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Post by lumpy on Mar 26, 2008 14:10:42 GMT -5
I found out Monday that she had been reading all of my Ojar posts..... all the pain, problems. She never contacted me about any of it. I'd look on that as a positive. At least she respected your privacy enough to not intercede or come onto the site and present her side of the story. I've seen it on Ojar. Not fun.
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Post by goods on Mar 26, 2008 14:16:54 GMT -5
Yes... It's just that I was going through a lot of pain, had surgery. She never contacted me, she was living in fantasyland and now that it has fallen apart, gone to shit for her. She comes to me, as she says, I am the only one that cares about her.
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Post by murdock on Mar 26, 2008 14:17:14 GMT -5
I found out Monday that she had been reading all of my Ojar posts..... all the pain, problems. She never contacted me about any of it. People that drink do so to cover up the hurt and pain that they feel in their heart. Alcoholics are also people that experience extreme guilt. Mabe she needed to read those words... so she could see things from your perspective. I can understand why she didn't want to engage in lengthy discussion on ojar with you... it was guilt. The fact that she didn't bring it up only shows the distructive path she is on. Alcoholics are just that... alcoholics. As long as she is masking the pain, you won't know what her true feelings are. She needs to sober up and figure shit out. She is a mother and she needs to wake the F#$% up. Easier said than done. I am sorry goods. I am sorry for your family, I am sorry for the kids and I am sorry that her pain is so strong she is taking it out on everyone that matters.
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Post by jules on Mar 26, 2008 14:19:44 GMT -5
ditto x infinity. i remind myself of that frequently. eventually it starts to sink in. I was fortunate in that my ex often provided me with overt examples. I had plenty of examples, but had been beating myself up over spending 10 years with such a complete and utter asshole. I need to remind myself that he changed and he lied, and that's not something I could have predicted or known, and the only thing I'm "guilty" of is trusting in my spouse.
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Post by goods on Mar 26, 2008 14:20:59 GMT -5
Tuesday I offered to go to a couple AA meetings with her, she knows drinking is a big problem, but she said she wouldn't go. That is where I pretty much gave up on her.
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Post by murdock on Mar 26, 2008 14:22:39 GMT -5
Tuesday I offered to go to a couple AA meetings with her, she knows drinking is a big problem, but she said she wouldn't go. That is where I pretty much gave up on her. The hardest thing to realize is that you can't help someone until they help themselves. Let her bottom out. Tell her that you will have nothing to do with her. Do just that. When she comes crawling out of the gutter... and asks you to help her help herself... do just that.... help her. She won't hit bottom until you let her go.
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Post by goods on Mar 26, 2008 14:29:25 GMT -5
I hate to see that..... but I know you are right.
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Post by goods on Mar 26, 2008 14:38:08 GMT -5
I believe she was trying to cover up a lot of pain, self-hatred.
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Post by murdock on Mar 26, 2008 14:39:10 GMT -5
She is text book alcoholic... but the worst kind.
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Post by murdock on Mar 26, 2008 14:41:09 GMT -5
She doesn't love anyone... she doesn't even love herself. She is married to the bottle.
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Post by goods on Mar 26, 2008 14:46:23 GMT -5
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Post by goods on Mar 26, 2008 14:49:55 GMT -5
Think I will get a cigar on the way home and talk the dogs for a very long walk in the woods.
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Post by ionysis on Mar 26, 2008 15:17:03 GMT -5
Good idea. I went for a long run last night and it helped so much.
I know where you are coming from. Stay strong.
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Post by murdock on Mar 26, 2008 15:21:48 GMT -5
Think I will get a cigar on the way home and talk the dogs for a very long walk in the woods. It is hard to let someone go... you feel like you are giving up on them. I went through this with my brother when he was addicted to meth. I would drive around looking for him... after going to therapy with him I realized that there was NOTHING I could do for him at that time in his life. Relax. Take a deep breath. Go spend time with your dogs and reflect on the day. That is all you can do. Enjoy what you have at that moment.
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Post by Dave on Mar 26, 2008 15:30:42 GMT -5
Good luck, Goods.
Feel free to ignore the rest:
I think a lot of relationships are hard to end. Even when they already have. Once we are removed from the misery for awhile we find ourselves thinking about what could or should have been and that nostalgia builds up and before too long we think if only we had another chance, or if only we had a little more time, tried a different method, or done something differently. . .or my own personal favorite, maybe she can change. How many times have you hoped and prayed for that? All that hope, that's just the mind playing tricks on you. You know why this relationship ended in the first place, and you know it probably should have ended well before that. No matter how wonderful the possibilities you imagine are, you need to walk away because it's just that, imagination.
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