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Post by jules on May 13, 2008 9:50:33 GMT -5
khart, the similarities are starting to freak me out... Jules and RO, I think that is what hurts the most, in hindsite, is feeling that you were never considered a permanent part of his life worth keeping....that you were basically used until weren't so useful anymore, and then discarded.....and I know that EVERYTHING in the world is transitory and changing, but it doesn't help your self-esteem at all to feel so easily replaced. um, YES. hello basis of my current and future trust issues. He just found another mommy (that is what I was really) to take care of him. Fine by me...I want a partner not a big fruckin' baby. This is what my ex is in the process of doing....and I will be okay with it, eventually. My neighbour used to joke with me, "Why do you want kids? You already have a big one to look after?".....but it's not so funny after awhile. YES. and his new "mommy" has way more money than i ever did -- probably because she didn't need to support a guy throughout her twenties and put him through school, but instead had her husband (who she left) help her start her own business. so maybe she'll be "nicer" about blowing money on his every whim, essentially on her ex-husband's dime. Funny how what first attracted me to him was his boyish charm....that would freakin' make me head for the hills now...total red flag....but I'm an idiot who thought he would grow up (we were both early 20's when we met) and we would change together YES. oh my gosh, YES. i also liked that he wasn't materialistic, didn't buy into the traditional macho man role, loved children, and prioritized family. the irony is overwhelming.
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Post by jules on May 13, 2008 9:53:09 GMT -5
i don't see the point in investing myself into something that is just about always ultimately temporary.sorry if that's a bit too dark, but that's how i'm feeling these days. since our conversation...this is the only thing running through my head. sorry... but you should know better than to listen to me. i'm a cynic while you're remaining optimistic.
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Post by sheyd on May 13, 2008 11:27:38 GMT -5
only i know that the whole marriage thing is not for me. the more i learn about men and relationships in general, the more certain i become about this. i don't see the point in investing myself into something that is just about always ultimately temporary. LIFE is temporary - but if you didn't invest in it, you would ruin what little time you do have. Marriage may not last, a relationship may not last, that is true. However, when you look back over your life, over the people you have known, you remember some good times, right? Many of the people are no longer your friends, but those good times DO remain. There will be pain, too - and some of that pain is when the relationship ends. But that is part of truly being alive. So - accept that things ARE temporary, and invest all your energy and love and sunny self into it, because you don't have long, in life. The more you put in, the more you get out. The more you invest in a relationship (especially with your head, not just your emotions) the more chance it WILL succeed - especially if you don't settle for someone who is not willing to put the same 110% in. If you aren't willing to put in the effort yourself, take the risk, let people "in" - the less chance you have of REAL friends, REAL relationships, and true companions through life. You will be less worthy of the person who IS willing to give that 110% - even knowing it might (or even probably) will fail. The time you have together is precious, don't lose it to fears. Shey
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Post by jules on May 13, 2008 12:50:20 GMT -5
shey, you mention that the good memories remain. in fact every good memory i had with my relationship with my ex is now ruined, and instead a more painful memory than the bad times at the end. so, no, the good times do not remain. they just become tainted eventually.
while i agree with you theoretically, i choose to be honest with myself and anyone else about what i'm not capable of giving. will i ever be capable of it? i honestly don't know. but at this point in my life, definitely not. and if that means not letting people in, well it's better for them than to have to deal with someone so damaged and distrustful.
i have a friend who is determined to teach me how to trust again. i told him good luck with that. i've no intention of completely letting down my guard again. that's just an invitation to be hurt all over again.
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Post by RO on May 13, 2008 12:55:15 GMT -5
Hey, I still do not believe you are a cynic and I will keep listening to you because you challenge me and I enjoy our conversations. Besides...we both need the laughs that our conversations bring us to on a regular basis. Khart & Jules...the similarities of our situations shock the hell out of me. For some reason, it will not let me quote...I know you have a male friend determined to see that you trust again and I know why you choose not to at this time. All are valid points...but I do hope at some point...you heal enough to realize that there still are good people in the world... YOU are one of them, jules. omg DRINK!!!!!!!!!!! Well, wait til you get home...
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B52
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by B52 on May 13, 2008 13:02:42 GMT -5
((hugs))
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Post by kittenhart on May 13, 2008 18:17:30 GMT -5
Khart & Jules...the similarities of our situations shock the hell out of me...... omg DRINK!!!!!!!!!!! Well, wait til you get home... I'm taking the gin out of the freezer now.....one olive or two? I can't say that I'm really into trusting people whole-heartedly these days....but I'd like to think that I will be able to again....someday...(I got no advice for you, Jules).
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Post by gdgross on May 13, 2008 18:48:56 GMT -5
omg, that sounds familiar. i, too, was an enabler. i thought loving someone meant making life easy for them. i made it too easy. i was a fool. only i know that the whole marriage thing is not for me. the more i learn about men and relationships in general, the more certain i become about this. i don't see the point in investing myself into something that is just about always ultimately temporary. sorry if that's a bit too dark, but that's how i'm feeling these days. Jules, that makes me sad. If marriage ain't for you, it ain't for you and I guess that's that. But that your entire feelings on marriage are tainted by your ex really saddens me. I was disposable to my ex, too. When things weren't easy anymore, she bailed. (In retrospect, I'm surprised that things were relatively easy for so long - four years!) Many of us know ho much that sucks. I don't really know what to say except to express my sorrow. I guess for me, I still believe that marriage is a good thing. And it's what I ultimately want (again). That my ex was a fair-weather wife sucked, but I don't think it has spoiled my view of it, just derailed my plans. I realize that there are other women out there who are not my ex.
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Post by RO on May 13, 2008 19:59:25 GMT -5
I still believe in marriage. I still believe that there are others out there that do. When I look around I see signs of long lasting marriage all around me. My parents inspire me that love, commitment, and communication really do triumph...their lives have never ventured an easy road...they constantly face obstacle after obstacle but have always faced them together. They share more love and affection for one another after 43 years than I remember growing up. They have always been the type of couple that hold hands and are not afraid to hug and kiss in front of others. At times, I found it disgusting growing up but now I find it endearing. Trusting people is hard especially when you have been burned and/or betrayed so deeply...but trust does come again...perhaps not easily but it does come again. There are no words that can make you change your mind. I think only time, reflection, growth, and action can change your mind on the subject. Someday, I believe you will meet someone that will share the same ideals that you do and be able to live up to the responsibility of those challenges that relationships require. I hope that you do not shut yourself off from that...you have too much to offer. Oh, and Khart...2 olives...please.
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Post by jules on May 14, 2008 0:32:46 GMT -5
sorry, khart, i didn't mean to hijack your thread. make my martinis pomegranate, please. (hey, the antioxidants are healthy!) i'll bring the vodka.
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Post by kittenhart on May 14, 2008 0:50:45 GMT -5
shaken or stirred, hun? Sorry to hear that things have been sucky and busy for you lately at work....I'm sure that only contributes to the pessimism....I've got no advice for you...because my judgement on relationship matters is obviously flawed and thus suspended until further notice....(at least you have a man friend who isn't gay...I don't). I wish I could endorse jumping back in to relationships joyfully and without reserve......but........ I. am. too. scared. Ah well, not like the fellas are beating down my door, what with this brace and all....the body-cast-look is hawt I tell ya
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Post by jules on May 14, 2008 0:59:15 GMT -5
i've always been more comfortable being one of the boys than a girly-girl. unfortunately this means that i hear waaaaay too much uncensored stuff about the male point of view sometimes. brace or not, you're still a hottie. and shaken, please!
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Post by RO on May 14, 2008 8:31:16 GMT -5
i've always been more comfortable being one of the boys than a girly-girl. brace or not, you're still a hottie. and shaken, please! So agree with those two points... Jules, you can use that to your advantage and I know you will get and are getting lots of practice... Khart-you are a total hottie...maybe it is time for another walk today . Trusting people is hard because you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable... Hope you both enjoyed the martinis...I know I did.
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Post by kittenhart on May 15, 2008 17:39:57 GMT -5
Khart-you are a total hottie...maybe it is time for another walk today . thanks hun...I did go out for a another walk....but didn't run into anyone....sigh.... ;D PS. How many times can you "run into someone" before it it turns into stalking, and just gets annoying?
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Post by RO on May 15, 2008 19:39:54 GMT -5
Khart-you are a total hottie...maybe it is time for another walk today . thanks hun...I did go out for a another walk....but didn't run into anyone....sigh.... ;D PS. How many times can you "run into someone" before it it turns into stalking, and just gets annoying? imho...walking is good for the "eyes" and i say keep on taking your "walks"...
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