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Post by crushy on Aug 10, 2008 5:20:00 GMT -5
I just woke for the 3rd time tonight. Rolling over is an ordeal. I can't remember not being in some kind of physical pain, but remember the little girl that roller skated, climbed trees and did kart-wheels in the grass. I remember the early teen that excelled in gymnastics, worked the horse and bars, did the splits every way, etc and loved every minute of it.
Now, this body aches, I wake whenever I roll over with that nagging pain that won't go away. I love my body for the many experiences I've had...running through the sprinklers, giving birth twice, just surviving the odds. I'd take the physical, visable pain any day over the emotional pain I'd once associated with my divorce.
My sons feel that pain too. It dulls over time, but when you talk to someone experiencing it for the first time, it's something you can't describe or relate to them....it's just something they need go through and know when they hit that point many of us have.
I'm tired though. I'm tired for me and even more so for those who suffer more. Why does it take something catastrophic for us to appreciate our health? Broken hearts and broken bodies...they make us stronger, but it's so hard to believe when we are going through it.
My life is so full, so happy, but I have to remind myself when I wake with pain like I did just moments ago. I feel guilty. If I hurt, I can't even comprehend the pain of cancer patients, burn patients, etc. I pray God will ease their pain. I just can't make sense of it. I want so much to make a difference, but it's just never enough. I wish everyone had the same open hearts as many of us have during the holidays.
My ex is so smug when he judges me. Of course, that's all he has since he left me with sole custody of our sons and can't get joint custody through the courts. He's made it as difficult as possible, but I'm still standing.
I guess the point of this post is to be kind to others....they may be suffering in ways you cannot see or even imagine. Every kind deed makes a difference. I am going to make it a point to do an anonymous kind deed every day to help ease my pain w/ the joy of helping others.
Maybe I will start a 'good deed' thread where we can get ideas from others without receiving the gratitude of the recipient. I don't want recognition from the person I've done the deed for, but at the same time, I think a safe anonymous place to record our efforts might inspire others to do good deeds rather than sound like bragging (which negates the whole experience). For some recipients, the execution of the deed is critical as they have their pride too.
I'll start the thread and hope others will feel comfortable in sharing their good deed, not for recognition, but for an example for the rest of us. It doesn't matter how small or big because each deed touches someone in ways we can't imagine. The truth is...we receive as much or more blessings when we do a good deed. I'm not suggesting doing this for selfish reasons, but suggesting we will find how infectious it is and how beautiful an anonymous deed can be...
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Post by kittenhart on Aug 10, 2008 14:02:54 GMT -5
T, My thoughts are with you....I hope you get better sleep tonight. I too marvel at how many people take their good health and pain-free bodies for granted.....I know I will never feel the same about my arms and legs and just being able to do simple things. I don't feel the same admiration for people who do extreme sports or other risky physical recreational activities (like my ex, for example) I just find it stupid now, actually.....maybe that's just part of getting older though, too. I was not prepared for how living with chronic intractable pain would expand my heart. Not that I considered myself to be a closed off person before, but I think there are noticable differences in how I interact with people now....it's like I know now that I suffered a complete implosion physically (and emotionally) and somehow made it through without going crazy, so I am less guarded now somehow...(hard to describe). Not that I'd recommend severe injury as a method of personal growth....but endorphins alter neural connections in ways you can't by any other method. I actually think the whole experience made me a kinder, more responsive (but less reactive) person, and most surprisingly- a more patient teacher.....I would have expected being in constant pain to make me bitchier and snappier but actually, it seemed to be the opposite.....and I know you are the same way with your boys, T. I know you get what I'm saying. I know you are tired, hun ( you just need a good sleep ) Hang in there. I think your idea of small acts of kindness is a great one.....and I know that I've always felt happy the times when I've done something anonymously and secretly nice for students (that's usually where I've had the most chance to do things like that....guess I should look around more, though). We could all stand to pay it forward a bit.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Aug 12, 2008 9:24:21 GMT -5
I was not prepared for how living with chronic intractable pain would expand my heart. Not that I considered myself to be a closed off person before, but I think there are noticeable differences in how I interact with people now....it's like I know now that I suffered a complete implosion physically (and emotionally) and somehow made it through without going crazy, so I am less guarded now somehow...(hard to describe). Not that I'd recommend severe injury as a method of personal growth....but endorphins alter neural connections in ways you can't by any other method. This all hit me deeply today. I went thru yet another test today and came away from it feeling like crap. Don't know if it has more to do with the radioactive dye they use, or the fact that I'm just bone tired today, or if it was the interruption of the routine I've held on to with a death grip in order to push back this "thing". It is wearing for sure, and I'm so thankful that I have people around me who care and can relate. My bf has been absolutely wonderful thru this whole thing!! For me it is 10x as frustrating because I grew up with a very sick parent (without knowing the full scope until I was grown and dealing with it myself) and remember how it felt as a child. And now, I see it in my kid's faces and there is only so much I can do at this point............... I'm so tired. And yet, I run like this every day so, I'm used to it and I get up and just continue everyday. I don't think about it, kind of just auto pilot it until I'm asked directly and then sometimes I'm surprised to realize that I actually feel okay that day. *SIGH*
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Post by freckles on Aug 12, 2008 10:02:42 GMT -5
Hot Baths are good to feel better Also Ibuprofen (Gel caps) Take Vitamins I take Vitamin C&E Gel caps, Co-Q-10 Gel caps, Green Tea Pills, Blueberry Pills, Milk Thistle Pills and regular Vitamins Also I like to eat * Blueberries, Strawberries,Blackberries with Cool Whip
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Post by crushy on Aug 13, 2008 5:29:17 GMT -5
For me it is 10x as frustrating because I grew up with a very sick parent (without knowing the full scope until I was grown and dealing with it myself) and remember how it felt as a child. And now, I see it in my kid's faces and there is only so much I can do at this point Mel, I know how hard you are struggling personally right now, but have no doubt if anyone can make your kids feel secure....it's you. I am curious though. I worry myself sick about my sons when I am in more pain than usual. What goes through their little heads like you did when you were a child? Mine are 16 and 13 now, but I find myself pushing to do whatever they need or want so they don't resent me and my physical condition. I have some more physical conditions I have not explained to them and I don't know if I am doing more damage than good to keep it from them. Ironically enough, they are the ones that remind me I have limitations. I can be at the store and drop something and they jump to get it before I have the chance to bend for it. They listen intently when I ask for help or directions just in case I don't recall all of the details, they tell me I am the best mom in the world, but I still feel guilty. I do, however, feel this will make them better husbands some day. My oldest spent his allowance $ (a couple of yrs ago) on one of those 'grab it' things that reach up or down for things. I LOVE that thing and love my son even more for being so thoughtful. He's going to be a great husband someday. They both will. I took my health for granted, but literally in the blink of an eye, it can be gone. I'm lucky I only suffered he permanent disabilities I have. To look at me, you'd never know. I thank God for my injuries and accidents because they have brought me to where I am now. My sons are empathetic and loving, my ex is out of my life and I am engaged to the man I love that I'd never had met. Life is great!!
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Post by redskyatnight on Aug 13, 2008 6:41:56 GMT -5
Cool. Sounds like you are having a better day!
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Aug 13, 2008 6:47:51 GMT -5
Mel, I know how hard you are struggling personally right now, but have no doubt if anyone can make your kids feel secure....it's you. I sure hope so, I worry. There are times when I honestly can't do anything more than lay on the couch. I really wish that my mother told me she was sick when I was younger. All the insecurities and feelings that she didn't love or approve of me could have been solved, had I known. I encourage you to be honest with your kids on whatever level they are on personally. For my kids, they are so young that I say mommy's tummy hurts or I need to go to the bathroom. I've set rules such as do not open the door or answer the phone. (they will deliver the phone to me if it does ring or let me know about the door though) I understand the feeling of having to push to get stuff done. I did it the week I took my daughter to cheer camp. In fact I had an issue when I was there and basically just suffered thru because I didn't want her to miss out on it. You are teaching them empathy and compassion. You are teaching them to focus beyond themselves and how their own actions affect others. Don't sell those lessons short!! You are right, I think that it will give them a unique viewpoint and only make them better husbands in the long run. Awwwww, that was so awesome to hear!! What a great son!! Because they have a great mother When you are forced to consider life from the perspective of being sick or injured it certainly puts everything in place. You realize how ephemeral it can all be and so you live life in a different way. It seems that maybe you appreciate it a bit more for the struggle.......... We will get there and what a unique opportunity for all of the amazing women I see in this thread to come together and support one another!!
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Post by kittenhart on Aug 13, 2008 10:10:06 GMT -5
I really wish that my mother told me she was sick when I was younger. All the insecurities and feelings that she didn't love or approve of me could have been solved, had I known. Mel (Cherry), It sounds like you are doing a great job of reassuring your kids so that they are not worried, but also so they don't wrongly attribute any negative expressions you might have to them....it must be hard to find that balance being what you tell them and what you just quietly suffer through.....(((hugs)))
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Post by crushy on Aug 22, 2008 0:04:33 GMT -5
Kitten is so spot on. Cherry, you are an amazing mom and it's just staggering you have it in you considering your own childhood. You just amaze me...
I have to tell you, when I feel down or inadequate, I think of you and all you do (have done). You and Sully are heroes.
I've benefited from many of you, but I'm too tired to include everyone. Just know I admire all of you (especially those awesome dads like PQ). I would have loved a dad like you guys.
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Post by kittenhart on Aug 22, 2008 0:55:16 GMT -5
aww, thanks hun....are you still up? Hope you are not up cause of the pain...if you are, PM me. Hugs.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Aug 22, 2008 5:56:48 GMT -5
Thank you so much girls!!
I went to the doctor yet again yesterday and he prescribed me something yesterday that Im going to say (tentatively) it really seemed to help. *crosses fingers and knocks on wood*
I'm humbled at all your kind words and support. This is something I had been taught to be "ashamed" of..........and between my wonderful fiancee and you guys, I don't feel like some kind of freak of nature anymore. Thank you!!
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Post by crushy on Aug 22, 2008 6:10:19 GMT -5
Thank you so much girls!! I went to the doctor yet again yesterday and he prescribed me something yesterday that Im going to say (tentatively) it really seemed to help. *crosses fingers and knocks on wood* I'm humbled at all your kind words and support. This is something I had been taught to be "ashamed" of..........and between my wonderful fiancee and you guys, I don't feel like some kind of freak of nature anymore. Thank you!! Crossing my fingers for ya. Fiancee? Congrats, girl! ;D
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Aug 22, 2008 6:13:15 GMT -5
Yep, posted to my birthday thread in something wonderful.........
I will have to call and catch you up on the romantic happening ;D
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