Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 17, 2008 15:37:55 GMT -5
So I have tried to think a little about this the last couple days and have started asking a very important question of myself...How does one handle things when they realize their greatest fear and their greatest hope are the same thing?
I know that one of these days, I want to fall in love. I want to get married again one day. I haven't even ruled out 100% the possibility of having another child. I really think one day I'll want to. But, 1st, comes falling in love with someone. The kind you feel to your core. The kind you know you wouldn't be the same without. I hope beyond hope that I find that again some day. I am not stopping my life for it by any means. I don't run around going, "Is this the guy? Is this the guy?" But, I don't think it's so bad to know it's part of my hope for my future. I am content the way I am right now and don't need anyone else to make my life whole. But, I know there is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone to share my life with.
No, what to do when the thing I fear most is falling in love again. It's a fear that is like a constant buzz in my soul. I know that if I let it go all the time, every chance I ever have for happiness with another might be overwhelmed by that fear and I don't want it to happen. I know that the couple times I was really in love before, they were unhappy and unhealthy loves for me. They were draining and debilitating and crumpled my heart and soul to the point I no longer knew who I was. Of course, they never seemed that way in the beginning...It's just what they turned into. I am terrified of ever being that way again. I am scared to hand a piece of me to someone else, to entrust them with the love I would give. I don't know how to flip that switch off so I can get on to bigger and better things in life. I am scared of how letting someone else in could change the world I know (and that of my children).
I know typically my desire for the things I want 99% of the time outweighs my fear of what could be bad about life but lately the two seem to be in constant battle and it's driving me insane. I know some people had something similar...How did you cope? How did you move past it?
I know that one of these days, I want to fall in love. I want to get married again one day. I haven't even ruled out 100% the possibility of having another child. I really think one day I'll want to. But, 1st, comes falling in love with someone. The kind you feel to your core. The kind you know you wouldn't be the same without. I hope beyond hope that I find that again some day. I am not stopping my life for it by any means. I don't run around going, "Is this the guy? Is this the guy?" But, I don't think it's so bad to know it's part of my hope for my future. I am content the way I am right now and don't need anyone else to make my life whole. But, I know there is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone to share my life with.
No, what to do when the thing I fear most is falling in love again. It's a fear that is like a constant buzz in my soul. I know that if I let it go all the time, every chance I ever have for happiness with another might be overwhelmed by that fear and I don't want it to happen. I know that the couple times I was really in love before, they were unhappy and unhealthy loves for me. They were draining and debilitating and crumpled my heart and soul to the point I no longer knew who I was. Of course, they never seemed that way in the beginning...It's just what they turned into. I am terrified of ever being that way again. I am scared to hand a piece of me to someone else, to entrust them with the love I would give. I don't know how to flip that switch off so I can get on to bigger and better things in life. I am scared of how letting someone else in could change the world I know (and that of my children).
I know typically my desire for the things I want 99% of the time outweighs my fear of what could be bad about life but lately the two seem to be in constant battle and it's driving me insane. I know some people had something similar...How did you cope? How did you move past it?