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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 27, 2008 17:45:46 GMT -5
Okay, to some stuff that's on the board at the moment I guess this seems trivial. With all the stuff going on in my world right now, even the little things seem huge...
I am totally kicking myself at the moment. So, it's been 1 week since I've had anything to do with J (other than bad dreams that is). So, somewhere in the middle of the night, I woke up and realized that there was something very personal I needed to ask him a favor about. And, I realized that though I'd deleted his info, I still had that one last text I'd found that still had his number attached to it. I sat on it all morning and impulsivly this afternoon decided to text him. I guess my concern was more along, "If he really acted his age there at the end, I can only guess how immature he's acting in regards to some other things." So, I sent him a text. It was short and to the point. I expected no answer at all or at least nothing personal...Maybe just, "did it," or "done."
So I got two texts back...The 1st was telling me not to worry, he knew what I'd want done last week and it was already done. He told me how much he respected me and that he really hoped I knew that in my heart. He was promising me that he had already done what I had asked out of his respect for me. He then sent me a second text telling me that he doesn't have a problem with me at all and that he knows I am mad at him and totally understands why but he wanted to assure me he doesn't have a problem with me at all.
UGH! I just want to bang my head on a desk. How could I be so stupid?!?! Why on earth would I bother texting? I know it's because what I was asking him a favor about was something quite personal and that got to me still. I should have expected that maybe he wouldn't just give me a 1- or 2-word answer. My best friend reminded me that she's sure he's trying to get an answer back. It's like I am making sure I am keeping my hands busy so I can't text him again. I know I shouldn't. I hate being such an impulsive person!
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Post by redskyatnight on Oct 28, 2008 5:29:44 GMT -5
Keep sitting on your hands Hoodie. Is it possible that he is looking for your forgiveness?
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 28, 2008 10:18:42 GMT -5
It is possible... I fought with the urge to be just mean and send something...I fought with the urge to be reassuring and let him know I'm more mad at myself than him at this point...I wrestled with a lot of things I wanted to say. In the end, I knew opening lines of communication wouldn't do anyone any good and certainly not me. So, I left it. Seeking forgiveness or not, he's not getting an answer from me.  And, if he's seeking something, he can sit and wait because it isn't coming in the form he'll be hoping. I may forgive him but I'll do it within myself. I may not forgive him but I'll keep that to me as well...He wanted his own little world and he's got it.  |
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Post by JimB on Oct 28, 2008 10:35:23 GMT -5
Holla, girl - good discipline!  It's ok to write down all those things you think you want to tell him, though. Save them till tomorrow and then read them again and think how glad you are you stayed off the text buttons.  |
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Post by shattered on Oct 28, 2008 14:23:48 GMT -5
Hoodie, you weren't stupid.
It was a little slip-up in the no contact thing, that's it.
I agree with Jim.
I think you are handling this really well.
Hugs,
shattered
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 28, 2008 17:22:33 GMT -5
Thanks everyone...Man, it is really easy to get down on yourself when you feel like you really broke a rule you set for yourself!  JimB...The only problem with writing them down and saving them for the next day is that I find that I still want to say the same things...And, the next day, and the next day. I think there was a lot left unsaid and part of me wants to not turn into the ice b!tch and part does. So I have the internal struggle anyway. I know I'll reserve from saying it all and in the end, be thankful I didn't text him. Shattered, thanks hun. I needed to hear that too. I think most days I handle it well...Most... |
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blu
Full Member
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Post by blu on Oct 28, 2008 21:13:58 GMT -5
HP - you are doing well, very well. This hurt and angered you and wasted the time and energy you put out there for him...but believe me there is far more good for you to sit on it then sending anything.
Sounds like he is feeling guilty. My first response to his text to you is - how dare he!?! How dare he even ask you to make him feel better about being a jerk!?!
I agree write it down and hold on to it, heck refine it every day - make a total bitch version, make a you pathetic sap who never deserved my time version, make a forgiving version - do whatever feels good, but do not send it!! The longer you hold on to it and he does not contact you - the more irrelevant it will become and soon there is no point in sending it - but you will feel better.
I shared my versions last New Year's with friends about 10 times lol.
Hang in there you are doing well, one necessary text does not a weakness make! Just ask yourself what advice would you give any of us? Your best friend? Your daughter?
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Post by jules on Oct 28, 2008 22:34:23 GMT -5
Ok, maybe I'm missing something major, but I don't see what it is he did that was so wrong in this situation? Second text was unnecessary but seemed to be an attempt to "smooth things over" in his mind. Forget about it and move on.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 29, 2008 9:14:40 GMT -5
Ok, maybe I'm missing something major, but I don't see what it is he did that was so wrong in this situation? Second text was unnecessary but seemed to be an attempt to "smooth things over" in his mind. Forget about it and move on. I don't think so much of it is what he did wrong...This time. And, I am sure it was attempt to smooth things over which is not half-bad taking into account that I was the only one who had been trying to do that before because of our mutual friends and our being bound to be around eachother from time to time for them. It's more the matter of unresolved issues and me having a hard time just moving past. I am not trying to beat him up over what he's done, this is more my mere struggle with trying to keep my cool and leave it alone. Last time, he got to say his piece and I didn't so I am still bouncing around on the inside with all the, "I wish I could have said" things... |
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 29, 2008 9:18:00 GMT -5
Sounds like he is feeling guilty. My first response to his text to you is - how dare he!?! How dare he even ask you to make him feel better about being a jerk!?! And, yes, that was my other thought...Thank you. Hang in there you are doing well, one necessary text does not a weakness make! Just ask yourself what advice would you give any of us? Your best friend? Your daughter? Thank you. I really appreciate that! That will certainly give me something to think about. I am very conflicted at the moment and I think a lot of it comes from the fact that my closest friends (and the friends of his) are sure that he'll see the error in his ways at some point. I don't think so but have asked them to quit telling me because I don't want him to either. I think in the end, it would just come to the same result. Yet, part of me fears I wouldn't be strong enough to walk away should he try. So, the ice princess in me says be b!tchy so he won't bother. lol I know better. It is better to walk away, take the high road, and leave it at that. If he realizes he made a mistake, it's him that hurts, not me. |
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Post by amola on Oct 29, 2008 9:38:14 GMT -5
How could I be so stupid?!?! don't make me kick you.  you are not stupid, and you had better never refer to yourself like that again, k? i admit that i have really no clue what is going on in your life because i haven't been able to catch up on everything, but just from the bits and pieces that i've seen here, you are far from stupid. you are smart. you are strong. remember that. and if you call yourself stupid again, i'll drive out there and kick your butt.  |
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 29, 2008 12:48:07 GMT -5
Okay, you're right. I know I am not stupid, I just have stupid judgement sometimes. Thank you for the correction... lol |
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Post by crushy on Oct 30, 2008 4:37:41 GMT -5
Sounds like he is feeling guilty. My first response to his text to you is - how dare he!?! How dare he even ask you to make him feel better about being a jerk!?! I agree write it down and hold on to it, heck refine it every day - make a total bitch version, make a you pathetic sap who never deserved my time version, make a forgiving version - do whatever feels good, but do not send it!! The longer you hold on to it and he does not contact you - the more irrelevant it will become and soon there is no point in sending it - but you will feel better. blue is right, this is GREAT advice. HD, I can be impulsive too when it comes to my feelings, so I'm really impressed with your control and the fact you're posting here rather than texting with him. Crushy |
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Post by crushy on Oct 30, 2008 4:42:33 GMT -5
I am very conflicted at the moment and I think a lot of it comes from the fact that my closest friends (and the friends of his) are sure that he'll see the error in his ways at some point. I don't think so but have asked them to quit telling me because I don't want him to either. I think in the end, it would just come to the same result. HD, you're anything but stupid. I think this is a very healthy way to look at your situation. Perhaps this is another area his immaturity and you're being wise is evident. |
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And, if he's seeking something, he can sit and wait because it isn't coming in the form he'll be hoping. I may forgive him but I'll do it within myself. I may not forgive him but I'll keep that to me as well...He wanted his own little world and he's got it. 
