daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 30, 2008 12:22:15 GMT -5
My life up to now has been pretty ,lets say real as in everything that has happened even before my breakup,i am talking childhood,teenage years and adult years have been the darker side of peoples characters or maybe there real selves.Most that passed through my life never tried to act nice,you know when people pretend to be something they are not to impress.I did get a little i guess.My mother was definatley bipolar although she was never diagnosed,she seems okay now that she is older but the rages ,tantrums,and me having to runaway several times to avoid this wrath in my teenage years,my father was just a very quite person,never really did anything to help,he just tried his best not to be the target of her tantrums and looked the other way when my sister and i were the targets most of the time.I ran away to the Army and dropped out of school,became a very serious drinker whilst there and when i completed my days there i ended up in hospital because i was almost stabbed to death by a group that tried to rob me when i was drunk.After a while in hospital i decided to try and change my life,and so when i was well enough after several surgeries i decided to go the straight road and thats when i met my ex.I never thought that i would meet someone that was uncannily exactly the same as my mother,just maybe with double intensity.I really struggled to complet my schooling but she was just too moody for anything good to happen.I made a decent living i guess and accomodated her high end lifestyle.Since our departure,i start to think about why is it that i have to fight so hard for everything in life.It is now my own daughter that i have to fight to just see.Since our departure from her though,i have completed school and am on my 1st year degree studies,but i feel that i just dont want to try anymore,i feel like giving up now.I need a break from all of this.I have become disinterested in even my business and it is not doing well as i am not even pushing anything.It seems as if i needed to prove something last year and i was really on top of things but as the hope of reconcilliation faded so too did my interest in trying anymore and i dont really know how to get out of it.She was my last hope i guess to see something good in someone on this planet,yet i became my father in that relationship and she my mother.I dont even want to meet anyone.I really dont care.I have fought hard to have a relationship with my daughter but i am now coming to a stage whereby i feel my thinking is "what is the point" anymore.I am only hurting myself continuously through life trying to no avail.
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Post by shattered on Jul 30, 2008 13:14:20 GMT -5
daryl,
I wish there was something I could do or say!! I am so sorry you are feeling this bad.
Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Friends, neighbors, any family members, a pastor, a counselor??
If you don't know where to start, just walk into any doctor's office and ask if they can recommend a counselor. Google therapists and psychiatrists in your area. It really looks like you need to talk to someone on a regular basis for a while.
Please don't give up -- even if it's so hard to have a relationship with your daughter now, you may still be able to have one with her in the future.
Maybe instead of giving up permanently, you can just take a break, gather your thoughts and your strength.
Sending the very best wishes your way,
shattered
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Post by sheyd on Jul 30, 2008 13:14:35 GMT -5
You are working on your studies - that is the point of it all. You want a better life for your daughter. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for HER... You WILL make a better life for yourself, as long as you don't give up!
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 30, 2008 14:41:15 GMT -5
Hi,i am not in a state of depression or any thing like that,it just seems that i am slowly becoming numbed to the strong feelings of hurt that i did have and seem more down than upbeat recently.My ex has been very difficult regarding time with my daughter and i guess as the weeks turn to months and then years,you lose the ability to want to care for those that are fighting hard for you to feel hurt.What i mean is that you cannot continue hitting your head against a brick wall because at some point you just realise that you are just getting hurt and the wall is not breaking so you either need to walk away and have no feeling for something that is hurting you or become frustrated with your efforts.I am just tired of hurting myself and the brick walls have been the people in my life.I have been to a therapist when my breakup just happened and the fascinating thing that no person can explain is why do many people end up in relationships with people that are very similar to a parent that you never got along with.I am not sure if it is subconscious or not but this is true in my case.I have had to fight very hard for everything that i needed in my life and i guess it becomes a bit too much at some point.When i look around me now,i honestly do not see any person that i would want to be in a relationship with anymore specifically because,i only see there potential darker side rather than look for anything good.Iguess it is a way of protecting myself but then being alone also is something that i really dont want either.Having a relationship with my daughter is something that i want but i have been begging my ex for far too long.Why should i have to beg each time i want to see my daughter.I have been doing this now for 18 months and i cannot do this anymore.The thought of phoning someone that deliberatley betrayed me and actually planned to do this after she gave birth sickens me and this is making me now feel distant toward my daughter as well.I feel that i am through grovelling and needy of people that only want to hurt me in life.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 30, 2008 14:51:38 GMT -5
I have fought hard to have a relationship with my daughter but i am now coming to a stage whereby i feel my thinking is "what is the point" anymore.I am only hurting myself continuously through life trying to no avail. If your ex is truly bipolar, you need to do what you can to set a role model for your daughter. Remember how you felt when your father looked the other way? You need to stay involved to protect her and show her what a normal life is like.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 30, 2008 15:40:53 GMT -5
You know seyfert,i never thought of that at all,i have not harboured much ill feelings toward my father and even those feelings toward my mother i have dealt with and overcome a long time ago.However the feelings that i do have is that no matter what happens,he would never help anyway,not that i am expecting any.I certainly would not want my daughter to think that of me.Giving up on myself means i would be giving up on her and i certainly am not going to allow history to repeat itself.I know exactly what my ex is going to do,ive already seen how hard she tries to get my daughter to act a certain way or train her to have a certain manner.I have already been through the control freak thing with my mother and with my ex.Even if she refuses to go for any therapy that i offered her,i am certainly going to make sure she does not do to my daughter what my mother or she tried to do to me.When my sister and i talk to my mother now and if we ever bring the subject up,my mother denies ever trying to do anything hurtfull at all and she really cannot see what we saw so we just avoid the topic.It is exactly ike my ex.She cannot see how she is hurting my daughter by refusing me access or even does not know why it is she actually broke up with me but just thinks that she did nothing wrong so i must have yet she admits to her instability after she gave birth.These people will never see how they hurt others.They always think that they are doing the right thing no matter how extreme there actions are.My mother called the police for my sister and i when we were 13 and 14 years they threw us in a cell for the night yet we just did not wash the dishes before she got home.This type of thing happened several times in that house,yet she will always think that she did what was right but will never see the damage she also did.My ex is exactly the same.You have given me some inspiration to continue to make sure i have my keen eye on my daughter even if it meens that it is from a distance. I actually have a very good relationship with both my parents now and we dont have problems however it was getting to know yourself rather than holding resentment for the past that made that happen.
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Post by rocko on Jul 31, 2008 9:39:58 GMT -5
Do you have a set legal visitation schedule with your daughter? If so, get it enforced. If not, get one.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 31, 2008 11:56:59 GMT -5
I actually dont have a set schedule.Each time i try to get this going with my ex,she gets defensive and starts her tantrums and then kicks me out the house.She then starts avoiding my calls and i end up begging to see my daughter.It is a tricky situation because there was an agreement that she did not sign and neither did i because i had 2 hours a week on a saturday to see my daughter.In turn i would not fight for any part of the house.I decided to try the theraputic route and not negotiate through attorneys and i ended up through all the screaming and tantrums to actually get her to realise that my daughter loves to be with me and so i was able to see her almost daily,however i am tired of phoning and begging her to see my daughter.It is up to her and whenever she is in a bad mood or she feels that i did not give her enough money for that month,then she refuses access and i am not talking about the monthly maintenance,this is money that is over and above that ,so you can now see my predicament.If i continue in this way she is going to demand more and more and when i go to attaorneys which i did,they demand huge sums just to start the process and then say that it is going to take at least 150 000 rand which is about 22 000 dollars to go to court and still i may not get anything more then what i already have.In fact my attorney last told me that i have it better than most fathers and should not rock the boat.
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Post by rocko on Jul 31, 2008 12:01:58 GMT -5
22k to go to court sounds a little ridiculus. Where do you live?
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 31, 2008 12:30:08 GMT -5
I am in south africa.I have joined a group here called fathers for justice but they dont really have much clout although they do try to change the laws to be fair.The last guy in south africa eventually got a ruling here in his favour which made news but still does not have access as his ex left the country with his child.He is a multi millionaire and paid 500 000 rand for his case which is about 80 000 dollars.The family law in south africa is very complicated,specifically because it trys to protect the masses of the country that is dominated alot by tribal beliefs and so woman need to be protected in various ways because of this however there are many women that dont belong to the mass rural community but use the laws that are in place for there own benefit.No need for physcological eveluations or any of that.Even if a person is violant and is uncontrollable and needs to be in an institution,if they refuse an evaluation then they will always have the kids with them.As i was told by my attorney.If i tell my ex that i dont like the tea she gives me,she can phone the police and arrest me for mental abuse.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 31, 2008 12:39:55 GMT -5
i am tired of phoning and begging her to see my daughter Since you see your daughter almost everyday, why don't you set up the next visit when you are dropping your daughter off? Then you won't have to phone everyday. It's really your choice. You can put in the work and see her and be the father you never had. You can turn your back and walk away. It's your choice.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 31, 2008 12:55:39 GMT -5
I understand the logical explanations you guys seem to have about my situation,but it is not as easy as writing a solution on a board.Asking when i am there is the same as phoning and asking.usual responces that one does not think of.O.k phone me tomorrow and i will see what i am doing and i will tell you if you can come through or not.Sorry i am busy.If you expect me to ask with what- the answer It is not your business.I wont be posting on this board if things were as easy as pie. No i dont see her everyday anymore since i refused to go any further with money.I also have to live.There is no real solution at the end of the day unless i trick her into seeing a therapist.She however is well aware of that and that is the reason she refuses to see anyone with me even when i told her that i will not use this against you.I was genuine about that because i would rather have a mutual understanding rather than a court appointed one.Now if you go back and read the first thread you may have a better understanding of it in light of the frustration one feels in this
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Post by rocko on Jul 31, 2008 13:19:35 GMT -5
I dont' know how things are where you live, but we have a set schedule that we see my step son on. It was set by the courts and it is followed.
Trying to see her everyday would be a bit much in my opinion. I am sure you would like to, but having to deal with an ex everyday is too much for most people.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jul 31, 2008 14:28:35 GMT -5
Yes ,i would like to have a schedule and it would be conveniant if i were able to start communicating with my ex in a decent way.I have been trying.Whatever it is that happened ,the reality is that it did.She is still extremley angry with me.The thing is that i dont know why.If she would just tell me what it is that she is angry about,then at least we would be able to start talking about making arrangements but i just cannot talk to her.If i bring this subject up,she immediatley goes on like a parrot swearing me.Yet she does not say what on earth about.It is just ,she hates my family and i am all sorts of things but always avoids what it is that she really is angry about.I am not sure if these tantrums are about avoiding the subject but i am not able to get a decent conversation about the interests of the my daughter,so this continuously goes in a loop.If i phone her 30 minutes after her tantrum,she then talks as if nothing happened.If i bring up the subject again in any way,she goes bonkers again.
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Post by rocko on Jul 31, 2008 14:40:29 GMT -5
here they would make you pay for a mediator.
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