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Post by blueyes on Oct 27, 2008 21:06:29 GMT -5
hey everyone, i used to be on ojar and i miss it so much!!! when i first joined ojar, my boyfriend and i had just broken up after being together for 4 years. i was devastated and thought my world was going to end. since then, we have actually gotten back together...a years ago this month, and things have been great! even better than before, which i didn't think was possible. now, we are both going on 27. and we will be together for 6 years in a couple of months. and as a girl, knowing i have a "time clock" i have kinda been dropping hints or bringing up the subject of getting married and starting a family and he simply said he does not want that. that he loves me and wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want to get married. his parents had a bad marriage so his whole outlook on it is very negative. i love him with all my heart and cannot picture myself with anybody but him...but if we both want different things for the future, can it work?
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Post by kittenhart on Oct 27, 2008 21:42:42 GMT -5
i have kinda been dropping hints or bringing up the subject of getting married and starting a family and he simply said he does not want that...... if we both want different things for the future, can it work? People tell you their truth, if you really are willing to listen. Try to really listen to what he is saying....try not to read into things what you want them to be, or gloss over and minimize things he says or does that don't fit with your goals for the future. I learned the hard sad way that if you don't want the same things for the future, it doesn't work....maybe that was just my situation, but I doubt it. Sorry if this sounds kindof harsh...but I could have saved myself a decade at least, if I hadn't been patiently hopeful and waiting for him to find himself/grow up/ come to the realization that he wants what I want.....when I really should have been observant enough to see outright that it was never going to work unless I gave up everything that I want for the future.
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Post by blueyes on Oct 27, 2008 21:59:55 GMT -5
thanks for your response kittenhart.
when he and i first got together..he didn't even want a gf. then after a while we talked about it, and he said he never wanted to get married or have kids until he met me. but that he still didn't think it was something he wanted to do.
i feel kinda pathetic. i guess i just kept and keep on thinking that he will want what i want. everyone around us, couples who have been togther WAY less time than us, are married and having kids. and i keep thinking, "what's wrong with me?" i know all couples are different, but 6 years is a long time. but, that isn't fair of me to have him change what he wants, ya know?
ugh. i don't know.
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Post by JimB on Oct 28, 2008 8:14:23 GMT -5
First of all, I feel ya on the clock thing, but you're nowhere near the cutoff date. Some women say it's age 35, some say 40, but no one says it's 28. So it's important to separate your (perfectly natural) instincts from the way you think about your relationship.
That said, if you know a family is something you will want in your life, it's definitely time to start laying the groundwork. It could be something that he's resistant to at first, then starts coming around. Or it could be he's stubborn like me and still won't want kids when you're pushing 40.
IMO, in a situation like this, it's important to set your own goals. Determine what your ideal time frame is to have children, and how many you would want. Obviously these goals will be somewhat flexible due to the other person involved, but at least set up the basics in your mind. Then set goals relating to changing his attitude. If he's at 100% no today, perhaps you can get him to 70% no by July (for example). This may seem a little manipulative, but you're clearly going to have to "sell" him on this concept, and it sounds like it will take some time and effort.
You may reach a point where you have to choose between the man you love and having a family. It's never an easy choice, so the more you can come to grips with that possibility now, the more prepared for it you will be.
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