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Post by glassonion on Jul 5, 2008 12:57:32 GMT -5
I could use some serious help with my son right now. Here is the problem that I am faced with: I have been dating J for a year now. He is not only wonderful to me, but has been more than wonderful to my two kids (as I have been the same toward his son). At first, things were good, not a single problem with any of the kids until now......suddenly my 10 year old son "HATES" J and although he does not show disrespect toward J in front of him, once my son and I are alone - BAM! I get an earful. I have explained to my son that J is in no way trying to replace your father, that didn't seem to phase my son. I just do not know what to do anymore. I understand that as a young boy, my son sees J as a threat, the man who is taking away his mom etc but how do I get thru to my son that no body will EVER take me away from him?
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Post by rocko on Jul 5, 2008 18:17:40 GMT -5
I am in no way an expert. This is just what I did and or would do.
My stepson was really jealous of my boys and I. I had his Dad take him to do things without me and the boys. Extra things to make him feel extra special.
I had a talk with my stepson. I told him that I love him very much and that if he needs to talk that he can talk to me. I also explained to him that I love his dad very much and I am not trying to take his dad from him and that there is plenty of "dad" to go around.
last but not least....I explained how love works....love is not like a limited quantity item. You do not have to divy up the portions of your love to each person you love. As you get older you have more and more and more love to give. Just because your Daddy love "the boys" and I bunches does not change how much he loves you.
I think that is it. I hope you all are able to work it out.
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Post by goods on Jul 7, 2008 13:48:10 GMT -5
Great Advice Rocko.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 7, 2008 13:52:04 GMT -5
Did something happen? Usually when a kid changes their opinion that drastically that quickly, there is some triggering event. Can you talk to him about why he changed his mind? It may be if you have a big quiet talk with him, he might be able to explain when and why he first started seeing things differently and you can find a way to help him with that. Did your ex perhaps put a bug in his ear? Did he suddenly realize it is serious and it went from "glad mom is having fun" to - "crap, this guy could end up a step-dad"? Whatever the cause of the change of heart, if he can explain it, you two can work through it together, I am sure.
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Post by glassonion on Jul 8, 2008 11:00:35 GMT -5
I will bet a million dollars that my ex has put a bug into my son's head and the reason is because (BF is older than I) my son referred to my BF as an "Old Geezer", which is a term that I have heard my ex use to describe my BF. Worst part is that my daughter is now acting out - again, thanks to the kind words from my ex. I am going to sit with each kid over the weekend and talk to them to try and get them past this part.
I also think that Shey is correct in thinking that perhaps my son at first saw this relationship as "my Mom is having fun" and now he's crapping in pants because this is no longer just a casual dating scenario and he probably feels threatened by J.
On the other hand, J and I have discussed this and Thank-God he is being opened minded and really trying to understand all that is going on with my kids. He has been completely supportive and best of all; this new "bump in the road" has not freaked him out at all, if anything, it is making our bond stronger.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 8, 2008 11:24:59 GMT -5
Is it possible for you to have a quiet talk with the ex as well? If he is feeling threatened by the bf, he may be reacting to that. He might have been fine as long as you and the "old geezer" were just playing, but he might be afraid this guy will take away his kids. A lot of us have that fear. Perhaps just telling him that in no way would any man in your life replace the bond he has with his kids and that you would never TRY to take it away - it might be enough to stop him from his subtle sabotage.
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Post by rocko on Jul 8, 2008 13:31:00 GMT -5
You know you just taking the time to see their the issue will go a long was toward fixing the problem. Many people just assume the kids is being bad to be bad and they will "work it out in time".
great parenting!!
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Post by glassonion on Jul 8, 2008 15:20:19 GMT -5
Shey, there is no talking to my ex about this or anything for that matter. At his request, we do not speak at all. In the past, all conversations with him start out about our kids but quickly crumble when his anger gets the best of him.
Rocko, I know that this problem will not fix itself and go away. I know my kids are acting out for a reason and I need to take the time, regardless of how much time it requires, to make them see that J is not taking me away from them nor is he going to take the place of their father.
It may take a while to make this point to them but this is something that I strongly feel must be done. Wish me luck - LOL!
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Post by rocko on Jul 8, 2008 22:02:46 GMT -5
Oh I was not critisizing at all. I was seriously complimenting you on noticing that there is a problem and looking for a way to remedy it. Many parents don't do that.
Best of Luck to you!!
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Post by freckles on Jul 8, 2008 23:13:02 GMT -5
I have put several replys here and deleted them
I went through it with my ExStepson
It can get much much worse
For example
You have a Fight with your Boyfriend
Men and Women have conflict if they are alive from time to time
Your Son will gang up with you on your Boyfriend/Husband
Your Boyfriend will feel Overwhelmed and it can destroy your relationship
It can get a lot worse as your Son gets older
You have to put your foot down now
And not tolerate any bad talk from him
Or your Relationship will Fail Bigtime
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Post by glassonion on Jul 9, 2008 22:14:34 GMT -5
Tonight I was able to get to the bottom of what the deal is with my son and the sudden negative feelings toward J.....here is what happened:
My son and his father (my exh) were on the phone, got into an argument over yet another empty promise my ex was trying to sell my son. Next thing I hear was my son yelling at his dad (which I do not condone regardless of how i feel about my ex) that he is NEVER around and he hates spending time with J instead of spending time with his own dad.
After the argument, my ex called me to discuss what had happened, mind you we rarely speak and here is why: next thing I know, he is telling me that this is all MY FAULT. My fault he does not spend enough time with his children - which I can not seem to understand considering that I have told him time and time again to spend as much time as he'd like with them, especially since he is unemployed and it is summer time..........I tried to explain to my ex that he should really make the effort to see the kids more before they completely shut him out of their lives.
Anyway, I feel better that I "sorta" understand where all of my son's recent resentment has steamed from, yet, I feel completely helpless because this is something that I can not control and something that needs to be patched up between him and his dad.
I just do not know what else to do. Is there anything I can do?
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jul 9, 2008 22:19:43 GMT -5
Oh hun, that was a hard one for me with my kids too. I always tried not to say anything bad about thier dad and tried to just hold them and reassure them that their dad loved them.
The key is to not "make a big deal" or "force" anything. Let them know it is okay to feel that way, but not to be disrespectful about it. Teaching our kids to deal with hurt and disappointment in a healthy manner is one of the most important things we can do.
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Post by rocko on Jul 10, 2008 7:56:03 GMT -5
The biological father of my two boys is no longer in the picture. I am sure what I did was not the best way to do it, but I lied for my exh. I told the children that he didn't have enough money to come visit. Eventually after 2 or so years I explained to Alec that Daddy was not doing very well and is not making good choices. ( I didn't share this part, but he is on drugs and has PTSD from the Iraqi war).
My husband has adopted them and the exh's right to the children have been terminated.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 10, 2008 8:16:58 GMT -5
He's about the same age as my middle child... the way I explained it to her (especially since she has two best friends) is that it is ok to enjoy spending time with whatever person they are with. Being happy with J doesn't mean he is disloyal to his dad, because he still can be happy with his dad, whenever he gets the chance to be with him. You can have two or more friends, and you can't spend all your time with any of them - you can have 3 or more adults, and you can't spend all your time with any of them either. Just enjoy where you are at. Then explain that J isn't trying to take him away from his dad (again, since I know you did that) and that it is ok to like both.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 10, 2008 9:37:44 GMT -5
We've been through this too. Even to the point where my daughter thought she needed to decide who she loved more, mommy or daddy. I explained the differences in romantic love vs. love for your child, vs love for your parents, friends, etc. And that basically there is enough love to go around!! I know it's not a concept that they can easily subscribe to, it takes time. My ex has a gf, whom he lives with, who has a child. She knows that is not her mom, and that she plays a different role. My bf does not live with us, she does not see him as much (as she sees the gf when she is with her dad) and she knows this is not her dad.
Oddly enough, my daughter felt more of a struggle with me (when i first started dating my J) that with her dad and his gf. This bothered me very much, b/c he was the one who left the marriage, to be with her, and I felt like I was doing something wrong in my daughter's eyes. I started dating my bf a year and a half after my ex and I separated.
Your ex is just being a dick and looking for someone else to blame, since he is not doing all he can to be with your kids. And after that comment (tired of spending more time with J than dad), I guess he does see J as a replacement for his dad. That is NOT your fault, or J's fault. J should not have to limit his time spent with you and the kids b/c your ex can't handle it.
I guess the only thing you anc do is reassure him that there is plaenty of love to go around.
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