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Post by Kim Possible on Mar 15, 2009 15:44:06 GMT -5
Long story short (let's see if I can do that ). I had a little meltdown the other day about my ex (after another typical argument about the way I don't know how to take care of our child). My man was there (hearing me on the phone), and I probably let out the most emotion in front of him ever. I have tried not to do it in front of him, b/c I know he never knows what to say. So true to form, he was silent for most of it, then I guess he felt like he needed to say something. He would've been better off staying silent. "So, you met this guy, and it didn't work ou...." That's where I stopped him. He was not 'this guy'. He was the man I loved for 10 yrs, married, promised to be true to forever, and had a child with him. I loved him until the day he called it quits. I said all that to him (or something to that effect). What I wanted to say to him (but thought of it the next day) was that I vivodly recall the story of the girl who broke his heart, that took him 5 yrs to get over. Except he did not marry her, they were not together for 10 yrs, they don't have a child, nor does he have a daily reminder of her in his life. Nor does she continue to treat him like he is a worthless piece of shit. But I didn't. Better that way, I know. But I need him to understand that this wasn't just some guy. Since then, we've both been very busy (his mom is in the hospital) and really have not seen much of each other, at least no one-on-one time. I am STILL afraid that someone (him) will turn against me someday, and just decide he doesn't love me anymore. Honestly, I don't want any promises, b/c I won't believe them anyway. But a little reassurance of something would be nice.
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Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on Mar 15, 2009 22:47:08 GMT -5
Maybe he was just trying to be there for you and to help you through a rough patch.. instead of turning your anger that you still had from the conversation on your ex to your guy.. maybe you two should have sat down and talked about how the conversation made you feel and even listened to some of his advise.. might have taken him five years to get over it.. but I'm thinkin in that time he learned a thing or two and maybe together you could have made things better instead of worse. To be honest if you would have turned and snapped at me we those words.. I would begin to seriously doubt that you were ready for someone new in your life.. and that maybe your healing isn't done yet.
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Post by redskyatnight on Mar 16, 2009 9:19:40 GMT -5
The time apart is painful, but good. It gives you each a chance to calm down and evaluate the situation.
Kermie is right and I think an apology is due. You cut him off before he could finish what he had to say. You assumed he thought of your ex as "some guy", but maybe he was going to expand on that.
This will be a good opportunity to talk about how you feel about your ex and the fear you have that someone will just walk out of your life again. Use this as a growing opportunity.
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Post by JimB on Mar 16, 2009 9:34:36 GMT -5
Yep, apology time. But remember what you're apologizing for. You're not apologizing for your feelings, for your fear, or for how your past affects you. Those belong to you and are unlikely to change dramatically anytime soon. The two of you are just going to have to find ways to deal with all that.
You got a little carried away in the heat of the moment, and like Red says, you cut off communication when you probably should have opened it up. That's where he's due an apology.
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Post by freckles on Mar 16, 2009 10:06:11 GMT -5
I am STILL afraid that someone (him) will turn against me someday, and just decide he doesn't love me anymore. Honestly, I don't want any promises, b/c I won't believe them anyway. But a little reassurance of something would be nice. If your Heart is Giving Love and Joy and Happy to him That is what Men want Thats all there is to it
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blu
Full Member
Posts: 145
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Post by blu on Mar 19, 2009 10:07:28 GMT -5
KP,
One bad day, one bad conversation does not undo years (yes its been years now) of all the good stuff. J loves you and if anything his "taking 5 years" to get over someone once shows you that he does not just jump from relationships to relationship and he does take this stuff seriously.
I do agree a apology may be nice, but as JimB indicated, this is how relationships work and the apology is for the approach not the intent. We are not always on our best behavior and unfortunately it is those closest to us that sometimes get the brunt of the bad behavior - we feel save that we can do that and they will forgive us.
Your concerns are valid, you felt minimized, so try again to discuss it when less emotional and be sure to thank him for the support he does provide.
You know that at anytime I could have posted the same....hang in there and try to ignore the ex ass. We allow people to treat us the way they do and we decide how we feel about what they say. He is a liar and a cheat - why does his opinion matter to you?
Blu
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Post by Kim Possible on Mar 23, 2009 16:12:17 GMT -5
Luv u Blu ... and the rest of you too.... and thanks to even Freckles this time . Your reply was short and to the point. And spot on I apologized. Not for what I said, but how I snapped at him. Interestingly enough, he really didn't remember what I said (nor what it was in response to). But this time we did talk about how it (and my past) has affected me. And I did go there (about his ex). I didn't name names, but I asked him to think about the hardest breakup he has ever been through, and went through the differences (less time, no kids, no contact whatsoever), and I think he got it. He wasn't happy that I made him think about her though. But maybe that made him think about how I still feel. He claims now it took him 8 years to get over her (he does have an uncanny knack for increasing his numbers in stories, but I am well aware of this), so I told him "then I have 4 more years to go" I know it sounds a bit bitchy. it was not an argument though, it went pretty well, I think. We also talked about how I felt we weren't spending as much quality time together. He was surprised to hear me say that, and got a bit defensive (esp about mom being sick), but I told him I felt that way before that. I told him that it was partially my doing too (work has been hectic for me, we've both been run-down and tired), but that we need to make the time. That is what I am most afraid of (again, the past haunting me). My ex and I never made the time, and it didn't last. I know, it wouldn't have lasted anyway, but I want him to know that I want this to last. On Saturday night, we went out for dinner (my belated Birthday dinner) had drinks, came home and spent quality time together .
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