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Post by hoodieprincess on Feb 6, 2008 15:13:11 GMT -5
Okay, I just needed to vent so I don't just break down crying at work...
Today, I am finally freaking out a little bit. Things at home have not been so great lately. It's hard to get into it all or I will end up crying. I live with my parents. That is an "ugh" situation in itself. But, the last few weeks have been rough. I have turned into Cinderella more than ever. There are days I am hurting so bad I can't even stand up and yet I am given orders basically. There is no respect at all. The other night I walked into the house in tears I hurt so bad and as my mom looked at me, she told me basically what I needed to cook for my dad for dinner. Well the kitchen was a wreck and in order to cook, I had to clean too. She walked in later as I was trying to get it done and goes, "Dad's dinner isn't done yet? You know I like to have him fed before this." I just looked at her and turned around without saying a word. That isn't an isolated incident. It happens like that all the time lately. She's lately ragged on me that because I've been so out of it due to my pain, she feels she's having to take care of my kids. She was mad because they aren't her responsibility. The night after I'd spent the morning in the ER, she'd made dinner for everyone else but my kids which wasn't a big deal to me. They came to me telling me what they wanted and when I went to make it, she yelled at me for being in her way and said she'd take care of it. I can't win for losing. But tomorrow is my appointment to see if I have surgery. I should be able to take this moment to worry about myself a tad but instead, my main concern is the backlash that will come from me being laid up if I do have surgery. She says that she will take care of things and wants to take off work if I do have surgery to help with the kids. Yet all I am afraid of is the slap in the face that will occur when she throws it in my face later. How can I function like this!?!? Needless to say, this adds to my excitement to finally get the hell out of there. If I have surgery, it won't happen until after the surgery is done. But I am starting to panic a bit today. I hate being in this situation. I am supposed to do the cooking and cleaning and get lectured if it's not done even on days I can barely function as it is. If it's like this now, I can't see how I'll be expected to have recovery time. I really just am on the verge of tears today. Mental, emotional, and physical exaustion at this point isn't helping my mental state in dealing with the situaion. Even F noticed last night that I was just cranky. I'm scared and tired and in pain. I don't know how to carry all their weight too and don't think it's fair to deal with the backlash from what I am in now not to mention if my mom is forced to carry the load of my kids if I do have surgery...Ugh! Wow, I needed to get that off my chest some.
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Post by cdngurl on Feb 6, 2008 15:23:34 GMT -5
Hi Hoodie, I feel so bad for what you are going through.. The only thing I can say is that you might want to consider the issue of "boundaries". You have every right to have them and to speak up, and to insist on them. You need to figure out what is acceptable, what is not, and to stick to that, without being bullied beyond your boundaries. I can understand why you are so excited to move into your own place.. the problem with family I noticed, after having lived with my mom and sister, is that they feel it is ok to cross boundaries they wouldn't dare cross with others... and vice versa. Sometimes, as much as you love your family, living with them doesn't work well... hugs
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Post by jules on Feb 6, 2008 15:29:39 GMT -5
Right now, deep breaths. Take a walk if you can. Remember this too shall pass.
It sounds like you and your parents are overdue for a calm and rational talk re: expectations and boundaries. It may be tough to do without getting emotional, but I think it's at least worth a try.
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Post by sheyd on Feb 6, 2008 15:41:50 GMT -5
You are super close to being out on your own, right? With taxes coming? So... tell it to her bluntly. Don't be afraid to be rude. Get into the fight with her. If she can't be helpful, you are better off on your own. If you need help until your taxes come so you can get out NOW, I will put it on a credit card if I need to. This situation isn't healthy - not for what she is doing - that is HER lack of emotional health - but what YOU are doing. You are letting her dictate to you and your family as some sort of payment. You are enslaving yourself and supressing your natural reactions to keep a peace that doesn't exist. You are sacrificing yourself, and it isn't healthy. If she doesn't want to help, that is fine, but what she is doing is NOT helpful, and you are letting her do it. You are worth so much more than this! My guess is she doesn't even REALIZE how rude she is being! Get out of there, but stand up for yourself first!
Shey
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Post by freckles on Feb 6, 2008 15:48:56 GMT -5
Have you applied for a HUD Apartment ?
HUD charges you according to your Income
If You have very little income there is very little payment
Like the Rent is $800.00
Hud might Pay $700.00 and you Pay the $100.00
Sometimes if you can find a place with utilities Included it is even better
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Post by hoodieprincess on Feb 7, 2008 0:28:14 GMT -5
Thanks, Freck. The places around here do run through HUD and they are based on 30% of your income. They do have a waiting list though and I don't know that I can wait that long. Really, I found a place not far from work, I could still drive the kids to the little town they are in school and make it to work without changing our schedule a ton, and it's affordable (all basic utilities included). I'm going to try and go see something tomorrow after my doctor's appointment.
And, as much as I hate it, I suppose I signed myself up to be Cinderella. My income when I don't get child support is almost equal to my monthly bills. It doesn't leave me a lot of extra for rent. So, the agreement was made that when I couldn't pay rent, I would take on extra around here and my rent would be in-kind for things like cooking and cleaning. I think somewhere my parents started taking advantage of that because it's gone above and beyond. And, it's not that I don't help at all when I can't pay rent...I still buy groceries for the family (*all* of the family). I get stuff for my dad's lunches, family dinners, cleaning & laundry supplies...All that stuff. I don't do it alone but I contribute a lot so it's not like my parents are just carrying my load. It kills me all the time. As if I don't feel guilty about living this way and hate it. So, apparently my parent's have hit some money problems and that is where a lot of this is coming from. They refuse to not spend hundreds of dollars frivilous things...They'd hate for my sister to go without her HUGE birthday parties and 4 different extra curricular activities. I know, they shouldn't have to sacrifice for us. Tonight was just it though...Over dinner, my mom says in front of my kids, "Hey, A, how about we just put you on the streets the next few nights and make us the money we need to pay for the propane? We need it this weekend." I just looked at her. She giggled. She was only joking afterall (as she threw out there when I couldn't wipe the pissed off look off my face). Then as we all sit down, she goes, "And when I say 'on the streets' I don't mean 'on the streets' like that. You know, you can go work the corner outside Wal-Mart holding a sign!" Again, she laughs...Like it is really supposed to be funny to belittle me in front of my children (or throw it in my face how much I can't do when it's killing me that I am sick and getting worse and more than likely facing surgery). The thought actually crossed my mind to wait for surgery even if they think I need it. I can't do this. I can't face dealing with this anymore. How bad must it be if a person is really thinking of postponing a medical procedure because of that? I just don't know what to do anymore. I left the table at dinner crying so my kids wouldn't see. Later, she started in again (at least the kids had gone to bed by then). And, after I started crying again, she didn't say anything. She just got up and walked out of the room. F promised me no matter what choice I made, he'd stand by me. And, if my surgery has to wait, he'll help me as soon as he gets moved back. I don't know what else to do...I can't do this anymore. I haven't quit crying now in about 3 hours...
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Post by AngelBaby on Feb 7, 2008 0:57:01 GMT -5
Oh sweetie................................... I hope that things go well for you at the doctor tomorrow.......keep us informed. Thinking of you....... J
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Post by goods on Feb 7, 2008 8:02:33 GMT -5
Hoodie try to focus on moving out, moving forward. You have been through so much... little steps, little accomplishments are what you need.
That is f*cked up.... Soon you will be in your own place, it may not be some mansion but it will be yours.
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Post by jules on Feb 7, 2008 9:42:44 GMT -5
Oh my gosh (re: your mom's snide, not funny comment.) What did you say?? I hope that you are speaking up for yourself. It doesn't have to be in a nasty way. I find that expressing disbelief when someone says something incredibly rude or insulting is quite effective. Still, I can't even imagine a parent talking to or about her own child that way. I don't get it. And I'm really sorry. But you do not have to take that kind of treatment silently.
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Post by Dave on Feb 7, 2008 12:35:18 GMT -5
hopefully when you get out of there you will be able to have a semi-normal relationship with your mother. IF not, at leat you are out of there.
Hang in there Mu.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Feb 12, 2008 10:58:22 GMT -5
So, Sunday night I stood up to her. I was tired and not feeling well and after all the stress I just was done. L had gotten in trouble and my mom proceeded to start cuddling with her and treating her like a baby all the while telling her she shouldn't have been in trouble. She then proceeded to tell me (in front of both L & T) how I am overreacting and L shouldn't be in trouble and that I she doesn't know how I am going to raise my kids on my own after I move. I looked at her and told her it was enough. I was tired of being belittled, judged and her undermining me. And worse, she was doing it in front of the kids and it was just enough. So, her answer, tell me I was over-reacting and just because I was having a bad night, I didn't need to take it out on her. She owned NO responsiblity for her actions at all. None. And, better yet, she's now proceeding to just stop talking to me all together. I so can't wait to get out of there. She got really mad last night that she came home and I hadn't cleaned the kitchen or fixed dinner when in fact I was in so much pain, I could barely stand. You know when you start hurting so bad, your body kind of shuts down in a sense? My hands were turning purple, my teeth were chattering. And all the while, she was mad that I hadn't done the work and she was going to. Really, I need out of there...I just do. Thanks for the support and letting me come here to vent guys. I will have to fill you in on the most recent medical updates later I suppose because I am too frustrated to get into that right now...
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Post by sheyd on Feb 12, 2008 11:05:20 GMT -5
I am SOOOO glad you stood up for yourself! You DO need out of there - and you need to keep standing up for yourself! Hey, if she doesn't talk to you, that isn't a bad thing when what has been coming out of her mouth is so vile! Let her stew in her bile, she doesn't need to pour it on you - KEEP STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!
It will be over soon... And remember, help is only help if it HELPS. If she doesn't care for you when you are in pain, she really isn't helping!
Shey
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JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Feb 12, 2008 11:21:55 GMT -5
im actually going to be a minority here, i know.. admittedly, i havent read a lot that you have posted... but i see a huge red flag here. i know you hate the way your mom treats you... but if you are in too much pain to cook and clean, even if she does bitch, she still ends up doing it.... so i would try to have a talk with her, and my advice with that is to DONT GET EMOTIONAL no matter what you do, even if you have a valid point, your emotions will invalidate everything you are saying.
good luck.
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