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Post by shattered on Jul 8, 2008 14:00:50 GMT -5
I seem like I've got my act together. Everyone -- old friends and new acquaintances -- think I'm doing so well. That I'm just my happy go-lucky self.
That's what I look like on the outside.
Inside, I am still bleeding from what you did to me.
The bleeding has gotten less, and I am hoping for scars soon. Those scars, when they finally come, will be permanent.
You almost destroyed me. I let you almost destroy me. I should have been stronger.
I'm trying to be.
In the meantime, I bleed.
I wish you bled, too.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 8, 2008 15:30:19 GMT -5
You were stronger than you think you are. The fact that you CAN put up the facade, that it is becoming more real by the day, means you are VERY strong.
You bleed because you are a caring person who took the risk to open your heart to another. That is something to be proud of. I wouldn't be sure anyone else doesn't bleed, just because you can't see it. I think all of us bleed for one reason or another. The key is who continues on and still cares, still opens up their tender insides to others - and that is you. So be proud of your strength, and even of your bleeding. It is what makes you a wonderful person.
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Post by shattered on Jul 8, 2008 16:45:45 GMT -5
Thank you, Shey. I really appreciate that.
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Post by JimB on Jul 9, 2008 0:16:54 GMT -5
He's bleeding too. He's either just as good as you at hiding it, in denial, or ignoring it.
Not that it matters.
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Post by ionysis on Jul 9, 2008 2:48:23 GMT -5
I'm a big believer in the "fake it till you make it" approach. Often, if you act a certain way long enough eventually it stops being an act and starts being true. One day you'll find yourself looking at the happy go-lucky outside and then looking inwards and the two will once again match. Maybe it won't be as soon as you like but it will happen. For all of us I hope.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 9, 2008 9:12:28 GMT -5
He's bleeding too. He's either just as good as you at hiding it, in denial, or ignoring it. Not that it matters. Ah, so true Jim. Or, he may actually be devoid of feelings. Sometimes I think my ex is. Just think about the way your ex is acting, this may very well be the case. You are obviously a person with feelings, and these feeligns are normal.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 9, 2008 9:32:37 GMT -5
If someone is devoid of feelings, it is because they are stuffing them, pushing them away, deliberately trying to not feel. It is something I have seen people do, but the truth is the feelings are under there, anyway. He still feels, but he may try to hide it from even himself. The question is, though - if they are out of your life, why does it matter anymore what they feel or don't?
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Post by shattered on Jul 10, 2008 10:45:21 GMT -5
Being successfully in denial is pretty much the same as feeling no pain. Some people remain in denial about certain things their whole lives. Maybe he's in denial, maybe he's devoid of feelings (toward me -- he's full of feeling toward everyone else), but I know that he is not bleeding on the inside.
I know this from all the times we fought and he was so hurtful to me, and I was a miserable wreck, and he was just cold and shut off. Countless times I'd be at work crying in my office, and he'd be at work all cheerful (yes, I know this). He is not, nor was he ever, in anywhere near the kind or or amount of pain that I've been in.
Yes, I do know that. He threw me out like a piece of human trash from one moment to the next, his eyes cold as a lizard's, and left me, a sobbing mess, with the words "see ya." No, the man who was so glad to be rid of me did NOT then go home to proceed to bawl his eyes out.
If he had, he woudln't have done all those things he did in the first place.
I think that often it's something we tell ourselves to make us feel better -- that the other person is hurting as much as we are. Perhaps that 's true in some cases. In most, it's not. In my case, it's most certainly not.
Jim -- you are right that it *shouldn't* matter one way or the other. But after all the pain he put me through, *of course* I want him to hurt. I"m trying not to dwell on it, but it's not always possible to keep such feelings at bay.
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Post by JimB on Jul 10, 2008 15:25:25 GMT -5
Jim -- you are right that it *shouldn't* matter one way or the other. But after all the pain he put me through, *of course* I want him to hurt. I"m trying not to dwell on it, but it's not always possible to keep such feelings at bay. Not quibbling - hopefully he will get his. You're not evil for wishing him ill: you're just human. But it's all about not hitching your own wagon to his comeuppance. Nothing wrong with wanting him to hurt - it's when you NEED him to hurt that there's a problem. As you say, keeping those feelings at bay.
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B52
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by B52 on Jul 29, 2008 15:31:52 GMT -5
I believe in the "fake it until you make it" approach too. Keep your head up.
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Post by shattered on Sept 5, 2008 9:54:27 GMT -5
I've stopped bleeding.
Still a bit raw at times, but no more blood! The scars are finally forming!
And, equally as good -- I've stopped caring that you didn't bleed.
That is the most wonderful, amazing feeling of freedom. I just don't care anymore what you do or don't feel (which was never very much where I was concerned, anyway).
I don't even wish you ill anymore.
Because I no longer care enough.
Oh, I still have feelings about you. The other day, I played a CD with this heartbreakingly beautiful music, and within minutes I was in tears -- sobbing, snot running out my nose, unable to even stand, it just hit me like a ton of bricks -- thinking of you, and your children, of us, of what was and what could have been, and how you just threw everything away.
The wonderful thing? As intense as the feelings and the pain were at that very moment -- it was bearable. Better yet, I knew it would pass quickly. And it did. And this time, unlike in the past, the crying was cathartic. I was not miserable and depressed afterwards.
I cried, I mourned, and then I put on a non-emotional CD, cleaned my apartment, and went out to dinner with a friend of mine and didn't think about you once. (I thought about the French guy instead!)
I'll cry over you again, I'm sure.
But I'll no longer bleed.
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Post by JimB on Sept 9, 2008 8:43:12 GMT -5
I knew you'd get there.
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Post by shattered on Sept 9, 2008 16:01:07 GMT -5
Thanks, JimB!
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