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Post by sheyd on Jun 6, 2008 12:26:47 GMT -5
Ok, here's my latest...
My daughter has a habit of not turning things in, sometimes even when she has completed them. She had a bad first quarter's grades because of that, and was grounded all of the second quarter until she could get them back up. Since then we have been very careful to make sure her homework is done and turned in - regardless of grades.
This quarter she had a few things missing, giving her an F, a D, and a C- at midterm. We gave her the week before the big weekend long waterpark birthday party of her best friend to get it all in. She got all but two small things in, bringing her to all As and 2 Bs, she got to go to the party with the promise that those two things would be turned in. (She still had a B+ in the class). With a couple of hiccups, she managed to keep turning things in, and her final grades are all As, except one B (with everything turned in) and the B+ for the class she is missing the two assignments in. Full credit for those assignments would not bring up her grade. These grades are of a first year in junior high child who has skipped a grade already, and is the advanced/honors courses. Pretty good.
I have been reminding her she needs to get those two little ones done, but today was the last day of class and they were not turned in. Not only that, but she told me yesterday she got them to redo them. In otherwords - she lied to me. She did overall very well for this quarter, and for the school year, making the honors list every semester (even the first one that was bad, because a couple bad grades don't bring down an overall average that much.) However, I am NOT letting her off the hook for both her promise that was broken AND for lying. What would be the best punishment - and how do I hand down a punishment while still recognizing the hard work she DID put in this year?
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Post by freckles on Jun 6, 2008 12:39:58 GMT -5
A Spanking is the best course of action
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Post by sheyd on Jun 6, 2008 12:56:10 GMT -5
Spanking is out...
Her suggestion - one essay on responsibility/lying/honoring commitments, plus one book and book report for each of the two days she got to go on that trip. She hates writing, so this actually shows she is willing to own up to what she did... I might take her up on her offer. Anything better for suggestions?
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Post by jules on Jun 6, 2008 13:38:39 GMT -5
um, yeah, not even going to touch the spanking comment...
shey, it sounds like she is aware that she didn't live up to her responsibilities and remorseful for her actions. i like the idea of an essay, however i don't like the idea of reading a book and writing a book report as a "punishment."
perhaps next couple of times she gets asked to go somewhere or do something with a friend, she won't be allowed to go because she already had her two day fun outing under false pretenses. this could be a reminder that every action has consequences.
also, homework has to be HER responsibility -- not yours. in junior high it is a fair expectatation that she ought to handle her responsibilities without your having to remind her to do so. i'm not saying you shouldn't be involved -- i think it's great that you are, and that it'd be nice if all parents were as interested in their child's education. but she sounds like a bright girl who is mature enough to have the ability to handle her responsibilities without constant reminders. and of course there ought to be consequences if she were to not live up to those responsibilities -- but they'd be natural consequences like an incomplete or a bad grade which would then be her responsibility to work out with the teacher what she could do to improve her grades.
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Post by rocko on Jun 9, 2008 11:28:04 GMT -5
give her assignments over the summer that she has to turn into you on a regular basis and then reward or punish based on if she can turn them in on time. Kinda like summer school for learning to turn things in. Make sure she knows you will do it again next summer if she can't do better with turning things in next year.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jun 9, 2008 11:29:29 GMT -5
That is a good idea.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 9, 2008 11:51:02 GMT -5
Jules, the idea that she SHOULD be mature enough to handle her responsibilities without being reminded is true - but doesn't hold up. Her performance not only the first quarter but every one since has proved it. I check in every now and then, if she hasn't done them, I want the consequences to occur BEFORE the grades, so her long-term chances aren't hurt by her short term lack of responsibility. Once a quarter is done, grades can't be changed. Right now she is on the fast track - most advanced classes, etc. She will be much better off if she can stay there...
What we actually did decide to do, after talking to Harry... was go with the essays (even the book reports - I want to encourage reading, and she does get to choose the books with me having veto power).
She is also going to start mowing the lawn - with her weekend plans contingent upon completion. If she does a bad job with it, she will miss weekend fun. If she does well, she will get to get her ears pierced just before school starts. It is both a punishment and has built in consequences, and if she CAN get control over responsibility, she can get rewarded. We'll see how it goes. (Plus, it gets her off her butt and exercising this summer!)
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Post by jules on Jun 9, 2008 12:30:06 GMT -5
shoot, send her on over to do mine too, and i'll help her with the book reports.
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JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Jun 9, 2008 13:16:52 GMT -5
how old is she?
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Post by sheyd on Jun 9, 2008 14:24:19 GMT -5
She will be 12 this September 12th (golden birthday!)
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JC
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Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Jun 9, 2008 14:46:05 GMT -5
ugh... then i have to be a bitch shey. i will preface with an i love you. some of the fault is at your feet babe. imo, 12 is just too young to let them lose with their homework.. as a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure she is getting all the homework and projects needed done, done. to me, school is one of the most important things for a child, how you do in school has a huge effect on the rest of your life.
perhaps you could set up a system where you go over each week any projects that need to be done etc. keep an eye on the due date, and make sure that she gets her work turned in, and on time.
and if i read this wrong, then disregard what i just posted.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 9, 2008 15:24:56 GMT -5
Nope, you read it right, but I am trying to strike a balance between you and Jules... She NEEDS to learn to do this stuff WITHOUT me babysitting her. She will not have me to watch her back when she starts college (at 17, she likes to point out... lol) However, she has proven she can't do it on her own. She isn't in elementary school anymore (but yes, she is young still, she skipped a grade). She shouldn't have mommy watching over her shoulder. BUT - I also agree, school IS important for her future success, and I want her to be learning/accomplishing/getting the grades she needs to succeed. So... I watch, but not too closely. Let her make her mistakes, but not let them affect her grades. She has to learn to keep her own schedule of requirements, and learn to study without being pushed (too hard). I don't want to be her teacher, I want to be her parent. Part of that job is to teach responsibility - the actual book-larnin' I will leave to the experts.
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JC
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Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Jun 9, 2008 16:03:01 GMT -5
fuck that. there is no way in hell i would let my kid 'learn' from his/her own mistakes when it comes to school. not on something like that... school is just too damn important.... teach her responsibilities in other areas of her life and it will spill over to that.
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Post by rocko on Jun 9, 2008 16:04:25 GMT -5
I don't think you are doing bad at all. Hav eyou heard of those mothers that still manage their children like secretaries whenthey are in college. My exh was parented so that he didn't have to do anything without being told. That creates an adult that can't see the garbage is full and take out the trash.
You have spotted the problem and are working on improving her behavior rather than just says, "you can't do this, I will just do it myself".
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Post by sheyd on Jun 9, 2008 16:26:25 GMT -5
But isn't it in the important things they are supposed to learn that responsibility? I don't want her to screw herself permanently... but by high school I want my only version of checking to be by seeing her report card (which she will have worked on on her own). I WON'T be one of those micro-managing parents when my kids are in college (and I work at a University, I see many of them) - that is sink or swim time - and I want her prepared by then. In the meantime, though - I am not letting her lack of responsibility damage her chances. I can't afford to help much when my kids get to college, she needs to be ready to get scholarships. Her brains (and she has good ones) will only get her so far, she needs the will to do it on her own, she needs the grades, and she needs the extracurricular activities. (We are still working on that last one - hoping she will do the Math Competitions and Knowledge Bowl next year, she is high enough in Math and Sciences to get good scholarships...)
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