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Anger
May 12, 2008 9:32:14 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on May 12, 2008 9:32:14 GMT -5
I am an anger-stuffer. Although it can motivate you to make a change, unleashing anger (even at the place that causes it) usually just makes your situation worse. It places the other person/people/group on the defensive, and doesn't make it very easy to compromise or work together. Solving the problem is usually the best way to release anger, too - and having the other half of the problem cooperate with you helps release it too.
However, what I am finding, is when the situation takes too long to resolve, or when there isn't an expression of the issue (which I have been working on - making sure I SAY when I am angry - in as calm a way as possible) or when I don't feel like the other side is putting in as much effort (which may be an unfair assumption on my part) it gets worse inside.
There is one issue that I have been hoping to have resolved for some time now. I spent some time working on my own patience (I have very little). I spent some time working on not taking things so negatively. I spent some time trying to change my perceptions, particularly self-perceptions. I spent some time working on being blunt but hopeful. The issue HAS been better. The other side of the equation HAS made progress, but I am finding MYSELF losing ground.
The anger is getting control of me. The positives affect me for a far shorter time. I have LESS patience with the negatives than when I started! and I am ANGRY. If things don't go my way, I can control it for awhile, keep smiling and acting positive, but inside I start to just BOIL. In the end I blow up and make it so much worse for myself.
I know a ton of tricks for self-control, for positive expression, for releasing anger - but I have used them, until I feel like I have used them up. Many of you know lots of details of things that make me angry - I don't want to get into specifics, I just want suggestions for dealing with anger in a healthy way - or a book I can read, or something. I may not respond great when you give me the suggestions, because when someone suggests things I have already tried, it reminds me of the frustration... I TRIED that already! But it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the suggestion! I really really do! And it never hurts to keep trying things I already tried. I want to turn around my negative attitude and release this anger. So please, anyone - suggestions?
Shey
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Anger
May 12, 2008 9:44:11 GMT -5
Post by freckles on May 12, 2008 9:44:11 GMT -5
I am an anger-stuffer. Although it can motivate you to make a change, unleashing anger (even at the place that causes it) usually just makes your situation worse. It places the other person/people/group on the defensive, and doesn't make it very easy to compromise or work together. Solving the problem is usually the best way to release anger, too - and having the other half of the problem cooperate with you helps release it too. However, what I am finding, is when the situation takes too long to resolve, or when there isn't an expression of the issue (which I have been working on - making sure I SAY when I am angry - in as calm a way as possible) or when I don't feel like the other side is putting in as much effort (which may be an unfair assumption on my part) it gets worse inside. There is one issue that I have been hoping to have resolved for some time now. I spent some time working on my own patience (I have very little). I spent some time working on not taking things so negatively. I spent some time trying to change my perceptions, particularly self-perceptions. I spent some time working on being blunt but hopeful. The issue HAS been better. The other side of the equation HAS made progress, but I am finding MYSELF losing ground. The anger is getting control of me. The positives affect me for a far shorter time. I have LESS patience with the negatives than when I started! and I am ANGRY. If things don't go my way, I can control it for awhile, keep smiling and acting positive, but inside I start to just BOIL. In the end I blow up and make it so much worse for myself. I know a ton of tricks for self-control, for positive expression, for releasing anger - but I have used them, until I feel like I have used them up. Many of you know lots of details of things that make me angry - I don't want to get into specifics, I just want suggestions for dealing with anger in a healthy way - or a book I can read, or something. I may not respond great when you give me the suggestions, because when someone suggests things I have already tried, it reminds me of the frustration... I TRIED that already! But it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the suggestion! I really really do! And it never hurts to keep trying things I already tried. I want to turn around my negative attitude and release this anger. So please, anyone - suggestions? Shey It would help if you give examples and the main things that are making you Mad Sometimes Anger is Justified Example: Your Spouse gets Drunk and Attacks You Then you would have a right to be Angery Sometimes Anger is Not Justified Example: You have a Flat Tire (The Tire has Air until it gets a nail, Anger is Not going to Fix it) Examples can help P.S. There is A Copy Shop I no longer go to beacuse the owner gets Angery and Throws Anger Fits at his workers Worker says this Battery will not fit in that Computer. Owner almost starts rolling on the floor like he has rabies Spiting and cussing, He was so Mad I thought he would Bite the worker I hope you are not like that
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Anger
May 12, 2008 9:50:27 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on May 12, 2008 9:50:27 GMT -5
No - I am not like that.
But even if the anger is justified, ACTING angry doesn't make it better. Not that you shouldn't have consequences (like if my spouse attacked me, they go to jail - PERIOD) but being sarcastic and bitter doesn't make them act better... in fact it might and probably WILL make them worse.
Any suggestions?
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JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
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Anger
May 12, 2008 9:58:11 GMT -5
Post by JC on May 12, 2008 9:58:11 GMT -5
i dont have any suggestions for ya babe.. other than to say, anger is an emotion, and it is not healthy to supress any emotions...
i am a pretty angry person most of the time... but most of the time, i keep it tucked away, until something or someone pisses me off enough to let it out.. sometimes, the person who gets it deserves it (fuck you janet!) and sometimes, that poor soul didnt deserve a damn thing and were at the wrong place at the wrong time.
for me to deal with my anger in a possitive way, whatever made me angry has to change... to deal with something on a normal basis that made me angry.... i couldnt do that. there would have to be REAL change involved for me to even consider it.
and btw i found all the cd's this weekend... perhaps i can mail them so Harry can have his set before he leaves?
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Anger
May 12, 2008 10:06:10 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on May 12, 2008 10:06:10 GMT -5
That would be awesome! Doubt he will listen to them, but I can at least try, eh?
If I find some good way of releasing anger well - I'll let you know, ok? lol! Sounds like we might be in the same boat. My boat is sinking fast.
Shey
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Anger
May 12, 2008 11:16:00 GMT -5
Post by JimB on May 12, 2008 11:16:00 GMT -5
But even if the anger is justified, ACTING angry doesn't make it better. I disagree - sometimes it does. I believe people who won't express their anger with me (or even around me) are, in a way, telling me they don't trust me. The message I receive from such people is that I'm not worthy of seeing them in their rawest, least controlled state. That's fine in most cases - I don't want to see that side of total strangers or casual acquaintances. But I fully expect those I'm close to to feel comfortable expressing themselves without reservations around me. I kind of equate people who never seem to get angry with people who think they have to be "nice" all the time. That is to say, I don't entirely trust them. Just as no one can be nice all the time, no one can avoid losing their temper from time to time. So if you're around me a lot and you never get mad, I think you're hiding something from me, and that bugs me. Of course, everyone's fuse is a little different length, but nobody's is endless. Shey, not to pick on you, but I think this illustrates a misconception you may have about anger. Your anger belongs to you. There may be an external trigger, which could take the form of another person or an inanimate object. There may be consequences to the means by which you express your anger. But the emotion of anger is completely separate from its triggers and its consequences. When you allow fear of consequences of bad behavior to get mixed up with expression of anger, you're setting yourself up for serious cognitive dissonance. If I can ask, how long has it been since you truly lost your temper? And what happened then? I still have some holes in my walls to patch from my last loss of control, and most people would consider me to be a pretty mild-mannered guy. I also pulled a muscle in my upper back from throwing things, which took about a month to heal (I'm not as young as I usedta be). But I wasn't ashamed of my outburst. I expressed some things I needed to express, and my internal barometer stopped me short of doing anything truly abusive, except to myself. I think it also benefited my partner, for two reasons: one, she got a clear indication of how strongly I felt about the matter at hand, and two, she now knows where my fuse ends. I think we're stronger for it. Some may turn up their noses at such expressions, but so be it. Can't please everybody. My point is this: you can't rationalize anger. If you truly lose your temper, you're likely to do some inappropriate things, of which sarcasm and bitterness are two (fairly tame) examples. But anger is an emotion that allows the ugly parts of our personas to surface - in that sense, it's very useful. The way others react to your anger is nearly always going to be more about them than it is about you, and you can learn a lot about people that way. If you feel uncomfortable with, or even ashamed of, the things that surface when you're angry, that is about you. Ultimately, I believe any relationship in which real anger is in any way taboo is unlikely to succeed. I fully expect my partner to be able to tolerate - nay, accept - the worst of me, because otherwise she's not going to appreciate the best of me. I'm respectful of my partner, but I don't compromise on matters of personal expression. All actions have consequences, including the ones you don't take. Holding back (for me, at least) is always more damaging than letting loose. Anger can have consequences, but apology and atonement are high quality mortar for the foundation of a relationship, too.
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Anger
May 12, 2008 12:14:15 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on May 12, 2008 12:14:15 GMT -5
The last time I TRULY lost my temper I slammed Harry's guitar case against the wall repeatedly (sorry Alex), did a little primal screaming, and punched a pillow. But I did it alone. Then I told about it, a lot later. I do lose my temper, I wrote a hostile IM this morning which is what started this thread... but I think when the other person gets so defensive, or worse, internalizes my criticism as an action-stopping self-bad type of thing, it actually makes my intended progress stop, rather than move faster... So yeah, maybe I don't trust that people can handle it, but the truth is I haven't ever seen people handle other people's outbursts of anger well. I have had them... and they may even do short progress sometimes, but long-term they seem to slow me down.
But Jim - I will be sure to be angry around you next time! ;D (That is, as soon as you give me something to be angry ABOUT!)
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Anger
May 12, 2008 12:28:42 GMT -5
Post by freckles on May 12, 2008 12:28:42 GMT -5
Have you seen that Star Trek episode where the Organins sit around Smiling Showing no emotion but Smiling They looked Werd Being Happy and Mad and Sad and everytthing else is OK Being Hostle/Mean is not
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Anger
May 12, 2008 12:54:37 GMT -5
Post by JimB on May 12, 2008 12:54:37 GMT -5
So in reality, it's not about anger - it's about fear of others' reactions to your anger. Right?
Here is where one of your strengths - your compassion and sensitivity - works against you. It doesn't matter how you express anger - SOMEONE is likely to disapprove, or be offended or hurt. I tend to believe that given all the ways you've tried to channel your anger, perhaps it's simply time to let go. Give yourself complete license to be angry in whatever way you choose, while trusting that you'll stop short of anything abusive. Accept that angry behavior has consequences, but understand that other people's reactions to your anger are no one's concern but theirs. And dealing with the consequences may be unpleasant, but no more unpleasant than your current state of steady simmer, yes?
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Anger
May 12, 2008 13:08:38 GMT -5
Post by kittenhart on May 12, 2008 13:08:38 GMT -5
If things don't go my way, I can control it for awhile, keep smiling and acting positive, but inside I start to just BOIL. In the end I blow up and make it so much worse for myself. I just want suggestions for dealing with anger in a healthy way - or a book I can read, or something. a book you can read? To be less angry? No offense Shey, but at least for me, I don't find verbalizing and attaching words to repressed frustration to be helpful at all....I find it makes it worse ( for me anyhow)......I am a very auditory person though (and I think most people are alot more visual than I am) so sometimes, I can get lulled out of my anger but someone's tone of voice....but it's not so much the words cause I don't even usually really hear the words or remember them....it's more the lilt of their voice, they could just be repeating something over and over. 1. I find crying very helpful to release anger, but you have to be alone so you can actually be kinda hysterical without freaking anyone out/having people's opinion of you nosedive. 2. I started playing the drums when I was 11....best freaking thing I ever did for my mental health.....I have silencers on them now because I live in a condo, so it's not as cathartic but it still helps. 3. Kickboxing one of those hanging bag things? I have often thought about trying it myself.....but I'm not a jock at all and I'm short ....but I am toying with the idea of getting one and putting it up in the basement just to beat the shit out of something. I'm just not sure if it would keep working for me long term though, as it's a relatively quiet activity....you're kicking and punching something padded.
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Anger
May 12, 2008 15:25:38 GMT -5
Post by Phyxius on May 12, 2008 15:25:38 GMT -5
The company I work for keeps one of those full-length punching bags in the workout room. I've been known to use it from time to time...
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Anger
May 12, 2008 16:50:39 GMT -5
Post by Phoenixx on May 12, 2008 16:50:39 GMT -5
I have a big temper, which is funny because it actually takes a huge amount for me to lose it. But when I do, my oh my. I realise I can be difficult to deal with, which is why I take space. That's the best thing that works for me. Don't talk to the person that makes me angry for a few days and try and calm down. Then tell them why and how I got angry and ask if they can do this, or that, etc.
But it depends whether the other person wants to work with you. You being mad will go away when someone works with you. If they don't, what can you do? Your anger will continue to flare, even if you remove yourself from the situation, because when you come back to it, the same stuff will be there.
My ex would shut down. Since I am an extremely verbal person, I like to talk things out. This caused a lot of unneccesary madness, I wanted to talk, he couldn't express himself, I would talk at him, he'd feel badgered, I would feel ignored since he wasn't joining in with the conversation. Madness. Things only changed when we worked out we both express ourselves with writing so we resolved our anger by writing emails. Maybe you should find something like that? A common ground where you both express without the intense emotion of the anger clouding what you want?
I dont know how much that helped, but maybe a compromise goes a long way.
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Anger
May 12, 2008 21:49:55 GMT -5
Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on May 12, 2008 21:49:55 GMT -5
Anger in my view is just an outward burst of frustration that has built from your own fears or insecurities. Jim may have already stated this but I kinda went fast forward and started this reply when I got the thought in my head. Many times throughout these past four years i have thought I have felt nothing but rage and anger towards my ex. As I have come through the years I have learned that the anger was nothing more than my inability to handle the situation in a calm fashion or for that matter ignoring something that had very little impact on me at all. Calmness is what you should try to understand.. not anger. For with the understanding of calm you will no longer have the anger to tame. Look at situations, break them down into what real impact they will have on your future, look at what your options would be.. smashing a guitar case leads you to nothing but a outlay of cash for a new one. It has not settled the issue, only given you something else to stress about. Break each little piece off of the thing that you think is causing you anger, look at it in its own light and solve that small fragment. This coming from a guy who has punched many a walls in my life.. did it give me that sudden feeling of release.. sure.. but the only solution that came from it was still having and thinking about the same problem with a sore hand.
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Anger
May 13, 2008 12:09:04 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on May 13, 2008 12:09:04 GMT -5
Ok... from Jim I get that I need to express my anger - and I think sometimes I don't do it enough - maybe not the wall slamming thing, but definitely saying "I am really angry" might help the other party understand that I am serious. I have been working on doing that, lately, and it DOES help, some. It doesn't get rid of the anger, but it makes the issues HAVE to be dealt with RIGHT NOW, which does help a bit.
I am not very active/sporty person either, and honestly, physical acting out doesn't make me feel better. Not sure the punching bag would work - maybe taking walks, though...
Phoenixx, you are right on - the anger hits me when the same things keep repeating, sometimes because that person keeps doing the same thing, or sometimes because person after person keeps doing the same things. I DO try to work on fixing it, but if it is someone else's behavior or actions and I don't have (and shouldn't have) any control over that - and then yes, it is the frustration.
Kermie, that IS what I try to do - and understanding the situation helps, to some degree. However, when I can't control the outcome, and it still negatively affects me (especially repeatedly) I just lose patience with calm... I need to stop that, and be more positive, because it not only helps me, but the situation.
Anybody have any experience with a good anger/frustration book? Or relaxation exercises that I might not have tried?
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Anger
May 13, 2008 20:29:35 GMT -5
Post by Mel (cherry) on May 13, 2008 20:29:35 GMT -5
- the anger hits me when the same things keep repeating, sometimes because that person keeps doing the same thing, or sometimes because person after person keeps doing the same things. I DO try to work on fixing it, but if it is someone else's behavior or actions and I don't have (and shouldn't have) any control over that - and then yes, it is the frustration. Kermie, that IS what I try to do - and understanding the situation helps, to some degree. However, when I can't control the outcome, and it still negatively affects me (especially repeatedly) I just lose patience with calm... I need to stop that, and be more positive, because it not only helps me, but the situation. Usually when something gets to this point of repetitious frustration one should asses why they would keep blindly running the same circle......... The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ~Benjamin Franklin~ I have found the most peace in my life by seeking after it. By choosing habits and behaviors that are healthy. Yeah I still fuck up royally, but in looking honestly at the why not the what, I am able to start leaving those ties behind. It is hard not to let yourself be scooped into these "caucus-races" when it is old habit. IMHO
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