Instead of calling...

[ionysis]

Fraid I haven't stayed the course Jim. We still see each other and speak every day again. I fell off the wagon very rapidly. It was so very much worse not speaking to him - much, much worse.

The last month has been up and down but things are slowly getting better. We are very gradually becoming friends as I'm beginning to be able to let go of the residual bitterness and resentment and accepting the relationship for what it is. He is slowly relaxing (his psych doubling his anti-anxiety meds helped a lot!).

My big problem is when I drink, it clouds everything and means I'm not in control of myself. I get over-emotional. I choose to look at all the negatives and dwell on the things which hurt me. Its not good for me. I'm susceptible to depression when I'm tired or have been drinking (even a little). I should know better but I still slip up.

Its mostly because of my ADHD - I get disorganised and life starts slipping towards chaos and procrastination. I take the "ostrich approach" to life which means giving up any attempt to impulse control - that means staying up late, spending too much, eating badly, going out late and often and working very little. This inevitably ends up with me becoming emotionally destablised and sobbing on R's door step needing a cuddle - after which I can pick myself up again and get back on an even keel. 3 steps forward 2 steps back. Sigh.

But I'm getting there. MOSTLY I'm in control now, especially now I've started taking my Straterra religiously again. Once I get back on the diet and exercise I'll start the upward momentum. It's just so hard. Daily meditation is supposed to help as well but I find it very difficult to keep my mind still or focussed. But practise makes perfect they say...

I've got to try to take things slow and steady and not give up, I have to be disciplined, keep writing my lists, get to bed early, drink less (or not at all), excercise more and keep taking my supplements, pills and potions. I cannot wait for the day when I get back to feeling on top of things again. Of course it'll all slide again but that feeling of being in balance is good and I have to keep working at sustaining it.

If I can't do it on my own then I will find it extremely hard in a relationship and probably impossible if I ever have children to look after as well as a husband and a demanding job. Of course I hope that my husband will be able to provide me with emotional support when I need it. A big hug and someone to stroke your hair and kiss it better goes a LONG way to helping me stay on track when I'm beating myself up about doing things wrong or when I'm tried and depressed. Just being held quietly for a while can make the difference between a weekend of no productivity full of a horrible lowness to feeling bright and positive and capable enough to get up and face things that need to be done. That's why despite the pain I still feel sometimes he really is a stabilising influence overall. and the more he sees me getting better the easier it is to be around each other. We help each other limp along towards becoming less wounded people but it is such a long road.

Funnily enough he is on a business trip for 2 weeks then I go on holiday for 2 weeks so we won't see ecah other for a good while. But we speak and sms. I'm doing OK so far - he's been gone 2 days.

He starts counselling while I'm away. I will start too when I get back - a proper psychotherapist who speacialises in both ADHD (me) and GAD (him) rather than just a marriage counsellor with no clinical knowledge or understanding of the underlying biochemistry. We will go separately and also together to try to bottom out why things turned out the way they did. Not necessarily with a view to getting back with each other but to help understand both our issues and how they interrelate.

In the meantime I'm still trying to keep on keeping on. Head above water and all that. I'll get there in the end.

[sheyd]

You will get there... in your own time, own way.

I AM sorry you fell off the wagon, I think this is definitely the slower way, with more overall pain in the end, but you do have to do it your own way, that you are able to do. Hopefully if you can stay on course enough with the other self-care, the addiction will ease too.

Do you have anyone who can help you stay sober and who can ask after you so you have to "answer to" them if you don't sleep, etc.? Other than him? Sometimes partners in healthy habits help. I find my partners in unhealthy habits make it so much harder, having no partner makes me lazy - but with someone who asks after me or does things with me really helps.

[ionysis]

That is actually a really good idea Shey. R is the only person I am truly motivated to answer to - oddly enough I WANT to get better for his sake as much as my own. Understandably he prefers being around me when my life is under my control. I can be a nightmare to him when it isn't and that isn't fair on him as it makes his anxiety worse (that is half the story of our relationship!). Luckily he understands me very, very well and deals with me well mostly.


Trying to discuss my emotions / thoughts with non-ADD people is extremely difficult and often frustrating. Fortunately one of my best friends out here also has ADD (without the H!). We get together regularly to compare progress. We also encourage and help each other by emailing useful articles as we come across them, discussing techniques for managing the disorder and referring helpful books we have read. This is really good. However we also do have a tendancy to occasionally be complicit in each others backsliding. Generally though Malcolm is second only to Richard in helping keep me on an even keel and understanding how my brain works.

My uncle has just been diagnosed too and its been good exchanging thoughts with him and my aunt and is helping her understand their marital problems. I think once he starts medication and learns more about it he will also be a great support (and hopefully I may be to him too).

[sheyd]

One of my best friends has ADHD too. His mom works with learning disabilities, so she has helped him be creative in ways of coping. Mostly, he knows his own limits (and lets people know when his patience has worn thin.)

For healthy habits, though, it is often better to be with someone who DOESN'T understand COMPLETELY - because they can challenge your thought patterns instead of accepting them, know what I mean? We all use excuses, and accept others' excuses more when they are the ones we make ourselves (so we don't feel so bad about ourselves)... Like, I am a person who is always late. I accept the "reasons for being late" excuses really easily. That same ADHD friend is NEVER late (well, maybe once, but he had a good reason) and he gets pretty uptight about the schedule sometimes. I tend to be on time for him, because he doesn't accept my excuses. With a friend who is always late herself, I am often later than I would be with other people. So maybe a non ADHD person who won't accept your excuses but still cares enough to accept and understand to the best of their ability? You don't have to HAVE ADD or ADHD to understand what it does to a person, but you don't want someone to let you off the hook just because you have it, and someone who is also having to deal with the effects may want to do that.

[ionysis]

I am happy to accept my thought patterns being challenged by a qualified psychiatrist or someone else who has extensive experience with ADHD but it would irritate me to talk in any depth to someone who couldn't understand where I was coming from. That is why I don't discuss it with my friends. They have no understanding of ADHD at all and I don't want to have to explain everything about it from start to finish. I do my best with them and they take me for who I am (even if some of them do think I'm a loon!).

Often the worst way to get a person with ADD to try to improve their behaviour is to be less than tolerant. Like most people with ADD I've spent most of my life with everyone telling me "just do it" or saying "WHY can't you be more reliable / remember your keys / be on time / get yourself organised" etc. Mostly that is because they CAN just "pull their socks up". It doesn't work that way for me and people putting pressure on me has totally the opposite effect.

It is important to me to be able to speak with people who understand that if I am late or forget their birthday or don't return a phone call it isn't because I am more selfish or thoughtless than everyone else, it is because it is ten times harder for me than for others. Sometimes no matter how much I try I cannot make myself do things. I remember I have to do it, I know I have to, but it's like a compulsion - I just cannot make myself make the phone call or collect the dry cleaning or post that letter or whatever. I just can't.

The effort of will it takes sometimes just to write a simple thank you note is tremendous and the feeing of guilt when I know I have to do it but keep putting it off is awful. You feel like a bad person, like you are always letting people down. It is the same right now - I have to get my friend a birthday present. I know I have to, I even know what I'm going to get her but I'm 2 weeks late with it now and it has become an impossibility. I dodge her calls. I make excuses not to see her. But I CANNOT make myself go out and buy the damn present.

Sometime this week when I've had a good night's sleep or I've finally managed to give myself a good slap and beat my brain into compliance I'll feel like I can face another list. That day will be a whirlwind of productivity which will start an upward spiral and I'll buy the present and take it over. If I'm feeling really strong-minded I might even go to the gym, then that little building block will start a foundation and I'll go shopping and buy healthy food, then I might get a few things done at work etc. etc. Sometimes the run may last over a month. But it never lasts. I will slide back again and start over. But I do keep starting over.

Having ADHD isn't an excuse for having a disordered life but it is not merely a mind over matter situation - the actual WAY the brain works is different - it is a chemical imbalance which can't just be thought away. The only thing which makes the brain chemistry like that or a "normal" person is meds - ideally combined with excercise and the right diet and supplements which encourage the production of dopamine, norpinephrine and noradrenalin in the brain. I haven't got my meds right yet so I'm not on top of things. I am trying but it is hard.

What I am saying is that those "strategies for getting your life organised" that work for other people don't necessarily work for me so someone who doesn't have ADD or who doesn't know about it can't advise me on how to best cope with it. That is why it is so important to see a professional and / or talk to support groups - i.e. others with the disorder. My psychiatrist has it and so does his son. That doesn't mean he "excuses" any of my behaviours which may be self-detrimental or percieved as inconsiderate to others but he does understand how best to help me change them.

There ARE no excuses, I just am what I am. There is no point in someone saying to me "don't surf the net at work" or "go to bed on time" or "leave fifteen minutes earlier" or "do some exercise" because if it was that easy I'd be doing it. What other peope can do is tell me that dinner is at 7 when it is at 7.30 - I ask my friends to do that. They can monitor me at work so I'm too scared to surf - I told IT to do so. Work can keep me busy and under pressure so my brain is stimuated and I work to my optimal capacity - as I said to my boss when he hired me. Someone can take me to bed with them at 10pm - as I'd ask my boyfriend to do if I had one.

It is just different. The coping mechanisms are different - it isn't about will power, or reminders it is about putting structures in your life which OBLIGE you do do what you have to do and what you know is good for you. Like for me I have to agree to meet someone at the gym or have a personal trainer who MAKES me go. I am UNABLE to make myself do the right things but I can make others or make situations force me to until such a routine or set of habits is in place that I can gradually reduce those strictures.

And the more of those routines I can get others to impose on me the more controlled I get and the easier everything beomes until I can actually do it myself. Just as in my relationship with R, although I cannot make myself stop being with him, I put arrangements in place which limit how often I m able to see him. He doesn't allow us to be physically close which inhibits the addiction of my desire for him and stops everything from spiralling off into cloud cuckoo land. The meds I take enable me to control my emotions much better and cut out the worst of the highs and lows I get from being around him which means I think with my brain most of the time rather than my hormones.

I'll never be exactly like everyone else but I am functional. I'm also lucky that I'm logical and intelligent as it has enabled me to develop innovative ways of coping and also ways of making it SEEM like I'm organised and reliable even though I'm often also percieved as eccentric.

This is a very long winded way of saying that I get what you mean and I see the principle but the way I need to develop healthy habits isn't what would work for most people!

[sheyd]

Its funny, my friend with ADHD is ULTRA organized - he has to be. He schedules things, needs specific times, is early to things - for exactly the reasons you mentioned. He HAS to get things done- and he schedules himself a workload that would drive most people batty. He is the MOST productive and prolific scientific writer I know, along with doing heavy research, and it is because he is working on several projects at the same time to keep his brain busy, organized, interested. He also sleeps less than most people, and has to work out a lot. It works for him, he is a pretty self-satisfied guy.

As for that buy a present thing - I don't have ADHD, and I do EXACTLY the same thing. I am a procrastinator in the extreme, along with the guilt and avoidance and everything. I sometimes get SICK because I feel so bad about something I procrastinated on. I too want someone to just take my hand and MAKE me do it. Harry isn't good at that, though - he gives me more excuses instead. (Are we going to watch that movie I rented?) I have learned to be better on my own - but I still do it all the time. The sleep thing too. I don't drink, but a lot of your other behaviors sound like me. "Just do it" always irritates me, because it feels impossible to do. I have stopped myself, though - because it isn't impossible - I HAVE managed it before... and eventually that IS what I have to do - just do it... however slowly and draggingly. We'll get there... one way or another.