Post by finding on Jan 22, 2008 1:28:35 GMT -5
It's been a year since the last time I saw you. I didn't realize it until I went to bed and my mind started racing. I haven't thought about that night in a long time, and I haven't dealt with the aftermath of it. B is just finally getting to the point were he isn't angry with you everytime your name is mentioned. I don't think you would have ever realized how badly you scared him.
So many things have happened this year, most of them bad. I am now trying to look at the good. I graduated and started my master's program. I know you wouldn't care about that, you blamed all of our problems on me going to school and hated the fact I found something I was good at. I'm proud of accomplishing that though, in spite of everything that happened along the way. I try to think about the kids and how much joy they have brought me during this past year instead of all the bad.
I still miss Oregon and hope to get back there one day. My moments of peace were there, and so are my happy places. Seeing B at the beach and crashing through the waves and Oakridge were when I have been at my happiest.
My nights anymore are spent dreaming of you. Most of it isn't pleasant, it's like watching home movies of our life together. Things that I had forgotten about come out when I am asleep. I don't wake up angry or hurt anymore for the most part, just questions about why you did certain things and why I choose to stick around for as long as I did. I guess it is my way of purging it all out of my system.
I know you never loved me. I was a prize, the trophy wife for you. You always hated when I said that, but it never changed the fact it was true. The kids and I just got in your way.
I'm working on letting go of the past and forgiveness. It isn't always easy. I know that I truely can't be happy unless I let go of all the hurt and resentment caused by you, my brother, and my parents. I can't make it past everything and be who I am supposed to be until I let it go. For once in my life I want lasting peace, not just the snippets I have gotten here and there. You couldn't give me anything else in your life, can you please give me that?
So many things have happened this year, most of them bad. I am now trying to look at the good. I graduated and started my master's program. I know you wouldn't care about that, you blamed all of our problems on me going to school and hated the fact I found something I was good at. I'm proud of accomplishing that though, in spite of everything that happened along the way. I try to think about the kids and how much joy they have brought me during this past year instead of all the bad.
I still miss Oregon and hope to get back there one day. My moments of peace were there, and so are my happy places. Seeing B at the beach and crashing through the waves and Oakridge were when I have been at my happiest.
My nights anymore are spent dreaming of you. Most of it isn't pleasant, it's like watching home movies of our life together. Things that I had forgotten about come out when I am asleep. I don't wake up angry or hurt anymore for the most part, just questions about why you did certain things and why I choose to stick around for as long as I did. I guess it is my way of purging it all out of my system.
I know you never loved me. I was a prize, the trophy wife for you. You always hated when I said that, but it never changed the fact it was true. The kids and I just got in your way.
I'm working on letting go of the past and forgiveness. It isn't always easy. I know that I truely can't be happy unless I let go of all the hurt and resentment caused by you, my brother, and my parents. I can't make it past everything and be who I am supposed to be until I let it go. For once in my life I want lasting peace, not just the snippets I have gotten here and there. You couldn't give me anything else in your life, can you please give me that?