|
Post by redskyatnight on Sept 6, 2008 22:09:24 GMT -5
I'm just curious. How is dating in a committed relatioship different ftom marriage?
I ask because of my observations lately. I lived with my ex for 7 years, things started to go down hill when we got married. I also hear about couples who live together, then get married, then divorced shortly after the marriage.
Given that I lived with the guy, then got divorced.......I should know the answer, but I don't.
I want to be married again. I want to know that someone will love and support me no matter what curves life throws.
But I saw wedding pictures of a co-worker and my hands went cold and my arms went knumb, so I'm not ready for it. But why not? How is dating one person in a committed relationship different than the legal document of marriage?
|
|
daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
|
Post by daryl on Sept 7, 2008 10:47:32 GMT -5
I really do not know how different it is. I was in a relationship for fifteen years in which we lived together for about thirteen of the fifteen years.When we did get married in 2006,everything fell apart. There are many reasons that this happened i guess.In hindsite ,she never wanted to form any type of relationship with my family for all those years and when we married ,i think that it hit home that she would have to try,which she did not want to.Another reason may have been that the pressure of always having an option to opt out from the relationship when you are not married and the pressure to have to try to make things work. Funny thing is that she was the one that forced the issue of getting married and given that fact that i knew things were not healthy in our relationship as it was.I discussed all these sore points with her and she agreed to try and get along with my family and to try to make things work.Only then did i agree all the while praying that she will be true to her word,which she was not. She did not even get to call me her husband and she now calls me her ex.I dont think that waiting to long to get married is a good thing in my opinion specifically because there may be another agenda behind wanting to get married.In my case i am almost certain that she fell out of love with me along the way but forced a marriage because she wanted a child without embaressing her family and being dissowned by them if she had a child out of wedlock.She got everything she wanted out of the marriage which lasted 9 months before accusing me of abuse and getting me out. Her family and she can now hold there head up high in the community with my child as there daughter married an abusive man. Some woman think that she is a heroine for doing what she did. If only people knew that she was actually the abuser ,they still would not believe it. If yo plan to get married after a long period living together and then one partner wants to get married ,i would suggest you look at all the reasons why they want to do this when it wont really make a difference.If you feel the relatioship is already on shaky ground,dont be an idiot like i was and still go ahead with something you know in your heart is not right.
|
|
|
Post by JimB on Sept 8, 2008 15:00:36 GMT -5
One word: expectations.
I've been in a committed LTR for 5 years now, after being married for 6. The vibe is completely different when you're married. Marriage is a construct of society, so society expects things of married people. Children are the most obvious example, but there are other, more subtle expectations as well.
And it's not just the world at large with these expectations - it's the participants themselves. Everyone looks at a marriage as somehow being different from a LTR. Let's face it - marriage is widely considered to be "the next step" for a LTR. It varies from person to person what these differences may be, but despite any intentions that may be declared otherwise, those expectations play a huge role in the success or failure of the marriage.
I'm very fortunate to live in a big city, where my preference to remain unmarried doesn't seem to raise too many eyebrows. My parents are kind of old school - they think I should get married, although they are polite enough to refrain from saying so. Won't happen, unless I decide I want kids.
|
|
|
Post by glassonion on Sept 8, 2008 15:51:55 GMT -5
Good question you have raised. I lived with my exh for 7 years before taking that giant step into marriage. As soon as that happened, everything and I mean EVERYTHING changed. Then we tossed in two kids and that was basically the end of our relationship.
Would I marry again? Sure. I think that with each relationship, we are able to learn what works for us and what exactly does not.
I think the only differences between a LTR and being married, beside the legal stuff, is the pressure that we put on ourselves to "live happily ever after".
|
|
|
Post by rocko on Sept 18, 2008 10:07:15 GMT -5
Maybe it is simply the marraige makes people assume they are in and dont' have to try anymore.
|
|
|
Post by sheyd on Oct 7, 2008 13:42:46 GMT -5
For me, marriage means you are committing to the long haul, to working on it, and trying. It shows your partner and the world that you are willing to state that intention publicly. The relationship itself shouldn't change before and after marriage, except that you have made that additional step of saying you will go the extra mile to stick it out. It should also give you and your partner a small lift to know you are each "willing to go there", and willing to let everyone else know that.
Besides that, it gives you different labels. Harry is... "my mom's boyfriend" instead of "step-dad". My "boyfriend" (which still sounds so juvenile to me) instead of "husband". And it matters legally - such as if one is seriously injured, a partner can't make decisions for you. If you aren't married, and someone needs lifelong care, the property can be sold for their care, even if in both names (it can't if you are married and the spouse is still living there).
I think people can be just as committed (or more) unmarried, and can still feel that determination for the "long haul" without a ceremony. Each person has to decide for themselves.
|
|
cm
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by cm on Oct 7, 2008 13:58:58 GMT -5
I think that the biggest difference is the inordinate risk that needs to be taken by the male. Unfortunately in our society, a man has very little to gain and everything to lose by marrying his bride.
|
|
|
Post by Phyxius on Oct 7, 2008 14:26:28 GMT -5
I think that the biggest difference is the inordinate risk that needs to be taken by the male. Unfortunately in our society, a man has very little to gain and everything to lose by marrying his bride. Interesting, coming from a newlywed. Or did you get cold feet and run for your life?
|
|
|
Post by jules on Oct 7, 2008 15:49:29 GMT -5
I think that the biggest difference is the inordinate risk that needs to be taken by the male. Unfortunately in our society, a man has very little to gain and everything to lose by marrying his bride. Disagree. I think it's more about economics than gender, to be fair. And in many situations currently, the woman is more economically stable than the man.
|
|