Post by AngelBaby on Aug 10, 2008 19:08:38 GMT -5
I don't even know where to begin. The demons in my head make it hard for me to wrap my mind around much of anything these days.
I guess I'll try and start at the beginning and see where I end up.
I am in love with the most wonderful man on the face of the planet. He cares for me, he loves me for who I am, and he has easily become the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God every day that he is who he is, and that I was blessed enough to have him fall into my life. He makes me feel like his first and only, even though I know that I'm not. He's considerate, fun, and loves to make me laugh. We are getting married in 2 months, and I really CANNOT wait to be his wife.
So, you ask, what about these demons that you speak of? I cannot stay pregnant.
We had a "OMG, I'm pregnant" moment last July, which, I have to admit, I was SCARED about. I was really afraid that since even though we were living together, since we hadn't taken that "I want to be with you forever" step, that he was going to leave. He didn't. He was excited. I found out on a Thursday, and miscarried the following Monday. So, since we'd already told EVERYONE that we were pregnant, we had to turn around and tell EVERYONE that we had lost it. It crushed my heart into 1000 pieces. I tried to just put it behind me, because I wasn't very fall along at all, and it happens to a lot of women.
Fast forward 2 months. My youngest brother gets married, I was a bridesmaid, and totally thrilled to have a new sister-in-law. The beginning of October hits, and J proposes, and I'm thrilled as can be. That was Friday. Monday, I still hadn't started my period, so I took a pregnancy test. Positive, again. The fear that surged in my heart was INSANE. I made an appointment with a different doctor, went in to see him, they did blood work over the course of a week or so, and my pregnancy hormone level was rising like it should have. Things were going to be fine I was told. Move into November, we had a sonogram, and got to see the baby's heartbeat. That made it even more real to me. The doctor told me that I had less than a 1% chance of miscarriage again. I felt good, other than the morning/all day sickness from smells and certain foods. My breasts HURT like you wouldn't believe, and I knew that was a good sign.
The Monday before Thanksgiving, I came home from work sick with a cold, and being that I was in my first trimester, I couldn't take anything, and I didn't want to run the risk of missing Wednesday and not getting paid for the holiday. About 10 pm, I got up to pee, and my worst nightmare seemed to be happening all over again. I was spotting. I know that a lot of women do that during a pregnancy, so I tried not to worry, but I couldn't help it, and went to the ER. They did a blood test, and said that my pregnancy hormone was fine, but in my heart, I knew that it wasn't. After being in the ER for almost 6 1/2 hours, I went home with the advice of resting and following up with my doctor in the morning. I called the office, and got an appointment, got J up and went.
We got there, and they did the customary weigh in and blood pressure, then had the ultrasound tech "squeeze" me in between her regular patients. She put the probe in, looked around for a minute, said "I'll be right back" and walked out of the room, said to the dr, "you need to look at this" all the while leaving the probe where she'd shoved it. Dr came in, and I could tell by the look on his face that there was no heartbeat. He says, "well, there's no heartbeat, we need to get you in for an immediate d&c." My heart dropped out of my ass. I was completely devastated. I probably would have died right there if J hadn't been sitting there holding me.
We called parents, let them know, and I went into surgery Wednesday morning at about 7 am. So much for not losing holiday pay for Thanksgiving.
We waited about 6 months to start trying again. I went on the pill shortly after the d&c and went off it in June of this year. Got a positive pregnancy test, and shortly after the 4th of July, had yet another miscarriage. Not many people even knew about the positive pregnancy test, because I was so afraid of another miscarriage, and my fears proved to be correct.
I went to a specialist the 1st of August, and was informed that I am likely one of 13% of women that cannot carry a child and there is no explanation as to why. So, basically, barring a sheer miracle, I will never be a mom. I will never know the joy of feeling my child move inside me. I will never have to go through the fear and pain of childbirth. J will never know what it's like to look down at that little baby, and see part of you staring back. I'll never know what it's like to breast feed, or worry when your child falls down and scrapes a knee. It's not in the cards for me. I feel empty and broken. I feel let down and failed. And this is supposed to be the ultimate of happy times for me...........I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in 2 months. And it's overshadowed knowing I will never be able to make him a father.
I know there are other options, but those are not options I WANT. So don't talk to me about the other options. I don't want to hear it. This was just a way for me to try and sort out my brain. You don't even have to comment at all if you don't want. I just needed to try and get this stuff out of my head.
I guess I'll try and start at the beginning and see where I end up.
I am in love with the most wonderful man on the face of the planet. He cares for me, he loves me for who I am, and he has easily become the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God every day that he is who he is, and that I was blessed enough to have him fall into my life. He makes me feel like his first and only, even though I know that I'm not. He's considerate, fun, and loves to make me laugh. We are getting married in 2 months, and I really CANNOT wait to be his wife.
So, you ask, what about these demons that you speak of? I cannot stay pregnant.
We had a "OMG, I'm pregnant" moment last July, which, I have to admit, I was SCARED about. I was really afraid that since even though we were living together, since we hadn't taken that "I want to be with you forever" step, that he was going to leave. He didn't. He was excited. I found out on a Thursday, and miscarried the following Monday. So, since we'd already told EVERYONE that we were pregnant, we had to turn around and tell EVERYONE that we had lost it. It crushed my heart into 1000 pieces. I tried to just put it behind me, because I wasn't very fall along at all, and it happens to a lot of women.
Fast forward 2 months. My youngest brother gets married, I was a bridesmaid, and totally thrilled to have a new sister-in-law. The beginning of October hits, and J proposes, and I'm thrilled as can be. That was Friday. Monday, I still hadn't started my period, so I took a pregnancy test. Positive, again. The fear that surged in my heart was INSANE. I made an appointment with a different doctor, went in to see him, they did blood work over the course of a week or so, and my pregnancy hormone level was rising like it should have. Things were going to be fine I was told. Move into November, we had a sonogram, and got to see the baby's heartbeat. That made it even more real to me. The doctor told me that I had less than a 1% chance of miscarriage again. I felt good, other than the morning/all day sickness from smells and certain foods. My breasts HURT like you wouldn't believe, and I knew that was a good sign.
The Monday before Thanksgiving, I came home from work sick with a cold, and being that I was in my first trimester, I couldn't take anything, and I didn't want to run the risk of missing Wednesday and not getting paid for the holiday. About 10 pm, I got up to pee, and my worst nightmare seemed to be happening all over again. I was spotting. I know that a lot of women do that during a pregnancy, so I tried not to worry, but I couldn't help it, and went to the ER. They did a blood test, and said that my pregnancy hormone was fine, but in my heart, I knew that it wasn't. After being in the ER for almost 6 1/2 hours, I went home with the advice of resting and following up with my doctor in the morning. I called the office, and got an appointment, got J up and went.
We got there, and they did the customary weigh in and blood pressure, then had the ultrasound tech "squeeze" me in between her regular patients. She put the probe in, looked around for a minute, said "I'll be right back" and walked out of the room, said to the dr, "you need to look at this" all the while leaving the probe where she'd shoved it. Dr came in, and I could tell by the look on his face that there was no heartbeat. He says, "well, there's no heartbeat, we need to get you in for an immediate d&c." My heart dropped out of my ass. I was completely devastated. I probably would have died right there if J hadn't been sitting there holding me.
We called parents, let them know, and I went into surgery Wednesday morning at about 7 am. So much for not losing holiday pay for Thanksgiving.
We waited about 6 months to start trying again. I went on the pill shortly after the d&c and went off it in June of this year. Got a positive pregnancy test, and shortly after the 4th of July, had yet another miscarriage. Not many people even knew about the positive pregnancy test, because I was so afraid of another miscarriage, and my fears proved to be correct.
I went to a specialist the 1st of August, and was informed that I am likely one of 13% of women that cannot carry a child and there is no explanation as to why. So, basically, barring a sheer miracle, I will never be a mom. I will never know the joy of feeling my child move inside me. I will never have to go through the fear and pain of childbirth. J will never know what it's like to look down at that little baby, and see part of you staring back. I'll never know what it's like to breast feed, or worry when your child falls down and scrapes a knee. It's not in the cards for me. I feel empty and broken. I feel let down and failed. And this is supposed to be the ultimate of happy times for me...........I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in 2 months. And it's overshadowed knowing I will never be able to make him a father.
I know there are other options, but those are not options I WANT. So don't talk to me about the other options. I don't want to hear it. This was just a way for me to try and sort out my brain. You don't even have to comment at all if you don't want. I just needed to try and get this stuff out of my head.