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Post by charbiedoll on Oct 18, 2008 4:23:10 GMT -5
Hi all! I will try and make this as brief as possible. My exh left almost 3yrs ago. At the time we had a 3yr old and a 6mo old. I was a stay at home mom. I guess he was going though his midlife crisis or something but, he left cause he found a 25yr old gf (he was 38, not that age matters anymore). Either way, he pretty much left me and kids for dead as far as I am concerned. I of course was not working because I was taking care of 2 babies. So, we had no money and I wound up having to take handouts from his mom (20bucks...Ill get far with that!) His dad had oil put in my tank for the house to have heat. I had no source of money. I had to drive 45 minutes to my mothers house to feed myself and my children although the baby was on formula. Thank god for my mom!!! Anyway, my exh apparently broke up with his lil gf (guess she wanted marriage, kids etc....I was wife #2 by the way and he has a kid from his first marraige....guess a leopard doesnt change his spots) Now low and behold he is almost stalking me in a way. He shows up at my house in the middle of the night wanting to see me and talk to me. (we only communicate through text messaging....that is my doing cause we argue when we talk on the phone) He wants me to talk with him and be his friend....how can I?!!! I will NEVER for get what he did to me. I live with his wrath everyday of my life now!!! Am I being to harsh??? Do I need to let go of my bitterness?? I dont see how I can ever be civil with him after what he did.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Oct 18, 2008 8:02:02 GMT -5
There is absolutely nothing wrong with drawing those lines. I only wish that I had done so sooner with my ex. It would have saved me and our children a LOT of heartache.
As long as you are not being "vindictive" about behavior, you are split for a reason and to be healthy for you and your kids (especially knowing the situation between you is toxic) it is better to keep those lines drawn.
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Post by charbiedoll on Oct 18, 2008 9:50:31 GMT -5
I dont think I am at all vindictive. As a matter of fact I argue the fact he should take the kids more often and will be offering the kids for thanksgiving. He also asked if he could take them trick or treating on halloween and I told him that it would be nice if he did. I just know every conversation we have he tries to get personal with me....asking me how I am.....what am I up to....etc. He never would ask me things like that before. Like he could care less before so, why care now? I am in I guess my own way at peace with with minimal communication and only regarding the children conversations. I dont think it needs to be anything more than that. Although, he argues all the time we should be friends for the kids but, I think he has more in mind.....he has quite a few friends that have gotten divorced and remarried some years later. Well, that is just not the kind of person I am. I am different now and I have a harder shell and more on the defensive with all people. I dont know if that is good or bad but, I wont let my guard down again after I had been hurt so badly. I think I am just stronger than I used to be!
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Post by crushy on Oct 18, 2008 13:19:58 GMT -5
Wow, Char....you've been through a lot and are still standing. I admire your strength. I know you do what you have to do for those kids, but someday, they are going to be glad you are their mom. Stay strong and don't let him back in. Your kids are lucky to have you. Keep us posted on what's going on for you and yours. Crushy
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Post by kittenhart on Oct 18, 2008 13:32:13 GMT -5
my exh also thinks it's a good idea to be "friends" still and, although we aren't really friends how I would define it, I am trying to keep up the civil chitty chat when I have to see him (usually twice a month to exchange our pets...we have shared custody of pets). It was a very tricky, slippery slope at first...but a year later I can honestly say it has gotten easier. We are not *actually* still friends though, if you really dissected the interaction between us....I think it's just a way for him to feel like he's a "good guy" despite everything. He can tell other people how he's "still friends with his ex-wife" cause he's such a *nice* person And it's not that he isn't a nice person, really.....it's just that he never owes up to anything he does, or accepts any responsibility for things that happened....whatever. I have moved on, and no longer expect him to ever "get it". Ultimately, I came to the realization that it made things function more smoothly for me to just pretend to be friends with him still. But I have him compartmentalized off in my brain so that he can't ever hurt me again. (Hopefully.) You might find that things for you are also easier if you just pretend to be friends with him....just don't actually share much with him that could be used to hurt you. Remember that it is your choice.....he left you and made his choice already. Do what works for YOU.
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Post by redskyatnight on Oct 18, 2008 21:18:42 GMT -5
It seems like you think he is using the friend thing as a way to become more than friends. If you felt he was honest about being friends for the kids sake, I don't think this would be troubling you. You are wise to draw the line. If he really wants to get along for the kids sake, he will continue to be nice. If he wants more and you don't give in, ..............what will happen?
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Oct 20, 2008 10:03:27 GMT -5
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I thought you were being vindictive. I guess I got a lot of flak from my family for "cutting ties" and I tried to explain that at some point it became so toxic that I was doing what was best to get out of that, not that I was trying to hurt him. So..... The girls are right, and phrased it better You are concerned about this for a reason. Not everyone can do what kittenheart has been able to. In fact I have a friend who is friendly with her exh and his new wife and they sometimes do things as a group with the kids.... But there is something that rings untrue here and you feel it. Don't let yourself be tempted, it sounds like you have got it balanced really well right now. We do need to be CIVIL for the kids sakes, learn to communicate on a basic level, but nothing more. Stick to your guns!! Firmly and matter of factly remind him each time he forgets that you are only interested in exchanging information about the kids and that your private life is just that.........private. Be polite and friendly but definitely don't let him push or guilt you.
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Post by rocko on Oct 20, 2008 16:39:34 GMT -5
I was the stay at home mom/wife with a 12 month old and a 26 month old when the exh cheated and was done with us. I chose to leave he wanted to keep all of us . That was August 2004. For months he tried to "be friends" and tell me how he was and how he was dating so and so or how he thought he got somebody pregnant. I explained to him very nicely (in my opinion) that, "I am not your friend, I am only answering the phone when you call because I want you to maintain a relationship with the boys". That worked for a while. I do reccommend being upfront with him and not letting your guard down.
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Post by charbiedoll on Oct 21, 2008 4:40:14 GMT -5
I am definately a stonger person after all the crap I went through. It is nice to hear and get feedback from other "survivors" here who can understand me as much as possible. As I had said before I just cannot be the friends with someone that has caused me so much pain. Having the strength for that sometimes is extremely easy. I just have to think about me, a 6 mo. old and a 3yr old standing in what was my living room and watching him walk out the door.....leaving us no money for food, heat, or anything else so he could go be with his 25yr old gf. Those thoughts of reality come flooding back clear as day everytime he mentions the friends thing. He actually, sickens me. In that respect he makes me not wanting to know him very easy. Probably the only easy thing about this whole ordeal. Now hat he is alone I hope he can start to reflect on what he has done....and one thing for sure...I HOPE HE SUFFERS AS MUSH AS I HAVE!!! Again, I live with his wrath now eveyday of my life. Oh did I mention I dont have a life nemore. I am the unselfish one here and my kids come BEFORE anyone and anything....including ME! (I do take care of myself...thats a must!!)...wihout my kids..I just dont know where I would be for they have given me the strenghth I have needed to go on everyday!
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Post by rocko on Oct 21, 2008 10:31:49 GMT -5
In time you will feel better and as the kids get older you will have more time for yourself. Don't forget to give yourself a little me time whenever you can. Even if it is just a hot bath at the end of the day with a book.
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Post by sheyd on Oct 23, 2008 8:42:56 GMT -5
What you need to aim for is not so much "friends" as "co-parents". That doesn't require casual chatting about anything other than the kids. My ex and I sometimes have long friendly chats about behaviors the kids are doing, what we think it comes from and how we each handle it (sometimes differently, and that is ok too!)
We are more friendly than most (we did take a Disney vacation together, him and his wife and new baby, me and my boyfriend and our shared girls). That isn't necessary for good co-parenting though, and we are able to be more secure in it BECAUSE we have both moved on and have others in our life. Your ex hasn't acted like a good friend, and doesn't deserve a "friend" title. He doesn't need to know ANYTHING about your personal life unless it directly affects the kids. You don't need to know his either! You can co-parent effectively without ever getting into that!
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