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Post by shattered on Jul 28, 2008 10:50:48 GMT -5
The man I loved more deeply than I'd loved any man before rejected me in the coldest and cruelest way. I lost his children, whom I had become so close to.
Because this was sooooooo long ago (10 months), I'm supposed to be totally over it by now.
Because he was a real jerk to me off and on throughout our relationship and acted so despicably, I'm supposed to be glad to be rid of him and feel happy it's over.
Since we never got married (he broke our engagement), I'm supposed to feel lucky that he didn't marry me. He did me a favor.
Since I have recovered professionally from my disasterous year last year, and now finally have a job again that I love and where I am appreciated, I'm supposed to act like that other part of my life doesn't exist.
Because a cute young French guy invited me to visit him in Paris -- apparently I'm not allowed to be sad about the ex at all! -- because this is so phenomenal.
Oh really?? I am 41 years old. I am looking for a life partner, not a fling. I would give anything if I were married now, sharing a house with my ex, coming home to him every night, and having his children as part of my family. A thousand trips to Paris can't hold a candle to that.
I hardly ever mention to anyone how sad I am, but when I do, I get the "You have to live your life, you know." And this from people who KNOW that I AM living my life! I go out with friends, I have interests that I pursue, I am involved in political and social causes, new people I meet tell me they love my outgoing personality and positive energy, etc., etc., etc.!!!!! SO STOP TELLING ME THAT THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE THAN A MAN. I AM AWARE OF THAT!!!! I ENGAGE IN THEM ALL THE TIME!!!!
But none of this helps the pain and lonliness I feel. WHY do so few people get that???
And please stop telling my how fabulous my life is because I am going on a trip to Paris to see a cute guy!!! Good heavens!!! That does not help in any way with my feelings about my ex situation.
I fully appreciate the good things in my life. But those don't affect THE situation. I don't understand why so few people understand that.
I'm just really feeling down.
If you can relate, would you write me a few words?
Thanks.
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Post by kittenhart on Jul 28, 2008 11:05:52 GMT -5
shattered,
It sounds like you are doing all the *right* things, keeping busy, having lots of friends and interests, etc.
It's okay to still be sad, noone likes having to start over.....at any age....but I think it's worse when you're over thirty because many of your old friends are married/ have children at this point...and you are "off-time" with your peer group. I think it's great that you have new friends and are going on a trip....but yah, I hear you about a fling not being the solution, hot Parisian or not.
(((((hugs))))
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Post by sheyd on Jul 28, 2008 11:47:12 GMT -5
I DO understand - I'm like 4 years out, and am in another relationship, and I STILL sometimes have moments where I mourn what I thought I would have.
At the same time, people are pushing you that way because they care about you. They don't want to "help you wallow" because they are afraid it will set you back and make you focus on areas that will make you more sad, rather than helping you move on. I think many people who say those things to you DO understand, and don't really expect you to not hurt, but don't want to focus on it.
My cousin just really recently had to have a double masectomy, but she didn't want anyone to offer ANY thoughts on the matter, well wishes or anything, because she was working so hard to keep it together, not cry, and to focus on the other aspects of her life so her cancer wasn't ALL that was talked about. I think people might be working from that premise. If you can keep focused on the other areas, you will be less sad - and thats what people who care want for you - for you to be less sad.
That doesn't mean they are always right - you NEED to be able to vent and cry and feel sad sometimes - but they are right too. When you focus on it, you stay sad. You are doing the right things, and the not sad will win out over the sad a large majority of the time eventually. It is ok to feel sad, though, whenever you are - don't let anyone tell you differently.
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Post by rocko on Jul 28, 2008 11:48:20 GMT -5
I think mostly what people say to you is because they just dont' know what else to say.
You are allowed to still hurt, but don't be too rough on everyone who tries to say the "right" things.
((((HUGS))))
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Post by gdgross on Jul 28, 2008 12:09:31 GMT -5
Hey shattered, I'm sorry to hear you're still hurting.
Ten months in the grand scheme of things isn't really that long. It took me six months just to be able to function at a normal level again! And like shey, even two and a half years later now for me, I still sometimes mourn what should have been.
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Post by JimB on Jul 28, 2008 12:30:40 GMT -5
Just because your happy is growing and your sad is shrinking, doesn't mean your sad isn't there anymore.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 28, 2008 12:37:44 GMT -5
Hey there ,i have been in your situation for a very long while and could not seem to figure out why people cannot understand what it is that i am talking about.After my breakup i was devastated yet everyone around me told me that"hey you did the marriage thing,the child birth,and the breakup" and you are only thirty something,the world is at your fingertips now,i wishi i were in your shoes,yet they did not have a clue about the immense pain that i felt.I was supposed to feel all happy ,picking up different woman every evening and enjoying my so called freedom.Non realised that i actually did love my partner and i wanted to have a normal family and come home to someone each day and just enjoy the simple thing in life that one would enjoy only with there partner in life.There was a stage when i became extremley irritated with people that expected me to just get up and party when i could not and the more they would try to act all joyfull ,the more red i became as there is a stage in all of this when nothing really matters.Joy does not matter nor does happy people around you.You just want to be left alone to gather your thoughts.What i find most irritating is the fact that people tend to want to think for you.You are better off ,thank god it happened now,all of which make things a bit more diificult for a couple to try and work things out.I still feel hurt up to now and it has been about 18 months but the pain has numbed a bit.I tried hard to figure out why i felt the way i did for such a long time and still feel it often and i have only been able to describe it as an aura that i had when i was in the relationship,although it was not great,there was a distinct crisp smell in the air when i breathed,MEALS AND FOOD TASTED A LITTLE BETTER. The saturday morning felt exciting.All this was because you knew there was someone there.It did not have to be great but it was comfortable and normal.Everything that you did cooked or went was intertwined by the thought of the person that you were with.When my relationship suddenly ended all this came to a dead end.Nothing tastes as sweet not smells as good.I Dont feel too much anymore.The feel that i had went with her but i slowly seem to be getting my life back again i think and hope that one day that i can regain the magic senses i had when i was in my 15year relationship.I wish you all the strenghth as possible to make it to the other side of this hurt and get yourself back again.
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Post by jules on Jul 28, 2008 13:08:43 GMT -5
I think you know... I can so relate.
I actually just decided last night to try counseling again. I did the short term and never followed up with the long term. I'm hoping to find some help for working through the pain and the resulting major (lack of) trust issues.
I can't offer any words of wisdom, obviously, but I can certainly empathize. (And I wish we could go out for drinks!) You're not alone in feeling as you do. That's for sure.
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Post by shattered on Jul 28, 2008 13:19:11 GMT -5
kittenhart, shey, rocko, gdgross, JimB, and daryl --
-- thank you so much.
JimB -- well said, as always.
gdgross -- you touched on something interesting going on with me, re. the timeline of healing.
I know there is no set timeline, and some people get over this stuff slower than others. But what I feel -- and also what I feel my friends and family feel -- is that since I was never married to the guy, I should be less upset.
After all, I didn't have to go through a divorce. Almost everyone else here on this board did. You said it took you six months just to have a halfway decent day. It was the same for me -- about six months for halfway decent.
But you were married! I never was! So your loss was greater, and I shouldn't be carrying on so long. I mean, we were together for just under three years. To me it seemed like a long and life-changing time, but I know so many people spend half their lifetimes with someone who then dumps them.
Of course, love and pain are there regardless of one's legal status, but since marriage is so much more than a legal status, I almost feel like I don't even have the *right* to be in as much pain -- or to show my pain -- as everyone else here on this board.
It also makes me fear -- if the core of my very being was THIS devastated by my fiance leaving me (and the relationship wasn't even close to ideal anyway), what would I do if I ever did get married and the guy leaves me or cheats on me? Then I'll REALLY never recover!
daryl -- "The Saturday morning felt exciting." -- YES!!! I LOVED when we spent weekends together, and we'd wake up together, he'd fix breakfast, we'd lay around reading the paper, and then even just running errands at the store was more "exciting" to me than any trip to see some cute guy.
As I understand it, a standard male way of coping with heartbreak, and of helping one's friends through heartbreak, is indeed often the "other fish in the sea" and casual sex approach. That works for some, and good for them. But for those it doesn't work, that is hell.
shey -- I think you are right, that some people may be operating on the assumption of your cousin's situation. And good good luck to her -- I hope she will be OK!! I can only imagine how traumatic that must be.
Thanks for the hugs, kitten and rocko. And I will try to keep in mind that some of the people saying these things really do care.
Thanks again to all of you.
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Post by shattered on Jul 28, 2008 13:25:26 GMT -5
jules,
I wish we could all go out for drinks, too!
Right now!!
Yes, I know you can relate.
I think it's great you are trying counseling again. I saw a counselor for several months (way too long -- because he was useless). I finally quit seeing him, and started seeing another one that a friend recommended, and I am finding her quite helpful!
So, with the right person, counseling can be a really good thing. I hope it is for you!
shatt
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jul 28, 2008 13:30:04 GMT -5
i can relate. we were together for ten years, and engaged for three, but we weren't married. people have said to me that i was lucky there was no divorce. i think some people don't get that even though we weren't married legally, for all intents and purposes we were. initially i wished we were married so it wouldn't have been so easy for him to walk away. now i'm glad there was nothing tying us together. i understand about losing the relationship with his kids. i lost his niece and nephew.
i think i'm moving along with my life very well, but there are still big sad interludes. sometimes i think i'm still in denial. there are days i can't believe that i can't talk to him, days i just can't believe he chose this. and sometimes when i'm happy it hurts the most. i think if i can have moved on and can be happy with someone else and with myself, it must mean he did too.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 28, 2008 13:41:41 GMT -5
Of course, love and pain are there regardless of one's legal status, but since marriage is so much more than a legal status, I almost feel like I don't even have the *right* to be in as much pain -- or to show my pain -- as everyone else here on this board. The part that is "so much more than legal status" is the part you already had. That is why you are as affected by the loss of him as a married woman. The only difference between the two IS the legal status, you had already given your heart, body, soul, and commitment to him. The only thing you didn't do was sign the paper. It also makes me fear -- if the core of my very being was THIS devastated by my fiance leaving me (and the relationship wasn't even close to ideal anyway), what would I do if I ever did get married and the guy leaves me or cheats on me? Then I'll REALLY never recover! Yes, you would - for the reason you stated when you said it wasn't ideal. The more time you spend with someone, even years and years, the more you know ALL the good and bad. The more the things you DIDN'T know make it easier to see where the disconnect was ("after all those years, why didn't he/she TALK to me about it...") No one is perfect - NO ONE. And no one is perfect for another person! The further you get from a person, the more clarity you have about that, and you recover. Even if they were more good than bad for you, so you wouldn't want to lose it, they still weren't perfect. If people don't recover, it is because they choose to focus on the good without realizing its balance of "not good" and without being willing to look around and see the positives of other people. And good good luck to her -- I hope she will be OK!! I can only imagine how traumatic that must be. Thank you, I hope so too. I can only wait and hope. They think they got it all.
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Post by shattered on Jul 28, 2008 13:49:34 GMT -5
super -- yes, many relationships are absolutely like marriages. And ten years -- omigod -- many people get divorced after half that time!
I can't quite articulate why, but you just hit a nerve with "sometimes when I'm happy it hurts the most." Tears shot out of my eyes as soon as I read that. I know what you mean.
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Post by shattered on Jul 28, 2008 13:59:41 GMT -5
"The part that is 'so much more than legal status' is the part you already had. That is why you are as affected by the loss of him as a married woman. The only difference between the two IS the legal status, you had already given your heart, body, soul, and commitment to him. The only thing you didn't do was sign the paper."
shey -- thank you!! Yes, you are right, that is exactly how it was. For me. He, on the other hand, obviously did not feel that commitment for me. But I had truly given myself to the relationship, and was going to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Thank you for writing this.
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Post by RO on Jul 28, 2008 15:05:24 GMT -5
You have every right to feel what you feel and no reason to have to justify it to anyone.
I think your friends mean well but they probably just don't know how to react or what to say and instead of finding the right words...are just giving the knee jerk reaction.
Unless someone else has walked in your shoes...they really cannot identify or empathize with your situation.
You had the committment and the life goals regardless of the legal status...doesn't make your pain any less than anyone else's.
No one can put a time chart on the pain. It is an emotion, for me it is a reflex. Hey, I am 3 years out and I had someone approach me this past wknd that I had not seen in quite awhile...4 questions about the exh and I was reliving it all over again.
Time, right? No, a fling in Paris will not alleviate or speed up your healing process. But you must be an active participant of your life and you are only going to do that when YOU are ready... You are in control of your future.
Hugs, shattered.
RO
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