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Post by rocko on May 8, 2008 8:49:22 GMT -5
I went back and read some of my earliest posts on Ojar. I was such a broken little piece of who I really am. So raw and pitiful. I was so rejected and depressed.
I have come so far. Thanks for the inspiration.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 9, 2008 7:36:40 GMT -5
You're welcome, Rocko..
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Post by Phoenixx on May 12, 2008 4:01:13 GMT -5
More dreams of you...I have no words to explain how I feel, and less than none that I could share with you.
Once again, it hurts.
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Post by sheyd on May 12, 2008 11:06:01 GMT -5
I'm so sorry - dreams are the worst. They catapult you directly into emotions without your brain being able to do anything to modify it. It can take awhile to shake the effects. At least you can take pride in the fact that you are staying strong, and sharing here instead of where it will hurt you even more than the dream.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 12, 2008 16:42:46 GMT -5
Thanks Sheyd. It hasn't really hit me in my waking hours yet so its hitting my subconscious. I know this road. I have to be okay at the end of it...I have no other choice.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 13, 2008 3:47:02 GMT -5
*sighs*
Why everytime I close my eyes? You're not that person anymore, and I miss him. I can't keep dreaming about you. You're not worth my pain. And I have so much.
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Post by sheyd on May 13, 2008 11:31:17 GMT -5
You're right - he ISN'T that person... so maybe the dreams are trying to get you to see what it is you want in life - as in a person who is TRULY like that - NOW. So... it isn't HIM in your dreams, it is your fantasy... maybe if you think like that you can change the face in your dreams?
Shey
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Post by RO on May 13, 2008 12:58:20 GMT -5
Phoenixx- I still say like we talked about this morning that you are just coming to terms with it all in your dreams... Your subconscious is dealing with the details. YOU are already so ahead of the game.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 13, 2008 14:23:15 GMT -5
Thank you both...it's nice to see that thereare people out there for me. Even when I am feeling so low.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 13, 2008 14:31:34 GMT -5
I just thought of something....it was like you didn't want to love me. Like, you loving me would stop you from living your own life. Maybe because of the way you lived your life previously to sharing it with me, previously when loving someone meant changing your entire life to fit around their wants. But I didn't ask for that type of love. I didn't want that type of love. I encouraged you to live your life. I loved you enough to let you go. And even when you disappeared, and hurt me, and came back, I still loved you. What more proof did you need, that I was happy you were happy? That I was happy for you to go? That you leaving meant my pain, but I still encouraged it. What further proof did you need? It's like you struggled so much against us, that in the meantime, quietly, I just faded away. And you don't see...don't see that if you ever look up you will realise that I am not there anymore. I would have waited for us...don't get me wrong, I would have enjoyed my life, but I would have waited for us, for you.
What a shame. What a hearbreaking, crying shame - that I miss us, and you can't see me anymore.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 14, 2008 4:02:29 GMT -5
Oh, God...I found a letter. I found a letter you wrote me, and I can't stop crying. Thought I had thrown them all away, and I want to email you right now so badly and ask whether you meant any of that, whether we meant anything. OH, I can't believe how I feel right now, I thought it wouldn't hit me this time, but it has. I can't stop crying because I miss us, I miss us so badly right now. I don't get why you would do this to me, to us. I don't understand. What happened? I don't understand what happened? I wish you had told me you didn't love me, wish you wouldn't say and do one thing, and then change all of a sudden. What happened to us? What happened to our plans? I don't understand and I wish I did because I realy really want to let go. But every time I see a tiny little thing that reminds me of us, I just...break down, because I want that back. Damn it, why can't you just tell me you hate me? Or never loved me at all, because at least that would shock me into letting go. I could hate you then. For lying. Stop maintaining you love me. Well..considering we don't speak anymore you aren't. But that's my last memory of you.
i can't even breathe right now.
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Post by RO on May 14, 2008 8:26:11 GMT -5
Hugs...sorry.
Seeing the words is a shocker, I am sure because it brings back that rush of emotions and the memories of what it was like at that time.
You have to remember that he is different and actions speak SO much louder than words.
You are a writer and passionate about the written word and they are powerful but in this instance...look at his actions...especially most recently.
Phoenixx, you do not need nor want this TOXIC in your life anymore.
You are far to beautiful to be weighed down by his immaturity and selfishness.
I know you are hurting...sending you hugs...and hoping the sun is shining somewhere in your world today.
You know where to find me.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 15, 2008 3:35:16 GMT -5
Hey RO...thank you for that. I really needed to hear that. For a minute there, I thought I was going a little insane. This morning wasn't too great either, but I am doing okay. I have to be okay at the end of this, I have no choice. In the meantime, I am blessed to have your words! Thank you!
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Post by RO on May 15, 2008 6:51:37 GMT -5
Hey RO...thank you for that. I really needed to hear that. For a minute there, I thought I was going a little insane. This morning wasn't too great either, but I am doing okay. I have to be okay at the end of this, I have no choice. In the meantime, I am blessed to have your words! Thank you! I believe you will be GREAT. There is no other option. You have far to many dreams to achieve and a lifetime of adventure to live. You have many friends that want to meet YOU and a list of crazy things you want to achieve in the States as well as the Phoenixx experience abroad... Wonderful memories to create and many new people to meet that will touch your life. This is just a bump in the road. I believe your friend is wise...you can't always control who you love but you can control what you allow them to do to you. And consider this, do they really love you the way you deserve if this is how they repeatedly choose to treat you? I don't think that is the love you are seeking nor do I feel it is the love you deserve.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 15, 2008 9:36:34 GMT -5
RO -
you're so right. I have so much to look forward to, and so much of myself and my life to share with others, friends and potential partners. For the way I gave of myself, unreservedly, I do deserve a better kind of love (if that is even what it was). I can't help wanting and missing the past (for the moment) but God has granted me the gift of knowing what is good for me (well, in this instance), and right now, focusing on my life and myself is it.
It's good to get these reminders - slipping back into it seems so easy in those quiet, painful moments.
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