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Post by jules on Apr 17, 2008 2:25:35 GMT -5
"...divorce doesn't carry the same stigma and shame that it once did. People get divorced these days with no humiliation at all, and that's wrong."
Says the twenty-something, unmarried, know-it-all girl attending the conference with me.
I think I'll wear a scarlet D on my chest to tomorrow's meetings, just for her.
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Post by crushy on Apr 17, 2008 3:55:47 GMT -5
I think you should take a scarlet 'C' for her to wear tomorrow for 'Clueless'. I used to feel like a failure and ashamed to be divorced, but now it's almost like a badge of honor for me. It tells people I don't need a man to take care of me, I am on my own w/ my 2 sons and made a pretty good life for us. Sorry you had to listen to such an ignorant person. Times like that, I just have to remind myself it's easy for them to judge since they have not been through it. You're doing great. Hang in there... Crushy
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Post by freckles on Apr 17, 2008 10:34:48 GMT -5
Divorce is Evil I wish I could have said to my Wife * No Alcohol/Drugs ! Ever ! And She would have had to listen to me, and not do those things because I was her husband But, No She did not have to do or hear anything I said So She sits alone in Her Apartment DrunkDrugged all the time until She dies of the effects of that or they haul her to a Nursing home and they Drug her so she sits there drooling all day Instead of being a Sober Christian Wife , She is a Divorced Drunkerd/Pot Head Husbands dont have the Power that they used to
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Post by redskyatnight on Apr 17, 2008 10:52:37 GMT -5
I met someone last night who had the same belief. I wanted to ask, "Well, why are you in a bar full of 30 and 40 year old single people?"
It is a shame the divorce is as rampant as it is, but it also means that we don't have to put up with untolerable behavior, like affairs and just grin and bear it.
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Post by JimB on Apr 17, 2008 11:28:53 GMT -5
Oh goody! I love the "come up with a response to the idiot after the fact" threads. ;D
My response to this idiot: "Well, thank god you're carrying the humiliation torch for our lenient society - you can feel good about that, anyway."
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Post by Phoenixx on Apr 17, 2008 14:37:59 GMT -5
You should have punched her in the head.
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Post by gdgross on Apr 18, 2008 11:11:39 GMT -5
First of all, her statement isn't even true. I sure had a lot of shame and humiliation when I consented to a divorce.
the thing that bugs me about her statement, is that it has this underlying assumption that people just get divorced willy-nilly. In reality, no one gets married thinking that if it doesn't work out, they can just get a divorce. I'm sure there are a few to whom it's no big deal, but for most of us it divorce is/was a huge admission of failure.
Certainly she is insensitive and ignorant about reality. But, pre-D, weren't we all so ignorant? I certainly was. Sometimes you don't understand something until you have experienced it.
BUT, I do agree with her sentiment, however, that divorce is too often seen as an option when times get hard. I think in general we ought to work on our marriages more and get divorced less. Some of us are religious here. I am sometimes, and I think there's a reason that God said "I hate divorce."
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Post by jules on Apr 18, 2008 11:38:57 GMT -5
gdgross, your response is particularly interesting because this girl made this comment very much as a part of her Christian faith. (It was a conference for our evangelical Christian line of books. Most of the people there were Christian, and talk of faith is quite common.) I thought it was quite ironic and rather presumptuous to make such a judgemental statement, particularly in a group of 30+ people, many of whose background you do not know.
I admit to being ignorant pre-D, and having incorrect assumptions about divorce.
One big lesson I did learn is that while it takes two to get married, it really only takes one to get divorced. I would have never chosen divorce as an option. However that choice wasn't mine alone to make, and effectually, that choice was taken away from me.
I do not feel shame or humiliated. I know in my heart I did the best I could. Though there were times I was plenty pissed off at God, ironically it made my faith stronger in a way. But last time I went into that on these boards things just got ugly, so I'll stay away from that subject.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Apr 18, 2008 15:20:45 GMT -5
this is so interesting to me for many reasons. first, i felt plenty of shame and humiliation for being divorced (or having the divorce handed to me). i went through my feelings that god must not love me because i was getting divorced- now i think it must have been a gift to have been released from something that was not allowing me to thrive and grow in a positive direction.
like crushy, it is almost like a badge of honor to have been divorced and come out better, smarter, and stronger. i almost feel obnoxious that i have learned so many things about myself, others and life that i otherwise would not have learned. i wonder if others will also have the opportunity to become self-aware. if i remarry, i think i would prefer a man who has been divorced over a man who has never been married.
the shame is that people open their mouths before thinking. however, you must always consider the source!
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Post by gdgross on Apr 18, 2008 16:46:51 GMT -5
gdgross, your response is particularly interesting because this girl made this comment very much as a part of her Christian faith. (It was a conference for our evangelical Christian line of books. Most of the people there were Christian, and talk of faith is quite common.) I thought it was quite ironic and rather presumptuous to make such a judgemental statement, particularly in a group of 30+ people, many of whose background you do not know. I admit to being ignorant pre-D, and having incorrect assumptions about divorce. One big lesson I did learn is that while it takes two to get married, it really only takes one to get divorced. I would have never chosen divorce as an option. However that choice wasn't mine alone to make, and effectually, that choice was taken away from me. I do not feel shame or humiliated. I know in my heart I did the best I could. Though there were times I was plenty pissed off at God, ironically it made my faith stronger in a way. But last time I went into that on these boards things just got ugly, so I'll stay away from that subject. I don't feel shame or humiliation anymore. But when I was in the thick of it I sure did. I felt like a failure and (wrongly) took the lion's share of the blame on myself. I'm interested to hear your story, though. I'm also a Christian, and went through an intense period of questioning and anger and disbelief in God as well. And you are right, it takes two to get married, but sometimes it only takes one to divorce.
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Post by kittenhart on Apr 18, 2008 16:47:38 GMT -5
I think divorce still carries the shame and stigma that it did before....I know I feel pretty awful about my failed marriage and feel pretty humiliated about it. She is just young and has no idea or empathy.....I know what you mean though, about it being hard to take when you hear those kinds of comments. I probably would have just looked her square in the eye, and said...."Yes, I know I'm a failure.....my marriage failed....and try as I did I could not make it work. Shit happens. So if you're done passing judgement on me, can we get back to the task at hand? Thanks. - insert saccarine sweet smile here-"
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