Post by J (Hot Mess) on Apr 2, 2008 13:42:27 GMT -5
They are giving me shit for a holiday I booked 9 months ago thats coming up this weekend and I will need to take fri and mon off for. And I need it now more than ever before I lose my mind. I dont belong here anymore. It was the last thing I was holding onto from my old life and I see now that nothing stays the same, you cant get it back.....I should have never come back. It was a huge mistake. God, I wish you could rewind time and make the RIGHT decisions when you would have had the benefit of hindsight to have done so.
It WAS the right decision to make. You did what you needed to at the time, and now you see things there in a different light. You always have to make the best decision you can based on the information you have. You made the decision, stop beating yourself up over it! Now you have NEW information. You DON'T like it there, it DIDN'T turn out how you hoped, the market changed, etc. New information - time for a new decision. That doesn't mean going back and beating yourself up for every decision that got you where you are!
As long as you are looking backwards and wishing you could have had this or that or changed this or that, you won't be able to see all the options that are in FRONT of you - towards your future. You can make new choices, with your new ideas about what is right for you. But make them looking toward where you WANT to be, rather than behind you at where you don't want to be anymore.
J, you have hated this damn job for ages. Its been a huge pile of stress which affects your health, fees are largely sucess based so the basic salary is sh@t, the outcome of a lot of your deals isn't really under your own control and the markets are utterly f@cked. If they DO fire you they will be doing you the biggest favout of the century.
You haven't been able to let go of this job and this lifestyle despite all its negative impacts on your health. You feel like a "failure" because you think you "can't cut it" anymore. That is BS. It is plain and simple fact that this job is not the right place for you anymore. This job does not define you. Your career has been something you have held onto because it has been a constant and because you know you are good at it but sometimes you just have to know when to get out of dodge.
Pray to God honey that they let you go with a decent payoff and real life can finally start. They are all assh@les anyway! Remember the Hawaii thing? They treat women like cr@p and you deserve better.
I'll be thinking of you sweetie.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
Post by J (Hot Mess) on Apr 2, 2008 19:55:23 GMT -5
They were very hostile the other day and threatened to bring in lawyers......it could get very ugly. That place was my family for the last ten years. Who will I be when its gone too? Ion you said about R that you think there is something empty and broken inside of him. I feel that way too. I feel like it all just got the best of me and I cant fight anymore. Not with them. Not about anything. I dont know who I am anymore. I just go to work and go home and do nothing to fix it because I dont know what to do to fix it. I dont know what I want, besides for what I had. Oh bleah this sounds sickening. I cannot even stand myself. What a fuck up I have become. I may have to delete this because its nauseating to me.
Then this is what you need to work on right now. Not thinking about what you HAD... but dreaming about what you WANT. If you get stuck thinking about what you had, turn it into - what ABOUT that did you like? What are your dreams, what would make you happy?
I know things "broke" for you - but that just means now is your chance to really CHOOSE your direction. What way do you want to go?
Post by J (Hot Mess) on Apr 3, 2008 13:39:43 GMT -5
Today I close a multi-million dollar deal. I didnt even get a "Good Job" or anything like that. In this market thats huge. Im speaking to headhunters and making a move to get out of here. They can fuck off after all these years. Family. Pffft. Ya, right. Im so out of here as soon as I find the right platform. Ion~~I cant give up. I almost did. If this deal didnt close I would have but it gave me a little fire back. We get paid on total comp, not just base, so it makes a difference. A HUGE difference. But we get capped out at x million. This one got capped out at 3 bucks.
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."