Post by Phoenixx on Apr 22, 2008 18:09:18 GMT -5
For some reason I went back to Ojar and read all the letters I wrote to you on my Unsent Letters Thread. I cant believe the pain in those words.I can't believe that. I read it and I want to cry for that woman, that confused bewildered person who walked around, only held together by her skin. I was dead. Literally. I think back to those times and think "oh, I was so hurt" but only reminders like that show me how bad. How each day was literally dark. How I woke and didn't want to move. How I could have died, a thousand times a thousand.
I think back to the loving woman I was, the person I displayed to you. How I gave you so much of my energy, and without much emotion (because there is always some) I wonder what I did to hurt like that. Yes, I made my mistakes. But I did not deserve that confusion, that absolute slap in the face.
I realise this is not something you can change. But it also reminds me how I have not forgiven you. How I push those emotions of hurt and anger down because I dont want to examine that I might never forgive you. A part of me still hopes we end up together, and if I dont forgive you, how do we rebuild, or start again? Sometimes, logically, I think back and I cannot believe your actions. I cannot believe you could be so selfish and callous. Literally, how? Why? I want to cry for the woman I was, that loving person that got beat down and now cannot trust because she is so goddamned frightened of being hurt like that. I'd rather give up love than feel that again.
That's why I dont trust you. That's why I dont want to share myself with you again. You were everything to me, and you yanked that away. And when you were ready you decided to come back. And so what, when you're ready you'll leave again? I'd rather not, thanks.
I dont think you could ever hurt me like that again, because I dont think I want to let you that far in again. And the sad thing is, you dont even see. You dont even see what you have lost, because you think I will always be there. A part of me wants to tell you, scream at you. Cry and rant and rave so you see what you put me through. Scream, "how F*CKING DARE YOU come back now?!!"
But whats the point. Im tired. I'm just glad for the progress I've made. For knowing I can wake up and not feeling like I want to die. For being happy. For the peace God granted me.
Rollercoaster is still spinning, but I'm okay.
I think back to the loving woman I was, the person I displayed to you. How I gave you so much of my energy, and without much emotion (because there is always some) I wonder what I did to hurt like that. Yes, I made my mistakes. But I did not deserve that confusion, that absolute slap in the face.
I realise this is not something you can change. But it also reminds me how I have not forgiven you. How I push those emotions of hurt and anger down because I dont want to examine that I might never forgive you. A part of me still hopes we end up together, and if I dont forgive you, how do we rebuild, or start again? Sometimes, logically, I think back and I cannot believe your actions. I cannot believe you could be so selfish and callous. Literally, how? Why? I want to cry for the woman I was, that loving person that got beat down and now cannot trust because she is so goddamned frightened of being hurt like that. I'd rather give up love than feel that again.
That's why I dont trust you. That's why I dont want to share myself with you again. You were everything to me, and you yanked that away. And when you were ready you decided to come back. And so what, when you're ready you'll leave again? I'd rather not, thanks.
I dont think you could ever hurt me like that again, because I dont think I want to let you that far in again. And the sad thing is, you dont even see. You dont even see what you have lost, because you think I will always be there. A part of me wants to tell you, scream at you. Cry and rant and rave so you see what you put me through. Scream, "how F*CKING DARE YOU come back now?!!"
But whats the point. Im tired. I'm just glad for the progress I've made. For knowing I can wake up and not feeling like I want to die. For being happy. For the peace God granted me.
Rollercoaster is still spinning, but I'm okay.