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Post by redskyatnight on Oct 29, 2008 19:14:36 GMT -5
All I can say is that I am so sorry for your pain right now.
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Post by JimB on Oct 30, 2008 8:10:54 GMT -5
I feel he was very unfair to me about many things, but I realize I, too, acted like an idiot. Like a child. WHY did I have to rant at him in the restaurant last night? WHY couldn't I just control myself? Control is all well and good, but we can't be completely under control at all times. A truly special relationship is one where you can give up control and trust that the other person will not take unfair advantage, and vice versa. So don't beat yourself up for overreacting - we've all done it, particularly at emotionally intense times. I agree with Mel that there's more going on with him than meets the eye, although I'll stop short of saying he hasn't been completely honest with you - it may be more that he's been too honest. I know you'll be looking within for answers in the next few days, but don't forget to assign him accountability where it's due. |
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Post by rocko on Oct 30, 2008 8:26:09 GMT -5
Your emotions have been put thru the ringer this week. If you lost control and ranted for a moment (or a few) that is okay. Even the most patient person can lose it from time to time.
When you are around someone who is constantly inconsistant it can wear on you. It can start to make you think that maybe it was you and not him. Eventually it wears you down.
Him holding one little rant against you while he is guilty of much worse is just insane.
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 9:04:00 GMT -5
Shey, (and Hoodie and Mel) I truly wish I could say the fun and romance were worth this pain, but to me, they are not. I had truly fallen in love with him and was just beginning to think that this might actually work out between us. So much happened between us these past two weeks -- so much emotional and physical intimacy, and it was really meangingful. It was by no means just a fun fling. I wish it had been. Hun, my first post-divorce relationship was the second most intense one of my life, my first being my first true love. It won't always be like this. Everything you're experiencing now is a function of the moment you're in, and the moment he's in. He's clearly not right for you in this moment, and if he's not Mr. Right Now, he can't be Mr. Right. I'm sure it's been meaningful and intimate in a lot of very good ways, but you don't have a personal quota of meaning and intimacy in your life. You can have more, and from better sources. I do honestly believe you have every right to pat yourself on the back for being able to see clearly that this isn't right for you. You're in a self-aware enough place that you're able to call his craziness into question, which in itself means you've made tremendous progress. Think how easy it would have been just to fall back into the old patterns.... You'll be back riding high again before you know it - you're too fabulous not to.  Thank you, JimB. |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 9:04:56 GMT -5
Hoodie and Mel,
You were my guardian angels last night.
Thank you.
Shattered
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 9:10:36 GMT -5
All I can say is that I am so sorry for your pain right now. Thank you, Redsky. |
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Post by hoodieprincess on Oct 30, 2008 9:17:36 GMT -5
Hoodie and Mel, You were my guardian angels last night. Thank you. Shattered I really felt so bad last night...I wished I could just reach through the phone and give you a hug!! I know this is hard and I know the next couple days will continue to be. Please know that I am here for you any time. I know we talked a lot last night and I really hope that I was able to say something that allowed you some comfort and I hope I said something that would make you think over the next few days. You will find your stregnth. It will take some time but it will come. And, I know that you are scared of going to this talk. Only you can be the judge if going is the right thing for you. Though it may end up a bit of a painful experience, I personally think it's not a bad idea to go. And, until then, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Do not overlook the chances where you got to see the real him, good and bad. Use that to try and seperate some of the emotion and put things into perspective. Try to look at it with your eyes wide open and unclouded. And, in the end, know that you can always call me. |
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Post by jules on Oct 30, 2008 9:20:10 GMT -5
Shattered, I am so, so sorry for your pain right now, but I'm even more proud of you for making a rational decision about what is good for you as a person, despite it breaking your heart to make such a decision. I need to learn how to do that myself (and haven't quite yet figured out how to stick with a decision made by my head, rather than reverting back to listening irrationally to my heart), so I know how hard it can be. You've really inspired me in this regard.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Oct 30, 2008 9:26:30 GMT -5
Hoodie and Mel, You were my guardian angels last night. Thank you. Shattered I really felt so bad last night...I wished I could just reach through the phone and give you a hug!! Oh me too!!! It was so good to hear your voice hun. Somewhere between the laughter and the tears, I saw your strength.  I know that you will feel on eggshells till the park meeting, just remember as hoodie said, we are only a phone call away. Anytime. |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 9:28:36 GMT -5
I feel he was very unfair to me about many things, but I realize I, too, acted like an idiot. Like a child. WHY did I have to rant at him in the restaurant last night? WHY couldn't I just control myself? Control is all well and good, but we can't be completely under control at all times. A truly special relationship is one where you can give up control and trust that the other person will not take unfair advantage, and vice versa. So don't beat yourself up for overreacting - we've all done it, particularly at emotionally intense times. I agree with Mel that there's more going on with him than meets the eye, although I'll stop short of saying he hasn't been completely honest with you - it may be more that he's been too honest. I know you'll be looking within for answers in the next few days, but don't forget to assign him accountability where it's due. Can you be more specific about what you suspect is going on with him that is more than meets the eye? |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 9:37:03 GMT -5
Your emotions have been put thru the ringer this week. If you lost control and ranted for a moment (or a few) that is okay. Even the most patient person can lose it from time to time. When you are around someone who is constantly inconsistant it can wear on you. It can start to make you think that maybe it was you and not him. Eventually it wears you down. Him holding one little rant against you while he is guilty of much worse is just insane. Thank you, Rocko. Part of me feels that way, too. In all fairness, I have to say, though, that my rant was not little, and it was not the only one (though it was the only one in public). |
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Post by shattered on Oct 30, 2008 9:40:03 GMT -5
Shattered, I am so, so sorry for your pain right now, but I'm even more proud of you for making a rational decision about what is good for you as a person, despite it breaking your heart to make such a decision. I need to learn how to do that myself (and haven't quite yet figured out how to stick with a decision made by my head, rather than reverting back to listening irrationally to my heart), so I know how hard it can be. You've really inspired me in this regard. Thank you so much -- but you must tell me what the decision is that I made. I just hung in there, miserable, until HE made the decision to leave. What is it that I did right??? |
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Post by jules on Oct 30, 2008 10:00:00 GMT -5
Because: This (just one of many examples of what happened last night) shows me that my mother was right: There is something wrong with his mental faculties. He doesn't *intend* to be an asshole. He doesn't *think* he is acting crazy -- but that doesn't make his actions any less crazy!! He is like a little child. [...] So, he is either acting in bad faith, or an imbicile. I think it's the latter. I know now this can never work and I am heartbroken and dismayed beyond words. Remember, this is a decision you came to before he left. He likely ran away because he sensed that you knew the jig was up. You were also the one who initiated a meeting for closure purposes, rather than just letting emotions hang in the air, unresolved. You are more in control than I think you even realize. And for that, I am proud of you and inspired by you. |
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Post by freckles on Oct 30, 2008 10:19:30 GMT -5
He just called me. He said he took his stuff from my place today and is not coming over tonight. He says he feels trapped -- that I won't let him see his family. Said he needs time, and he'll call me in a few days. He was self-righteous and kept saying some unfair things, but this time he was not yelling, he spoke calmly and mostly respectfully. He said that my ranting at him last night in a restaurant (which I did, and which is utterly stinky, I know, but I was so horrified by how he had treated me and acted, that I just flipped, no excuse but that's the reason) made him so uncomfortable and that he needs time to be alone. I said fine, I understand. I was calm. I did not cry. I said I was sorry for how I acted last night, but I need him to understand that he also owes me an apology for how he acted -- the yelling, the accusations, the mixed messages, etc. He said he had no clue what I was talking about that he ever accused me of anything etc. He said if he knew that I would act like this he never would have come. I said that i will give him a few days, but that we need to fix a time to talk. That I can't just wait around with no idea when he will call me. So we agreed on Saturday afternoon. Then he said we would talk only by phone. I said that I'm not forcing him to talk again, but if we do, it needs to be in person, not by phone. He said OK. Then he said it has to be a coffee shop, because talking in my apartment would be unfair to him. I said I simply cannot have such an important, possibly very painful, conversation on a little stool surrounded by total strangers. I suggested meeting on a bench in a nearby park and he agreed. I knew this was coming. I KNEW it. Still, I am in shock. I can't believe it. I feel he was very unfair to me about many things, but I realize I, too, acted like an idiot. Like a child. WHY did I have to rant at him in the restaurant last night? WHY couldn't I just control myself? I am going home now. I want to be home when the shock wears off and the tears start flowing. I am dreading going into my bedroom and seeing the bed where we made love. That could be some of it. Dr Laura Slessenger tells about that all the Time That Women want Men to act like Women act They cant act like a Woman acts Because they are a Man If He wanted to be in the USA He would be on the phone to the Lawyers and working on that Big Time (Men like to Fix things) He was Testing You to see if He liked You and how you acted THEN He would call the Lawyer, and come Hell or High Water , he would be with you. You wanting to Fight in a Public Place is you wanting to be Mean - your feminist side that wants to put him down (Men dont want to Fight with Women , In a Public Place you want to have a Argument, where he will look Bad, because to Fight with a Woman is very Bad, that is what we are tought since we wre born, by our Parents. That would be a Deal Breaker for me. Look back at the 60's the 70's When the Woman would do the Talking and all the Emotional things - Birthday/Holidays/Cooking/Caring/Loving And the Man would Work and Fix things Dr Laura says it better than I can. She has a Web Page |
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Post by freckles on Oct 30, 2008 10:24:41 GMT -5
P.S.
When my Marrage was at the Worst, I would Drive home Slow, I would sit in the Back Yard, I would try to stay away from ExWife
NOT, Because I did Not Love Her
Because, I did not want to Fight with her
Dr Laura says Women think, when a Man does that He is trying to Seperate from Her Emotionaly / etc
No
He does not want to Fight with Her
Because Men dont Fight with Women
It's just not something Men do
(Boys fight with Women, Not Men)
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