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Post by finding on Nov 15, 2008 19:30:03 GMT -5
My oldest boy will be 11 next week. I signed him up for the basketball skills program through the local Special Olympics chapter. He is a bright, wonderful, beautiful boy with so much to offer, what his father did to him and didn't provide for him broke me today.
We get there, and I realize just how much of a positive role model he has been lacking his entire life. Every child there had their father right at their side and was participating all the way. B doesn't even know how to dribble a basketball or shoot a basket at 11. I've been so busy trying to provide the basics for them that I missed something seemingly so small.
B had a wonderful time and absorbed soooooooooo much. A very kind man stepped in, taught B how to pass the ball, and took B under his wing. I am thankful for that, but at the same time so angry that his father could never see past himself and step up to the plate and be the man these kids deserve.
Everyone always talks about how his actions hurt his sister, but today I saw first hand how they hurt our son.
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Post by crushy on Nov 15, 2008 19:45:45 GMT -5
finding ~
Sounds like you have one very lucky son. Did he make the team or is it a community team? Baseball was great for my youngest, I was a little bummed when he decided not to play this year.
I know how such hurts the heart. Take it easy on yourself, you can't be everywhere and everthing at once. I know all too well how it feels to fall short because I'm just trying to cover the bases.
Will his dad come and watch him play? I hope so...
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Post by finding on Nov 15, 2008 19:56:13 GMT -5
It is a community program.
His dad took the coward's way out about 18 months ago after he screwed up everyone's life and started to have to pay the consequences. Even if he was still alive he wouldn't be in the picture. One of the last things he told our son is "Why aren't you normal". He was ashamed and couldn't see past the autism to see what is in this little boy's heart. I don't know if B can ever forgive him for the things his father did, at this point I don't know if I can either.
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Post by freckles on Nov 15, 2008 20:04:33 GMT -5
Does he have a Uncle or Cousen that could help?
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Post by AngelBaby on Nov 15, 2008 20:17:27 GMT -5
Finding~
I wish I knew what exactly to say to you. B is VERY lucky to have such an awesome mom, as well as R and J. You have done SUCH a good job with them, and they love you SO much.....you can just tell.
I still can't believe it's been 18 months.....that's crazy.....I still remember the night you called me about what had happened.....I'm still in shock over the whole thing.
Know if you ever need me, I am here for you. You can call anytime, day or night.
Thinking of you and the kids.....
AB
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Post by crushy on Nov 15, 2008 20:45:21 GMT -5
Oh, what his dad said is just sickening. Remind me, what your user name was before? You're in the desert, is that right? I hope being on a team will give him a sense of belonging and loyalty. Does he go to school with these kids? Give yourself some credit, finding. You are a single mom with tons on your plate and you are doing what is best for your son. I think you're an awesome mom. How old is your youngest? Just the two or is there another one? I can't keep everyone straight, especially when names change.  I know you're worried, but you're doing everything you can for him. It just sucks what his dad said to him, but you can't erase that. You are doing everything you can to help him build his esteem. The guy that was there...will he be at the practices and games? Assuming he's not on the sex offender list, it sounds like he was good to your son. Did he have a son trying out? He's not a coach or anything? What about his sister? I'm crossing my fingers for you. Be kind to yourself. You've been to hell and back several times, but you don't need me to remind you of that.  |
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Post by finding on Nov 15, 2008 22:00:03 GMT -5
Oh, what his dad said is just sickening. Remind me, what your user name was before? You're in the desert, is that right? Way back in the day I was startingover. We moved to AZ just over a year ago. It is all a volunteer thing through Special Olympics, everyone there is a parent. Something amazing just happened. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He was supposed to come over tonight, but something came up. While on the phone he finally broke through this wall (after the kid's dad I am very vulnerable when it comes to the kids) and got me to tell him what has been bothering me all day. He told me that he had wanted to go with us today, but hadn't said anything because he knew he couldn't and he wants to go with us next week. This wonderful man is choosing to be involved when his own father couldn't be bothered. |
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Post by hoodieprincess on Nov 17, 2008 10:29:56 GMT -5
Finding~
I read this post and it nearly brought me to tears. I really feel your pain. On one hand, I am fairly lucky that my son gets to see his dad still. It is often times 5-6 months in between however. It breaks my heart to know my son has NO male figure to be that man either. I realized a couple weeks ago how bad it had gotten when I'd gone to my married friend's house. T does amazing with other kids and interacts well with older women as well. When it comes to men, he's shy. He's unsure. He doesn't have anyone to fill that void. As much as I try, I am still just the mommy. I am VERY lucky that my friend's husband feels my pain and adores my son. We don't see them often but him and my friend have talked several times that he understands what a struggle it must be for me and for T both. He stated that is why when I am there, he kind of tries to step in and help back me up when T is being a handful. He wants T to see that men can do that. And he tries to spend some extra time just hanging out doing boy stuff with T...Be it just watch some tv, play video games, etc. When we were there a few weeks ago, he'd had a friend of his over that I've also known since high school. So M made the suggestion that my friend and I go out dancing or to a movie or something because I needed a break from pulling 24/7 mommy duty and I needed some time to get dolled up and just be a carefree woman! And, in that, he said that he would babysit T and their own kids (all girls). He knew the girls would go do their thing and him and his friend would keep T occupied. I can't tell you how much my heart swelled when we got home. M & T had fallen asleep on the couch watching tv. M had sent the girls to bed early and told T he could stay up for some guy bonding. They were teaching T to throw darts, they played video games and in the end, just hung out. T has talked about it like crazy even a month later.
It is a very rare occurrence he gets that time. It breaks my heart and yet I can't help but totally cherish the moments he gets someone to take the time to try and show him what adult male role models can be.
It is so hard to be the mommy and make sure all the bases are covered. I can relate all too well to what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so glad your boyfriend is trying to help fill the void that your ex left. He did take the cowards way and I can't imagine the pain it's caused you all. He missed an amazing gift by not seeing through to the heart of such an amazing little boy. I know your son suffers because of that but in the end, it's your ex's loss.
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trip
Junior Member
Posts: 62
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Post by trip on Nov 17, 2008 12:06:17 GMT -5
My dad wasnt around when I was growing up either. My parents didnt divorce until I was 15, but dad was gone mostly due to his work schedule. As a kid, I didnt really notice anything different. It was always like that and I thought it was normal. My neighbor taught me how to shoot b-ball, ride a bike and basically everything else. Looking back, I cant understand why my father would not be ashamed having another man teach his little boy all of the things I cannot wait to do as a father.
It made me a stronger person in the end. I realized that what I thought was normal earlier in my life, was not so normal after all. But it taught me to be more sensitive to others around me, particularly women (my wife) and children (my kids some day soon).
Would I like to have those days back to enjoy with my father? Most definately. Would I trade the lessons I learned for those moments? NO WAY. I really developed morals and values that I am proud of from the lack of a fatherly figure.
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Post by JimB on Nov 17, 2008 13:54:33 GMT -5
It's not good that your son doesn't have a father figure, and it's great that your bf is willing to step into that role to some degree.
But trip brings up a good point, in that there are plenty of boys without father figures that still turn out ok. Sure, it would be a great thing if he had that strong father figure. But the reality of the situation is he will have to settle for whatever you and the other people you allow into his life can provide. And honestly, there's no reason he needs to know that anything is missing.
I just hope you're able to be happy for all your son has in his life. For every example you can find of situations where having his father around would be a good thing, I bet you can find two examples of situations in which he's better off without him. Focusing on things that are missing is a sure path to unhappiness, in my experience.
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Post by finding on Nov 17, 2008 19:38:23 GMT -5
I just hope you're able to be happy for all your son has in his life. For every example you can find of situations where having his father around would be a good thing, I bet you can find two examples of situations in which he's better off without him. Focusing on things that are missing is a sure path to unhappiness, in my experience. I agree completely, and as awful as it sounds, these kids are so much better off without him in their lives in any capacity. I know he loved them in his own way, and I hoped one day he would wake up and get it, but I knew he never would. I cherish these kids and am thankful everyday for what they bring to my life. I am very lucky in that I have three beautiful children who bring me so much joy and would lay down my own life for. They deserve so much more than what they have been given. |
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LgHawaiian
New Member
Everything You Want
Posts: 21
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Post by LgHawaiian on Nov 17, 2008 21:56:40 GMT -5
Finding, remember that those kids are lucky to have you as well. You who bring them so much joy. The fact that you're willing to work with him and help him grow by taking him to a SO program means you have what it takes to raise him into the person you see him becoming.
Have you looked into any local mentoring groups like Big Brothers/Sisters? Maybe the local SO chapter has some references you could look in to. A lot of good late-teens to early-twenties kids volunteer for stuff like that. I was a Big Brother when I was 19, it was a great experience.
Good luck to you!
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Post by rocko on Nov 18, 2008 9:14:30 GMT -5
I was a Big Sister in the BBBS when I was 19. I had a wonderful time, my little brother taught me a lot and I was able to help him with school work that his parents could not help him with.
Just extra attention for the children from someone who doesn't have to be discipline them is a great resource. It gives them more self confidence. My little brother brought his grades up from Cs, Ds and Fs to As and Bs because he wanted me to be soooo proud of him.
I met him at the school library for 30 minutes a week.
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Post by redskyatnight on Nov 18, 2008 9:53:48 GMT -5
Finding-You are doing a fabulous job with your kids and they are dang lucky to have someone who is involved and cares about them.
I know because I worked with adults with developmental disabilities for 7 years. Many families just abandon their children because they can't handle it. Some were left in State Hospitals, one girl lived the back of a station wagon, some entered the system and their guardians just disappeared.
Your boys have a home and consistency, its not ideal, but they are lucky to have you and anything you can do for them is a bonus.
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Post by rocko on Nov 18, 2008 9:57:12 GMT -5
Finding-You are doing a fabulous job with your kids and they are dang lucky to have someone who is involved and cares about them. Your boys have a home and consistency, its not ideal, but they are lucky to have you and anything you can do for them is a bonus. Ditto |
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