Unsent expression

[sheyd]

You will.

[Phoenixx]

Yes. I think you are right. I feel better today. I have control of my emotions again, and I have spent some time out of the house, working and going out. It's working. I am so tired I have no time to think of him. Also, someone (a Goddess floating around on hugthat as well ) has given me a huge boost by offering something completely priceless, a way to focus on my future and have things to look forward to.

I am tyring to learn to leave things to God, to let go and focus on the moment, on me. I cannot believe so strongly in Him and not believe there is a reason, a plan for everything.

Thank you Sheyd...

[Phoenixx]

I dreamt about you last night. I dreamt I was getting married. Your family was there, and for once your sister didnt have any catty remarks. Even your mother was nice. Your father was his usual gentlemanly self. I didn't see you though. Maybe that should have given me a clue, but I felt so happy, so excited. I was getting my hair done and I laughed all the way through the dream.

I didn't even remember this until I was walking to the tube station. I dont know what I feel right now. I'm so excited about the chances I've been given that Im not spending too much time being sad about you. I miss you, the same amount as always, but you know where I am (well, for now.) I don't think I'll be here when you get back. Will what I feel for you and what you say you feel for me get lost in between our travels that are taking us to different sides of the world? I dont know. Maybe.

[Phoenixx]

a purging

Me: I miss you

You: I miss you too, but at the moment I don't care enought to call/write/email/send a pigeon/smoke signal/indian war cry or anything else. I am only concerned with my own mental well being, and not speaking to you worked really well for me last time so I thought I'd try it again.

Me: I love you

You: I love you too, but since I was so afraid you would leave me to live your own life because of the age gap, I first tried to break up with you, and then decided to leave first. I realise you are not my ex and have proven that time and time again by encouraging me many, many times and even letting me live my life by breaking your own heart (even finding me this job I am so enjoying thats taken me thousands of miles away from you, us and our plans) but I will still continue to punish you by behaving as if you will pressure me. Never mind the fact that it has been a year almost (20days from now it will be) that I first left, and never mind the fact that i came back and you didn't give me an iota of hassle about the way I treated you for the first six months. I was surprised when we met on our anniversary in march and after my explanations you only said "ok". But I will still punish you because I am afraid to love you again like I did.

Me: What's gonna happen with us?

You: I dont know but I dont care enough about you or your life to give you a definitive answer. I tell you things like "i dont know" because I know that gives you a little hope. As much as I feel for you, I dont want to say "yes we will be together I just have to do this for a while" eventhough I know you would understand as someone who loves to travel and is well-rounded enough to carry on with her life while recognising she belongs with someone. And I know that hope you have is my door that will always stay ajar so I can always come and knock on it and you will open it because you have a huge heart full of love for me. I recognise the fact that once that door closes it is closed for ever, I saw how you cut M out of your life and I know you would do it to me if I ever display that I may very well not come back so I hint and drop statements that tell you this limbo will be over soon, just so I can keep you hanging around.

Me: What should I do?

You: Really you should wait for me, DO NOT date anyone else because I am terribly jealous although I will mask it with supposed concern over your well being although it is highly unlikely that the next guy will treat you like this, but you have shown me that I can do whatever I want and still get away with it. I get the fact that you are an educated, intelligent woman but for some reason you have a soft spot for me. I am probably not coming back, and if I ever do I wont be coming back to, because right now I am having far too much fun with any and every woman, as the pictures will display once I get back and post them on facebook for the world to see, including the friends we share who set us up in the first place.
Me: I have to continue with my life.

You: yes I know, but remember the fact that I will always find a way to contact you, that these friends we share will happily give up your number, because although we met them seperately they were MY friends first and although we can maybe drop out of eachother's lives you will have to do it by never calling your friends again. And you are not willing to do that, are you? Maybe a part of you wants to know that you will always have access to me, but as much as I say things that seem to speak of my love for you, remember my first and only concern is myself and I will do whatever it takes to make myself happy and if that includes not speaking to you for months at a time and then dropping back in because i am back in england and it is convinient to speak to you, then i damn sure will.

You: Yes I care for you, but right now fact of the matter is that it does not matter enough. I dont give a shit/iota/pigs bottom how you feel for me because I am determined to do everything I didnt. I dont know how to have a relationship where I am encouraged to do my own thing and although I understand that is exactly what you do and what you give me, I am afraid that if I let my guard down just a little you will pounce on me and turn me back into that frightened man you first met 3.5years ago. I understand that you would never do this, that unlike my ex you have a life, full and filled with future plans that do not include me, but I dont care.

Me: So what about our plans?

You:Well, what can I say? I dont know if I ever want to get married, I just said that because...well I dont know and I wont explain it to you either. Get of my damn case, I told you I am going to do what I am going to do, but as long as I know you are waiting around for me, I will always throw you the occasional bone so that you keep the hope alive in your heart, the hope of those many many whispered conversations of our lives together, of our children and of everything else we promised to eachother.

[redskyatnight]

Phoenixx: See ya loser.

[Phoenixx]

LMAO!!

Thank you Sey...I needed that laugh today.

[Phoenixx]

So..its been a month. I miss you, but no more than I do usually. Its odd, because although I wrote the previous piece, I am not angry at you. I dont think about you too much. Im focused on getting through this next year and living my life afterwards.

I dont know if you are thinking of me. You pop up in my mind from time to time, but I think its changing. Im feeling nostalgic about it, like a version that happened to someone else. I am conditioned now, to not think of you as my future anymore. Its a shame, because I dont think you see how each moment passes, and I slip further away from you. I know we reconciled - birefly - before you went off on another contract, but I am ready to stop waiting. And I have been.

I've been on a few dates. I didnt particularly enjoy them, but thats because they werent very stimulating. It wasnt because of you. Is anything because of you? Yes, my growth, my belief in myself, my confidence. One thing I can say for you is you never held me back, for that I am grateful.

The reality Im living is so very different from what I envisioned. I knew we'd be apart for a while, that at one point one of us would leave. But somehow - naively - i thought our love would be strong enough. So far I still feel the same, but that doesnt mean I will put up with the same shit. Just because I still love you, doesnt mean I am accepting your shit.

You havent emailed. And I am ok with that. Surprisingly, I do not spend every night crying, I do not spend all day thinking of our next meeting. Hah, I wont even be in the country (with a little luck) something you dont even know.

Im rambling. Anyway. Just thought I'd let you know. Your hold is fading, though my feelings do not.

See you next lifetime maybe?

[RO]

his loss, phoenixx.

his regret. not yours.

less than a year... you are at the pivotal point of your dreams. a crossroads. time is going to fly by and it is filled with many happy adventures...

see you soon

[Phoenixx]

Once again, I am left holding onto nothing, less than the whisper of a dream that disintegrates even as my fingers desperately grasp the smoke you left behind. I hate the fact that I think of you, even as my phone rings and I am asked for dates. I hate the fact that someone who seems to have everything going for her wants someone who is so obviously messed up.

Why me? Why am I the one so stupid? I don't understand why I can't let go, for once, why I cannot give up the hope.

It's not even your fault, since I knew this would happen. You would leave, and once again pretend I do not exist. Simple, so simple for you.

I love you, it seems, more than I love my sanity or my well-being, because surely, surely I should have given up hope by now. Surely I should be at the stage where I am ready to let go, where I SHOULD have let go. In a week it will be a year since you took your first contract. I have only seen you five times in that year. Five times, for someone who is supposed to love me to the devastating depths you say you do, five times was enough. Maybe it is my short-comings that cannot understand, maybe I am the one in the wrong. All I know is that time passes, I feel the same and I just cannot let go. And I just get hurt. Again, and again.

I am still waiting in vain, for you to recognise, to see me - or for me to finally get the hint and LET GO.

I wish I could let go.

[Phoenixx]

Its been a long damn time. I wasn't even sure if I could come back here, read these words and the tears behind each letter - and write you another.

A few weeks ago it hit a year since you left. In that time I saw you...what? Maybe five times? We spent a week together?

Anyway. I have very little energy left for you. I think of you still, every damn day, a thousand times a day. I miss you, just as much as I usually do. But - I have made myself a promise. Its way over the top to behave like that, but i've recognised its the only way I can actually get over you.

I dont want to keep doing this. Thinking of you while I am stuck here. i also dont want to join you there, not that you would ask me. At least I dont think so. I really have to do my own thing. I need a break from my life, and that includes you.

im so tired. Im so tired of thinking of you. I really wish I could forget you, but maybe thats not to be just yet. Its okay though - I am finally gonna get there. Just a little longer left, and I can leave it all behind. Leave you behind.

I just dont think its worth it anymore.

[kittenhart]

Sept 9, 2008 18:16:26 GMT -5 Phoenixx said:

I just dont think its worth it anymore.

>light bulb<

I was thinking this myself the other day.
It's been a long time coming...that one painfully formulated thought.

[Phoenixx]

Yes...a long time coming indeed, KH.

[Phoenixx]

one day i will be able to let go, think about you without missing you, or not think about you at all. i dont think youremembered today. last year i got a "happy mid-anni" text message, but nothing today. i didnt expect anything so i dont feel down at all. i dont know what i feel. do i miss you?or do i miss the feeling of loving you?or has it been that long that i am just used to it now?is the feeling really going, or am i just WANTING it to go?and if it is going then why do i still think of you most of every day? Will I ever forget you? Perhaps not, but to perhaps spend a day not thinking about you would be good. I dont feel sad about you, or me, or us, anymore. Or our dreams. Infact, I easily and without (much) pain think about sharing my life with someone else (or no one else, I dont mind being alone). I have even come to terms with never seeing you again. Or maybe I am just so used to this, that it has now become normal.

I dont know what I feel. Maybe that is the scariest thing of all. When I knew for certain that I loved you, it was better. Then I could at least say that. Now if I could at least say, "I dont love you" that would be good. Instead, I am not living in fear of seeing something, hearing something that has anything to do with you - and my heart giving that sickening, dizzying lurch that tells me, "yes, its still there."

Well. Another day passes unmarked.

[Phoenixx]

You forgot my birthday.

[Phoenixx]

I heard your name everywhere today. It was like an epidemic. Progress still that I just notice it, and do not feel sad.

I'm ok.