Well, that lasted long didn't it? I wake up, see one thing that reminds me of you and I am involved in an almost full-blown panic attack. God, what is wrong with me? I take one step forward and jump back a mile it seems. Cant even write coherenlty right now.
S - i'm gonna try and not let you affect me anymore. I'm too good for this.I gave you a lot (if not all) of me, and I deserve someone who loves me back, if not the same way, at least wants me. This year has shown me how much growing I can do, how much love I can give myself. So hey, despite the missing you, despite the feelings, I'm doing ok. I'm doing ok. And thats just fine with me.
I wish I didnt dream about you. I wish I didnt love you still. I wish I didnt miss you. I wish I didnt wake up crying. I wish I could be better at visualising a life without you. I wish I didnt go to sleep thinking of you and wake thinking of you. I hate this all, and I cant stand the fact that I miss you and that you dont seem to care at all.
Oh Phoenixx, so sorry you're feeling down. It will pass, quicker every time - you know it. Sometimes the dark days can feel very dark indeed I know but have hope. You will keep taking steps forward and the dark days will happen less and less. You deserve love, love that lasts. We all do. Chin up honey. Xx
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
What do you want for your life Phoenixx? Is he truly who you want by your side till the end of time?
Categorically YES. I want him to be there forever. That doesnt negate the fact that i've grown a lot this year, and had a lot of fun on my own and been very happy. But - despite it all, he makes me happy. What can I say? I can only be truthful with myself. And I am done lying to him.
RO - thank you. You more than anyone know what I've gone through and have been there with me every step of the way. Thank you...