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Post by sheyd on May 22, 2008 8:45:30 GMT -5
Just can't help being reflective these days. Most of you know, but Harry is going to Texas for 2 1/2 weeks to visit his family, leaving May 29th at 8 am. We haven't spent more than 1 night apart in the over two years we have lived together. We will be super busy right up until he leaves, with two birthday parties in our backyard on Saturday, we leave Sunday for a hotel with a huge waterpark (http://kalahariresort.com/wi/Default.aspx) and won't be back/done until late Tuesday night. That gives us Wednesday to wash clothes, get him packed, and say goodbye.
A lot of you also know, but I intend this to be a time of reflection - really thinking about who we are, where we are, if this is where I WANT to be, or if we drifted in, and I have asked him to reflect similarly (although I kinda doubt he will)... And I have mixed feelings. I will miss him so much - he is my life now, we have arranged our lives around who does what around the house, with the kids, etc. I will miss his smile, his wit, his company, his snuggles... so many things. I will also very much enjoy being "single" again - not the dating part, I have no desire or intention to even look at other men that way - but the "living" part. I get to decide what we eat and when, I can talk to friends at night without feeling like I am excluding him, I can SLEEP. He doesn't have to get up in the morning, at least not when I do, so he wants to stay up really late, which is hard on me since I CAN'T, so I stay up too late most nights and am always exhausted. I can snuggle kids in my bed more, I can decide about them without worrying about input or consistency between two people. I can turn off the electronics more (no movies for 2 1/2 weeks!!!) and spend more time in the quiet with the kids - maybe outdoors more. I will miss him, but I also miss being fully independent. There is pros and cons to everything, right?
I don't know why I am sharing this stuff, except that my life feels really weird right now... like I am heading for the top of a mountain and don't know what is on the other side. Probably more of the same, but hopefully with reflection I will see that side clearer, and be more sure of where I am and what I want. I already know I love him with all my heart, but that is only part of the equation, as you all know!
Shey
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Post by crushy on May 22, 2008 8:58:18 GMT -5
Shey, everything you said and are going through makes sense. It's like the next phase after 're-evaluating' that super started. I often wonder what it will be like to live with someone 24/7 again. We have such great communication and our own interests, but I remember having to go out on the patio just to be able to breathe when I married my ex. You come across to me as very patient, non-judgemental and independent. I think you two have a lot of years ahead and it's very healthy to take advantage to do something positive while being apart. I think 2 healthy individuals is better than 2 dependent ones. Enjoy your time!! Crushy
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Post by JimB on May 22, 2008 8:59:04 GMT -5
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or at least the head grow clearer. Got back from a 5 day business trip the other day, and the communication since has been markedly different. In a good way.
Time apart is big for us EU people....
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Post by freckles on May 22, 2008 11:45:58 GMT -5
I think you should Marry Him I know you dont like me saying that But, Marrage shows a Commitment That He would be there for you even if You are Sick and in a Hospital from now on And that you would be there for him in the same way That is how Marrage is suppost to work (I know it did not work that way for very many here) Its where You can say * this is my Husband And He can say *this is my Wife I think that would be the best thing P.S. You can get mad for me saying that now
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Post by sheyd on May 22, 2008 11:53:15 GMT -5
LOL! Freckles, you make me laugh! You are right, I DON'T like you saying that, but I do know it is important to you.
Crushy - thank you - and I WILL enjoy it, as much as possible (while I miss him.) lol
Jim... Its good to know that revitalized you two! Business trips and everything! I take it the new job is going well, then? How are you doing?
Hmmm... and a bit of a question for all... Normally we talk several times a day while I am at work, IM, phone calls, or when he has time, he comes up to my office and we have lunch. So, when he is gone, should I try to not call at all or only every few days? Should we limit it to once a day? Or should we call whenever we feel like it?
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Post by jules on May 22, 2008 12:35:57 GMT -5
wow, shey, can i just say i think it is super smart of you to step back and evaluate whether this relationship is what is right for you, your life, and your future, or if it's not something you would have chosen had you not sort of fallen into it. that takes some real guts and maturity. i think many of us have in the past made the mistake of falling into a relationship and then making a commitment (like marriage) mostly because it seemed like the next step in the order of things, rather than a purposeful choice. not saying that the former is a recipe for disaster, but the latter is a much more mindful choice. it's good that you enjoy being single -- that will help you be more objective in your evaluation. i wish you much luck with it and hope that whatever answers you formulate feel really right to you.
as for your contact question -- not quite the same thing, but i travel regularly for work, and when i was with my ex, i did usually call once a day, in the evening (unless the timing wouldn't work for one of us.) however it's a different situation because 1.) i was traveling for work, and 2.) i wasn't contemplating whether or not to continue the relationship. maybe the two of you should discuss expectations re: contact, and just go with what feels right. and even then, if you do make an agreement (say one call each day) i see nothing wrong with maybe sending a short text or email if you're thinking of him and want him to know.
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Post by sheyd on May 22, 2008 13:28:40 GMT -5
I have to laugh as I say "fallen into it"... since I had to make room for him in my life and family (which was a big adjustment) and he had to move all the way from Texas to Minnesota! But... he was "moving away from" as much as "moving to" and at that time had NO CLUE what it was going to be like in MN or in my family - he had never had kids before and is suddenly a pseudo step-father to three girls! As for me... I was just madly in love, but the person I was in love with is NOT the person I am in a relationship with. In many many ways, this person is better. In some... I feel a bit cheated. But once we were in it, we were in it. It would take a large wrench to change it. But yes, Jules, I don't want to feel like we just kept going because that is what you do, or because we were trapped by schedules, I want it to be MINDFUL, and a CHOICE - now that we truly know what that choice IS.
When he still lived in Texas, we said goodnight every night too, but now he might be out on a lake with his dad at my bedtime! ;D I want to give him a chance to miss me, to decide if that single life and freedom from responsibility has any appeal... and I want to remember what truly being a single parent is like. But... dang... I am going to miss him! So... do I MAKE myself miss him, and really live that, or do I just continue as if our lives will continue mostly as before... and keep talking whenever? The agreement idea is a good one... just not sure what to suggest as an agreement!
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Post by sheyd on May 28, 2008 8:08:34 GMT -5
Back from the waterpark, we are all exhausted. Now the rush to get him ready to leave at 8 am tomorrow. There is always so much to do! We were all a little exhausted and grumpy, but we made it home, and we had fun. My youngest daughter is now 6. Her birthday stuff is all done, at least for me. I managed to find a way to get the picture tradition done (Harry just DOES NOT GET that it is important to me to take pictures the DAY OF their birthday, but it happened, at least.) I am actually looking forward to tomorrow night, when I am on my own for awhile, and next week, when I will have my kids to myself... but we will see how long it takes for me to get lonely. Probably will happen the minute I drop him off! LOL!
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Post by freckles on May 28, 2008 9:32:30 GMT -5
Why is he going for such a long time?
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Post by sheyd on May 28, 2008 9:56:02 GMT -5
He is leaving now because his first niece is graduating high school this friday. My girls aren't done with school until next Friday, June 6th, so we couldn't go with him. He is off of school for a bit longer, and when it starts up again, he is only taking classes online, so he can do that in Texas. His dad wants him to go fishing with him all the time, and that is hard to do when we all visit, and I can never visit for lengthy times since I only have two weeks of vacation a year. He is able to stay at his dad's, go fishing continuously, and take a large vacation. I think it is good he is finally willing to spend some quality time with his family, and willing to go without us, so we set the time for a couple of weeks. It just worked out this way.
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Post by kittenhart on May 28, 2008 13:29:59 GMT -5
... I was just madly in love, but the person I was in love with is NOT the person I am in a relationship with. In many many ways, this person is better. In some... I feel a bit cheated. But once we were in it, we were in it. Shey, I think it's good that you are both having some time apart to give you a chance to miss each other and think things over. Reading your post reminded me of something I read about falling in love vs. being in love.....they say that when you first "fall in love" with someone alot of what you love about them is really your projections, all that internalized stuff about what you think a romantic partner "should" be like based upon your family of origin and past experiences...that this type of love really is blind...blind to how that other person REALLY is, seeing mostly all your positive projections onto that other person. After awhile though, you begin to learn about that other person more as how they REALLY are...less projection, more reality. That's when they start to get annoying and when you start having to compromise It is good that you still like what you are seeing, and only natural to feel a little "cheated" but remember that he likely does too...and that is the difference between really loving someone and just falling for someone. I think, as a woman, it's only natural to miss the "living alone" aspects of being single...I know I am loving living on my own again and am not missing all the time, work and compromise that went into looking after my exhusband....he was very "high maintenance". But a little break from each other should give you a chance to appreciate each other again.
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Post by sheyd on May 29, 2008 8:12:52 GMT -5
He's off. I DO already miss him... and I am dying to get home, he said he left something for me, but I have to find it (a letter). He isn't usually so romantic, so this is particularly sweet for me. He has already said he will probably be calling every day, and that he will miss me, but I don't want to lock him into that - I want him to truly experience freedom. Secretly, though, I hope he DOES call every day, and that he misses me terribly. Going to be a long and interesting 2 1/2 weeks!
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Post by Kim Possible on May 31, 2008 10:17:28 GMT -5
Shey, I am so glad I found this thread, because your reflections are basically mirroring mine right now. J and I are not living together yet, but I know it will be coming soon, if all things remain the same. So there was always that element of missing him, because we did not see each other every day. And now, he is working nights, so our quantity has decreased. At first, I was very nervous about it, b/c my ex and I worked opposite shifts for almost all of our time (and I feared it had something to do with our demise ). I didn't want to get used to not seeing him, like I did with my ex. So I've changed my approach to it: I am trying to keep myself busy, and at the same time, am enjoying life. WHether it be with my daughter, my friends, trying to reconnect with old ones and strengthening new friendships, I am not just sititing home and missing him. I DO miss him, don't get me wrong. Last weekend he worked the entire weekend, so I had plans everyday, and we did hang out one of the days (he usually sleeps during the day) but needed to enjoy the nice weather on monday, so we went to the racetrack. Then I wnet out with my friend that night, while he went to work. So yeah, I can relate to enjoying that feeling of not being completely "attached" to someone. One of the things I will not do with this relationship (whether we get married or not) is sacrifice the rest of my life for my man. I felt like when I was married, I lost some of my friendships (not completely, but I drifted from them). Now, I have learned the importance of balancing all of my relationships. I have many more friends than I did before, and am enjoying it a lot. And the thing is, J is fine with it. If he wasn't okay with it, to me that would indicate a problem.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 2, 2008 11:29:42 GMT -5
Well... if he misses me, I guess I won't get to hear it until later... Haven't heard from him since Saturday night. I don't know how to feel about it, since I don't know what is going on for him. If he is doing it deliberately because he is thinking - that is good, no matter the outcome. For me, I have a ROTTEN cold, didn't get AB's invitations done yet for a shower in less than two weeks, and missed a great grad party yesterday. I get an hour and a half on my own tonight to finish (read create) the invites. I miss him a lot, but still go back and forth from almost anger to intense love. Bought him a large present yesterday, though... but since I am not sure what will happen, I am not losing the receipt! lol
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Post by freckles on Jun 2, 2008 12:44:51 GMT -5
It is all about Love
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