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Post by jules on Jul 18, 2008 9:51:36 GMT -5
I recently heard a sad story about a friend of a friend who just found out that her husband has cheated on her repeatedly throughout their marriage. The woman is blaming herself for not being a "good enough wife." The husband is agreeing with her that the problem was she wasn't a good enough wife, and she's the one with the problem -- not him.
This sounds so familiar. I remember when my sh*t hit the fan, I blamed myself initially (and my ex jumped right on that bandwagon.) I know others who have gone through the same pattern.
So why is it that women always take all of the blame for their partner's infidelity? Is there some natural inclination women have to take responsibility for everything? What should we be teaching our girls and young women so they know that they should not take the blame for the mistakes of others? And what does it take to convince someone in this situation that it is NOT her fault that instead of talking with her about whatever he felt was lacking in their marriage he instead chose to stick his dick into other women?
Or is it not a female thing at all, but rather natural that the cheated-on spouse blames him or herself?
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Post by sheyd on Jul 18, 2008 10:11:53 GMT -5
I think it is natural for people to eventually realize there was a two-sided breakdown. I think women are brought up to be the "fixers" - so the fact that they didn't fix it before it got to that point is a source of guilt. (Of course, one side can't "fix it" alone, and it takes awhile to realize that.) What you are right to point out, though, is whatever the breakdown was - or even whose fault it was - the cheating is ONLY the responsibility of the cheater.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jul 18, 2008 12:47:58 GMT -5
maybe women feel like they have to be 'fixers' because men are 'blamers'. i know that in my relationship i always had to change, and instead of talking to me about things my ex waited for times when he could say it was my fault.
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Post by shattered on Jul 18, 2008 13:24:49 GMT -5
instead of talking to me about things my ex waited for times when he could say it was my fault. OMG, that is EXACTLY what my ex would do. Well, how typical of a GIRLY MAN.
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Post by jules on Jul 18, 2008 22:05:05 GMT -5
Yeah. Definitely a "fixer" here. Too bad I can't fix myself. I've heard it said that men are solution oriented whereas women just want to bitch and moan. I've actually found the opposite to be true. If there is a problem, within the workplace, within the community, or within the home, women are generally the first ones to try to find a solution.
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Post by Phyxius on Jul 18, 2008 22:49:59 GMT -5
Yeah. Definitely a "fixer" here. Too bad I can't fix myself. I've heard it said that men are solution oriented whereas women just want to bitch and moan. I've actually found the opposite to be true. If there is a problem, within the workplace, within the community, or within the home, women are generally the first ones to try to find a solution. ... and after we watch you run around in circles long enough, we finally step in and fix it... JK...
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Post by gdgross on Jul 24, 2008 13:09:42 GMT -5
Or is it not a female thing at all, but rather natural that the cheated-on spouse blames him or herself? I don't think it is a female thing exclusively. My ex didn't cheat (to my knowledge), but she did leave me. And I blamed myself. IMO, the leaving spouse has a lot of guilt. To assuage this guilt, they, either consciously or not, blame the ills of their relationship on the other spouse. Some of their complaints may even be true, for that matter. But the point is that they need to excuse their own behavior. The other spouse, desperate to repair things, does whatever they can think of to effect that. In my case, this included believing I was a shitty, selfish husband, and trying to make changes in myself that, while they may have been good, were entirely unfair and only partially related to the relationship failure. Hindsight is so much clearer. I see now that I was not so bad as she said. I see my friends and their happy relationships with their wives, and realize that, quite honestly, I was as good a husband as anyone else. Better in some ways. Now, I think that, if anything, I have swung too far to the other side and blame my ex more than is appropriate, and ignore my contributions to the relationship failure. I still have this moral high ground complex about the whole thing that I need to get over.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 26, 2008 9:09:43 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm a member of that club . Except I didn't feel it was worth fixing, I guess. And I really don't think he wanted me to fix it, nor could I have fixed it enough to make him stay (he was already with her, and had made up his mind). But if course, it was my fault (he was the "blamer"). I wasn't loving enough, he did all he could, gave and gave, but got nothing in return. So now, I keep that feeling in the back of my mind, with my bf. Sad, I know. Even though I realize that my ex has to know he made a stupid decision (that tore up his family), but will never admit it.
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Post by whalecounter on Aug 1, 2008 19:13:43 GMT -5
I don't know why woman tend to blame themselves. I know that I blame myself, even though everyone has told me "it's not you, it's him." perhaps it is something we're ingrained to believe - that we have the power to change things, to fix people. It's our job/role to make everyone else happy.
maybe this isn't as much a gender defined role, as much as it is a personality type. i am guessing a lot of us are the type that have always looked after other people, always been the friend everyone could count on, trying to be the best spouse we can be. I know i struggle trying to please everyone, while failing to please myself.
I wasn't cheated on, so I can't speak from that perspective. But, even though i understand that my stbx has a lot of childhood related issues that prevent him from accepting intimacy and sharing his life, i still wonder what I could have done differently to keep him in my life. I ask myself everyday why did i fail?
Also, i think if you're cheated on, you tend to wonder why you were enough to keep your spouse with you...when my stbx left me, i thought how could he do this? why am i not enough for him to want to be with me? I think this can parallel to being left for another person as well.
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