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Post by jules on Jul 15, 2008 22:11:20 GMT -5
(No, I do not know what it is with me and French men!) I have the same problem with Russian men.
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Post by RO on Jul 16, 2008 0:11:29 GMT -5
(No, I do not know what it is with me and French men!) I have the same problem with Russian men. Oh, the British or Irish accents! Um, jules, please record him (you know who) at the trade show tomorrow or better yet, video!!!
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Post by RO on Jul 16, 2008 0:14:19 GMT -5
Shattered- Be giddy! You so deserve it. WE only go around once in this life. Life is a precious gift. Have a wonderful time. You do know that you MUST post pics...(ok, only if you want to) Hey, don't worry about his friends...they are bound to think you are as alluring, sexy, and attractive as he does. You will probably be fighting all of them off. meow, cougar.
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Post by ionysis on Jul 16, 2008 3:20:13 GMT -5
Don't worry so much about your heart and think about other bits of your anatomy! Seriously -just enjoy your trip - even if things with him don't turn out to be amazing you still have a week in Paris - most beautiful of cities. You rule your emotions, not the other way round. Distractions are good for healing broken hearts - and this is a pretty good distraction if you ask me!! LOL
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Post by JimB on Jul 16, 2008 8:37:43 GMT -5
I'm going to throw out some unsolicited opinions here - feel free to ignore if I'm coming across like the proverbial lead balloon. Paris is an incredible city, with lots to see and do. You have the added advantage of seeing it with a native. It has the potential to be a wonderful trip, regardless of what happens with Monsieur Le Flirt. He's been flirting with you for a long time, and now is putting his money where his mouth is. That's very generous of him, and potentially puts him above the level of a casual flirt. But I'd be very cautious about slotting him into a fantasy of someone who measures his life by counting the minutes until he can be with you. I'm just saying this can be a great trip for you, regardless of what happens with him, if you can manage your expectations. If you go with an open mind, expecting to have a fun, memorable experience, I doubt you'll be disappointed. There are lots of different ways to have fun, memorable experiences in Paris, with or without romance. (I would include "meeting his friends" among those possibilities.) But if you pin all your hopes to specific fantasies about what might happen, it naturally becomes a lot less likely that things will pan out the way you imagine. You say you're afraid of having your heart broken. I say that if you assert your will, you don't need to worry about that. When you leave, leave your fear behind. No matter what happens on this trip, you'll always have Paris. ;D
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 16, 2008 10:15:01 GMT -5
That is a GREAT post JimB!! Very well said indeed!
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jul 16, 2008 10:20:18 GMT -5
I second that. ;D
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Post by shattered on Jul 16, 2008 12:29:46 GMT -5
Thanks, JimB, I appreciate your comments! (And RO and ion, too.) I absolutely see what you're saying, but I can't focus on the city. I've been to Paris five times before, and love visiting there, but I am going to see *him* not the city. I really like him and if he lived in Nebraska, I'd be going there, not Paris. No, of course I'm not already planning on him being my future husband, but I know myself -- I am not capable of going over there, having a steamy time and then coming back and acting as if I'd just been to a great concert. (If your response to this is that, in that case, I shouldn't be going over there, I'd have to say you're probably right!) I do get your larger point, of course, Jim, and I don't think it's a lead balloon, and I really appreciate you taking the time to write out your thoughts on the matter. I don't know if I ever mentioned that he repeatedly invited my mom (who happened to be with me when I first met him) to join us for part of my visit! (She lives a few hours away in Germany.) Yes, yes, maybe he wants to be with two older women at the same time. Anyway, my mom and I didn't really want to do that, so I suggested that instead, he and I take the train to Germany to visit my mom and some friends of mine for a few days. He said that'd be great and has been acting completely excited about it. This is all very sweet and wholesome -- and sorta more than casual, it seems to me. This trip just doesn't sound like a booty call on his part. He is very cute and nice and fun and generous -- I'm sure he can get sex and companionship in Paris. I really liked what you said about "If you assert your will you don't need to worry about [getting your heart broken]" -- I LOVE that, but am not exactly sure what that means, or how to go about it. Can you expand on that some more? Hugs, shattered
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Post by JimB on Jul 16, 2008 14:16:26 GMT -5
I really liked what you said about "If you assert your will you don't need to worry about [getting your heart broken]" -- I LOVE that, but am not exactly sure what that means, or how to go about it. Can you expand on that some more? Big IMO on all this, of course. FYI, my underlying assumption is that we are all in control of "falling in love". It goes back to managing expectations. Think of your heart as being balanced on a tree branch, with you sitting next to it with your finger holding it in place. Every guy you take a romantic interest in is given permission to shake the tree, and you hope to find the one nimble enough to scramble back and catch your heart as it falls, should you choose to take your finger away. Got that image? Now, you've given Monsieur Le Flirt license to shake the tree. You're developing these detailed fantasies about what might happen, which is natural and not dangerous in and of itself. But every time you allow yourself to emotionally attach to one of these fantasies, you're whittling a little piece off your tree branch, making it harder to hold your heart in place. Every detail you add to your fantasy whittles some more off that branch. If there's nothing left but a twig by the time you get there, it makes your heart much more vulnerable to falling off, despite your best efforts. And based on what I've read (I could be wrong), you don't really know this guy that well to have that kind of utmost confidence in his ability - or interest - in catching it. On the other hand, if you keep your expectations in check, the branch stays solid and you retain control over your heart. There is, of course, a flip side to all this. You could just jump out of the tree, heart in hand, and hope he catches you. If the best happens, it's really, really great. But that's true anyway, and if anything other than the best happens, the potential for debilitating "shattering" is much higher. Now, how to go about it. There's no magic bullet, but I have a couple of ideas. One is to allow yourself your romantic fantasies, but for every such daydream you have, make yourself come up with one that involves you having fun there WITHOUT romance (either with him or without). For example, his friends turning out to be so cool and fun that you ditch him and hang out with them for a whole day. That gives you permission to fantasize about him, but also gives you some alternative positive outcomes to visualize. My other thought is continue to develop your interests and your prospects here, like I mentioned before. If Monsieur Le Flirt thinks you're a catch, you probably are. Don't be afraid to ask him what he likes about you, so that you know what your most attractive attributes are. (It's a perfectly innocent question.) Then you can work to bring those forward and share them with the world at large, which in turn should bring you more action.
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Post by shattered on Jul 16, 2008 15:29:43 GMT -5
JimB -- thank you!!!
This is fantastic.
While I, alas, have always assumed that we *cannot* control with whom we fall in love, that doesn't mean I'm right -- and I'd certainly like to be wrong!
I love the visualisation of the shaking tree. I love visualizing fun great times there without him or without romance.
I'm going to do this!
The only thing that for some reason I don't think will help me is working my attributes. I already know what he likes about me. On numerous occasions, he has told me that I am one the nicest people that he knows and has ever met, and that he doesn't know many people like me.
One time, he told me "you have qualities that not many other girls have." I think he was referring to my outgoing, boisterous, exhuberant manner, which he really seemed to enjoy. (Now, he did make this particular statement shortly after the break-up when I was a blubbering mess on the phone sobbing that I'll never meet anyone again and will be alone forever. He said, "Many men would be happy to be with you, you have qualities...." He certainly could have said that just to make me feel better, but I don't think so. He really seemed to enjoy hanging out with me, and I think he finds me attractive, too.)
I could ask him to expand on what he thinks these qualities are.
So far, none of my qualities get me so much as a date here....
But nevertheless, JimB -- you rock!
Thank you!
(Of course, now I'll be asking you for advice on Monsieur Le Flirt in the future.)
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Post by sheyd on Jul 16, 2008 15:53:41 GMT -5
You're developing these detailed fantasies about what might happen, which is natural and not dangerous in and of itself. But every time you allow yourself to emotionally attach to one of these fantasies, you're whittling a little piece off your tree branch, making it harder to hold your heart in place. Every detail you add to your fantasy whittles some more off that branch.. I really like this idea - particularly since it points out something I do and am realizing more and more that others do, too. If you fantasize about something - or really want something to be a certain way (good OR bad) you start to believe in that thing - whether it is the truth or not. You are playing with your own emotions, before anything has even happened! Then the situation is seen through those colored glasses - whatever color you pre-choose. If it is TOTALLY different from what you expect, you are really thrown, and sometime may not even be able to accept it. (How could he or she have said/believed/done that - I though he/she was so.... then insert excuse or justification here.) If it is close to what you expected (based on your fantasies or desires) you will assume it is ALL the way you expect. Kind of a detailed version of self-fulfilling prophecy, except it is also talking about the disconnect. Building up fantasies or guesses about what it will be like with this guy will pre-determine you to see the whole trip a certain way. The more you can temper your guesses or just not make any - the better.
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Post by pennylane on Jul 16, 2008 20:46:43 GMT -5
Nice reply posts JB and Shey. Good luck Shatt, and have a wonderful trip
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 17, 2008 9:37:09 GMT -5
JimB and Shey...Great posts!
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Post by shattered on Jul 17, 2008 15:38:33 GMT -5
Thanks everyone.
Shey, I am working hard on tempering my guesses and fantasies -- good point!
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