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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 21, 2008 10:27:38 GMT -5
So, after 7 long weeks, I have my son home again!! I am so excited to see him. He lost two teeth and looks like he's grown 6 inches while he was gone! I missed him terribly and am so happy to see him.
But, not 5 minutes after he got off the plane, he proceeded to tell me that while he was there, his daddy got married and his new wife had a baby! On one hand, it's like, "Who cares?" But it gets me and it bothers me and for reasons beyond my control, I find it eating at me. And, there are several reasons I can draw from it as to why...
1st, he still isn't paying child support. It was ordered in our divorce. But, after he got the papers, he proceeded to call me and scream at me that he couldn't afford what was ordered because he has "responsibilites" there to deal with. Well, I in my head drew my own conclusions and proceeded to tell him I didn't give a crap because his son came before all of them. He said he knew but there was nothing he could change. A-hole. Anyway, it's just crappy that it hit me like a ton of bricks that this really is why he doesn't want to help me take care of his son. It makes me sad for him and angry for him and I both!
Then, his new wife I believe is like 20 or 21. He's 33. And, no I am not one of those people who typically makes an age argument but this girl is going to be helping take care of my son when he's there! Two years ago, when T was telling me his daddy had a girlfriend, his dad freaked out and said T couldn't say that anymore because the girl wasn't even 18 yet...What the F*CK?!?!
And, then there comes the more selfish side...I was D's 4th wife (I know, I should have seen then). I wasn't the perfect wife but I busted my butt and made sure my family came 1st. It was my top priority. And, I really did try to be everything he wanted. I stayed faithful when things got hard. I stood by him after he cheated and tried to make things better because that is what mattered to me. He didn't care. He took everything I gave him and ran with it all. He walked out and lied to me and the kids. He took advantage of everything we had for his personal gain. Why does he get to be happy now? I bust my ass to take care of the two kids. I can barely hold a relationship not to mention conventional dating because don't have time. I have my job and my kids and I devote everything I have to trying to get by. I deserve to have that kind of life too, don't I? Instead, he gets to live happy and irresponsible and just go about making a new life for him while I am still trying to recover all that I lost and pick up the pieces! It makes me just annoyed. It isn't fair. And, I feel like I shouldn't cry but the frustration has bubbled over a couple times and I have let the tears fall. Everyone tells me I am better off without him and Lord knows, I know. That's not what it's even about! I just can't help be so angry right now! And, to have it all come from the mouth of my 6 year old all at once...Just...UGH.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 21, 2008 10:37:30 GMT -5
I am totally with you there. The nice thing is that it passes quickly. My ex left because he wanted the swinger life, I want the family life. He remarried (the woman he wanted to have sex with while we were together - my best friend at the time) and they are having their second child this December. Why did he get the life I wanted, the marriage, the additional kids (when I had to beg for our third and he wanted to get "fixed" after that). It doesn't seem fair!
But you know what? I HAVE the life I wanted, and he wasn't able to be a part of that. He now has the life SHE wants, but I am not so sure that is what makes HIM happy, you know? Yes, it still stings to hear they are having a baby again, when I won't be having any more, but the pain of it passes pretty quickly. I know you don't want HIM anymore, but the lifestyle he always SEEMS to get so easily. Except in your heart you know it isn't REAL for him. He will cheat again, move on, and that poor little girl will get screwed. Even if he stays, she isn't getting any prize!!! You know that, I know that about mine too - but yeah, the unreasoning sting hits for awhile.
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Post by kittenhart on Jul 21, 2008 11:04:16 GMT -5
I wasn't the perfect wife but I busted my butt and made sure my family came 1st. It was my top priority. And, I really did try to be everything he wanted. I stayed faithful when things got hard. I stood by him after he cheated and tried to make things better because that is what mattered to me. He didn't care. He took everything I gave him and ran with it all. He walked out and lied to me and the kids. He took advantage of everything we had for his personal gain. Why does he get to be happy now? I bust my ass to take care of the two kids. I can barely hold a relationship not to mention conventional dating because don't have time. I have my job and my kids and I devote everything I have to trying to get by. I deserve to have that kind of life too, don't I? You deserve a chance to start again and you will get it.....eventually....it just sucks to see him blithely moving on, ignoring his *responsibilities* to your son. I don't have any advice, Hoodie....I just wanted to comment that I think your anger is completely justified. Your ex sounds like a total user
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 21, 2008 12:06:08 GMT -5
Why does he get to be happy now? It seems that most of your frustration is coming from this and the fact that you are taking care of his responsibility. Yes, he is a PIA for not paying child support. Take him to court. Find someone to help you. Deadbeat dads go to jail once they are caught. You have a right to pursue child support regardless of what he says about his ability to pay. The court ordered it. Get it! But you have to let go of wanting to see him miserable. You have to let go of wanting to see him suffer and have a wasted life. Take comfort in the fact that this is his 5th wife. It will fall apart when she grows up - guarenteed. His misery will come. If he goes to jail, his misery will come a lot sooner!
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 21, 2008 12:24:06 GMT -5
But you have to let go of wanting to see him miserable. You have to let go of wanting to see him suffer and have a wasted life. Really, I don't want to see him miserable. I somehow just hoped my life would work out before his I guess. I never knew I thought that way but I kind of see it now. And, I really actually wanted him happy there because I wanted it for my son. When he went I didn't want him to go from here to a bachelor dad. I figure the more people to love my son, the better and I am really trying to stick to that. It's been my philosophy with both of my children's dad's and I really believe it. I don't know where the jelousy of his life coming together is coming from. Take him to court. Find someone to help you. Deadbeat dads go to jail once they are caught. You have a right to pursue child support regardless of what he says about his ability to pay. The court ordered it. Get it! Well, the state has reguations on how far behind they have to get before certain things are done. And, they come in steps. I have been doing this with my daughter's dad for more than 7 years now, I know the drill. I am actually working on getting the enforcement office within Social Services to pick up the case because they will handle things like driver's liscense suspension and jail for me.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 21, 2008 12:25:43 GMT -5
I wasn't the perfect wife but I busted my butt and made sure my family came 1st. It was my top priority. And, I really did try to be everything he wanted. I stayed faithful when things got hard. I stood by him after he cheated and tried to make things better because that is what mattered to me. He didn't care. He took everything I gave him and ran with it all. He walked out and lied to me and the kids. He took advantage of everything we had for his personal gain. Why does he get to be happy now? I bust my ass to take care of the two kids. I can barely hold a relationship not to mention conventional dating because don't have time. I have my job and my kids and I devote everything I have to trying to get by. I deserve to have that kind of life too, don't I? You deserve a chance to start again and you will get it.....eventually....it just sucks to see him blithely moving on, ignoring his *responsibilities* to your son. I don't have any advice, Hoodie....I just wanted to comment that I think your anger is completely justified. Your ex sounds like a total user Thanks Kitten...Needed to hear that too actually. I needed to come here and vent and be told it's okay to feel like I feel. I am tired of my mom and a couple select others not understanding my anger and/or telling me it's not okay to feel that way...
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Post by lqdKaos on Jul 21, 2008 13:01:29 GMT -5
There are a ton of deadbeat dads out there. But he was ordered to pay....Make him pay. They can garnish his wages, throw him in jail, etc... Heck, take him back to court and have him served with the court order at work. That would be nice.
As for his little teeny bopper girl friend / wife, she will see what he is soon enough. You were his 4th wife. She is likely just the next X misses so-and-so.
I dont claim to know the law on this, I do not have kids, but it burns my butt to hear about people like this. Start something so you can get the support you deserve before he divorces the next woman and has to pay her too.
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Post by shattered on Jul 21, 2008 13:41:51 GMT -5
Everyone tells me I am better off without him and Lord knows, I know. That's not what it's even about! Exactly. I know people mean well, but I sometimes just want to strangle even my family and closest friends when they say "you're better off without him" and "you're lucky to be rid of him." That is NOT what this is about. It's about 100 percent understandable pain and justified anger and human emotions. In my humble opinon, there'd be something weird about you if you *didn't* feel that way under these circumstances. No, of course we shouldn't spend our entire lives focused on wishing ill on our exes, but, I mean, duh, that goes without saying, and it's so clearly not what you are doing. For what it's worth, I hear you.
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Post by jules on Jul 21, 2008 14:32:35 GMT -5
There are a ton of deadbeat dads out there. But he was ordered to pay....Make him pay. They can garnish his wages, throw him in jail, etc... Heck, take him back to court and have him served with the court order at work. That would be nice. As for his little teeny bopper girl friend / wife, she will see what he is soon enough. You were his 4th wife. She is likely just the next X misses so-and-so. I dont claim to know the law on this, I do not have kids, but it burns my butt to hear about people like this. Start something so you can get the support you deserve before he divorces the next woman and has to pay her too. Very sensible advice. Hoodie, please do take action. He cannot ignore the divorce decree.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 21, 2008 14:48:29 GMT -5
But you have to let go of wanting to see him miserable. You have to let go of wanting to see him suffer and have a wasted life. Really, I don't want to see him miserable. I somehow just hoped my life would work out before his I guess. ....... I don't know where the jelousy of his life coming together is coming from. His life isn't coming together. He just found someone too naive and young to see him for what he is. Take him to court. Find someone to help you. Deadbeat dads go to jail once they are caught. You have a right to pursue child support regardless of what he says about his ability to pay. The court ordered it. Get it! Well, the state has reguations on how far behind they have to get before certain things are done. And, they come in steps. I have been doing this with my daughter's dad for more than 7 years now, I know the drill. I am actually working on getting the enforcement office within Social Services to pick up the case because they will handle things like driver's liscense suspension and jail for me. Good! You have it under control. Waiting is hard, but it is sweet when the outcome turns to your favor. Hang in there!
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 21, 2008 15:24:30 GMT -5
I know the laws here...I push them all the time with my daughter's dad. I know the loopholes he can slip through. No doubt I will make sure I do what I need. I am a fighter, no worries everyone but that isn't all this is about.
It is the fundamental part of him neglecting all of those things (child support, bills that are now ruining my credit {yes, I know laws about all this too and am still fighting here too}, etc) so he can go play house again. It isn't fair and though it may seems silly and childish, it just makes me loose my cool.
And, yes, it's the rest...I am over him so please don't think this is about missing him or wanting him or our old life. It's about the sheer fact that he's getting what I want and by him neglecting the previous things, it throws me further away from what I want. At the moment, logical or not, I feel like his neglect is my punishment so he can live the good life. Heaven knows, if he worked as hard as I did he wouldn't have come by what he did so easy. So, he places the burden on me and the ripple effect just follows. Okay, okay, maybe I am making no sense at this point but it is what is in my head this fine, frustrating afternoon.
And (Seyfert) hun, you said what I have been saying. When my friend asked why his new wife was so young, that was my exact answer! Anyone his own age would have seen through him.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 21, 2008 16:27:45 GMT -5
It is the fundamental part of him neglecting all of those things (child support, bills that are now ruining my credit {yes, I know laws about all this too and am still fighting here too}, etc) so he can go play house again. It isn't fair and though it may seems silly and childish, it just makes me loose my cool. And, yes, it's the rest...I am over him so please don't think this is about missing him or wanting him or our old life. It's about the sheer fact that he's getting what I want and by him neglecting the previous things, it throws me further away from what I want. At the moment, logical or not, I feel like his neglect is my punishment so he can live the good life. Heaven knows, if he worked as hard as I did he wouldn't have come by what he did so easy. So, he places the burden on me and the ripple effect just follows. Okay, okay, maybe I am making no sense at this point but it is what is in my head this fine, frustrating afternoon. quote] Yeah, you have every right to be frustrated. He is neglecting his responsibility while you are busting your tail doing double time taking on your own responsibility and his responsibility. It isn't fair and that's why the court will eventually catch up with him. Its a waiting game and time is on your side if nothing else is. As for the next paragraph, you will find what you want. You are strong in making the right decisions (and getting stronger). That is why it is taking so much more time. He jumped into a relationship he could manipulate. You are finding a relationship without that. Again, wait and keep your current path. You aren't throwing yourself into the next possible relationship. You are taking your time, making sure it is right. In the long run this will pay off. You are doing the right things. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and strength is oozing out of you. Once again, hang in there........you are doing the right thing.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 24, 2008 12:22:59 GMT -5
I'm doing better, day by day, as the shock of it all has worn off. It was kind of a kick in the gut to get the news from the mouth of my 6-year old within minutes of him stepping off the plane no matter if I had a gut feeling or not. Most of the time, I am doing awsome. I am excited that my little guy has the chance to be the big brother now. I really hope that his dad can pull it together so when T goes to Tennessee, he has a loving home to go to instead of crashing out between his dad's bachelor pad and his grandparents. Trust me, he doesn't like the shuffle of being there. His comment yesterday is that he is glad now that his dad is getting married that his new wife will be moving in so that maybe his dad will keep food in the house. Poor thing, a little kiddo shouldn't have to think like that. Just the same, while it still is frustrating (at some times more than others) I'm doing better now. Thanks for the support and letting me vent! I am sure I'll be doing it again on the days that aren't so easy. *wink*
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Post by crushy on Jul 24, 2008 13:11:10 GMT -5
I admit, I just skimmed most of the reply posts before posting because this post is so close to my heart. I agonized at first about my ex 'playing house' with his new wife (once friends w/ her and her husband from church). I would get so irritated when people would say, 'What goes around, comes around or they will have their problems.' I won't bore you w/ the details of my story, but I can absolutely promise you, his life is not the bed of roses it appears to be. The reason you feel frustration w/ all the responsibilities you have is because you acknowledge them and take care of them. I'd much rather be the wife left w/ the kids and responsibilities than an ass that left my spouse and kids for some trailer-trash. It's a state holiday in my state today and my sons and I are going to a BBQ and fireworks at my ex-in-laws. My ex and his wife had a baby in March and his mom hasn't even seen the kid in a few months. I don't care how much one is in denial, there has to be times you know you're an ass and everyone knows it. I've tried to put myself in her shoes and I'm telling ya, I'd be much more mortified than I was being left for someone else. It's been almost 5 yrs for me, but it does happen....funny thing is...by the time they get theirs, it doesn't matter nearly as much. If not for the lame custody battle my ex filed almost 3 yrs after our divorce for the sake of $, I wouldn't give him a 2nd thought other than legal stuff - anything in my heart died a long time ago. Ojar brought my fiance and I together. My life is full and happy and I have the support of a good man rather than one that hides behind religion and is a passive-aggressive child. I actually pity her... I'm sorry you had to hear it from your 6 yr old, but just remember you are being the responsible parent. It may not feel as glamorous as being the 'week-end dad', but when your head hits the pillow at night, I bet you sleep better. Crushy
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Post by crushy on Jul 24, 2008 13:41:43 GMT -5
I admit, I just skimmed most of the reply posts before posting because this post is so close to my heart. I agonized at first about my ex 'playing house' with his new wife (once friends w/ her and her husband from church). I would get so irritated when people would say, 'What goes around, comes around or they will have their problems.' I won't bore you w/ the details of my story, but I can absolutely promise you, his life is not the bed of roses it appears to be. The reason you feel frustration w/ all the responsibilities you have is because you acknowledge them and take care of them. I'd much rather be the wife left w/ the kids and responsibilities than an ass that left my spouse and kids for some trailer-trash. It's a state holiday in my state today and my sons and I are going to a BBQ and fireworks at my ex-in-laws. My ex and his wife had a baby in March and his mom hasn't even seen the kid in a few months. I don't care how much one is in denial, there has to be times you know you're an ass and everyone knows it. I've tried to put myself in her shoes and I'm telling ya, I'd be much more mortified than I was being left for someone else. It's been almost 5 yrs for me, but it does happen....funny thing is...by the time they get theirs, it doesn't matter nearly as much. If not for the lame custody battle my ex filed almost 3 yrs after our divorce for the sake of $, I wouldn't give him a 2nd thought other than legal stuff - anything in my heart died a long time ago. Ojar brought my fiance and I together. My life is full and happy and I have the support of a good man rather than one that hides behind religion and is a passive-aggressive child. I actually pity her... I'm sorry you had to hear it from your 6 yr old, but just remember you are being the responsible parent. It may not feel as glamorous as being the 'week-end dad', but when your head hits the pillow at night, I bet you sleep better. Crushy Oh, I have to add this...my mom delivered my sons to my ex a week or so ago for visitation since I was at work and she asked my oldest if the baby was smiling, cooing, etc. My 16 yr old's response was, 'I don't know, I don't participate in the fruits of their sins.' Cracks me up! He has a great sense of humor and part of his humor is cracking things without even smiling...I've discussed the fact niether one of them has even held the kid since he was born in March w/ the Counselor I'm taking them to - who assures us this is not a major concern. I wasn't there, so I don't quite know how to take it yet, but even in jest, that is an odd comment. Frankly, it irritates the hell out of me I fell for their supposed support w/ the boys before they first took me to court for joint (not sole) custody. I wanted to believe they were sincere in spite of warnings from friends and family that they were building a case to gain joint custody so I would have to pay him child support since I make more. They were right. Like you, Hoodie, it makes me more angry they have done this to my sons than what they've done to me.
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