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Post by kittenhart on May 9, 2008 15:42:40 GMT -5
We broke up because I want children and after years of making me wait because he"wasn't ready" he informed me last summer (after we renoed our house and he let me decorate a nursery) that he "didn't think he'd ever be ready" and he"didn't think he could ever be the person want hime to be".....so long story shortened (cause there were other reasons too but they weren't so much dealbreakers)....I left. So no, Freckles, I don't think we could ever reconcile because ultimately we don't want the same things from life, and I can't get past how he could lie about that to me for so many years....(no bitterness ).
It is better this way. I know it is. I just have to get him to let the junk mail thing go......enough.
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Post by freckles on May 9, 2008 15:49:14 GMT -5
We broke up because I want children and after years of making me wait because he"wasn't ready" he informed me last summer (after we renoed our house and he let me decorate a nursery) that he "didn't think he'd ever be ready" and he"didn't think he could ever be the person want hime to be".....so long story shortened (cause there were other reasons too but they weren't so much dealbreakers)....I left. So no, Freckles, I don't think we could ever reconcile because ultimately we don't want the same things from life, and I can't get past how he could lie about that to me for so many years....(no bitterness ).
It is better this way. I know it is. I just have to get him to let the junk mail thing go......enough.I wish you would come to Texas
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Post by kittenhart on May 9, 2008 20:09:14 GMT -5
Freckles, you need a nice "tame Christian girl"....believe me when I say that description doesn't match me ;D
But thanks for being supportive....I know how you feel, and your ex-wife sounds like a piece of work, dude. Get caller id and stay strong.
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Post by Phyxius on May 9, 2008 22:20:16 GMT -5
We broke up because I want children and after years of making me wait because he"wasn't ready" he informed me last summer (after we renoed our house and he let me decorate a nursery) that he "didn't think he'd ever be ready" and he"didn't think he could ever be the person want hime to be".....so long story shortened (cause there were other reasons too but they weren't so much dealbreakers)....I left. So no, Freckles, I don't think we could ever reconcile because ultimately we don't want the same things from life, and I can't get past how he could lie about that to me for so many years....(no bitterness ).
It is better this way. I know it is. I just have to get him to let the junk mail thing go......enough.See, I don't get that one. I have two children with my ex-wife. My son is 12, daughter is 9. I was "fixed" right after my daughter was born. My current GF is 32 and wants at least one child down the road. I don't really see it as a dealbreaker. If I decide to go in for the long haul, I would have no problem with a reversal and doing it all over again. In for a penny, in for a pound, you know? What a yutz... Sorry, but that's how I see it...
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Post by jules on May 9, 2008 23:34:38 GMT -5
it's not that difficult to understand, phyx. some men want to have children. others want to be children. forever. (my ex did the same thing re: kids. of course that was just the tip of the iceburg in my case...)
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Post by crushy on May 10, 2008 3:09:14 GMT -5
We broke up because I want children and after years of making me wait because he"wasn't ready" he informed me last summer (after we renoed our house and he let me decorate a nursery) that he "didn't think he'd ever be ready" and he"didn't think he could ever be the person want hime to be".....so long story shortened (cause there were other reasons too but they weren't so much dealbreakers)....I left. So no, Freckles, I don't think we could ever reconcile because ultimately we don't want the same things from life, and I can't get past how he could lie about that to me for so many years....(no bitterness ).
It is better this way. I know it is. I just have to get him to let the junk mail thing go......enough.See, I don't get that one. I have two children with my ex-wife. My son is 12, daughter is 9. I was "fixed" right after my daughter was born. My current GF is 32 and wants at least one child down the road. I don't really see it as a dealbreaker. If I decide to go in for the long haul, I would have no problem with a reversal and doing it all over again. In for a penny, in for a pound, you know? What a yutz... Sorry, but that's how I see it... Aaw, Phyx, you are definite long-term material. I admire you being willing to compromise and see things from your girl's point of view.
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Post by kittenhart on May 10, 2008 23:01:26 GMT -5
some men want to have children. others want to be children. forever. I call my ex "Peter Pan" (in my mind) because he never wants to grow up....I always had to be the "grown up" one, the one in the relationship who looked after everything and got things done.....and he'd mostly just wait for me to do things, and pout, and complain about how I never let him "have fun like I used to"....but he also had a huge sense of entitlement. yeah...it's funny how when you get older and buy a house and have bills and responsibilities, how you don't seem to have as much time for "fun"....it's called being a grown-up, asshole....he was the one who would do random things like quit his job without telling me, and leave me to look after the fall out. I also think he didn't want to have children because then he'd have to share my attention and he was very used to being the center of the freaking universe.....and yes, I know, it was my fault that I allowed him to be the center of my universe, I know I enabled it, and I shouldn't have - but it happened slowly.... Now 10+ years have gone by and I realize now that he was getting everything he wanted, and I was giving up everything I wanted....and that's not fair and not ultimately sustainable. The resentment was eating me alive. I used to be a spirited, fun person....I realize now that if I ever marry again it will have to be to someone who wants to be an equal partner, and someone who will look after me sometimes ( not always the other way around), and someone who can share attention and realize that love isn't lessened when it's divided.... That's the great truth about love, though, that some people will never understand....it's not lessened by being shared. ...and I'm sure you know, Phyx, that having more children won't decrease the love you have available for your current children.... that's not how it works.
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Post by Phyxius on May 10, 2008 23:18:41 GMT -5
I do know... Funny thing is, when I was in my teens and early twenties, I vehemently didn't want children. Now, I couldn't imagine life without the two little heathens (we call 'em Mayhem and Chaos), and the idea of having another doesn't really scare me. Weird how that works out, isn't it?
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Post by jules on May 11, 2008 19:01:10 GMT -5
yeah...it's funny how when you get older and buy a house and have bills and responsibilities, how you don't seem to have as much time for "fun"....it's called being a grown-up, asshole....he was the one who would do random things like quit his job without telling me, and leave me to look after the fall out. I also think he didn't want to have children because then he'd have to share my attention and he was very used to being the center of the freaking universe.....and yes, I know, it was my fault that I allowed him to be the center of my universe, I know I enabled it, and I shouldn't have - but it happened slowly.... Now 10+ years have gone by and I realize now that he was getting everything he wanted, and I was giving up everything I wanted....and that's not fair and not ultimately sustainable. The resentment was eating me alive. I used to be a spirited, fun person....I realize now that if I ever marry again it will have to be to someone who wants to be an equal partner, and someone who will look after me sometimes ( not always the other way around), and someone who can share attention and realize that love isn't lessened when it's divided.... omg, that sounds familiar. i, too, was an enabler. i thought loving someone meant making life easy for them. i made it too easy. i was a fool. only i know that the whole marriage thing is not for me. the more i learn about men and relationships in general, the more certain i become about this. i don't see the point in investing myself into something that is just about always ultimately temporary. sorry if that's a bit too dark, but that's how i'm feeling these days.
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Post by freckles on May 11, 2008 19:18:12 GMT -5
yeah...it's funny how when you get older and buy a house and have bills and responsibilities, how you don't seem to have as much time for "fun"....it's called being a grown-up, asshole....he was the one who would do random things like quit his job without telling me, and leave me to look after the fall out. I also think he didn't want to have children because then he'd have to share my attention and he was very used to being the center of the freaking universe.....and yes, I know, it was my fault that I allowed him to be the center of my universe, I know I enabled it, and I shouldn't have - but it happened slowly.... Now 10+ years have gone by and I realize now that he was getting everything he wanted, and I was giving up everything I wanted....and that's not fair and not ultimately sustainable. The resentment was eating me alive. I used to be a spirited, fun person....I realize now that if I ever marry again it will have to be to someone who wants to be an equal partner, and someone who will look after me sometimes ( not always the other way around), and someone who can share attention and realize that love isn't lessened when it's divided.... omg, that sounds familiar. i, too, was an enabler. i thought loving someone meant making life easy for them. i made it too easy. i was a fool. only i know that the whole marriage thing is not for me. the more i learn about men and relationships in general, the more certain i become about this. i don't see the point in investing myself into something that is just about always ultimately temporary. sorry if that's a bit too dark, but that's how i'm feeling these days. It's all about having Old Fason Values & Honor Where a Persons Word means something. Love is what you do Not, what a Person feels at any given moment. Most People dont/cant understand that. There are Men out there that are like that - Who mean what they say. Who know that Love is what you do , not what you feel at any given moment. I am like that
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Post by rocko on May 12, 2008 8:50:28 GMT -5
Hi, my name is Shanna, and I am an enabler. I did the same thing. He did work and make the money, but other than that...nothing. I did EVERYTHING else. HE couldn't even help mow the yard or watch the kids so that I could mow it. When I left he was 23 and I had to teach him how to write a check so he could pay his bills.
He just found another mommy (that is what I was really) to take care of him. Fine by me...I want a partner not a big fruckin' baby.
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Post by RO on May 12, 2008 11:41:32 GMT -5
i don't see the point in investing myself into something that is just about always ultimately temporary.sorry if that's a bit too dark, but that's how i'm feeling these days. since our conversation...this is the only thing running through my head.
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Post by kittenhart on May 12, 2008 12:47:00 GMT -5
Jules and RO, I think that is what hurts the most, in hindsite, is feeling that you were never considered a permanent part of his life worth keeping....that you were basically used until weren't so useful anymore, and then discarded.....and I know that EVERYTHING in the world is transitory and changing, but it doesn't help your self-esteem at all to feel so easily replaced. He just found another mommy (that is what I was really) to take care of him. Fine by me...I want a partner not a big fruckin' baby. This is what my ex is in the process of doing....and I will be okay with it, eventually. My neighbour used to joke with me, "Why do you want kids? You already have a big one to look after?".....but it's not so funny after awhile. Funny how what first attracted me to him was his boyish charm....that would freakin' make me head for the hills now...total red flag....but I'm an idiot who thought he would grow up (we were both early 20's when we met) and we would change together
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Post by rocko on May 12, 2008 12:58:25 GMT -5
I totally relate. Of course, I did have kids with him and he was immeasurably jealous of the children.
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Post by kittenhart on May 13, 2008 0:36:16 GMT -5
yes, I know it was probably for the best that we didn't have kids...the jealously would have been just one more thing to deal with. I know that deep down.
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