midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 6, 2008 20:04:47 GMT -5
i want to fight with you. i want to argue. i want to fight you. i want to tell you that you suck ass. i want to tell you that i am mad. sending it into the ether is no longer satisfactory- i want to tell you to your face. i want to hurt you like you have hurt me. i want to be over you.
why can't i get over you? why do you make me laugh? why do you make me cry? why were you my perfect companion? why were you an idiot?
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 7, 2008 20:40:03 GMT -5
seriously- what is to become of me? i feel so socially isolated. i manage a bunch of women as old as my mom and work for an alcoholic womanizer. my two separate and distinct groups of friends have morphed into these sickening married family units. they produce off spring within weeks of each other and declare that their progeny will grow up to be best friends just like we did. i'm the only one without a chip to play their dumb game. i was the first to marry and only (so far) to divorce. why does everyone else get to stay married but me? i fell pushed out of my groups. no spouse. no kids. nothing in common anymore.
the crazy substitute UPS guy won't leave me alone. i don't want to date him. i don't think i want to be his friend. i really want him to stop leaving flowers on my windshield and just show up at the same time everyday for deliveries.
i have met my soulmate, and my soulmate is gone. how do i open myself up to allow someone to trump the memory of the person who has a reservation in my mind and heart and soul? how do i tell people to get off my back and leave me alone? how is it that adults so freely discount your feelings and presume that you do not know yourself? how do all these people with their darling children, new cars, cushy jobs, neat subdivisions and faithful and present spouses know what i have been through? i do not mean to be a martyr and i appreciate their empathy, but i want to vomit when they think they know how to best handle myself following the last three years of my life. unless it involves george clooney and a winning powerball ticket, they are nowhere close to fixing me.
let me be. please, just let me be. i am alone for a reason- i am not a sport dater. i am not over someone else. some hapless fellow will not fix me. in fact, i would likely fuck him up totally as i am a borderline nut case. besides, i am picky and there is nothing wrong with that. there are all these stumpy bald duds out there looking for pretty girls with perky bodies who want to only watch and play sports all weekend then go camping and fishing and she should, too. where is the guy who physically matches what he expects and thinks it is reasonable to go to a flea market or shoe sale in between mud volleyball and pardon the interruption?
i know how to get over him- it does not involve running off with some other guy to move into a subdivision and have a few kids. well, at least then i would fit in with my friends again. and, as if on cue, their lives will fall apart and i will be on the outs again...
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 9, 2008 20:07:09 GMT -5
never have i wanted to talk to you more than this weekend. i am going to lose my mind. i got into an argument with r at work about hezbollah. yes. were talking about the restauranteur who is now a fugitive in lebanon and the many allegations against him- one of them being that he funnneled money to hezbollah- she assured me that that could not be true as hezbollah would NEVER accept money from a man who drank and sinned. ok, you can see where that one went.
i worked all weekend as my boss continued to be awol and i picked up his slack and got dumped on. why doesn't anyone at work have MY back? i can tow the line for my boss and i can cover for my employees, but i get shit for needing to take off two days so i can be of assistance as my dad has an organ tansplant and my mom gives it to him.
b & m were at my parents' for dinner. as usual, they make me sick. after listening to their tales of two weeks in hawaii, they announced that b is getting a new BMW. nice for them. even nicer still, they bought the fucker from munich and are picking it up and having it shipped from paris. but there is a terrible downside: they return from europe the morning of the transplant and the US dollar is worthless in europe. could we make sure to let them know if there are any changes in the schedule for the transplant? OMG!!!!!!!!! my twin is the most selfish peerson on the face of this earth! how self indulgent to buy a BMW in europe (and talk about saving money that way when you spend more getting there and taking delivery of it. yes, i understand the concept, but please do not make it sound like a deal. sounds like a wash with a vacation thrown in) and schedule your return for the morning your parents undergo an organ transplant.
oh, and this is the best. as i had to leave right after dinner because i couldn't stand any more of them, i had to wait for the mother fuckers down the street to finish their drug deal in the middle of the street in broad day light to allow me to pass. they fucking sat there playing chicken with me and carrying on their business. i was always under the impression that durg dealer didn't actually USE their drugs, that bitch must have been high. why couldn't she be courteous and get the fuck out of my way and let me pass? i hate this place!!!!!! i cannot believe it. i want the hell out of it!!!!!!!!!!
on the plus side, the moon is pretty tonight.
i'll be sad when i am over you.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 11, 2008 20:14:08 GMT -5
you were right- everything will be fine. everything will be fine as long as you stay away. i do not want your name in my inbox because you selfishly try to keep me within reach. i can only block the addresses i know, who knows what new and unknown address you will come up with to shock me next. i cannot block you from my work e-mail, i cannot even filter it, so stay away from there, as well- i cannot handle you attempting to reach me.
please don't surprise me with some crazy text message. i know you only do that on new year's eve- but it is every new year's eve.
don't call me only when you have a crisis- you are not available for my crisis, why should i put my life on hold for you when you reappear?
don't send me music or cryptic messages about how you miss me. you passed on me. you gave me up- you must live with that. you threw what i had away. you made your choices for reasons i respect, now let it be. do not call me to make sure i wasn't the subject of the traffic report you heard on the news. if i was your business, you would be aware of where i am at all times. while i appreciate your concern, you gave up your right to know a year and a half ago.
you know i am right about certain things. i was right about my ex-husband- i was right about so many things. a little over a year ago, he called me and told me that i was right all along- about everything. but it was too late, too late for everything. there was nothing left between us that had not been smashed to smithereens. there is no joy at all in knowing that you were right about something so heartbreaking. i would bet anything i had that i am right about you as well. i hope i am wrong, but i am probably not. i want no confirmation either way. i will not be satisfied to know i am right and my heart will break all over again about you.
i always thought you were goofy for liking cameron crowe movies. there is a line in jerry maguire where renee zelwegger's character says something about loving jerry for the man he almost is. other than bob sugar, it is the only redeeming part of the movie. she realizes what a turd jerry is and still loves him (but i don't really believe her because she is dumb and he IS a turd, i just think the sentiment is generally valid). that is the way i feel about you. i don't think i was totally in love with the fantasy of you. i wasn't in love with the person i thought you would be if i could change you. i was in love with what i thought you could be because i could see your potential. i knew the person you were before and i knew that the person you became was not really you- it was a product of so many things you refuse to deal with.
i think i am over it, to the extent that i CAN be over it. this is no big deal because you have been rejecting me for a long time. i think you knew what you were doing last february- you were having your cake and eating it, too. i refused to believe it, but it is true- and true of the last year.
you really were special to me. i don't know what i was to you, but i will not dwell on it nor will i seek the answer. i am satisfied now with just being a memory.
please don't reach out to rattle my cage. you know you are an expert at it.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 12, 2008 19:00:19 GMT -5
i think i have finally made it. i no longer care what you do. i'm not distracted, i'm ok.
your arrogance, stupidity and hypocrisy still get me, but i don't think of you as an ideal anymore.
what i would like to say to you is that i hate you, but there is no point. it would make me look crazy and you wouldn't care. you really are my biggest mistake, and frankly, you are a mistake i wish i could erase. of everything in my life, things i have done and things that have happened to me, you are the only thing i wish i could completely take back.
perhaps taking it back is not necessary- you taught me about self-serving manipulation and emotional abuse. i thought you had the trifecta, but i was wrong.
good luck fucking up the rest of your life, i'm going to stop fucking up mine.
by the way, i know the ultimate insult to you is any comparison to my exhusband. i'm not just saying this to make you mad, but you are actually WORSE than the sister-fucker. honestly. you have now been emotionally filed away in the same place with him. i know you think it is petty and immature to not remain friends with an ex. i think it is an act of self-preservation to cease contact with toxic individuals. no matter what lessons you learn or how you grow and change, you hurt me badly, just like the exhusband, i won't be needing anymore of it (thanks!).
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Post by lumpy on Mar 12, 2008 21:45:05 GMT -5
Man, I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue. /There's no such thing as a bad week to stop sniffing glue.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 13, 2008 18:16:15 GMT -5
oh, lumpy...
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 13, 2008 19:12:31 GMT -5
i think the hardest thing to do is admit you have been abused. there must be a difference between someone who has been abused as a child and cannot get away or by a family member and someone who, as an adult, allows another person in to abuse you. it is a hard thing to swallow when you have allowed someone in and they take advantage of you- harder still is when you realize it is happening and you do not stop it.
before you dumped me for the one who dumped you, i thought we should end it. our relationship was like a nursery rhyme: when it was good, it was very, very good; but when it was bad it was horrid. i didn't want to go without the good, i thought i could deal with (and change) your horrid. i remember the way you yelled at me like i was your disobedient child for so many silly things- and it made me cry. i remember how you belittled me for the decisions i made- about everything, from the choice between mid grade gasoline and premium, to the shoes i wore (or didn't wear- how dare my feel be seen), to grabbing a bag of bite size candy bars at the grocery store (do you even realize that i looked like a skeleton then? a handful of candy would have done me wonders when you thought i could use a gym membership). you belittled me for decisions i didn't make are were unchangeable, such as the car i drove or the house i bought. you would call me on your way home from work- usually a bad time for me, but i would return your missed call to be greeted with a tirade about how i always call at the most inopportune time. that always brought tears to my eyes. i was just returning your call, if it was such a problem, you didn't have to answer that call. there was caller ID and VM. i remember how you joked about the bartenders with your friends in front of me and thought i should be ok with it. since i was underweight and you thought i was fat and in need of a boob job, no, i wasn't ok with it. you cheated on me and got mad when we broke up. you have walked away from me and abandoned me without explanation only to accuse me of the same when i had no choice. only to accuse me of abandoning you while you WERE WITH ANOTHER PERSON!
you have done horrible things to me and other people, but everyone else is in the wrong. i cannot even detail all of the abusive and manipulative things you have done, and there is no point. you are especially adept and making me feel terrible for failing to meet your expectations or standards of perfection. i know what i sent you today will make you mad. it will incite you to say that you expected more from me. you will tell me that i have disappointed you to no end and am basically dead to you. guess what, i have news for you- i have always expected more from you and you have repeatedly fallen short of my expectations. YOU have disappointed ME to no end. for some reason, you still have the ability to sting me, so i must ensure that you never return; i think i managed.
if you wanted me to know that your grandma died, you would have called yesterday when it happened. if you wanted me to know, you would have emailed me to tell me. what you did today was manipulative and deplorable. you have tried to invalidate my hurt and say it is contemptible and unjustified anger. you want to deflect it and turn it back on me. no, you are the one with the problem.
telling me that your grandmother died only to ignore my calls, not return my message and respond to my email with a mocking cartoon and nothing more shows just how low you are. you basically said: back-off, poor me; pay attention to me so i can ignore you. the cartoon took effort to find (you scanned it in upside down, jackass), but you could not acknowledge my concern for you and your loss? there was no reason to tell me as the incident had no bearing on your ability to ignore my calls and be a dick-head over e-mail. you told me to be manipulative.
and that, my friend, was MY last straw. for so long i have been afraid to tell you that i felt you were emotionally abusive, selfish and arrogant. you are toxic and i want you gone. when i tell you that i want you gone you get all manipulative on me saying that i abandon you, that you would never close a door on someone, all that shit. i don't need you- you hurt (what's that song about joe in say anything?). i told you that you are an emotionally abusive person and manipulative- and i have ensured that i will never again hear another peep out of you- if you say one thing to me i will expose EVERYTHING. if you stay the fuck out of my life, no worries.
i know you will think i have stooped too low- how could i even THINK of exposing you and your lies? that is beneath me, you would say (no, everything else was beneath me). you expected more of me (no, you expect me to not cause you problems). i don't care- you cannot see the forest for the trees. it is not a veiled threat, i will do it. stay away and stay away for good. stay away forever. i would allow you to emotionally abuse me forever, for some perverse reason, i cannot turn away- this promises that i won't have that problem again.
i'm sure i will feel bad later for making such a threat, but it is perfectly reasonable. i'm not perfect and never wanted to be. what you need is a stepford wife. you could even design her with pegs or wheels in place of her feet and i am pretty sure she wouldn't have to spend any time in the hut.
i really feel good. i don't need you in my life to undermine me, use me and waste me. i don't need someone who takes so much and gives so little.
by the way, for someone who was so concerned with my physical appearance- do you know that your hair is getting pretty thin? and you are having a hard time keeping up with the miss clairol. you have the most effeminate stance of any man i have ever seen. your gut has grown, and it wasn't even close to a six pack when you suggested a diet and gym membership for me. you didn't like my little boobies? you have the wimpiest chest i have ever seen. and a pin head.
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Post by lumpy on Mar 13, 2008 19:38:04 GMT -5
by the way, for someone who was so concerned with my physical appearance- do you know that your hair is getting pretty thin? and you are having a hard time keeping up with the miss clairol. you have the most effeminate stance of any man i have ever seen. your gut has grown, and it wasn't even close to a six pack when you suggested a diet and gym membership for me. you didn't like my little boobies? you have the wimpiest chest i have ever seen. and a pin head. I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! /Have resolved to use this the next nasty e-mail exchange I have with the ex //Practically looking foward to it now
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 13, 2008 20:28:19 GMT -5
i know i am not the first person to think she could change another person. i know that i am not the first person to be hurt. why does this one hurt more now than my exhusband? even on the day that i knew my exhusband was gone, i wasn't sad like this. what i lost in my husband was something i knew i would survive without. what i have lost with this one probably isn't even real. is it real? does the bad negate the good? even when i recognize how bad he was to me and for me, am i allowed to legitimately miss any of the good?
even when he hurt me, i wanted all of his good to trump his bad. i accepted his faults, mostly because i was weak. he thought i was a good and kind person, i think what he appreciated was that he got to be sub-human without confrontation from me.
i always believed him when he told me i was the kindest person he knew. but i wasn't, i am also a terrible human being. i wanted to be the awesome person he thought i was. now i am full of guilt. i feel like i was wrong to tell him that he is emotionally abusive. maybe he didn't know? he should be made aware. he is so good at turning it around. he will say i overreacted. he will say i deserved to be ignored. who knows what he will say. he will probably convince me that he was right and i was wrong. was i wrong to say that if says one word to me i would expose him? i now feel terrible. and in the wrong.
i feel like i have a year's worth of toxic tears in me and no way to let them out. i want it all out of me.
if he dares to say a word to me, he will say that i have hurt him deeply and he would never hurt me that way (what he doesn't understand is that being hurt by the truth is so much easier than being hurt by manipulation. i would rather someone tell me the truth and be hurt than put up with the control and manipulation).
was it all in my head?
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 16, 2008 15:26:57 GMT -5
i had a moment of temporary relief today, but it was only tepmorary. it has been over a year since i have mentioned your name to my mom. in the car i asked her if she ever had to tell anyone something really awful about that person. she asked what i meant. i told her that i had told you that you were an emotionally abusive and manipulative person. she said, "ratt? you mean ratt-?" yes. that one. she said she had no idea that i still heard from you. i responded that i did indeed, because you are an emotionally abusive and manipulative person. i told her that i felt terrible for having said it and that i worried that i might have been wrong in saying it at all. she said no, i was not wrong- but that was the end of the conversation.
i feel that i was right in saying what i said- this is not something that has just occured to me- i have realized for a year and a half that you are really this way. i identified it long before my therapist suggested it. my friends told me they felt the same way- after i decided that you were. this is something i realized for myself, it was not planted.
i said it because i loved you and i said it because you hurt me. i am overcome with feelings that if i said nothing at all, things could have been different. i have feelings that if i had been perfect, you would not have treated me this way. when i am more sane, i realize that i am not the only person you have treated this way, it isn't just me.
i have to remind myself that if it could have been changed, we wouldn't be here. i have to remind myself that if you felt safe with me, you would know that i did not say it to be vindictive and hurtful. you would want to address it.
i believe i did the right thing.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 23, 2008 15:31:25 GMT -5
you were truly gifted. you could tell a lie or spin a situation to your advantage with such ease. imagine if you used your talents for good, rather than evil?
when j and i were getting divorced, he told me he "cared" about me and that he hoped we could be friends one day (sound familiar?). i laughed in his faced and said that would never happen- because i wanted to hurt him. i was torn up inside and wanted him to hurt in some way like i did. i never believed that a time would come (twice) where he actually really wanted to be my friend. but, without knowing it, i was right. i could not be his friend, and i feel bad because he needed a friend the two times he came back. however, he exhausted me and wasted me, there was no way i could put myself on the line for him when he treated me so horribly and didn't want my friendship when i handed it to him on a silver platter. while my head was spinning from the divorce, i could clearly see what he was doing at the time. it turns out, i was correct. i predicted the outcome, and i was correct about that as well. in the beginning, you think there will be a personal victory when it is revealed that you are right- but there is absolutely no satisfaction in being right. it is actually heartbreakingly painful.
my heart is broken and you broke it. i was stupid, but you were reckless and negligent. you are an ass for saying that i should not be surprised and should have expected it.
i am going through very familiar motions of comparing what you said vs what you did. from past experience, i know that this is a futile exercise and no reasonable answer exists. i also know that i will tire of that long before i get an answer. it will be such relief when i just don't care anymore.
there is something empty in you. you may have used me and i may never know what was true and what was not true. however, i am certain that there is a void in you that allowed some of this to happen. if it was not me, it would have been someone else (and there briefly were others). i hope you can find that void and fill it with something real and positive and healthy. i hope you can see who you have hurt and how and not repeat those mistakes.
i am confidant that i am right about you. you will fail because you are not dealing. just as j thought he could convince himself that he could WANT to be married or that he could appreciate what he he or be happy with the suffocating emptiness in our life- you are trying to convince yourself of the same. you know it will not work and you think you can make monumental sacrifices and monumental purchases to to salve your wounds. your wounds will fester.
i don't know how long it will take. frankly, i don't want to know. i do not want to hear from your lips that i was right. i want to walk away from this forever with the belief that you are a raging success oozing with sickening happiness and glee.
i am hurt. i am also grieving a loss that was not real. i am so sad for the loss of a delusional fantasy in my head. i am so sad for myself. you were never a real friend to me- what am i missing? a couple good books could fill in for the fantasy life that has died away.
i have to accept responsibility in the way i am hurt, but you also have to accept responsibility in the way you hurt me. you lied to me and wasted my friendship. i was always there for you when you needed a friend. you were not there when i was trapped in a snow storm, you were not there when my car died, you left me behind when i had to go to the ER. you were not there when i bombed an interview that should have been a slam dunk and you were not there to blow out my birthday candles. i was everything you needed and wanted and you were never there for me.
sadly, i am sure i am correct about you. i hope i am wrong. either way, i hope you will be happy.
i will be happy to find someone who will not leave me to go to the ER alone or who will not think it is inconvenient to jump my car when i am stranded. i will be happy to find someone who wants to guess my birthday wish and someone who will at least try to give back what he takes.
so long, my imaginary love.
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Post by lumpy on Mar 23, 2008 16:18:43 GMT -5
i am hurt. i am also grieving a loss that was not real.[b/] i am so sad for the loss of a delusional fantasy in my head. i am so sad for myself. you were never a real friend to me- what am i missing? a couple good books could fill in for the fantasy life that has died away.
I can so relate to that paragraph, particularly the part in bold. I hope in time you'll pass up grieving it. It certainly hurts to see it (him?) for what it (he?) is, but you should be thankful for the clarity. It beats the hell out of the delusion, IMHO. Clinging to the delusion is like feeding a drug habit. Yeah, the withdrawals are a bitch, but once you're past that, your life will be so much better. Trust a former junkie.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 23, 2008 18:06:40 GMT -5
i am hurt. i am also grieving a loss that was not real.[b/] i am so sad for the loss of a delusional fantasy in my head. i am so sad for myself. you were never a real friend to me- what am i missing? a couple good books could fill in for the fantasy life that has died away.
I can so relate to that paragraph, particularly the part in bold. I hope in time you'll pass up grieving it. It certainly hurts to see it (him?) for what it (he?) is, but you should be thankful for the clarity. It beats the hell out of the delusion, IMHO. Clinging to the delusion is like feeding a drug habit. Yeah, the withdrawals are a bitch, but once you're past that, your life will be so much better. Trust a former junkie. you are right, lumpy. i was like a junkie and he was my drug; and the withdrawal is killing me. i know the clarity is the first step, and it is liberating. what i find most difficult, however, is the part where my brain is obsessed with an answer. i also know from experience that it will not matter in time- but it is something i just have to live with until that time comes. seeing him for what he is is painful- but i also have to see myself for what i am, and it ain't pretty.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Mar 25, 2008 20:44:52 GMT -5
two days clean! you almost cracked, but you thought about it. you realized that you were having a bad day because of your selfish boss- lashing out at him is low hanging fruit. you said what you needed to say to him already- you have already said it a hundred times, one more time isn't going to make him suddenly realize what a selfish, arrogant, manipulative, asshole he is.
you have made your point: he hurt you, he is an asshole. move on and get over it. living well is the best revenge, you have demonstrated it with your ex husband, show this one the same.
you are bat shit crazy sometimes, now get yourself sane. let him live his life with abysmal emptiness. file him away with the ex and thank them both for letting you go.
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