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Post by rocko on Nov 19, 2008 16:25:43 GMT -5
He Cheated: Do You Take Him Back or Dump Him?Admit it. Right after the shock of finding out that John Edwards had betrayed his wife with another woman, your first thought was, “Would I take my guy back if he did that?” While your knee-jerk reaction is probably to send him packing, experts say there are some situations in which he just might deserve a second chance. Read on to find out when to forgive and forget, and when you should just forget him. Buzz up! By Zoe Ruderman Right Before a Major TransitionMoving in together or getting engaged are relationship landmarks that are supposed to cement your bond. But the reality is, many guys react to these big steps by taking a step back and straying. “When a man feels his sense of freedom slipping away, he may cheat,” explains Scott Kudia, PhD, author of If This is Love, Why Am I Unhappy? “It’s very common for a normally faithful guy to panic and do something stupid before some sort of commitment.” Strangely enough, his actions often signify that he’s serious about his future with you. “The reason he cheated to begin with is that he believes you two are going to be together for a long time,” says Kudia. “He views it as his one last hurrah.” This isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card, though. Make him apologize and grovel. Then move on, knowing that this type of cheater usually doesn’t slip up more than once. He Fesses Up ASAPOf all the ways a woman can discover a philanderer, one of the least common is hearing it from the horse’s mouth. “Guys almost always keep these sorts of things a secret,” says Kudia. “The fact that he’s confessing is a huge sign. And a very good sign. View it as a cry for help.” He doesn’t want to do it again, and his way of ensuring that is by getting you to lay down the law. So, play police officer, girl. Set some guidelines and — this is important — enforce them. If he’s distraught enough over the hook-up to spill, the guy probably values you and the relationship enough to make it work. It’s a Total AberrationWe’re going to put this bluntly, so put on your big-girl pants: The guy who’s perfect for you might cheat on you. Yes, even the most amazing, flower-sending, call-returning, make-your-friends-jealous boyfriends have been known to stray. “Slip-ups happen, but the good news is that when they truly are slip-ups, they’re survivable,” says William July, PhD, author of Confessions of an Ex Bachelor. In order to salvage your twosome, it’s important to resist the urge to get revenge, make him angry, or get anxious every time he doesn’t call, according to July. If you’re capable of forgiving him and moving on, do just that. After all, it was a mistake, not his relationship MO. Bottom line: give the boy a second chance. As long as he doesn’t do it again (ever, ever, ever) and he goes back to being that practically perfect boyfriend, don’t you think he’s worth it? We do. He’s Going Through a Tough TimeYou know how when you feel stressed, you deal by watching trashy TV with a pint of Ben & Jerry's? Or surrounding yourself with 17 of your closest friends? Well, some men handle it by straying. “Guys are more likely to cheat when under great stress, because they have fewer tools in their emotional tool belt,” says July. “Their self-expression is often limited to anger and sex.” It sounds a bit counterintuitive, but if things are going well between you two, he is more likely to hook up with another woman when things get rough in other parts of his life. The reason? “He may not want to burden you with his problems,” explains Kudia. Ensure that it’s a one-time occurrence by letting him know two things: 1) You won’t judge him or think less of him if he gets fired or screws up at work or does anything else that threatens his ego. And 2) If he does it again, it’s O-V-E-R. He was Drunk and It Wasn’t EmotionalAh yes, the “It Doesn’t Count if I Was in a Different Country/Zip Code/Bar” excuse. He takes a few too many shots, temporarily forgets he is attached, and makes out with whatever girl is at arm’s length in the bar. Not cool. But also, not the worst thing that can happen. “This type of guy is immature, but he’s not necessarily an innate cheater,” explains Kudia. And luckily for you, most boys grow out of immaturity (whereas a natural-born cheater will seldom change his ways.) “Many young, college-age men don’t understand the importance of a relationship,” says Kudia. “They take their girlfriends for granted until something catastrophic happens.” When catastrophe strikes, be hard on him and tell him you won’t stick around if he doesn’t shape up and grow up. Most of the time, a healthy dose of reality is enough to straighten out an “immature cheater.” Break it Off! Five times to kick a cheater to the curb.He got it on with an ex. Going back for seconds with an old girlfriend could mean he wants to get back together with her. It was a full-fledged affair. Text messages. Secret email account. "Business" trips. This is not a slip-up. It's a double life. He didn't apologize. We're not suggesting flowers and groveling will get him off the hook. But a total lack of remorse means he just doesn't care. You two just started dating. The beginning of a relationship is when people show their best selves. If this is his best, you deserve better. He's a repeat offender. A serial strayer is unlikely to change his was. Don't waste your time trying. www.cosmopolitan.com/syndication/he-cheated-now-what?src=syn&mag=cos&dom=yah_personals&con=art&link=rel&ha=1
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Post by freckles on Nov 19, 2008 17:07:44 GMT -5
He Cheated: Do You Take Him Back or Dump Him?Admit it. Right after the shock of finding out that John Edwards had betrayed his wife with another woman, your first thought was, “Would I take my guy back if he did that?” While your knee-jerk reaction is probably to send him packing, experts say there are some situations in which he just might deserve a second chance. Read on to find out when to forgive and forget, and when you should just forget him. Buzz up! By Zoe Ruderman Right Before a Major TransitionMoving in together or getting engaged are relationship landmarks that are supposed to cement your bond. But the reality is, many guys react to these big steps by taking a step back and straying. “When a man feels his sense of freedom slipping away, he may cheat,” explains Scott Kudia, PhD, author of If This is Love, Why Am I Unhappy? “It’s very common for a normally faithful guy to panic and do something stupid before some sort of commitment.” Strangely enough, his actions often signify that he’s serious about his future with you. “The reason he cheated to begin with is that he believes you two are going to be together for a long time,” says Kudia. “He views it as his one last hurrah.” This isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card, though. Make him apologize and grovel. Then move on, knowing that this type of cheater usually doesn’t slip up more than once. He Fesses Up ASAPOf all the ways a woman can discover a philanderer, one of the least common is hearing it from the horse’s mouth. “Guys almost always keep these sorts of things a secret,” says Kudia. “The fact that he’s confessing is a huge sign. And a very good sign. View it as a cry for help.” He doesn’t want to do it again, and his way of ensuring that is by getting you to lay down the law. So, play police officer, girl. Set some guidelines and — this is important — enforce them. If he’s distraught enough over the hook-up to spill, the guy probably values you and the relationship enough to make it work. It’s a Total AberrationWe’re going to put this bluntly, so put on your big-girl pants: The guy who’s perfect for you might cheat on you. Yes, even the most amazing, flower-sending, call-returning, make-your-friends-jealous boyfriends have been known to stray. “Slip-ups happen, but the good news is that when they truly are slip-ups, they’re survivable,” says William July, PhD, author of Confessions of an Ex Bachelor. In order to salvage your twosome, it’s important to resist the urge to get revenge, make him angry, or get anxious every time he doesn’t call, according to July. If you’re capable of forgiving him and moving on, do just that. After all, it was a mistake, not his relationship MO. Bottom line: give the boy a second chance. As long as he doesn’t do it again (ever, ever, ever) and he goes back to being that practically perfect boyfriend, don’t you think he’s worth it? We do. He’s Going Through a Tough TimeYou know how when you feel stressed, you deal by watching trashy TV with a pint of Ben & Jerry's? Or surrounding yourself with 17 of your closest friends? Well, some men handle it by straying. “Guys are more likely to cheat when under great stress, because they have fewer tools in their emotional tool belt,” says July. “Their self-expression is often limited to anger and sex.” It sounds a bit counterintuitive, but if things are going well between you two, he is more likely to hook up with another woman when things get rough in other parts of his life. The reason? “He may not want to burden you with his problems,” explains Kudia. Ensure that it’s a one-time occurrence by letting him know two things: 1) You won’t judge him or think less of him if he gets fired or screws up at work or does anything else that threatens his ego. And 2) If he does it again, it’s O-V-E-R. He was Drunk and It Wasn’t EmotionalAh yes, the “It Doesn’t Count if I Was in a Different Country/Zip Code/Bar” excuse. He takes a few too many shots, temporarily forgets he is attached, and makes out with whatever girl is at arm’s length in the bar. Not cool. But also, not the worst thing that can happen. “This type of guy is immature, but he’s not necessarily an innate cheater,” explains Kudia. And luckily for you, most boys grow out of immaturity (whereas a natural-born cheater will seldom change his ways.) “Many young, college-age men don’t understand the importance of a relationship,” says Kudia. “They take their girlfriends for granted until something catastrophic happens.” When catastrophe strikes, be hard on him and tell him you won’t stick around if he doesn’t shape up and grow up. Most of the time, a healthy dose of reality is enough to straighten out an “immature cheater.” Break it Off! Five times to kick a cheater to the curb.He got it on with an ex. Going back for seconds with an old girlfriend could mean he wants to get back together with her. It was a full-fledged affair. Text messages. Secret email account. "Business" trips. This is not a slip-up. It's a double life. He didn't apologize. We're not suggesting flowers and groveling will get him off the hook. But a total lack of remorse means he just doesn't care. You two just started dating. The beginning of a relationship is when people show their best selves. If this is his best, you deserve better. He's a repeat offender. A serial strayer is unlikely to change his was. Don't waste your time trying. www.cosmopolitan.com/syndication/he-cheated-now-what?src=syn&mag=cos&dom=yah_personals&con=art&link=rel&ha=1 Adultry is bad I think they should never be allowed to get married for the rest of thier life(agan), if they cheat
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Post by redskyatnight on Nov 20, 2008 12:01:04 GMT -5
I read it and don't know what to say about it. It seems like there is some room for forgiveness if someone makes that horrible mistake, but how many times do you forgive numbers 1 through 6. What constitutes a Serial strayer?
Perhaps, it is good advice to stay and try to work it out. Hopefully cosmo will put in an article on how to rebuild trust after forgiving the affair.
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Post by jules on Nov 20, 2008 13:55:14 GMT -5
I actually don't think Cosmo is the necessarily the best source of advice in these matters. They ought to stick to fashion tips and sex techniques. And their infamous quizzes, of course! ;D
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Post by rocko on Nov 20, 2008 14:03:06 GMT -5
I must repeat...I dont' agree or disagree...I just thought it was interesting.
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Post by redskyatnight on Nov 20, 2008 16:39:35 GMT -5
I actually don't think Cosmo is the necessarily the best source of advice in these matters. They ought to stick to fashion tips and sex techniques. And their infamous quizzes, of course! ;D I've learned some very good techniques from Cosmo. (At least, they were met with grins) Maybe I'll get one of those for my solitude at Christmas and be ready for the New Year!
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Post by ionysis on Nov 23, 2008 6:42:44 GMT -5
How apt - I just found out my "perfect" boyfriend cheated on me last week. After 4 months of dating.
I've given him a second chance after he spent 5 days sobbing incoherently about his remorse, not eating or sleeping and vomiting blood.
I made him call his mother and tell her what he'd done too. She hung up on him.
I think he's learned his lesson.
But I'm watching...
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Post by freckles on Nov 23, 2008 10:54:27 GMT -5
How apt - I just found out my "perfect" boyfriend cheated on me last week. After 4 months of dating. I've given him a second chance after he spent 5 days sobbing incoherently about his remorse, not eating or sleeping and vomiting blood. I made him call his mother and tell her what he'd done too. She hung up on him. I think he's learned his lesson. But I'm watching... Was he remorseful about Cheating Or remorseful he was caught
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Post by rocko on Nov 24, 2008 8:41:03 GMT -5
How apt - I just found out my "perfect" boyfriend cheated on me last week. After 4 months of dating. I've given him a second chance after he spent 5 days sobbing incoherently about his remorse, not eating or sleeping and vomiting blood. I made him call his mother and tell her what he'd done too. She hung up on him. I think he's learned his lesson. But I'm watching... Are you doing okay?
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Post by JimB on Nov 24, 2008 9:53:57 GMT -5
I made him call his mother and tell her what he'd done too. She hung up on him. I like it.
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Post by rocko on Nov 24, 2008 11:17:52 GMT -5
I made him call his mother and tell her what he'd done too. She hung up on him. I like it. I called and told my Xmil while my ex was sobbing what he had done. It was really funny....well not then, but now.
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Post by ionysis on Nov 25, 2008 4:17:31 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm OK...
It seems my capacity to forgive people who treat me with complete disrespect is still as strong as ever.
She was a previous (mostly email based) flirtation that he had when he was on deployment before meeting me. He treated her badly because he was too cowardly to tell her straight up when he met and fell for me. He went to see her when he got back because he felt guilty, (apparantly), ended up getting wasted and stayed over at hers. The thing that really adds insult to injury is that she is a 20 year old uni student (he is 34 - "Ouch!" says my 31 year old, starting to sag and wrinkle ego).
I just wish I could understand why he did it. It seems wholly incomprehensible to me. Are men really that weak and pathetic? I believe he is genuinely utterly in love with me but still managed to do this to me 4 days after flying back from an all expenses paid 5 week stay with me in Abu Dhabi and at the same time as him telling me he wants to marry me. The thing that concerns me most is that he might be subtly insane / schitzophrenic / a psycho and I just haven't noticed. But I've met his parents and they seem to think he's quite normal (as far as anyone can be). Perhaps he is just exceedingly stupid.
For a logical person like myself I don't know why any man would risk losing a woman who they adore and who adores them, a life of ease and comfort, exotic travel and five star luxury and the chance for a family and a love that they've never had and always wanted for the sake of some 20 year old piece of ass he doesn't even want. But I guess politicians do it all the time.
I do believe that his remorse is genuine though - no one could fake that much crying and throwing up. Also he has been cheated on by the mothers of his kids and his ex-wife so knows exactly what he has done and how much he has hurt me. He claims this is the first time he has ever cheated and I do believe that too.
He wrote to my mother explaining himself and apologising. And my mother has forgiven him which, after suffering years of infidelity with my father is UTTERLY unheard of - she loathes cheaters more than anything on earth. For her to tell me she believes he is a fundamentally good man after that is - well... its incredible to me - and I value her judgement of people very highly.
He changed his phone number and email address, gave me his passwords to everything (I hope its everything anyway), told his commanding officer on the ship what he'd done and begged extra leave to spend more time with me. He's making all the right noises (and continues to sob down the phone to me several times a day about how much he hates himself).
We'll see what transpires. I just wish this hadn't happened to mar what seemed so beautiful. And I wish he hadn't proven himself to be have such a weak character. But I think he has something inside him which is worth nurturing. I also believe that he won't do it again. And I've done enough bad things in my life to make me believe that everyone deserves a second chance.
But only ONE chance. The slightest evidence of any kind of lie again and that is it - and he knows it.
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Post by rocko on Nov 25, 2008 9:31:43 GMT -5
I think a second chance is deserved as long as his action match his words and they seem to be. I hope he doesn't do it again. Too bad life doesn't offer guarantees.
I am sooo sorry you are going through this. My ex cheating hurt me so much inside. Made me so insecure.
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Post by ionysis on Nov 25, 2008 9:52:50 GMT -5
Ach! Story of my life.
At least this one didn't pay for the sex like my asshole ex.
Or crack onto my best friend like one of the other lovlies I dated.
Life's full of ups and downs isn't it?!
At least after going thru what I did with the ex anything else is pretty much a cake walk!
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Post by redskyatnight on Nov 25, 2008 11:57:54 GMT -5
At least after going thru what I did with the ex anything else is pretty much a cake walk! There is that awesome positive attitude again!
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