to laugh. i know i am sometimes smug when i am right. I will laugh for you then. HA! HA! i remember when j and i were in the middle of the divorce and i was crying to my dad about how unbelievable he was and how mean he was and i how i was the smartest and prettiest girl he ever knew and he would never find another girl who would do his laundry and pack his suitcase and keep his home and care for his menagerie AND have a career. my dad kissed my head and said "one day he will realize what he gave up and come crawling back. then you will have to decide what you will say to him." i laughed and said my dad was biased and that that would never happen. a year later he called me crying from a corn field telling me i was the best this and the best that and the best thing that ever happened to him and he had no idea how much work it was to keep up the house. i was speechless. it turns out, my parents are almost always right. how did they get so smart? i remember being tough and telling my dad that i would tell j to stuff it when he came crawling back- but i was really hoping that he would hurry up and come crawling back because we were wasting time and money with the divorce. i was afraid to tell my dad that i thought i would melt into a puddle and forgive him and we would live happily ever after. i was numb when it happened. part of me wanted to say "i told you so, " but i couldn't stoop that low, even considering how low he went. sadly, while it was only a year later, i didn't want him in my life. j- i will need you to do the laughing for me. i won't have it in my heart to laugh at him- i'll be so sad that he kept fucking things up all around him. please promise me that you will laugh for me!
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 26, 2008 17:05:33 GMT -5
Day 3 - you go girl!!! You are doing AWESOME! Now keep focusing in other areas, so you can eventually stop keeping count! Shey that's funny, shey- i was just thinking that i couldn't wait to get to the point where i didn't need to keep count! today was easier. they won't all be this easy, but being good to myself feels so much better than the way i short-changed for a year and a half! while i know his patterns, he knows my patterns. i can be counted on to lose it at some point. i plan to break that pattern because it shows him that i am always hanging around for him.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 27, 2008 17:28:11 GMT -5
i want to try to remember the things i liked about you before i totally forget you...
i love that you wanted to drive 30 miles to pick me up for our first date, that was adorable!
i love the wikipedia entry you wrote about me!
i love that when we got serious, you went out and bought "the girliest" shampoo and shower gel because you wanted me to stay at your place all the time.
i love that you tricked me into meeting your parents because i wasn't ready to meet them and you really wanted them to meet me.
i love that you let me order that pizza with perreroni, onions and green pepper and it wasn't what you wanted. i love that you didn't complain and that i had no idea that you actually wanted something different. i love that you didn't suggest having your toppings on the other side of the pizza, i love that you just ate what i wanted and said that sometimes you have to compromise.
i loved that you would leave me post-it notes all over the place, even inside my book!
i loved that you took half a day off work to drive me to the airport. and then you took the whole day off to pick me up (i still hate coming home to that terminal, i always expect to see you waiting under the sign).
i loved your text messages while i was in court getting divorced and i loved the way you listened to me cry and cry and cry. i love that you always knew what to say and you really knew how to listen.
i loved your sense of humor. i loved that you understood my sense of humor.
i love all of the songs you sent me and i loved when you would call me and tell me a song reminded you of me. i loved when you typed out the words to a song on email like you were singing it.
i loved the way you picked up my nephew when he was only a year and a half. it was like you loved him the way i love him.
i loved the way you kept reciepts as sentimental keepsakes,
i loved how you liked it when i left things at your place because it meant i was coming back.
i'm going to live. i still cannot believe you are gone for good and forever.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 27, 2008 19:23:57 GMT -5
i guess i should wrap this up soon. even acknowledging that i have any pain over this is hurting me. i need to not think about you at all. why can't i forget so instantly the way you forgot me?
i thought i bombed that interview two weeks ago. i had been crying all morning about you and my dad's transplant. i called you and couldn't even speak- i just cried. i was sure i bombed that interview. they called this morning- second interview tomorrow morning. when i got the call on my cell i thought it was you for a split second- the area code and exchange are the same as yours. then i freaked out because i don't know how to quit this job. i'm so afraid. i wanted to call you and ask your advice, even though i know what you would say.
i realized that when i give up on something is when i get what i want. it took them forever to call me in for the interview- i actually wrote them off half an hour before i was called to schedule the first interview. this morning i decided that they just weren't going to move on me. then they called.
i deleted j from my cell phone on his birthday over two years ago- i wanted to talk to him on his birthday, but i knew i couldn't call him and he would never call me. deleted. and that was very significant. i officially let him go on his birthday. i have deleted you so many times it is no longer significant. i also let you go on your birthday.
i used to feel distracted and disjointed and frantic when you were not in my life. i don't feel those things now, but i do feel a hole.
i'm still mired in thoughts of what you said versus what you did. i still want to make sense of it. i want to be emotionally inert. i no longer want to feel the pain of your absence. do you miss me? do you hurt? do you ever want to go outside and scream?
was i nothing? really?
i guess the bottom line is that there is something wrong with you, whatever it is and whatever the reason. i cannot find an answer for it and will hurt myself trying. i'm having a long a hard time accepting that you are gone. you are gone. forever.
i last spoke to you a week ago. we went six weeks on two occasions. each day will turn into a week and each week will turn into a month until we don't care to count anymore.
a terrible part of me hopes you will hurt like i hurt. you deserve to hurt a little.
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Mar 27, 2008 19:48:36 GMT -5
I will laugh for you then. HA! HA! i remember when j and i were in the middle of the divorce and i was crying to my dad about how unbelievable he was and how mean he was and i how i was the smartest and prettiest girl he ever knew and he would never find another girl who would do his laundry and pack his suitcase and keep his home and care for his menagerie AND have a career. my dad kissed my head and said "one day he will realize what he gave up and come crawling back. then you will have to decide what you will say to him." i laughed and said my dad was biased and that that would never happen. a year later he called me crying from a corn field telling me i was the best this and the best that and the best thing that ever happened to him and he had no idea how much work it was to keep up the house. i was speechless. it turns out, my parents are almost always right. how did they get so smart? i remember being tough and telling my dad that i would tell j to stuff it when he came crawling back- but i was really hoping that he would hurry up and come crawling back because we were wasting time and money with the divorce. i was afraid to tell my dad that i thought i would melt into a puddle and forgive him and we would live happily ever after. i was numb when it happened. part of me wanted to say "i told you so, " but i couldn't stoop that low, even considering how low he went. sadly, while it was only a year later, i didn't want him in my life. j- i will need you to do the laughing for me. i won't have it in my heart to laugh at him- i'll be so sad that he kept fucking things up all around him. please promise me that you will laugh for me! I always have your back M. I will be there laughing for you and giving you a big virtual smoochers too. Hang in there. he had sooo many fucking chances M....so many chances. He screwed up bad. But this ride is fucking hell.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 27, 2008 20:16:02 GMT -5
thanks, j. he never wanted the chances he had with me. if i look back on the whole thing, i can see that now. he never really wanted me.
when he comes back, it is only about him. everything is always on his terms and the way he wants it.
if i hear from him again, it will be because he wants to verify that i am not still angry with him. he doesn't care about how i became angry, he just doesn't want to be the bad guy.
he wants to be friends someday. obviously that is impossible, but i wonder what his motivation is. he knows how sick and twisted our "friendship" is, he knows that doesn't work. does he want it so he can keep his finger on me? does he want it because he cannot give it up? why would he want it when he knows what our friendship amounts to and he had repeatedly made choices that exclude me?
if i hear from him again it will be when he sends me an email with a song attached and nothing else. he will continue to click on my locked myspace page. he will continue to google earth my address. he will continue to be empty and broken. i will hear from him when he cannot stand the silence any longer and he realizes that buying the farm wasn't the golden ticket.
...then i will have to decide what i will say to him.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 28, 2008 19:56:01 GMT -5
i'm going to adjust the no contact clock. i'm going to say that today is a week and a day. it has been a week and a day since i spoke to you. it has been a week and a day since you offered to discuss things further at a later date when i calmed down. it has been less than a week and a day since i unloaded on you over e-mail- but it has been a week and a day since we last spoke. actually, no contact started on the 21st and you know how significant the 21st of every month is. OMG! i just realized that! i couldn't have planned that one better- i am now so glad it was the 21st, much easier to keep track.
i wonder why i have such a hard time connecting to people. i met many people before i met you and there was nothing. then i met you. i have met many people since you , and there is nothing. i never told you about my friend shelia, but she was like my soul sister- she and i connected in an amazing way. we also had a fight over nothing and haven't spoken in years. i often think about her and wonder why it happened or how we allowed it.
then there is you. i connected with you in the same way. i have told you things without batting an eyelash that i never would tell another soul under the penalty of torture. you were different, just like shelia. you are also totally gone. just like shelia.
i am surprised that i have gone so long without second-guessing my decision to go the fuck off on you. usually i apologize immediately. i am having slight pangs of weakness, but i know that i was not wrong to call you out. it may have pissed you off, but i was not wrong. you deserved more.
i got the job, now i am scared. i realize that i run when i cannot handle things. i know i cannot change my boss and that is why i must leave. there are things that are great about my job, but things that i cannot tolerate. i feel like i am shedding all of the dead skin- all users and abusers be out! i am afraid to quit and i realize that it will be like a break-up. i know that i cannot do it without tears and i know there will be an "it's not you, it's me," moment. i know he will ask if he had not given me everything i could ask for (he has not given me what he needs to be competitive and it always come at a great cost to me). he will feel betrayed and i will feel guilty as if i have betrayed him. i will pretend i am you breaking up with me when i have to break up my dysfunctional work relationship.
you know how you were always jealous of mc? i don't know why- he was my friend before i met you and is the very definition of a platonic friend- he has always been there for me as a friend. i wanted to cry as i left my interview today. they showed me my work space and it has a window overlooking a wooded lot. it is such a contrast to where i work now. i was thinking that i didn't think i was up for the change. i would have called you, in another time i would have called you- and you would have told me that this is the best and smartest thing for me. you would have made me feel better about making a change. i called mc- he was there.
i still have to quit my job and i am a chicken to do it. i do feel like i am letting him down, but he hasn't done much but walk all over me. i feel like part of me is just running away, but i know that i cannot fix the real problems there. i feel like i need a change of scenery, as just being there reminds me of a part of my life i want to forget.
am i making a mistake? will i be happy?
every time i get weak and think i need you, i must remember that you used me. i remind myself that you couldn't possibly have loved me to have done what you did.
it is much better to know i fucked my life up on my own rather than know that i allowed someone else to help me fuck it up. i'll probably hate the new job and be sad for a while, but i will live.
one week and a day. that means i am now on week two. getting over the previous record of six weeks will mean..i don't know what it will mean, but i will be thrilled.
here's to resisting the temptation to apologize to you for calling you an asshole and telling you to fuck off!
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Post by lumpy on Mar 28, 2008 20:00:16 GMT -5
i never told you about my friend shelia, but she was like my soul sister- she and i connected in an amazing way. we also had a fight over nothing and haven't spoken in years. i often think about her and wonder why it happened or how we allowed it. then there is you. i connected with you in the same way. i have told you things without batting an eyelash that i never would tell another soul under the penalty of torture. you were different, just like shelia. you are also totally gone. just like shelia. Yeah, but Shelia had a nicer rack.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 29, 2008 10:48:48 GMT -5
i never told you about my friend shelia, but she was like my soul sister- she and i connected in an amazing way. we also had a fight over nothing and haven't spoken in years. i often think about her and wonder why it happened or how we allowed it. then there is you. i connected with you in the same way. i have told you things without batting an eyelash that i never would tell another soul under the penalty of torture. you were different, just like shelia. you are also totally gone. just like shelia. Yeah, but Shelia had a nicer rack. she did have a nice rack...but we were JUST friends! i just found our sorority pledge pictures and those were pretty wild- too bad we weren't cut out for sorority life!
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 29, 2008 16:21:50 GMT -5
oh sweet jesus! fuck you, asshole. fuck you!
i told you i knew you. do i fucking know you or are you predictable? wtf!!!?!?
i loved it when you told me the last time we spoke that i was a "bad breaker-upper, " as in seinfeld. i didn't do the breaking up, so i don't HAVE to be good at it. considering the circumstances, i was an EXCELLENT dumpee.
there was one thing that was uncomfortable and that is that you are abusive. i'm sorry, but i was careful about how i worded it and tried not to attack you. i don't know- i'm a novice at telling people such things.
the rest was all break-up stuff. i'm sorry that you cannot handle that i was hurt. i sent it to your second account that you don't check. i didn't get in your face about it. i didn't call you. i fucking wrote it in 87 emails and sent it to an email account that was supposed to be dormant. the fact that you were even checking that account says so much. buying the farm didn't buy your happiness?
i know what your response will be: you will say that after i said one thing you didn't like, it was a good thing you chose a totally different path. i KNOW you. and that is manipulative and abusive.
what was it? one week and two days? i read the email. and i responded to it. you wanted me to respond, but i did not respond the way you wanted. i continued to stand up for myself and not kiss your ass.
this has not set me back. i gave you up. i got the job offer today- fucking fantastic. i thought karma was going to kick my ass, but she seems to be kissing me on the forehead. now i can get rid of the other manipulative, womanizing abuser in my life. i also signed my lease for the next year today. monday is the anniversary of my divorce. i fucking feel fantastic.
you were the booby prize. buy that POS house- you live in a house of cards.
you pop back in because i deviated from my pattern- i fucking walked away from you when i had enough. yes, i still hurt, but i do not need to continue to thrust the rusty knife into my heart.
i know i gave you hope, you gave me grief.
you cannot believe what i SAID to you? i cannot believe what you DID to me.
now, let's reset that clock...
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on May 13, 2008 17:12:46 GMT -5
i always hoped i was mistaken about you. i hoped that i was overreacting about you and that you were not really an abusive and manipulative prick. i hoped that i was wrong, i wanted any excuse.
your reaction to me getting a great new job was interesting- you didn't want me out in the world meeting new people. you like me isolated. you didn't want me to take the new job because the company is huge and would expose me to NEW PEOPLE. and people my age. yup, you're an abuser. you didn't care about the professional opportunities or career development. you didn't even care about the raise and perks- you only didn't want me exposed to the opposite sex.
yesterday you told me that you liked me better when i was a needy, clingy, crazy bitch. really? you prefer that? the warning bells are going off! at least when i was a crazy bitch, i kept you on your toes, but it isn't exactly healthy. we always joked that i was merely "romantic comedy" crazy, not "boil your bunny" crazy. being needy and clingy got me no where with you- i am glad that i have evolved into an emotionally and financially independant human being. what do you gey from me being your emotional door mat? it is the currency of the abuser.
i'm glad you went to the bathroom and threw up when i told you i met someone. i have an opportunity to be happy and move on. i'm sorry that you cannot deal with it, you have made so many choices and they all exclude me.
my neediness and clinginess is what kept you going for the last two years. it is what made you believe that i would take your shit indefinitely. you had a dream this weekend that i was gone- because i AM gone. i told you that the last time was our last break-up, you laughed and said we had a future.
the way you answered the phone the last time i called you was inexcusable and demands an apology. you ring my phone off the hook if i don't answer. you text me all day wondering where i am when you cannot find me- but i call you worried because you have not returned my call or email and you chew me out? i am not a fortune teller, you are an asshole.
enjoy your life. enjoy that big stupid jeep parked on the front yard that you cannot take off-road because it is a lease. enjoy every moment of it before the repo man comes to take it away. enjoy that house you bought- what a ridiculous joke. enjoy the replacement dog. please leave me alone. when you are bored on the road- leave me alone. when you are bored at home- leave me alone. when you are bored at work- leave me alone. when you are losing your mind because your life is a bigger mess now than ever- leave me alone.
please stop creating one obstacle after another in your life only to turn around and blame me and accuse me of being without faith or optimism. own up to your mistakes and solve your own problems. stop trumping yourself and blaming me. aren'y you tired yet?
know your heart.
i don't trust you.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on May 15, 2008 18:29:23 GMT -5
i think this will be the last of this. today we officially closed the door. boy, was that ugly or what? i know we have declared ourselves over a million and three times, but i know that this is it. you promised to send no more reminders that you love me in any form. i have promised no more hate mail. now we just have to keep our promises.
i always forget that you deal with hurt by being cold, rude and removed. i deal with hurt by expressing anger. i don't even understand what you said to me- you made no sense. what were you even talking about?
you have a phenomenally atrocious memory. it was may 1 that you called me having a shit fit about me moving on. you cussed and swore at me and told me to shut up and listen. you told me that i wasn't worth anything. you told me that all attempts on my part to move on and get over you would be a temporary balm. i listened. i listened to you for forty minutes. you went to the bathroom and threw up. you told me that you loved me and that you wanted us to work. you told me you were afraid you were going to lose me. you convinced me to give you a 657th chance.
today you have walked away. again. it is the last time you will walk away from me. have your nightmares about me. have your sadness. leave me alone. if you love me the way you say you did, let me move on.
i am pretty sure that you made several contradictions in what you said to me, i'm going to try not to analyze it. i am not sure if what you said was to denigrate what i was or thought i was to you. you brought up my divorce several times and i am not sure what it has to do with today. i was dealing with the aftermath of my divorce when you met me two years ago. i can out of my divorce a stronger and better person, and i still love you. i cannot speak for you, but i know what is in my heart, don't think for a second that you can tell me otherwise.
i thought it was funny that you walked out of my life again and found yourself unable to wish me well in my future. why is that? i wished you well, that is all i want for you.
i want you to carefully consider that i did not treat you the way you treated me. i did not get in your face like a maniac and tell YOU that all of your attempts to get over me would be a colossal failure. i didn't call you up yelling and screaming and yelling, telling you you were a fool. i wish you well.
i asked you to stay away. you admitted before that you were being manipulative by "reminding" me that you love me, reminding me of your presence. you probably conveniently forget this, but you told me that you don't want me to forget you and that is your motivation. even as i spoke to you today, you had justifications and reasons for reappearing. you just get lonely or sad. you feel compelled to tell me that you love me. you have abdicated your position in my life, you are not allowed to exercise such liberties. if you have chosen to walk out of my life for good, that includes cessation of manipulative messages carefully crafted to rattle my cage. you siad you would try- you must do more than try. you must not.
i came home and i cried. i cried because i don't know what i ever was to you and i cried because i will miss you. i cried because i cannot separate fact from fiction and i cried because i think i am crazy. i cried because i cannot imagine my life without you in it. as i cried, i took a sip from the heavy crystal tumble that was a wedding gift (the only wedding gift i kept), and i chipped my tooth. muther fucker! it is all your fault, i wouldn't have done it if i wasn't crying over you. then i wanted to call you and tell you that i chipped my tooth crying like a fool. oops, i can't call you, you walked away after begging for another opportunity to discard me.
i do wish you well. and i wish myself well.
i know what i need to do, i am just afraid to do it.
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