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Post by gdgross on Mar 31, 2008 12:29:49 GMT -5
Shattered - so sorry that you found us under these circumstances.
All of us are in different stages of the healing process. I'm mostly better, but I remember the pain well. It took me about six months before I could have a normal day again, and about six more months for me to stop thinking about her every five minutes. I'm sure we could all talk your ear off about our divorces.
I've had a couple of short relationships since her, and I am enjoying life and living well again. But I think that the scar tissue from this wound will never leave me.
All the best on your journey. We are here when you need to vent.
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Post by rocko on Mar 31, 2008 18:02:42 GMT -5
Glad you decided to become part of the family.
I am way past the ex drama, but still here...cannot leave the family for too long. I love having everyone for support and a sounding board.
Welcome!!
Shanna
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Post by shattered on Apr 1, 2008 0:21:24 GMT -5
remaining optimistic, Shey, gdgross, Shanna -- thank you all so much.
remaining -- yes, it hurts to breathe. It hurts to be awake. Even when the pain is less than at other times, it's still overpowering and has this sickening quality to it. I like your screen name -- it's what I've been trying so hard to do, but have yet to succeed.
Shey -- thank you so much for your characteristically warm welcome. I truly do feel welcome, by you, and by everyone else who has replied to my post.
gdgross -- I know exactly what you mean about feeling like the scars from the wound will be with you forever. I actually kind of feel that even if my heart does ever heal, it will be functioning with a prosthetic. There was so much betrayal involved (no other woman, but lies and betrayal nonetheless) from a man who I thought was so honorable, and he ended it soooo unbelievably coldly and cruelly, that I just feel damaged forever. I am very glad you are mostly better. You clearly have had a long hard journey.
Shanna -- from reading the posts over the past months, I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to ever leave this community. This has struck me as a wonderful place with truly caring people from the beginning. So, are you, as your ID box (or whatever that is called) says now "Happily Married"? For how long?
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Post by ionysis on Apr 1, 2008 0:39:15 GMT -5
Hi Shattered,
When you feel ready why don't you tell us your story. I found it enormously helpful to get it out.
Have you had any counselling or therapy to help you move forward? It can be so hard to heal from the pain when you don't have any real answers or closure, when you just don't understand what could possibly have happened in the mind of the person you loved and thought you knew.
Some of us still don't understand exactly what went on and have managed to move on without understanding, some of us had answers but realised that they didn't really mean anything or change anything at the end of the day.
It does take time but slowly the more you build your life and out the pieces back together the more that gaping hole that is left will close.
In January last year I wrote this to someone and I dug it out because I thought it might help you...
" I have discovered that there is one good thing about having your whole future wiped out. It leaves you with a blank canvas and a chance to be creative.
It sounds like you were like me and had everything planned - I had the works coming up: husband, family, extremely good lifestyle to which I had every intention of becoming accustomed - my whole life in glorious Technicolor. But if I'm honest it was all really HIS life not mine - I was compromising so much of myself by being with him and it was all a lie anyway - OK I still feel in my twisted heart that it was worth that just to be part of the movie of his life but my head is telling me different.
What we have now is this big expanse of whiteness where the future used to be and its so scary starting to try and sketch out a movie of your own - everything you put in looks pale and shaky in comparison to the Hollywood blockbuster that was there before.
But I think my mind is trying to help me out. It's not someone else's masterfully produced Oscar winner I'm going to be starring in now, I'm putting together my own independent production. My existing friends and family, job, hobbies, interests etc. are all hanging round in the wings waiting for their cue and I can give them as large or small roles in the film of my future that I choose.
Then there are the other parts of the movie - the backdrop and the location (where I want to live my life, the trips I want to take), the genre (film noir? tragedy? comedy? romance? inspirational drama?) then the other roles - friends I haven't met yet, the people I've yet to love, the skills I haven't got yet but want to learn - I can do casting calls for these and audition until I find just what I'm looking for.
I've also noticed recently that sometimes a TV show or movie I watch gives me some inspiration for what I want to put in my future picture. It’s all jumbled up at the moment but I'm working on a screen play and you know what? Its going to have "Written, Directed and Produced by Ionysis" on the credits this time and I'm never going to settle for "best supporting actress" again.
And another perk? If you are directing your own movie you don't have to be one of those perfectly groomed, impeccably dressed, gloriously toned, astonishingly beautiful, completely unattainable superstars either - you can just be you!
So there's my inspirational rant. Of course I'll be sobbing my heart out again in a day or two but little steps....little steps."
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Post by rocko on Apr 1, 2008 7:33:52 GMT -5
Sat is our 1 year wedding anniversary. September will be our 3 years together.
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Post by shattered on Apr 1, 2008 21:01:37 GMT -5
Shanna, That is wonderful. Congratulations on your anniversary.
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Post by shattered on Apr 1, 2008 21:16:52 GMT -5
ionysis,
Thank you so much for your inspirational rant. ; )
I know what you mean about the blank canvas and directing your own movie. But I admit it's near impossible for me to see it that way at the moment (though I try very hard to do so).
Part of the reason, I guess, is that at age 40, I finally want to share my life with that special person. I've had a lot of heartache in the past, and now this, and I just feel like I've run out of all energy for anything and everything.
I don't WANT a blank canvas. I wanted the scribbled-up, imperfect canvas I had with him. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms every night. I had no illusions that this was the perfect relationship or situation (see my post in my new thread), but I thought the good would outweigh the bad.
I knew that I would be settling in a sense (not in terms of how much I loved him, but in terms of feeling fulfilled), but I will tell you honestly that it was a heck of a lot better than I feel now, or than I'll feel being alone 10 years from now.
But, I have re-read your inspirational rant several times, and I will try to take it to heart and keep making new attempts with the new canvas. I so don't want to give up on my life.
Yes, I've been seeing a counselor for about 2 months, but he is really useless. If I can muster the energy, I will look for another one.
I've been on an anti-depressant since the very beginning, but it has only helped a tiny bit, and for a while it's been doing nothing. I have an appointment with a doctor on Monday to discuss switching to a different one. God, I hope something works. I just need some relief.
How do you feel you are doing with your own blank canvas and movie?
Hugs,
Shattered
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