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Post by JimB on Jun 3, 2008 15:13:39 GMT -5
Haven't heard her voice in over 6 years, and she can still make me feel like ass without even trying.
She called today. Long story short, I got a letter from the state treasurer a few months ago about unclaimed property, which turned out to be from the escrow account on our house. Finally got ahold of her dad a week or so ago (I didn't have her contact info) and apparently he gave her my number. So out of the blue, first time in ages.
I'm not gonna lie - it was good to hear her voice. We were able to chat for a bit and catch up on some very basic details. I had to call the treasurer's office with a question, then called her back with the answer. Bad move - I had time to think about it. Ended up tripping and stumbling, going down a road neither of us wanted to go down, and she cut me short. So the conversation ended up just like the marriage - started tentative but generally good, ended miserably.
Ultimately, I'm sure neither of us said anything "wrong", but I still feel like crap. I think it's probably the sensation of wanting so badly to say something when there's truly nothing to say. But I'm not feeling very analytical right now - just crappy.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jun 3, 2008 15:22:51 GMT -5
Bummer that the phone call went so poorly. Is this the last time you will have to talk to her about the escrow account?
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Post by crushy on Jun 3, 2008 18:24:52 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Jim. I hope that is the last time you have to talk to her. If you do have to in the future, maybe ask her dad for her e-mail address?
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Post by ionysis on Jun 4, 2008 3:13:26 GMT -5
Oh Jim. It was always going to be hard after so long. But you know it'll pass. That sucky feeling will dwindle until it doesn't matter any more. try to put it out of your mind, don't let it eat at you. Hope you feel better soon.
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Post by sheyd on Jun 4, 2008 8:03:15 GMT -5
Jim... can you talk to V about it? This might bring your talk to a new level, and she may be able to bring you out of that past looking and into the now? And hey - if that doesn't work... give me a call. If I can't bring you out of it, I will cry and whine about my life and irritate you until you forget your own stuff! ;D
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Post by JimB on Jun 4, 2008 8:26:44 GMT -5
I think, ultimately, it's that I had six years to build up an image in my mind of the confident, happy image I would portray if we ever had the opportunity to speak. So naturally, the fact that I turned instantly into a babbling idiot is highly disappointing. Besides, anything that resurrects what I consider to be one of the most significant failures of my life isn't likely to be pleasant.
It doesn't matter. She doesn't have to think anything in particular of me. It sounds like she has a great life, and so do I. But I'm not going to dismiss or bottle up the way talking to her made me feel. If I need to be bummed out by it for a little bit, so be it. I have the freedom to turn my back again whenever I choose.
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Post by jules on Jun 4, 2008 9:11:46 GMT -5
totally understandable to feel sucky after reopening that door due to necessity. it sounds like you're working through it in a very healthy manner, though perhaps still being too hard on yourself. you know that you are not a "babbling idiot" and that you are confident and happy in your life, and that is what matters.
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Post by kittenhart on Jun 4, 2008 14:33:38 GMT -5
I had six years to build up an image in my mind of the confident, happy image I would portray if we ever had the opportunity to speak.... It doesn't matter. She doesn't have to think anything in particular of me. She is going to think whatever she is going to think about you regardless...people inaccurately remember the past, they inaccurately gauge their future...most of us can't even accurately identify how we feel right now....at least you can do that (even if how you feel right now isn't so great). You don't seem like the babbling idiot sort, but talking to the ex can reduce a person quickly (this I know ) I would just try to put it out of my mind and be thankful that you don't have to talk to her more often....remind yourself of that welcome relief....and try not to let talking to her remind you so much of that sense of failure. Let it remind you of a sense of relief, instead.
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