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Post by jules on Aug 19, 2008 8:32:29 GMT -5
If no one can seem to live up to your standards, does that mean that your standards may simply be too high?
I can't help but think of it coming out in counseling that my ex felt he wasn't good enough for me because he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be, and he got tired of trying.
Is there such a thing as expecting too much from people? And I don't mean materialistic demands but rather standards relating to morals and integrity. Or are these things simply too idealistic for today's world and things to which no one can be expected to live up?
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Post by lqdKaos on Aug 19, 2008 9:43:44 GMT -5
I think it depends on how your standards evolve.
I have similar feelings as your ex. But my Ex's "standards" kept changing. With her, no matter what the "problem" was, if I tried to fix it, the problem changed.
For instance, she said I spent too much time working on my jeep...So I stopped. Once I stopped, I did not spend that time doing other things, it was time with her....So then I was spending too much time cycling....So I stopped. Then I was spending too much time....And the cycle kept going.
Now, I dont think you are talking about that, you mentioned integrity and morals. I think there are plenty of people out there that likely live up to your standards in those areas. As long as they are set and dont keep getting higher as soon as the person proves they live up to those standards. Does that make sense?
Basically, what I am saying is that if you have standards, stick to them. They are not too high. Perhaps, where you are looking, no one can live up to them. So start looking else where.
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Post by JimB on Aug 19, 2008 10:13:12 GMT -5
"Too-high" standards should never be a problem, but ill-defined ones are.
If you know exactly what your standards are and people simply don't meet them, that's their problem, not yours. But if you find yourself re-adjusting your standards on the fly in order to either accommodate or rule out someone in particular, like lqdKaos mentions, that's not good.
And standards are applied differently in a LTR or marriage vs. a dating situation. IMO, dealing with disappointment is a necessary (but hopefully rare) part of any LTR. Few can live up to high standards 100% of the time - we're all human. But in the dating world, you can reasonably apply high standards to the relatively brief interaction involved. (And bear in mind that many single people are single for a reason, perhaps several.)
If you feel your standards might be too high, examine and quantify them. I personally have always had a problem with being held to any standard that can't be quantified in some way. I feel I have good character and integrity, but I still resent situations in which I'm afraid to screw up. I've had experience with "never being good enough" and I attribute that to fluctuating standards on behalf of the one who is judging me. No one should ever find fault with your standards as long as they're clear and consistent.
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Post by freckles on Aug 19, 2008 10:21:04 GMT -5
What I think is funny
People with the Biggest Problems
It is just like in the Bible
They have a Beam in thier eye
And they Flip Out over the Speck (Mote) in thier partners eye
What do I mean ?
THEY can be Addicted and do Adultry and everything bad
That is Ok to them
If thier Partner
Forgets to do something small (Mow the Yard)
They Flip out about that Small thing
They are themselves the Problem and they are Blind to it
My ExWife said it well, when She Judged someone else that does that
She said that They are *Worthless
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Post by lqdKaos on Aug 19, 2008 10:33:38 GMT -5
Jim, That was exactly what I was trying to get out (just not quite as eloquently). Awesome job.
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Post by JimB on Aug 19, 2008 10:52:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the kudos. Anyone else note the irony of Freckles posting in a thread titled "Standards"?
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Post by jules on Aug 19, 2008 11:15:21 GMT -5
Just to clarify... the "too high" standards I'm questioning are basically:
1.) Be honest. Always. 2.) Treat others as you'd want to be treated. 3.) Respect yourself and others in your life.
That's about it. Is that too much in this world?
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Post by RO on Aug 19, 2008 11:29:33 GMT -5
Just to clarify... the "too high" standards I'm questioning are basically: 1.) Be honest. Always. 2.) Treat others as you'd want to be treated. 3.) Respect yourself and others in your life. That's about it. Is that too much in this world? j - you and i have discussed this at great length and you realize and understand my UTTER disappointment in the world at this moment in time. IF the man/woman cannot MAN UP/WOMAN UP and do these 3 simple things... He/She is not worthy of you and all you have to offer. Life is too short to settle for anything less.
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Post by redskyatnight on Aug 19, 2008 12:08:16 GMT -5
Just to clarify... the "too high" standards I'm questioning are basically: 1.) Be honest. Always. 2.) Treat others as you'd want to be treated. 3.) Respect yourself and others in your life. That's about it. Is that too much in this world? 1.) Just about everyone lies. I found some research on it a while back and found that the average person tells 6 lies an hour in social settings. I was shocked and wish I had the website so I could pass it along to you. The type of lie is a big deal and I also consider the motivation behind it. Reasons that include greed, selfishness, or doing harm to another are hard to forgive. Telling a host you like the dip, not so bad. 2.) This should be how everyone conducts themselves, not just in relationships but in general. If you aren't finding this type of person, you might be looking in the wrong place. 3.) Respecting oneself can be hard. I don't think it is because they intentionally disrespect themselves, but haven't learned how to meet their own needs, so they do stuff that is harmful or degrading in an attempt to get their needs met. Sounds like you need someone comfortable in their own skin.
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Post by freckles on Aug 19, 2008 12:10:48 GMT -5
Thanks for the kudos. Anyone else note the irony of Freckles posting in a thread titled "Standards"? I am Honest My Word is my Bond I am Not Selfish I go to Church When I say I will do something, I do it I have Common Sense I am Non-Addicted How many People can say the Same ?
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Post by redskyatnight on Aug 19, 2008 12:18:38 GMT -5
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Post by jules on Aug 19, 2008 12:42:07 GMT -5
1.) Just about everyone lies. I found some research on it a while back and found that the average person tells 6 lies an hour in social settings. I was shocked and wish I had the website so I could pass it along to you. Great. So we live in a world full of liars. This makes it ok? The type of lie is a big deal and I also consider the motivation behind it. Reasons that include greed, selfishness, or doing harm to another are hard to forgive. Telling a host you like the dip, not so bad. There are ways to be tactful and polite without lying. It concerns me that it's accepted as just a part of life. 2.) This should be how everyone conducts themselves, not just in relationships but in general. Agreed. I didn't mean just in the vacuum of a relationship. If you aren't finding this type of person, you might be looking in the wrong place. Like a world full of liars, perhaps. 3.) Respecting oneself can be hard. I don't think it is because they intentionally disrespect themselves, but haven't learned how to meet their own needs, so they do stuff that is harmful or degrading in an attempt to get their needs met. And that makes it ok? Sounds like you need someone comfortable in their own skin. Yes. An honest to goodness grownup would be good.
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Post by JimB on Aug 19, 2008 13:01:57 GMT -5
I agree with redsky - this isn't realistic, and even if it was, you don't really want it. Social interaction would cease to function without a certain amount of "dishonesty" (in quotes because it's really too harsh a word to apply). And complete honesty also eliminates a great deal of the kindness in this world, which IMO is much more important than honesty. Could be a semantic thing, though. Is it possible that what you're looking for is more akin to "openness" than "honesty"? Regardless, I would suggest this is a standard that might need some clarification. Agreed, and it's a pretty clear, simple concept. Others, for sure. Oneself - I agree it's not always easy to respect oneself, but I think it's a reasonable expectation to have.
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Post by gdgross on Aug 19, 2008 16:59:05 GMT -5
I think I agree with the others regarding honesty. White lies are the grease that make social interaction possible. I don't really consider them dishonest, now that I think about it. Like Jim, I think honest is too great a word for that kind of thing. Did you ever ask your ex if that dress made you look fat? That's what I'm talking about, and maybe that's not what you meant. The other two I buy, though. Doesn't mean they are easy. How often to I really treat others the way i want to be treated? That's a high and difficult calling. Thanks a lot for that one, Jesus!
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Post by kittenhart on Aug 19, 2008 18:15:06 GMT -5
Jules, I have to agree with redsky@night that people lie alot, if you actually get right down to counting the number of times per hour, I think you'd be quite shocked....but they are not necessarily lies you wouldn't want to have told, as people have already said.... I think really you could condense all three of these into just #3 Respect.
Respect for yourself and others....and no I don't think it is too high of a standard....difficult at times but not an impossible standard at all.
I have been surprised by people as often as I have been disappointed, in this regard. Though I 'spose the ones who have disappointed me the most were those closest to my heart, and that in turn was my own undoing and disrespect of myself, ultimately.
I really hope that people don't find this an impossible standard and "give up trying" because if so then....WTF is the point?
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