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Post by rocko on Oct 21, 2008 12:36:25 GMT -5
Did he bring all of his things with him to move here?
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Post by redskyatnight on Oct 21, 2008 13:07:09 GMT -5
What you have here is an excellent opportunity to learn how to let go and be happy with what you have. As you say, you can't chew his food for him, nor would you want to. I know you want things to "work out" (whatever that means), but there are too many uncontrollable factors involved. So enjoy the moment and let the future unfold at its own pace. . Sage words!
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 21, 2008 13:41:19 GMT -5
What's wrong with this picture? Let's see. You're spending two and a half weeks with a wonderful man, and you're falling in love more every day. Yet you're "depressed and confused". Huh? Wow, she sounds more and more like me every day...
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 21, 2008 13:43:24 GMT -5
Wow, I am so sorry this is so crazy! I know what it is like to crave the stability you went so long without. It is hard to feel like you are guarded in making an investment in someone and yet spending so much time together, it is impossible not to do so. As I know it's easier said than done, I am not going to tell you to live for the moment and enjoy it for what it is. That's so difficult sometimes! Wow, we are a couple of worriers aren't we? You've done what you can it sounds like. And, yes, now it's time for him to pull his weight. Good luck, keep us posted.
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Post by shattered on Oct 21, 2008 14:08:12 GMT -5
Did he bring all of his things with him to move here? He just brought a suitcase with clothes. He says he has a ton of stuff at one of his cousins' house who lives nearby in Virginia. He has a bunch of cousins here, and had his own apartment in D.C. when he was living here before about five years ago. He is now storing stuff from that apartment with his cousin. He talks very matter of factly about getting his own place again when he moves back to D.C. (just as soon as this newest visa situation is straightened out, he says) and will then get his stuff from his cousin's storage.
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Post by shattered on Oct 21, 2008 14:10:04 GMT -5
Wow, I am so sorry this is so crazy! I know what it is like to crave the stability you went so long without. It is hard to feel like you are guarded in making an investment in someone and yet spending so much time together, it is impossible not to do so. As I know it's easier said than done, I am not going to tell you to live for the moment and enjoy it for what it is. That's so difficult sometimes! Wow, we are a couple of worriers aren't we? You've done what you can it sounds like. And, yes, now it's time for him to pull his weight. Good luck, keep us posted. Thank you for understanding!!! I think maybe *you're* my soulmate!
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 21, 2008 14:11:29 GMT -5
Wow, I am so sorry this is so crazy! I know what it is like to crave the stability you went so long without. It is hard to feel like you are guarded in making an investment in someone and yet spending so much time together, it is impossible not to do so. As I know it's easier said than done, I am not going to tell you to live for the moment and enjoy it for what it is. That's so difficult sometimes! Wow, we are a couple of worriers aren't we? You've done what you can it sounds like. And, yes, now it's time for him to pull his weight. Good luck, keep us posted. Thank you for understanding!!! I think maybe *you're* my soulmate! Right back at ya' babe! lol
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Post by shattered on Oct 21, 2008 14:42:00 GMT -5
What's wrong with this picture? Let's see. You're spending two and a half weeks with a wonderful man, and you're falling in love more every day. Yet you're "depressed and confused". Huh? What you have here is an excellent opportunity to learn how to let go and be happy with what you have. As you say, you can't chew his food for him, nor would you want to. I know you want things to "work out" (whatever that means), but there are too many uncontrollable factors involved. So enjoy the moment and let the future unfold at its own pace. Ain't no such thing as a perfect relationship - there's always going to be something to worry about. You can't control the uncontrollables, but you can control your attitude towards them. Let 'em go and live your life, especially when things are really good. JimB, you know what a fan I am of your take on things, and while I agree with part of what you say here, I feel this time around you are expecting too much of poor old shattered. Yes, the fact that I am falling in love more each day is wonderful -- but don't you see why that is also precisely the reason why I am worried and sad? What is the point, except for more heartache, of getting attached to someone just to have him leave again?? I am not merely having superficial fun with him -- I have truly fallen in love with this man. So, with everything as up in the air as it is, and with this seemingly never-ending uncertainty, *of course* I am scared and confused!!!! (Which leads to feelings of depression!) Sigh. Only my soulmate hoodie understands the torments of my soul....
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Post by JimB on Oct 21, 2008 15:03:36 GMT -5
What is the point, except for more heartache, of getting attached to someone just to have him leave again?? What indeed? What's the point of eating, when you're just going to be hungry again? What's the point of sleeping, when you're just going to be tired again? What's the point of going to work, when the money is just going to be spent and you'll have to go back tomorrow? I understand where you're coming from better than you think. I used to have a similar attitude towards my relationships. I would fall HARD, and so our time together would be heaven and our time apart would be hell. I spent almost all of our apart time wondering and worrying about how she really felt and where we might be going together, and didn't spend any time doing things for myself. My relationships (and my self esteem) got a lot better when I ditched that mind set. (It's possible I've gone too far the other way now, but that's a topic for another time.) Falling in love will always involve some risk. Craving stability is fine, but pinning hopes for that stability to another person is risky. Spend your time apart working towards stability in other parts of your life, so that no matter what ends up happening with Monsieur Le Rrrawrr, you'll have some of what you need. /soapbox
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Post by shattered on Oct 22, 2008 11:58:46 GMT -5
What is the point, except for more heartache, of getting attached to someone just to have him leave again?? What indeed? What's the point of eating, when you're just going to be hungry again? What's the point of sleeping, when you're just going to be tired again? What's the point of going to work, when the money is just going to be spent and you'll have to go back tomorrow? I understand where you're coming from better than you think. I used to have a similar attitude towards my relationships. I would fall HARD, and so our time together would be heaven and our time apart would be hell. I spent almost all of our apart time wondering and worrying about how she really felt and where we might be going together, and didn't spend any time doing things for myself. My relationships (and my self esteem) got a lot better when I ditched that mind set. (It's possible I've gone too far the other way now, but that's a topic for another time.) Falling in love will always involve some risk. Craving stability is fine, but pinning hopes for that stability to another person is risky. Spend your time apart working towards stability in other parts of your life, so that no matter what ends up happening with Monsieur Le Rrrawrr, you'll have some of what you need. /soapbox I know what you're saying JimB, but I don't mean it like that. By stability, I don't mean guarantee. I know there are no guarantees and there is always some risk. That is fine. What is not fine is absolutely everything being totally up in the air -- *in addition* to all the normal/standard uncertainty and risk. Actually, sadly, I think I just got some certainty, though of the opposite of what I want: Eventhough he swears up and down that his absolute priority is to get this visa situation straightened out and live here to be with me, and he swears on a daily basis, "Cherie, I can't live without you, I do the maximum to be with you" -- he's not doing the *minimum." He was supposed to call the immigration lawyer I put him in touch with around 11 am on Monday. He didn't do it. So the lawyer calls and leaves a message for the French guy at my house to please call him. I play the message for the French guy. Tuesday comes and goes -- again, the French guy doesn't call. "Oh, I forgot," he told me this morning ever so casually. In the meantime, I had gotten yet another call from the lawyer. I tell the French guy. He says this morning, "Yes, I'll call him today." It's now been three hours, and I just found out from the lawyer that Frenchie STILL hasn't called. WHAT is he waiting for??? He has to leave the U.S. in little more than a week!! I have my certainty: French guy isn't nearly as serious about being with me as he claims. Tonight, I will ask him whether he called the lawyer. If he still, after three days, can't be bothered to pick up the phone and dial a number, I will ask him calmly but seriously to take his suitcase and please go back to his cousin's house. I am beyond depressed. And please -- everyone -- don't tell me not to be depressed about *this*!!!! I just can't believe that the same man who seems to adore me so much and sings to me while kissing me, and takes my face in his hands, and tells me he's never felt this way about anyone before -- isn't interested enough to do anything to actually make a realtionship between us possible!!! I don't get it, I just don't get it. Why can't I just ever have a normal relationship. Why. It's all I can do to keep from crying at the office. I'm keeping it together, barely, until I get home tonight.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 22, 2008 12:27:29 GMT -5
I won't tell you not to be depressed...TRUST ME. You deserve to get to be. And, I can see how not losing it, even for just 5 minutes, can be torture. It sounds like he really is saying one thing and doing another and I am so sorry for the hurt that must be causing you. I can relate all to well. All I can say is I am thinking of you today and I am so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like he needs to get his sh!t together. If you want, I can PM you my number and if you need to call me this evening or tonight or something, please don't hesitate. {{HUGS}}
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Post by shattered on Oct 22, 2008 13:04:47 GMT -5
Hoodie -- thank you!!!
And yes, I would love it if you PMed me your number!!
I would love nothing more than to not need it tonight, but if I do, it would be so wonderful to know my "soulmate" is a phone call away!!
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Post by JimB on Oct 22, 2008 13:27:19 GMT -5
I won't tell you not to be depressed about it, since it seems you're determined to be. Maybe I'm defending this guy (who I don't even know) too much, but here's MNSHO. The impression I've gotten from what you've written about this guy from day one is that he's not a detail person. (There also may be a cultural aspect to this - Europeans are known to have a different concept of time and urgency than Americans.) I would suggest that this lack of detail orientation is a corollary to many of the things you like a lot about him - his spontaneity, his borderline craziness, his lack of reserve in telling you how he feels about you. Naturally, just like everything else in the world, there's a flip side to that. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing - you can be in love with the guy without liking everything about him. So on the one hand, throwing him out would send a strong message that he needs to do what you want him to do, on your time frame. If that's a ground rule for your kind of relationship, fine. If it was me in his shoes, though, I'd feel a little trapped by your reaction. Your way or the highway, with no middle ground? OK, but...not ok. So in the interest of finding a middle ground, here's what I suggest. When you see him tonight, if you find he still hasn't made the call, tell him your first instinct is to send him away. Then tell him why - because you feel it means he isn't serious about you. You have nothing to lose by doing this - you're already invested in this love affair, and you want it to become a relationship. Once you've explained yourself in this way, listen and draw your conclusions then. If you don't get a satisfactory response, you can still send him away. If I'm reading right, you've simply told him to do something and he hasn't done it. This doesn't necessarily mean he isn't serious about you - that's faulty logic. Now you have an oppportunity to explain fully why this is so important to you, and why you're offended that he hasn't acted promptly. If he sees and understands that, and still doesn't do the right thing, then it's time to start assuming the worst. All IMO, of course. And sorry if I'm too sympathetic to the male half of the equation.
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Post by jules on Oct 22, 2008 13:54:04 GMT -5
I would suggest that this lack of detail orientation is a corollary to many of the things you like a lot about him - his spontaneity, his borderline craziness, his lack of reserve in telling you how he feels about you. Naturally, just like everything else in the world, there's a flip side to that. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing - you can be in love with the guy without liking everything about him. This is a really good point. Now that you're knowing him -- the complete him -- better, you're learning more about how he lives, the good and the bad. You can decide if you're willing to overlook the things that make you crazy because, well he makes you crazy in other (good) ways , or decide if it's not something you can deal with. I know, I know, easier said than done. But this is obviously a part of the person he is. It doesn't make him a bad guy. But it can be bad for someone like you who puts a high priority on stability and organization.
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Post by ionysis on Oct 23, 2008 7:45:40 GMT -5
Hi Shattered.
I have to say i kind of fall on JimB's wavelength here. Why not make sure that his reasons for not calling really are that he isn't serious about you. It may not be what you think. I have to say that I sympathise a bit with Frenchie because personally I am TERRIBLE at stuff like that - there is no way I'd have called the lawyer either. Some personalities just aren't built that way - I cannot pay a bill until it is red, I struggle to even pick stuff up from the dry cleaners or post a letter. I am a chronic procrastinator - it is just the way I'm built and it drives people nuts. he may well be the same - impulsivity and emotional intensity often go hand in hand with this kind of disorganisation and lack of attention.
It sounds as if he IS crazy about you - he's just not crazy about trying to sort out immigration issues - and I wouldn't be too thrilled by that prospect either. Talk to him and see what he has to say.
Good luck and keep your chin up.
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