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Post by kittenhart on Jan 29, 2008 1:24:26 GMT -5
Crushy....you are my hero (for what it's worth) But unfortunately, no I don't think it will ever end with this buffoon....because of your sons you will have to see him (and OW with son that has your son's name) for the rest of time. But it will get easier to deal with... either that or you will just reach a point where you've seen so many assinine stunts, that another and another and another, just will not faze you. Because he really has nothing on you ( or over you), girl....but try not to get him fired...
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Post by goods on Jan 29, 2008 7:57:18 GMT -5
Hey Crush stay strong... keep making those good choices.
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Post by crushy on Jan 30, 2008 1:16:49 GMT -5
I'm sorry to the two of you that were kind enough to comment on my post. I got nervous about posting about his instability and realized I can't delete (or can't figure out how to) a thread I started.
Just wanted you to know how much your words meant to me.
We had a bit of a confrontation instigated by him at my son's school. He knew he was not to be there while we were there, but he showed up and of course, my concern was with my son's feelings and so I let him in. Then the bastard has his attorney send my attorney a letter claiming I hit him in the chin and shoulder when I closed my door after he tugged on my jacket all the way out of the school...telling me my attorney doesn't know what he's talking about, etc.
Looking back, I'm sure he was wired or recording hoping I would go off on him, but all I did was tell him to tell his attorney to contact my attorney. Then the brilliant guy he is, sends me an e-mail today that says the Counselor did nothing (but in his letter from his attorney claimed the Counselor opened the door and let him in). He's so stupid!! I just marvel at the fact he's now a forensics investigator and can't see the contradiction of everything he says and does.
I'm taking my boys back to counseling. I'm looking for someone that specializes in adolescence. I work for Juvenile Justice Svcs, so I have a good network of experienced people w/ good advice.
I'm engaged to someone (another Ojarian) in Texas and yet I'm staying here so my sons have their dad. I have no doubt he loves them, but what kind of example is he? Does he appreciate the fact I've put my life on hold so he can have a relationship with our sons after he left me after a near fatal accident for a family friend?
She's pregnant for the first time (she has an adopted daughter that is about 10) and this is her first baby. I just pray to God he lets up a bit when that kid is born. Of course, my ex went to an amusement park the day we brought our first son home from the hospital and I'd broken my tail bone during delivery!!
Puke!!
Thanks for letting me vent. I chose to spill my guts here rather than reply to his lengthy, scathing e-mail.
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Post by ionysis on Jan 30, 2008 1:21:43 GMT -5
So sorry you're having a rough time of it Crushy. Your ex-husband sounds like the proverbial nightmare. Glad to hear you're staying strong for the boys. Will be thinking of you.
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Post by RO on Jan 30, 2008 8:21:39 GMT -5
Hang in there.
It seems like the more positive you do the more he tries to mess up everything.
You have shown how strong you are...
Don't be discouraged...
Praying for good things for you.
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Post by crushy on Jan 30, 2008 20:55:16 GMT -5
Thanks, ionysis and remaining optimistic (love the user name). Your words of support mean more than I can express. I got another scathing e-mail from him today. He's getting more and more desperate and it's showing. I've said it before, but yesterday, it really sunk in to a new level that he was never the man I thought he was. He's always been a liar. He's passive/aggressive and I wanted to make him happy. When I got in my first accident, I couldn't do everything for him and that's when his affair started. Now his wife does everything for him like I did. It's scary to think I was in a marriage like that for so long. If he let's her (me) do everything, he has no accountability. I can really see why they are together and can honestly say, him leaving was the BEST thing he ever could have done. She is so much like I was before my accident, I had a neighbor that met her for the first time tell people at her work that it was actually eerie to meet her because he was obviously trying to replace who I was before. My SIL and her brother have known my ex for over 20 yrs. They ran into my ex and his wife at Wendy's. They heard her laugh and had to take a double take to make sure it wasn't me. Ya know what? They didn't even notice him or know who he was until he said hi to them. She is more like me than he is like he was when he was with me?! The difference between us is she's a chocolate covered black widow spider and can't stay sweet for very long before the true her comes out. I am literally getting more scared with how bizarre his behavior has become since she is pregnant, they are both in bankruptcy, they are in foreclosure and now I'm winning in court. Just when I feel sorry for him, he does something like send me an e-mail like he did today. I know he loves our sons...I have no doubt of that. He makes sure they wear jackets, take their medicine, etc, but I am seriously concerned about him being the male role model in their lives. I've decided I'm going to buy a device on line to sweep my own home, etc for bugs, and just get rid of them because I just can't have him charged with anything. What a way to live? It would just suck to live like a stalker and spend so much time on nonsense. I don't break the law, I'm a good mom, I have nothing to hide, but it does bother me to know he's watching me, following me, etc. Wouldn't you think she'd have a problem with the time he invests in us? He wasn't her first married man to screw around with, so she's gotta be insecure since she knows she's not even trustworthy. I wanted to get along so badly at first that (he left me for her in Nov) I invited them and her daughter to color Easter eggs with us the first Easter. I was warned and warned not to be nice to them or trust them because they were setting me up to try to gain joint custody, but I didn't want to believe they would do that. However, I make significantly more than he does and so it comes down to money. How stupid was I? They hurt me enough in the beginning, why are they trying so hard to hurt me now? I just don't get some people and I think that's a good thing because if what they are doing made sense, I'd need some serious help. I don't want to hurt them, I just don't want anything to do with them. MOVE ON and leave me alone!! Oh, and btw, I called the counselor (knowing he probably couldn't get involved) to verify I let my ex in because of my concern for my son's feelings, not the counselor letting him in because I shut the door in his face. He did confirm it, but can't provide an affidavit to support me because the school district prohibits involvement in divorce cases, etc. I understood.
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Post by Dave on Jan 30, 2008 21:02:50 GMT -5
I've got nothing to offer you but good thoughts, which I am sending your way. May better days be ahead for you.
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Post by crushy on Jan 31, 2008 1:40:52 GMT -5
I need all of the positive energy I can get. I met with a counselor today to get some referrals for my sons and he told me that I need to define more stringent boundaries with my ex. We are down to e-mail only because he tried to use my short-term memory problem against me and claim things were or weren't said.
I've actually thanked God for this particular injury over the past few mos as it has served me well to have everything in writing in e-mail.
We have been ordered to Mediation again with a Guardian at Lit em before our pre-trial set for March 3rd. I have thought long and hard about giving him joint custody (with the maximum of 110 nights), but after today's e-mail, I was reminded of why I can't do it. If he's a control freak now, if he's got joint custody, he's going to be even worse!! Not only that, but his obsessive need for any and all control would only escalate. I've asked both sons together and separately what THEY want. Ultimately, all they care about is being free to come and go between homes like they did before the custody suit. This was what we did for 2 yrs as he assured me he'd never use my flexibility against me and yet, that is EXACTLY what he (they) did. I was warned and warned, but didn't want to believe they'd do that too.
I'm a reasonable person. He's as much their parent as I am. Yes, I carried them and gave birth to them, but they are his sons too. However, as their mom, I honestly believe it is in their best interest not to give him any more control because it's already been hell. Why would I want them to spend more time than necessary with someone that is not in touch w/ reality? It scares me that he is their male role model and that I chose him for them? Mother's guilt.
I get to spend tonight detailing exactly how much I've spent on discretionary travel (hadn't left them in 2 1/2 yrs), food, clothes, music, etc. I'll do my best, but who can detail that (and I'm an Accountant!!)?
His child support only pays 1/4 of one house pmt a month and he wants to try to prove I abuse the child support? Duh!!
Like my fiance tells me, I should be glad he continues to be himself and do what he does because it only makes my case, but I can't help but read his e-mails in awe and just wonder if he really believes what he says.
His mother has known me for 26 yrs and she provided the court with an affidavit that I am a good mother and he is lucky I allow the time he has them.
We've been divorced 4 yrs and this custody battle began 2 yrs ago. We are so close....sorry, got interrupted by the phone and can't remember what I was thinking.
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Post by crushy on Jan 31, 2008 10:00:36 GMT -5
Grrrrrr.... I need a reminder why I'm fighting to keep my sons full-time now that they are teens. I'm worn out by the time I get to work after going through waking them, giving them their medicine, getting their butts out the door, etc. Just like their dad (particularly my oldest) no matter what freaking time I start, they don't move until a certain time, which almost always makes them late. For the life of me, I never did figure out why my ex could NOT understand that if it were 5 minutes to the hour we needed to be somewhere and it took 20 minutes to get there, if we hadn't left yet....'we were NOT late'. Hellllloooooo? Do the math? I love my son, but this is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!! My stress comes out in my dreams and I've dreamed that I'm in court in front of about 60 teachers, my ex and the judge defending why I did not make my sons excel. I keep telling them, even if they get a job at McDonald's, they are not going to keep their job if they fail to put the meat in the hamburger. There are just things in life you just HAVE to do. Education is not optional!!!!!!!! Of course, my ex is all over them, but he fails to mention when we first got married, we'd pay hundreds of dollars per quarter for college and he'd get up, clean the snow off the truck, drive around the corner until I went to work and then come back home and go to bed. Thanks to my OCD, I noticed the bed was not perfect like I left it, but of course, he'd deny it until grades came out. He didn't even have the gumption to drop the class to recover some of the money. The worst part of this story is....he didn't do this just one quarter. I'm telling ya, the counselor that told him he lied because he has a problem and not because he was afraid of my reaction was spot on!!!! Now he's going for my sons' jugulars if they do anything wrong?! It just infuriates me! My oldest is almost the perfect kid so far. He's almost 16, never goes to parties, never sluffed until last week, does not ask me to buy things (I have to force him to even get school clothes), would rather have Ramen or a peanut butter sandwich than have me get fast food on my later work nights. He can't even give me a Christmas list because there is rarely anything he wants. The ONLY thing the kid wants is to go to a couple of after school clubs a week. My ex wants to take that away from him too? I may be wrong, but this is his only outlet. He's under a lot of pressure being in the middle of this battle between us, he asks for very little, he doesn't participate in sports, he's a great kid (other than hell in the morning). I believe if he's not behind in his homework, he should be able to go to these clubs a couple of hours per week. My ex wants to take that away from him too?! I told my son I will fight for him to be able to continue the clubs with the agreement if he's behind in any homework, he go straight home rather than the clubs on an 'as necessary' basis. The thing that makes this difficult is...when my ex left me for OW, I was so devastated, I didn't read our divorce decree (he prepared himself on the internet)...I just checked to make sure I got sole custody and signed the damned papers. Well, later I find out that there was a clause that gave him 'final say' in the event we disagree about anything regarding their education, religion, etc. When I finally did ask him about it, he told me that was standard and I was in such a fragile emotional state, I didn't question it. This is the major thing we are asking to be modified in our decree in court. He pulls the 'final say' crap on me regarding their freaking dentist!!!!!!!!!! BTW, erf, I typed out a long reply to your post last night and somehow managed to lose it before it posted. I thank you for your positive thoughts. I need all I can get. God was playing a trick on us when he gave me OCD w/ 2 sons with ADD. At least He has a sense of humor. I'll feel better by 9:00. I just HATE mornings right now. Thanks for letting me vent...again!!!!!!
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Post by crushy on Jan 31, 2008 19:28:18 GMT -5
I'm so conflicted! Everyone that is related to us or knows us thinks I need to get the Feds involved and let my ex pay for his stalking. I just talked to a friend that I've had for nearly 20 yrs, that knows my ex, sons, etc and she thinks it's time for me to report him. She is worried about us. I just can't imagine having my ex charged when he is my sons' dad. Of course, he's counting on that. I'm so tired. I spend my days consumed with what he might do and my nights feeling like I need to watch over everyone else. Little sleep does screw with your head for sure. I've probably posted this before, but I'm going to do it again so there is a public record of it. I fear my ex will steal drugs from a crime scene and plant them on my car and then have me pulled over and charged. If I come up missing, my family, friends and co-workers know to investigate him. Funny, my most recent accident in March...the first thing almost everyone that knows me asked if there was any possibility that my ex had anything to do with it. Luckily, he didn't. The 20 yr old girl was reaching for her cell phone charger and crossed to my side of the highway and we had a head on collision (both at freeway speed). Thankfully, she's taken responsibility since the moment of the accident (not to mention she was fine and didn't even go to the hospital, but they had to cut the roof from my car to get me out, broke my leg in 2 places and my hand, spent almost a week in the hospital after surgeries on my injuries and then another 7 wks in a hospital bed and yet another few weeks with casts and a walker). I've been contacted a few times by the city asking how I feel about criminal charges. Of course, it was an accident and she is young, so I asked them to go as easy as possible as well as relay to her that I'm glad she's okay. Obviously, he was not involved, but it's gotten back to me that they've said it would have made their lives easier had I died. Sick!!!! Back to the matter at hand. I love my sons. I know and want them to love their dad and I have no doubt he loves them, but at what point does he become a danger to them? At what point do I have him charged? He's desperate and that is the scary part. I know he'd never harm my boys intentionally, but what kind of example is he? I've tried to respect the fact he is their dad and believed he is just as much their parent as I am even though I carried and delivered them. At what point do I know he is a detriment and not a father figure? I feel so guilty. I chose their dad and he's obviously NEVER been the man I believed him to be. Much to my dismay, I admit, I was much more forgiving than I ever should have been. What do I do legally? If he's this twisted and sick after 4 yrs of leaving me, what can I look forward to? I just pray to God his new son (due in the spring) will occupy him, but based on history, it's just going to give him more freedom from her. He can always claim 'crime scene' and not be available and she's stupid enough to believe it. If she had ANY idea what he said to me about 6 mos after they married, she'd freak, but why tell her? She'd never believe it because she can't. The thing that makes me sick is I can't judge her when I fell for his crap for over 20 yrs!!!!
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Post by crushy on Feb 1, 2008 4:38:48 GMT -5
I probably made it clear at some point, but just wanted to confirm, I know my ex loves my sons and would never intentionally hurt them. If that were the case, his a$$ would be grass. ;D
I'm just full of anxiety (as well as insomnia) about what he's going to pull next. I would lay my life down for my sons, but he'll never see how damaging he has been to them.
I guess what I'm saying is...I never have to worry about their physical well-being when with him, but worry myself sick that he is their male role model.
They 'tolerate' my ex's (OW) now wife, but they adore my fiance. They were actually disappointed I came home from our trip together last month still just engaged and not married.
We had to put his dog down and it just didn't feel like the right time. Bo was a beautiful, loyal dog that had cancer in his face, lymphs, etc. He'd had surgery to remove the cancer in his mouth once, but it was already in the roof of his mouth and nose. It was just a matter of time. I tell you, seeing my man of 6'5" with tears rolling down his face made me love him more than I've ever loved him. He hadn't cried since he was 19 when his dad died.
I'm (he) was glad I was there during that time, but oh....it hurt. Bo weighed 85 lbs and was so gentle and loyal. His tumor in his mouth was about the size of a lemon and prevented him from being able to close his mouth during the last days. Once he quit eating, we knew it was time, but it was the day after Christmas. Until that time, he'd get excited to go for rides in the truck, chase kitties when we walked him, etc.
W grew up in a funeral home (until he was 16), so he wanted to be with Bo when they put him down. It nearly killed me, but it was a good experience. For those of you that have lost pets (I have too), they lay a blanket down, give them a sedative, and then when they are relaxed, give them an injection. It takes a few minutes and the Vet has a stethoscope to confirm when it's officially done, but they really don't feel it. The most upsetting thing for me was (and thankfully, they warned us) dogs' eyes don't close when they are put to sleep.
It was sad and beautiful at the same time. I had to have a kitty put down and had no idea what it was like, so I don't want to appear morbid by describing this experience, but I know it gave me peace regarding death.
He got his ashes and a paw print plaque. I thought that was kinda cute. Bo was so big, he'd knock me over with loves and I'm generally petrified of dogs due to a dog bite on my upper lip when I was tiny and a friend's dog was protecting her new pups.
Yep, it's late and I'm rambling, but oh well...Tx!!!!!!
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Post by crushy on Feb 2, 2008 11:47:10 GMT -5
Ahh, a few days of peace and quiet. The most I've dealt with them is a few e-mail exchanges regarding insurance providers because I'm taking my sons back to counseling and the oldest to an Orthodontist. Of course, I wonder if it's the silence before the storm. I guess I shouldn't get too comfortable. I want to call my sons' appointed Guardian at Lit em so he can contact them, but I don't want him to feel I am trying to make him biased. I've discussed this with both sons many times, telling them to just tell the truth about what they want and feel and not worry because he is there for them and not us. I hope they understand that. They are 15 and 12, so I know they get it, but the loyalty to both parents can be difficult and conflicting as I know from my own parents' divorce. There is such a fine line between talking to them to make sure they know they are safe and number one and possibly having the ex spin it as telling them/asking them too much. I've been told I'm still giving him too much power. I don't think that's it though. I just want to do right by my sons. I've also been told I may be so concerned about them (like letting my ex into the counselor's office when he knew he had no legal right to be there, it was covered in e-mail, he had an appt made for an hour after ours, etc) that it would have been better had I not let him in for my son's sake. All I could see/feel at the moment was that my son was torn with us in one room and his dad in another. Of course, my ex took total advantage of that. Of course he knew the school (the counselor particularly) are discouraged from getting involved. He validated what had actually occurred vs my ex's account via his attorney through mine, but that's all he could do. I didn't question it, but I guess it gave me some comfort that my son has an adult at school that knows what is really going on. Other than this damned custody case, life is so good. Of course, the 'custody case' encompasses my sons' and their hearts, etc. This is the hardest part. I just can't believe it's been over 4 yrs and it's still going on. My oldest will be 18 in just over 2 yrs!! Being a teenager is hard enough, but this hanging over them has to be hard. Thanks for letting me vent again. Just missing my sons (their weekend with their dad) and getting impatient it's not over yet. Why can't he put them FIRST???
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Post by crushy on Feb 12, 2008 10:27:05 GMT -5
Well, the devices I've researched to detect any type of surveillance equipment is going to run me at least a $2,000 or more. It's worth it to me though (add that to another $1,000 for my share of the Guardian ad Litem and the other many thousands to my Custody Attorney). I've got a lot more research to do first. I don't know enough about the laws. To be honest, I'm leaning toward having it done to where I'm protected when something is found. Like everyone tells me, it's not actions that would hurt him, but his. I don't know what to do.
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Post by loshyra on Feb 12, 2008 10:39:43 GMT -5
I keep telling you Crushy that he is the asswipe that decided to do this, and decided to start all this shit with you. Let him pay for those actions. Let your sons know that this is not RIGHT! And that their dad is not the way that they should be when they get married.
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Post by sheyd on Feb 12, 2008 10:59:13 GMT -5
Wow - this is my first reading of all of this stuff. I am SOOOO glad you have a place to get it all out! Can you have the FBI or any other law agency check for you? Perhaps by paying some fee or something? I do think having someone else do it that can testify would make more sense. I hope this all settles down for you soon! Please keep venting, I know it makes me feel better too...
Shey
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