i have noticed that my flare-ups now take six days, which is remarkable considering that they were once a daily occurrence. i was on the edge today and exercised remarkable restraint. i didn't do it. i forget what i did to stop the thought, but i am so glad i was successful.
the flare-up is the climax of my anger toward you. in this cycle of break-up/make-up, i go from understanding you to evaluating you/me/us to questioning you/me/us to just hating you. that is when i want to send you hate mail. but, we made a deal: we are done and i will not send you nasty-grams as long as you do not send me love notes.
my conclusion is that you did not love me and you used me. as that is my conclusion, there is no point in telling you that i hate you or that i am mad at you. i would, however, be satisfied with accidentally keying your car.
i hope one day it catches up with you, i hope that one day you hurt like you have hurt me.
tomorrow is one week of no contact. i think you will break it. my goal is six weeks, which happens to be my birthday (a birthday present to myself)- it is our previous record and i will declare myself over the hump after that.
i know you were my soul-mate, which i found to be a laughable concept before meeting you. i also know that your soul-mate is not your destiny.
actually, i think our agreement is bunk. why shouldn't you have to hear that you hurt me? why? i don't even ask that you listen to me. you don't have to face me, you don't have to look at me. you were an obnoxious asshole. i love the way you conveniently forgot how you called me to yell and scream at me about moving on. i love how you told me i would fail and it was a joke. i love how you told me i wasn't worth it. how could you forget that? it was forty minutes of my work day- how did you forget that happened?
but then you disappear on me, and tell me not to email you telling you what a dick you are. whatever. you asked me to remember you kindly and fondly- but what have you left me with to remember you? you said you didn't want to be lumped into the same category with my ex- but who cares? i have a fair view of him now, i just don't want any contact with him. you don't ever want to hear from me again, so why do you care if you are both in my emotional garbage can? you can't have it both ways.
you were reckless and stupid. you were mean and an asshole. you should have to hear it. i will refrain for one reason: it is better that i not reveal my craziness to you and it is better for you to think i closed the door without a second thought.
you will have a miserable life. it will be sad when you lose that house, too. it is a terrible waste because your priorities are in the wrong place. fill your life with luxuries and amenities. continue to drown your pain in things. continue to barely keep your head above water. will it be worse the next time than it was the last time?
i am going to keep my cool because it benefits me most, but you do deserve to hear from me that you hurt me (so many times i have lost count). you should have to hear that you were and asshole.
i'm just so exhausted. i can hardly sleep at night and when i do it is so fitful. when i wake up, i feel so sad, i've forgotten why i am sad and disconnected until i remind myself that it is because you are gone. every morning that i awake is another morning that i will not see you or speak to you. i used to be able to fall asleep next to you or thinking of you with the anticipation that i would see you or speak to you the next day. you were my something to look forward to. now i don't have that and i never realized how powerful it was to me.
i don't know you and i can't relate to you. i miss you. i want this feeling to be gone. i'd like to stop hating myself for what happened.
why did you have to be everything? right now, i cannot appreciate the saying that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i would have preferred to have lived in ignorance than know what i had with you but never actually keeping it. this sucks.
you are so confusing to me. i want all of my tears on this shed and over. you tell me it was my fault, you tell me it was because of something i said, you tell me you changed your mind. you tell me so many things, what is your answer? three weeks ago you wanted me. now you tell me that in two years you have done a lot of changing and that you know you will be happy without me. why did you tell me of your own volition three weeks ago that you loved me and that i was all you need? are you lying on purpose or do you not know the truth?
i went ape shit on you and left your life- it is what you wanted. you said that you wanted me out of your life. i did it. but that wasn't good enough for you- i think you want me in your face. so you call me and ask me if you can send me something. what was your point? it was better when you left it with our anger. your email was either an attempt to cool me down after i had already cooled down to manipulate me or something you had to say because you don't really want me gone. i prefered the anger. i asked you want you wanted and you still said you didn't know. what can i do for you? nothing.
i asked you to let me say what i wanted to say on email. i don't expect a response, i don't even expect you to read it. i fully expect that you would delete it before reading it. that is all i needed- a chance to say that you hurt me and confused the hell out of me- why is it so unacceptable?
i do have a different view of this because that is what you turned it into. of course we have different views on it. if you want to look at it your way, fine. if you want muddled feelings about me and you and everything around you, fine. i see this and myself much differently.
love and hate take the same amount of energy. if i didn't love you, i wouldn't care enough to hate you right now. i should have hated you a long time ago, perhaps i would be in a much healthier place right now. you want me to love you forever without loving me back- i cannot do that. i would love you forever if you loved me back.
you sabotaged my last possible relationship and it is exactly what you wanted. you didn't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, either. i was thinking about you yesterday evening (i think about you all the time) and my phone rang. it was you- calling to apologize. why? you already told me that you wanted me out of your life. you have already told me that you will be perfectly happy with another person- why were you thinking of me last night? don't you know that the sound of your voice makes me cry? i think you did it on purpose, calling me last night was so out of character- you wanted to upset me before i went out. because you are unaware that you are always on my mind, you wanted to be sure to get on my mind before going out.
that phone call was confirmation. i am still on your mind. you do love me and you will not suddenly be happy with someone else. it's ok- you have only ever told me two things explicitly: you want me out of your life and you are happy with someone else. as you have told me that, i will believe you. please stop calling me if you want me out of your life.
remember when you wrote that spot-on email from your POV as me? i asked you if you wanted me to write one from my POV as you and you said no, you were afraid of how i saw you. well, here goes:
everything i said was true at the time that i said it. no, i didn't tell you that those feelings were subject to change on a daily basis or without explanation, but you should have known better. yeah, i guess it might have been nice if i told you most of my feelings are temporary but i have my head up my ass. also, i have been hurt and confused for the last three years, you shouldn't have believed a word i said because i am still behaving badly as a result of what someone else did to me. my excuse is that she hurt me a long time ago and i have been taking advantage of that and you. it is my get-out-of-jail-free card and you need to get off my case because i don't think there is anything wrong with what i did. i had every right to pay her back and you should have realized that i was using you to pay her back. it's not my fault. please stop telling me that you are hurt. do you know how badly i hurt over this? she's always yelling at me!
i know i said i never intended for this to happen. i know i asked to meet you and i asked to continue seeing you. i know i assured you that i was over her, but things change. i WAS over her, until i decided i didn't want to be over her anymore. at the time i said it, it was true, then i changed my mind. get over it. i know, i know, i said i was over her again, but then i changed my mind, again. i know that i said a lot of things at the same time to contradict that, but i am bat shit crazy. don't try to figure it out. plus, i've been hurt and confused for the last three years.
what do you want, a medal? yes, i threw you under the bus in january, but i don't know why you expect a thank you for protecting my interests. it is what you should have done. i wish you had not spoken for yourself and remained a coward like myself, but done is done. just because i lied to you and tricked you does not give you the right to expose me. haven't you been listening? I WAS HURT AND CONFUSED. i should get a free pass. i said i wanted you before, and i expected you to play along. now i want something else, and i fully expect you to play along.
i said a lot of things to manipulate you, you saw right through it and called me on it. you don't have to keep throwing it in my face. you're smarter than i am, i still tell lies with giant holes. if you continue to ask questions, i will continue to give answers that make no sense and you will continue to be confused. the only answer i have is that i was hurt and confused for the last three years.
when you told me that you had met someone last month, i went apeshit. i don't want you, but i sure as hell don't want anyone else to have you. i yelled and screamed at you. i asked you to go to lunch the next day because i wanted to continue to sabotage what you had going and i knew best how to do it. i am a horny douche, so i made out with you in the car for half an hour afterward, but please don't misconstrue that as me having fellings for you. you know i am really indiscriminate and will take what i can get from anyone. besides, i wanted to play you a little while longer before dumping you again.
i used you because i'm good at it and you were an easy target. don't get mad at me because you are dumb.
i chose someone else over you again- don't you get it? you don't add up.
i expected you to always drop everything for me and be there for me. now i expect you to drop off the face of this earth. please get on that.
i don't want to talk to you anymore. however, when i call or email, i expect you to be kind and pleasant and not bring up the past. only i am allow to be hurt and confused. i've been that way for the last three years.
Kudos to you for being able to be so clear and eloquent about it. Im afraid it took me a helluva lot longer than you to make those types of realizations. I have nothing but admiration for you. ((HUG))
thanks, cherry. i wasn't really so eloquent (and i was down-right nasty the last time i spoke to him). i think it has taken much too long to get to this point with him. thanks for your admiration, but i haven't faced half of what you have. you are the one who deserves admiration! hugs right back to you!
it is amazing that i am really part of some cosmic joke in this universe. i've never really believed in coincidences because eerie things have always happened to me. i notice patterns without looking for them. i have strange dreams and thoughts.
how is it that one door closed and another opened four hours apart?
why is it that the wrong door closed and the wrong door opened? who am i to say which one is right and which one is wrong?
i cannot believe that the last words i uttered to you were "fuck off." that's not really the way i wanted it to go down, but every time i left it differently, the door was always open. leaving it kindly left an opportunity for you to rattle my cage, and it was an opportunity you always seized. i know that you were not really good for me, but there is still a part of you i miss.
four hours later, the exhusband came back, after three years. he is such a mess. he wants a second chance. he has a much different view of what happened and how. NOW he thinks it all could have been fixed up with a little therapy and he is sorry that he didn't do that. now i am the prettiest, smartest, funniest, best wife ever and every fault in our marriage was his alone. he thinks if he had listened to me three years ago we would be in a spectacular place now. how the tables turn. i know i wasn't that bad, but i wasn't that great. we were awesome, just not awesome together. he is suffering from revisionist history. my guess is that he is alone and afraid of what his future looks like. my guess is that he is thinking that something is better than nothing. the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know.
i wanted a second chance for so long, but know i cannot go there. if ever i really needed you in particular as a friend it was on the day you told me to drop off the face of this earth, which is the day he came back. i wanted to know how you could go back for a second chance and be happy when i cannot. am i making a mistake? should i do it?
i cannot figure out why i cannot do it. ultimately, i know we would never work even though we were not volatile or combative. we had an affectionate marriage but not a passionate marriage. perhaps if i was broke i would go back. perhaps if i had a dark looking future, i would go back. i wonder if falling in love with you after he divorced me is what holds me back. i think if i did not know you, i could go back. i loved you differently, even if i was nothing to you in the end. i had an emotional, intellectual and physical attraction to you that i have never had in one other person. if marriage ultimately is not about romantic love, should i just go back and spare myself from a life solitude waiting for another trifecta?
the irony is that you said i convinced you to take the second chance with someone else. i know i made that argument for a long time and it brought me to the point where we will never speak again. but, if i convinced you to take a second chance- why can't i do the same?
how do i know if this is my last chance or my best chance?
i know not to consider it because i have so many doubts. i know it would turn out the same way no matter how badly i want a different outcome.
all of this breaks my heart. i thought i could fix you and i could not. i thought you loved me when you did not. my exhusband thinks he loves me when he does not. he is hurting and i am inclined to sacrifice myself to fix him. i sacrificed myself to fix you when you were hurting.
you have broken up with me so many times. the last time and the last straw was a couple months ago when you told me that you wanted me out of your life. that was worse than anything you have ever said to me; i took it to heart and i thought you meant it. you told me that you did not love me and you loved someone else. i cried, i believed you and i think that killed it. how many times can a person be dumped and dumped on by the same person? it finally took.
you are an emotional black hole. you want to be the emotional clean-up man for everyone else, but you shut down like fort knox when it comes to you. you have shut me out because of your grandmother's death and you have shut me down over the pressure over work deadlines and myriad reasons in between. you have given me the silent treatment and you have disappeared on me without explanation.
but then you reappear, and i allow you back in. i allow you to abuse me. after telling me to go away, that you don't love me and that you want me out of your life, you reappear. i pour my heart out to you and you ignore it, but you would lay an egg if i confided in another person. then you tell me that you had no idea that i depended upon you for so much. wtf? do you think i am this way with everyone?
you refuse to listen to me when i tell you that i need more than you can give me or than you will even try to give me. you know the extraordinary pressures i am under right now to deal with other things, i have asked you to keep your distance because this is destroying me and you won't. when i ask you to take a break for us both to sort out our heads and hearts you get mad. i did it in a far kinder way than you have ever done. i simply told you the truth that depending on you emotionally hurts me. i told you that i don't like who i am right now.
what do you even want from me? comic relief? you shut down on me emotionally. i think you know that i depend on you emotionally, that is why you are mad.
we will never be what the other needs. you have a strange need to possess. please don't try to possess me, please let me go. i am not what you need or want.
needing you hurts too much. i don't trust that you won't hurt me.
i think being over it hurts and much as getting over it. your selfishness still stupefies me. you just want your chance. later. i'm sorry, you had your chance.
what about what i want? i want a life other than this and you cannot give it to me. that is a sadness i have to deal with and we both need to accept. you took me for granted for so long and i suppose you took for granted that i would always be that way. i gave you more than you deserved and i gave you more than you gave in return. i'm sorry i was never enough and i am sorry i failed to meet your expectations. i'm sorry that i can no longer wait for you to get your act together while you waste me.
a person can make promises and keep them, you chose not to. i understand that you are incapable of doing it, but i can find a person who can make and keep promises.
my mistake was that i allowed you to treat me so poorly for so long and i don't think there is any way to recover from that or learn new habits.
i wanted to be over you for so long. i can feel that i am on the cusp of it now and it makes me sad. i am still obviously felling something, otherwise you would not be on my mind right now.
i wish you didn't make me feel like i let you down, again. i wish you could see how you let me down.
i have come to terms that we will never speak again, but it makes me sad. i wish i could be different, but i am not.
you were very special and it did break my heart. you are irrreplacable but i know you will be much better off without me.
the hardest thing to tell you was that i don't want you to call me ever again. i'm sorry i had to say that, but i cannot deal with you later, it will hurt too much and i don't want to go there. i wish we could turn back time.
please have a fantastic life, i regret that i won't be a part of it.
i had lunch with my mom yesterday, it was the worst chinese food i have EVER had in my life. you would have made fun of me for going there in the first place, but i figured that even not so great chinese food isn't all that bad- boy was i wrong. my mom made a big deal out of my horoscope on the placemat- it was kind of funny. she asked me if i had read mine, not knowing that i know exactly what it says. she kept saying "see, it says you should marry a rat later in life!" funny, huh? i almost told her that my pet name for you was based upon your chinese placemat sign, but then i realized there was no reason at all to enev bring you up anymore.
the other night i had a dream about you. it was worse than the one where marky mark arrested me for having a messy apartment. in this dream, your pecker fell off. what was odd was that you were neither surprised nor alarmed. you said that you knew that was going to happen and the doctor told you that when it did happen there would be nothing they could do for you. then you wrapped it up in newspaper like a dead fish and threw it away. i need some help- my dreams are seriously messed up.
i wasn't surprised to get your text message on friday morning- i was only surprised that it came a few minutes earlier than i figured. i guess we are both pretty predictable. you have to understand that you walked away from me and gave me up, that means that you cannot keep calling, texting or emailing me. you don't want me in your life, so go live yours and allow me to live mine. i know that you worry that the accident in the traffic report somehow involved em or that crime reports in my area affect me, but you abdicated yourself from my life. if something happens to me, i have friends and family. there is no way that you will suddenly be there for me.
i met someone and i want to pursue it without you sabotaging it. i have asked you kindly to leave me alone, please do that.
do you know why i hate you? you don't fucking listen.
your question about my email was all about your ego, despite what you say. the answer to my question means nothing and changes nothing. i told you why i emailed- it is because i want you to leave me alone, i want you to never pop into my life again. i know you keep tabs on me and i want it to stop. get over it. you dumped me, remember?
you don't know what the future holds? fuck that- the future is in your hands. we are not marionettes on this earth controlled by some unseen being. the future is guided by everything we do everyday of our own free will. it is a chain of events that we largely control.
you felt it was important that i know that you think about me everyday and that you want to be with me? what the fuck am i supposed to do with that information? you fucking dumped me!
there is something i felt was important for you to know, but you won't listen to me. it is important for you to know that i will never trust you or believe you. have your fantasies or fits about what you think you feel about me- it won't matter, because you are an untrustworthy, lying POS.
you don't think you will ever get over me and you feel that you belong with me? OMFGWTF!!!!!!!!! you DUMPED me!!!!!!!!!! you fucking dumped me!
and while i am on it, you didn't just dump me- you did it over and over again, and each time you did it with a sucker punch that trumped the last.
that sounds like a sad life you have ahead of you on auto-pilot thinking about how you belong with me and how you will never be over me. maybe you should have thought about that one of the 57 times you dumped me.
please don't tell me that the lack of closure is by design on your part. it is actually because you are a lazy, selfish coward. you cannot face me and you will not face me. i am not important enough to make an hour's time for. it is not what you want. you think it will allow you to return to my life. fuck you. perhaps if you acted like a man and faced me and listened to me and had a fucking conversation with me like a human being, i would have different feelings about you and the future. you have told me that you are not culpable for my feelings and that i should have expected it. fuck you. you are partially right- how many times could i let you take advantage of me and use me before i started taking full responsibility for the end result?
i said things today that totally exposed me- and it does not change a thing. i said things that you would not respond to but all answer your egotistical question- but you had to ask to stroke your ego.
it doesn't matter what i feel about you- i will never trust you. i will never believe you.
i think you may be pathological, which means that what i once loved was not real. you are and actor and a phony. worse still, you are driven by your ego.
your reaction to me doing well for the last 5 weeks with you absent from my life is a joke. moping because i am excellent and you are out of my life? FUCK YOU!!!! get over yourself! i miss the fantasy you, i don't miss the other shit. i don't miss my $300 phone bill and i don't miss my inferiority complex. i don't miss feeling like shit. i don't miss throwing my emotions into the black hole that is you. i don't miss being chastized and i don't miss being hung-up on. i don't miss yout hypocrisy and i don't miss your selfishness. i no longer depend upon a person who is never there for me but expects quite a bit from me.
i didn't bring up the past to make you feel like shit- i did it to show you that i handle myself differently. i didn't dump you for someone else- that was you. i didn't go on a work outing and fuck a co-worker- that was you. after said outing, you didn't realize what a fucked up mistake that was, you DID IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!! yep, that was you. i didn't tell you that i loved you and shack up with someone else.
you cannot tell what the future holds? it does not hold a place for you and me.
i loved what we once had- i don't like what we became. i really don't like what you became.
i know your secrets. remember, snooping leads to things you don't what to know. keep your tabs on me. live your sad life thinking you belong with me and will never get over me. you are sad and you suck.
you make me laugh sometimes! how would you know if my exhusband loved me? how dare you say he didn't love me? you know how i know that he loved me in the best way he could? he let me go. he realized that he could not give me what i needed and when he made that realization, he set me free. he cared enough to let me go. he wanted me to have an opportunity to find what i needed.
in all of my life, i have never started a sentence with "if you really loved/ cared for me..." except with you. that shows an imbalance of power, lack of respect and absolute lack of love or care. if you loved me, you would want what is best for me and you would know that this is not best for me. if you loved me, you would let me go. if you loved me, your desire for me to achieve happiness and fulfillment would exceed your selfish desire to reserve. the very fact that those sentiments must be expressed with "if you love me" shows that you do not love me.
my sick mind feels that i have failed you, but i know that i did not. thank you for your concern about the slippery roads, but you still use that to manipulate me. you use it as an opportunity remind me of your existence. it impedes my ability to move on and that is exactly what you want. you said you were just trying to be a good friend- you don't know what it means to be a good friend.
if you loved me you would have shown me. i'm not mad or angry- that is where you are mistaken. i'm so happy for your future, too bad you think that is insincere melodrama.
j made a decision i never could have made and now i am making a decision you cannot make. i deserve more and i will not apologize for needing and wanting more than you have given me or shown me. i know i will continue to feel that i have disappointed you and and given you short shrift. i love myself more than you could love me and i will show myself what i am worth.