My Story--Once and For all

[comeawayfromit]

Well I'm glad that we have this forum because I'm quite frankly sick of talking to my friends and family about this. They really do not understand and their only solution to my problem is to "not talk to him." Pat and I dated for 8 yrs. We lived together for about 5 of those years and back in June he broke up with my seemingly out of the blue. We always had a passionate relationship (crazy fights, hot sex). We are very alike and the month of May was tough for us because he was going to be gone for much of it due to weddings he was in and commitments. I felt lonely and lashed out blah blah. He went to a wedding he was standing up in and I didn't go to it because I didn't like the bride and never have. While there he met someone and corresponded with her for the last month of our relationship. They are now an item. She lives in another state but they commute. Well the first few months of our breakup we still saw each other all the time and continued sleeping together. He told me it was extremely important that we remain friends and that if any of his future girlfriends told him they didn't like it, they'd be kicked to the curb. Well our contact kind've became sporadic because he was spending more time with her. THe last big thing I did was fly out to Pittsburgh to attend and sing at his dad's funeral in August. While there, we acted as a couple and he introduced me as his girlfriend because in his words "You mean more to me than just a friend." Fine. So he has suffered from depression/anxiety his whole life and our problems seem to have begun when his dad got sick. He is going to be 29 in a couple days and is talking about picking up and moving to NY to become an actor. And of course I'm old news. I'm not going to go into all the things we've been through and how I thought it was great. He freely admits that the last 2 months of our relationship are what ruined us. The other day I went snooping and found his girlfriend's Facebook page in which she narrates her every move. I saw how often she's come up to Chicago to visit him and it killed me. I texted him and told him and he invited me over and was all mushy with me and we wound up sleeping together. He cheated on her with me. Now his plan is not to tell her and try to move forward with her. He was telling me that night how he missed me and "thinks of me all the time." He held me so tight and just stroked my hair. I had some hope then. But last night we talked and he told me that because I was "digging for information," it made him realize that I'm not any closer to getting over him and it made him sick that I looked for info. He really wanted to keep her identity from me. We had a conversation and he basically used that as his excuse to jettision me from his life. I know the truth which is that having me around would make him feel guilty with his new girl because he cheated and I'm apparently the harlot that made him do it. So we basically told each other in a nice way to have a nice life and reminisced about our past and laughed/talked, etc. So now he's gone. I've turned my cell off cuz I don't want to have to tell everyone that my mistake of Saturday night is not going to turn into anything. I don't want a relationship right now besides him since I've got lots going on. I feel numb. I mean I cried last night after we got off the phone. He lied when he said it was oh so important to keep me in his life. His birthday is tomorrow and I'm still debating whether to give him the card I bought or not. I'd like to mail it but today is a holiday and it wont' reach him in time. Maybe I'll put it on his car. I guess I'm on this board for support and insight. I am hopeful he'll miss me some day cuz I'm absolutely certain we were made for each other. I dont' wholly understand why he seduced me the other night only to be all contrite about it the next day. He says it's cuz he was in such shock that I'd found out so much about his current girlfriend and apparently responded by being affectionate and we wound up in bed. I don't regret but a part of me knew it'd be the last we'd see of each other if he stayed with her. The funny thing is from all my research on her various web blogs/pages, they are complete opposites. She hates smokers, hates violent films, etc etc. Pat and I are two halves of the same whole. We are so alike and I thought that would be enough. Apparently not. Well I'm done ranting about it. Just sad is all.

[crushy]

From my personal experience with my ex-husband and from being divorced for almost 5 yrs, the cheater generally does regret their actions at one point. I mean, look at him, he left you for her, cheated on her with you and back to her?

Sounds like he's not mature or stable enough for a real relationship...just be glad you found out before marrying him or having his child.

I was with my ex for 7 yrs, married 15, 2 sons, he married her 4 wks after our divorce was final and within 5 mos was calling me telling me he wished he could 'turn back the clock'. Now we're fighting in court.

See what I mean about being glad it didn't go further? I know your pain is real and I'm not trying to minimize it, I'm just suggesting eventually, you will look back and be glad he revealed what he was capable of before too much damage was done.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

Crushy

[jules]

I know you don't want to hear this, but your friends' and family's advice is the best advice you can get on this matter. Don't talk to him. Don't contact him. Refuse contact from him. The longer you prolong it, the longer it will take for you to move on with your life. It will be harder, much harder, in the short run, but in the long run it will make it much easier on yourself.

[Mod (PQ-Kermie)]

Sounds to me like the whole "cake and eat it too" thing going on. Best advice was given above.. cut contact and move on with life. Sounds pretty harsh and probably something you can't conceive of doing but it's something you have to do. One thing really struck me in your writing.. the whole we were meant to be together thing. If that were the case there would be no other.. with you or with him. He chose his way out, you have had to deal with the repercussions. There is no easy way out of your pain right now and no words that will calm your anger and pain. Time will heal those things and make you look back upon these years as only a faint memory. True love and fate does not waiver or fade.. only grows stronger with time.. and your time will come.

[comeawayfromit]

Yes I know and I'm trying to move on with my life. I just keep wondering why he would say some of the things he's said to me. I mean I want him to feel remorse for the stuff he did to me. He "emotionally" cheated on me with her because apparently I was riding him too hard. I don't wholly believe that was the only reason and I don't feel that I'm all to blame. Of course there were too people in our relationship both of whom are responsible for it. I mean even the day after we broke up, he apparently called me to tell me he was wrong to do it and that he wanted to be with me but of course I didn't pick up and when I did it was a fight. I just don't get it. I do believe in soulmates and I don't wanna settle for second best. I'm not saying that I'm not trying to move on but I don't necessarily think that means going out and screwing someone else. He's doing it but that's his perogative. Moreover, he's really not one of those screw two women at once types. I know this cuz like I said before we grew up together. There's a part of me that thinks he needs to sow some oats and then maybe he'll regret what he did to me. Hell, I know he regrets it. When we saw each other the other day I told him that he'll probably regret what he did and want me again and he agreed! I don't believe that I should have to wait around, but I also don't wanna lose my chance of being with the person I know is right for me. I truly believe he's going thru an early mid-life crisis thing (my doctor even told me that) and is deliberately dating someone from out of town so he's not tied down. I just don't buy his whole "I was in shock you found out about who she is so that's why I seduced you." No, I'd like a better explanation for that. If it's that he's trying to keep me around, well fine. Now it's a total mess. I gave him a card for his birthday today and he texted me and thanked me and said the gift card I bought would get used. I didn't respond. My birthday happened after we broke up and he came to my house with a card so I thought it only fair. Of course now he's probably pissed cuz I "broke the agreement" that we wouldn't talk anymore. He apparently can't deal with the guilt. Oh man, I'm obsessing a little bit here so I'd better stop. I get too analytical sometimes.

[blu]

I know this is really hard to hear....but he did not value you enough after 8 years to not cheat on you. Now he is asking you to cover for more cheatign and bad behavior on his part so it does not hurt the other woman???

I know it is hard but you ahve to go no contact and soon you will gain the perspective that will help you continue without this cad in your life. He is no friend of yours!!

Hugs!

Blu

[rocko]

Someone who repeatedly cheats like that isn't someone that knows how to love another person at least not how I expect to be loved.

[c]

Sorry I couldn't read everything start to finish. I have a hard time getting thru long posts that dicuss true loss and pains of te heart. I could be wrong but the purpose of this board is primarily for this, and PQ's words sum up the best advice I'd offer.

Nov 11, 2008 23:44:14 GMT -5 Mod (PQ-Kermie) said:

Sounds to me like the whole "cake and eat it too" thing going on. Best advice was given above.. cut contact and move on with life. Sounds pretty harsh and probably something you can't conceive of doing but it's something you have to do. One thing really struck me in your writing.. the whole we were meant to be together thing. If that were the case there would be no other.. with you or with him. He chose his way out, you have had to deal with the repercussions. There is no easy way out of your pain right now and no words that will calm your anger and pain. Time will heal those things and make you look back upon these years as only a faint memory. True love and fate does not waiver or fade.. only grows stronger with time.. and your time will come.

Just had to post it again cause it's all true.

[comeawayfromit]

See I can't listen to it about the repeated cheating cuz I was that person. When Pat and I first got together, I used him as my back door man until I could figure out a way to break up with my boyfriend of 6 years. So he was the "other man" in my life. He fell in love with me and I still wouldn't leave my ex until one day I realized I would rather be with Pat than anyone. Ultimately, our relationship began with cheating and ended that way. We had 8 good years of no cheating and happiness but I turned into a shrew. He responded accordingly. Don't get me wrong. There's no excuse for emotional or physical cheating. But I hurt him throughout our relationship. Before we were together, we were good friends and I would call him and tell him of my conquests not realizing he was in love with me. When he finally told me, I still didn't act on it. I have hurt him immeasureably and yet somehow after all this, we still would up together. It's hard to describe but he's not some gigolo or cheating type. yes he emotionally cheated, but the way I treated him in the last few months of our relationship was pretty bad. I was depressed and didn't know it so I would never get ready for the day, all I wanted to do was stay at home. He would always invite me to go out and I never would. The sex stopped (which was a big deal cuz we were always excellent in that department) and he repeatedly warned me that he was reaching a breaking point. I didn't take it seriously. I was too comfortable. Finally, the last straw was when I refused him after we had already taken a break for a couple days. When I came back home, he approached me sexually and I gave him some excuse. To him it was the last straw. I want people to be honest with me. yes he's done me wrong, but I am no saint either. I hurt him for years before we were even together. He told me he was in love with me and I asked him to go to a party so I could see my ex! And then I left him alone at the party and he wound up having to drive my car home cuz I wanted to party more with my ex. The point is that thru all this baggage we've created together, we surpassed it. We wound up bigger and better and ready to do anything. And now it's all over and I hate the fact that I could have saved this relationship if I'd only taken his concerns seriously.

[comeawayfromit]

Also, sometimes when people are together and in love, they have to go out and see what else is out there first to be sure it's what they want. How do you think the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette Party idea got started? It's your last gasp as a single person so you get strippers or do things you wouldn't normally do cuz you're in a relationship. I think of it that way. If he doesn't come back and I meet someone, great. But I think he's out there screwing around now cuz he's a man and has never done it before. I know a woman who was with her man for 6 years, they broke up, saw other people for 10 YEARS. They recently found each other again and are getting married. I believe in that. Everyone is different. Sometimes love doesn't work the first time around. I work with a woman who married and divorced her husband twice. They are married now. It's not all black and white in my opinion. Often when people break up, they get back together. I'm not sure that'll happen with me, but I do hold some hope for it. We've never not talked since our breakup longer than a week. Literally, the week was up and the following day he called. It shows me that he has no clue what it's like to be without me. I know everyone on here is probably shaking their head in sadness for the way I am looking at this, but it's not like I'd be doing anything differently anyway. I still go out, am on match.com and am dating. But there's a small piece of me that still holds out hope.

[JimB]

I'm shaking my head, but mostly because I can't believe you're trying to excuse his unacceptable behavior by detailing your own unacceptable behavior. So none of us is without sin - big deal. If his behavior is acceptable to you, justify it however you like and continue to accept it. If it isn't, move on.

Incidentally, it's not really a positive thing that you're out dating again on the heels of such a traumatic breakup. It just means you're in a rut - a pattern of behavior in which you try to ease your pain through romance. It's the rut that caused you to cheat in the first place. Perhaps if you spend some time alone, you can establish some new, more satisfying ways of coping with pain. Fringe benefit: such changes might improve your self-esteem to the point where you no longer feel the need to justify the actions of others by bringing up your own history of poor decisions.

[c]

Sometimes knowing the right thing, being told the right thing and doing the right thing, although good for you, isn't the option most people choose. I maybe crude with some of the things I say, but it's only because tomorrow is never guaranteed for anyone. I choose to suffer as little as possible while I'm here on this earth.

I always say "get layed". I get hammered for it cause it's not the ideal way to handle a breakup and loss of a Lover. Anyway you may not be ready for a new relationship, but we all hear misery loves company. If you got hurt real bad physically a Doctor would give you something to help ease the pain. Yeah yeah what you most likely will get is addictive and has the potential to do more harm then good if abused. But the alternative is sometimes too agonizing to willingly subject yourself to. For me it was.

[amola]

jim nailed it on the head. the only thing that i was thinking through reading all of this is "how many excuses can she make for his behavior?" you've got to stop that. you are not responsible for his actions. nothing that you could do would justify him cheating, just like nothing that he could do would justify you cheating. you are responsible for your actions. he is responsible for his.

personally, i think that the best thing to do at this point is to just back off and take some time out. don't get into another relationship, because there's no way that you're ready. don't get back into the relationship with pat, because to me it's just toxic right now. take some time out for yourself and figure out what you really want out of a relationship.

and really listen to what people are saying on here - we've all been through some pretty nasty crap, and although i can guarantee that you're going to sit there and say "they don't know what they're talking about" trust me, we do. otherwise, we wouldn't be here.

[rocko]

Maybe you were depressed because he was cheating on you.

Now he has not only cheated on you, but also cheating on her with you.

[sheyd]

You know what, you want to hold out hope - you go for it. I sounded exactly like you at 19 about my ex-bf (who actually never cheated or did anything wrong, just couldn't take my childishness anymore). Even for awhile after I got MARRIED I was thinking this guy and I were "soul-mates". You know what - it never hurt me or anyone else for me to think that - it even helped me.

I did what you did - I got upset and angry when he first broke up, then I started just loathing myself. I realized all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed as a gf. Then I recalled that "soul-mate" hope. It made me realize if I ever hoped to be worthy of him, I had to work on myself. I had to become self-aware, I had to make permanent lasting changes. I had to be on guard the rest of my life for the selfishness that led me to act that way. I obviously still kept my eyes open to others (even if I reserved a tiny piece of my heart they couldn't have) and moved on in life.

Now - use that hope to make those lasting changes in yourself. Get to where you no longer beat yourself up for past mistakes, because whatever you did back then, you are truly TRYING now - and even if you make mistakes now (and you will, you are human) you did the best you could at the time. Truly appreciate the changes you make, appreciate YOURSELF for your efforts. When you get there, you will be worthy of a soul-mate.

When you get there... realize that that soul-mate ALSO has to be worthy of you. And... there is more than one soul-mate out there. I think of it like... we have a million pins sticking up, each one representing a specific preference or best way of matching. No one can meet all million pins exactly right, but some hit A LOT more than others - sometimes in unexpected ways. Those people are "soul-mates". A different soul-mate than him may not have the same places that touch you - maybe not even ONE pin that matches the same, but instead has other areas that match, maybe even areas in you that are currently unexplored. Stay open to that possibility.

So... keep that hope - but use it productively. Keep your eyes open to the possibilities. Work on yourself. Believe in yourself and your worth.