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Post by Phoenixx on May 20, 2008 19:47:41 GMT -5
I just posted this in the poetry section, but realised it is to you...so here. The last poem I ever wrote about you. Maybe it wont be the last last, but so far I have no desire to write anymore. It isn't my best work - but i think I gave my best to you...
I do not think about you
You are just another breath caught in that moment when I open the door --and then my eyes, blinking the light fading in through the shutters softly moulded filters through each slant I do not think about the shafts of your hair laying across sun drenched sunday surfaces
I draw us quivering but imagine chimera instead and I pretend with eyes and face and body that it is not about you I do not think about your lips pressed close blood filled vessels
Sometimes you are even just a passing thought fixing me by porcelain basins teeth bared above minted mounds our laughter echoing across tiles in bathrooms I do not think about midnight conversations crumbling amongst electrical impulses
Missing you is just another facet of my being
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Post by Phoenixx on May 22, 2008 12:56:50 GMT -5
I really, really want to forget you...
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Post by sheyd on May 22, 2008 13:15:50 GMT -5
I think a lot of people think it would be good to forget... I am not one of them. You don't need to forget your past - it made you who you are (and you are a pretty wonderful person!) What you need to be striving for is PEACE with those memories, and a comfort in the life you have without him in it daily. He is still out there, but your life is going on without daily contact, that's all.
Just keep busy, create new wonderful memories that don't include him, and keep making those new and old connections with friends and other interests. You are doing better than you think you are!
Shey
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Post by Phoenixx on May 23, 2008 4:33:54 GMT -5
Right now, Sheyd, I'd settle for forgetting the entire saga...
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Post by Phoenixx on May 26, 2008 7:05:33 GMT -5
Someday we will have been apart longer than we were together....the idea fills me with such sadness, it turns into a physical illness. I miss you today.
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Post by sheyd on May 28, 2008 8:17:02 GMT -5
I hope you are feeling better today... The longer apart, the less that will bother you, because you will realize life is better when you are enjoying now, rather than counting wishes.
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Post by Phoenixx on May 28, 2008 10:48:00 GMT -5
Hey Sheyd- thank you... you're right. I do feel better today. Don't know how this time heals thing works, but today I feel ok (ish) and right now thats all I care about...
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 2, 2008 18:25:48 GMT -5
i'm listening to Anthony Hamilton, and as usual you pop into my thoughts. Mellow evenings spent hugged up in bed, listening to jazz or smooth radio songs, candles burning and conversation...still wondering what happened to us?
*sigh* i'm so tired of missing you...its so obvious you've forgotten me. Wish I could do the same...
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Post by RO on Jun 2, 2008 20:36:22 GMT -5
*sigh* i'm so tired of missing you...its so obvious you've forgotten me. Wish I could do the same... They are only fleeting moments now, beautiful. Just remember that if nothing else. Try to remember how far you have come. I know you had several disappointments earlier today but please try to remember that there are tons of positives happening as well. Don't forget our deal. Hold out your hand...something healing this way comes. <3 ~me
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 4, 2008 5:19:33 GMT -5
Thanks RO sweety
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 4, 2008 5:25:32 GMT -5
S - its hard to remember this when I am missing you, which really is every single day. But its easy when I look back on what happened. You're not worth me or my time. I spent a lot of time thinking of you, consciously or unconsciously - and I can honestly say I didn't cause us. Yes, I made mistakes, terrible ones sometimes. But - I loved you. Throughout it all, I loved you. Guess it was interesting and fun chasing me when I wouldn't commit to you, when it was you convincing me of 'our plans' and laughing each time I said "no". But as soon as I started saying "yes", something I thought you wanted, you started backing away. I don't know. I don't know. I'm too tired to keep trying to figure it out. I won't. Once again, you're not worth me or my time, not even my friendship.
Someday I'll forget you. Although it makes me sad to the point of tears to think of 'us' being forgotten, its better than hurting all the time. You gave all of this up, and you're never gonna find someone like me again. So, I say this in love, but screw you. You're not worth me or my time, not even my friendship.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 4, 2008 8:06:27 GMT -5
Someday I'll forget you. Although it makes me sad to the point of tears to think of 'us' being forgotten, its better than hurting all the time. YES YES YES YES!!!! You won't ever forget, honey, you will just attach less importance to the memory. But that IS what it takes to get away from hurting all the time. Let it scab over, let it heal, let it not hurt so much, so you can focus on the rest of you, the parts that weren't hurt, and that still have growing to do. This was such a good post - you have come so far!!!
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 4, 2008 8:23:32 GMT -5
Thank you Sheyd. Not sure how long this is going to last, but its easier every day, I guess. Right now - though I'm probably jinxing it - I'm doing purty good ;D
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 5, 2008 9:22:26 GMT -5
I came in last night -and I can't remember whether I was thinking of you. I wore red yesterday. For myself, I completely over-dressed for a trip to the cinema and cocktails, but I wore red for myself. And I felt - powerful. And sexy. In red shoes with four inch heels that cost way too much, I felt powerful and sexy. And I didn't think of you. When I got in, and as I got ready for bed, I thought of the laughs I had, had and - I can't remember thinking of you. It has been almost a year since you first left, almost a year since you threw me away like a soggy used tissue, and finally, I had an evening out without thinking of you afterwards.
This morning when I woke, I did think of you. In the cinema I thought of you, especially as the character cried her broken heart out. But I don't care, because last night, for the first time ever, I didn't wish I was coming home to you. I was glad to have me.
I don't know what that means. It probably wont last. I still miss you. But hey, I'm ok. I'm taking whatever feelings I have left for you as a compliment to me - I know how to love.
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Post by jules on Jun 5, 2008 12:50:33 GMT -5
aw, phoenixx, you and your sexy red 4" heel shoes rock.
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