AMG
New Member
Posts: 40
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Baggage
May 18, 2008 11:53:02 GMT -5
Post by AMG on May 18, 2008 11:53:02 GMT -5
I want to leave all my old relationship baggage behind. I am tired of looking back and feeling a little pit open in my stomach. I want to be set free. I want to let go of my hate, my sorrow, i want to forgive and truly move on. I want to look back and remember good things with a little smile in my heart. I want to truly heal.
Problem is... I dont know how.
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Baggage
May 18, 2008 14:51:25 GMT -5
Post by Phoenixx on May 18, 2008 14:51:25 GMT -5
Neither do I...
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Baggage
May 18, 2008 15:47:30 GMT -5
Post by redskyatnight on May 18, 2008 15:47:30 GMT -5
I found that thoughts were the thing that got me the most. It takes time and work. When I start having thoughts that remind me of my past relationship, I have to tell myself to stop. Festering on the thoughts does no good. Right after telling myslef to stop, I have to MAKE myself think of something else.
I also have to have something else to think about. I MAKE myself think about what to do at work, things the kids need, grocery lists, going out with frineds, anything to get my mind off of it. The thoughts will continue to creep into consciousness, but with practice, it gets better, slowly.
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Baggage
May 18, 2008 16:16:14 GMT -5
Post by kittenhart on May 18, 2008 16:16:14 GMT -5
I used to get annoyed when people said to me that it just takes time, but now I am thinking they are right.
I am not in the same kind of heart ripping pain that I was in 10 months ago.....it is getting easier. In terms of getting rid of the creeping thoughts entirely, I'm not sure, but i have to hope that, again, more time is what is needed.
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Baggage
May 18, 2008 18:54:08 GMT -5
Post by jules on May 18, 2008 18:54:08 GMT -5
I don't know if baggage can be left behind. It becomes a part of you, for better or for worse. Maybe it's just a matter of accepting it.
I sort of like the attitude of the character Mimi in "Rent":
"Life's too short, babe, time is flying I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine"
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AMG
New Member
Posts: 40
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Baggage
May 20, 2008 17:20:08 GMT -5
Post by AMG on May 20, 2008 17:20:08 GMT -5
I still look back at the relationship that brought me here (ojar) with a profound sadness. I still feel a great sense of loss and ALOT of anger and really can not dwell there that long. And, its been 2 years and 4 months.
I have dated 2 people since then and feel the same way... to a lesser degree. I just wonder if it is because I have yet to come to complete terms with the "big one." Or maybe I am projecting some of these feelings onto the "lesser" relationships.
I just want to be able to look back and see them for what they were and be thankful for the good times spent together. Does forgiveness play a part in this? Because I can tell you with 100% certainty that I am nowhere near forgiveness! I do feel such anger... mostly for him getting back into the drug lifestyle. I do realize that we are both human and make mistakes, and he did take alot of my bs. But I think about the drug use and other woman and my blood starts to boil! Could it be that I am just now reaching the anger phase? Do I somehow have to find a way to let go of this until I can truly move on?
It tends to make one miserable when they look back on their life and feel so much sorrow for such a long period of time.
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Baggage
May 20, 2008 21:53:18 GMT -5
Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on May 20, 2008 21:53:18 GMT -5
Your the only one looking back right now and feeling bad about it. There were two people in he relationship and only one of those two do you understand or even know the thoughts of.
I have explained my thoughts on it several times to other people as "waves". Looking out on the ocean you see them rolling in one after another. Some larger than the next some smaller, but all creating its own energy.. then crashing on the shore only to fade back into the water to create another. Many of those waves will hold anger.. resentment.. hurt.. frustration.. and pain. But sooner or later they must crest and wash back into our lives. We absorb them, remembering what they were and learn to deal with them better as time goes on. Every once in a while a storm will come rolling in and those emotions that we thought had settled to the bottom will resurface. It is how you deal with the surf that will define you and also guide you through. The more those feelings get washed back in.. the better you will be able to deal with and understand them.. for you have seen them many times over.
I don't think things ever truly get washed away.. just drug down deeper.
There will be days you will look over the tranquil water and think of the happier days when the surf was not so turbulent. So times I think we want the rougher seas just so that we can be reminded of that person.. so it doesn't hurt so much when we realize they have already crashed on the shore and rescinded.
Somedays we just ride the waves and hope for the best... others we understand the wave and know when to padle back out and wait for a better one.
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Baggage
May 20, 2008 23:03:34 GMT -5
Post by crushy on May 20, 2008 23:03:34 GMT -5
Your the only one looking back right now and feeling bad about it. There were two people in he relationship and only one of those two do you understand or even know the thoughts of. I have explained my thoughts on it several times to other people as "waves". Looking out on the ocean you see them rolling in one after another. Some larger than the next some smaller, but all creating its own energy.. then crashing on the shore only to fade back into the water to create another. Many of those waves will hold anger.. resentment.. hurt.. frustration.. and pain. But sooner or later they must crest and wash back into our lives. We absorb them, remembering what they were and learn to deal with them better as time goes on. Every once in a while a storm will come rolling in and those emotions that we thought had settled to the bottom will resurface. It is how you deal with the surf that will define you and also guide you through. The more those feelings get washed back in.. the better you will be able to deal with and understand them.. for you have seen them many times over. I don't think things ever truly get washed away.. just drug down deeper. There will be days you will look over the tranquil water and think of the happier days when the surf was not so turbulent. So times I think we want the rougher seas just so that we can be reminded of that person.. so it doesn't hurt so much when we realize they have already crashed on the shore and rescinded. Somedays we just ride the waves and hope for the best... others we understand the wave and know when to padle back out and wait for a better one. Great way to describe it.
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Baggage
May 21, 2008 8:14:43 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on May 21, 2008 8:14:43 GMT -5
Does forgiveness play a part in this? Because I can tell you with 100% certainty that I am nowhere near forgiveness! I do feel such anger... mostly for him getting back into the drug lifestyle. I do realize that we are both human and make mistakes, and he did take alot of my bs. But I think about the drug use and other woman and my blood starts to boil! I think forgiveness plays a huge role in it... and it starts, at least for me, with understanding what can lead someone to where they end up. He returned to the drug lifestyle... but why? Did he have pain in his past that made him unable to cope with life "without help"? Did he have character flaws that made him especially weak against "feel-good things" - like drugs, or ego boosts from others? Its hard to be as angry when you understand why... but that doesn't mean you have to think what he did is ok, just that you understand why, and realize that he just IS that way, and will be that way unless HE decides to change and is willing to work HARD at it (which it doesn't sound like he is). For me it goes through a predictable cycle - hurt/pain, followed by understanding/forgiveness, followed by a realization that forgiveness doesn't make what they did "ok", followed by realizing my anger and pain are ok to acknowledge and have even with forgiveness, because I am human too (as long as I act in a way that is consistent with my ethics and honor). Then I can feel all the emotions - the pain/forgiveness/understanding/anger - all at once, and be ok with it all - there is a sense of peace. It doesn't go away, but it loses its power to move you.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Baggage
May 21, 2008 17:57:06 GMT -5
Post by midge on May 21, 2008 17:57:06 GMT -5
i think shey is right on the money: it is about forgiveness. a friend from ojar told me that i would be ok when i could forgive what happened. he assured me that my forgiveness did not mean that i was condoning what happened. he was right- i was able to forgive my ex-husband, and i am ok. i am sometimes sad, but ultimately, i am healing.
what i did not know about forgiveness was that IT WOULD BE FOR MYSELF. forgiving my ex-husband benefited me, and had nothing to do with the feelings of my ex-husband.
being able to forgive a person has as much to do with understanding yourself as it does with understanding the other person.
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AMG
New Member
Posts: 40
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Baggage
May 22, 2008 18:00:18 GMT -5
Post by AMG on May 22, 2008 18:00:18 GMT -5
Kermie... I like your analogy! I could expand on it forever! Guess I am just growing impatient for the day that the waves grow fewer and the water is a bit calmer.
Sheyd I can pretty much figure out why he went back, but it still pisses me off at him!! lol...
Maybe I need to be a little more open minded about the forgiveness factor, but when I think about it, it doesnt feel like my heart is ready. I know that takes time and it is for me and is best for me... its just getting there! Whats funny is usually I am a very forgiving person, but then again no one has hurt me like he has!
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AMG
New Member
Posts: 40
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Baggage
May 22, 2008 18:03:41 GMT -5
Post by AMG on May 22, 2008 18:03:41 GMT -5
Then I can feel all the emotions - the pain/forgiveness/understanding/anger - all at once, and be ok with it all - there is a sense of peace. It doesn't go away, but it loses its power to move you.[/quote]
I want that!!
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