LgHawaiian
New Member
Everything You Want
Posts: 21
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Post by LgHawaiian on Dec 1, 2008 0:57:29 GMT -5
Here's the issue. I am pretty much in love with a friend. Said friend, while flattered, does not hold me in the same esteem. A few quotes: "When you said how you felt it would have totally gotten me if you just weren't you." And: "You're playing darts, and you only have one. Yours is thrown, and it's not a bulls eye. It's in that little ring around the bulls eye, but you're just not quite it for me." So, I respect her, obviously, and want to change my perspective to hold her in the esteem she desires and deserves. It's difficult for me to accept, being so "close to center" and being the romantic I am, and it's putting a strain on the relationship we already have. Obviously, not an ideal situation. Also, not one that's new to me. I've been in a similar situation before that There's a part of me that is so, so desperately hopeful that the women I see as "ideal" to see me as such that no matter how many times they drum it against my head, it doesn't sink in. I'm a very intelligent guy who wants so much to be loved by someone I hold in high regard and respect. In typical Virgo fashion, I need to be able to respect someone to fall for them. Being the elitist jerk I am (on the inside), finding women who earn that is quite rare. So rare, in fact, that I tend to put a death grip on anyone I find who does and scare them/smother them/etc. So, yeah, anyway, I want to be her friend. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about other guys/friends/etc without feeling like she's walking on eggshells. Problem is, I'm afraid, deathly afraid of the possibility that I can't stop loving her. If she doesn't feel it, there's no point (thank you Bonnie Raitt). Anyone out there who's been in this situation and may have some tips to somehow salvage this and turn my perspective toward friendship rather than romance? I've tried finding flaws, but they're always overshadowed. I've tried distance and time, but it's like vicodin, the feelings are still there when I wake up. Meh. I'm annoyed.
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Post by JimB on Dec 1, 2008 9:45:54 GMT -5
It is annoying. You may just have to embrace the fact that you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Funny thing about love - there's no cure. It's either requited or it isn't. If your love persists, unrequited, it will die, and likely along with it will go any prospects of friendship - dead love is pretty much mutually exclusive with friendship.
You've tried to throttle your love, and it hasn't worked. I don't have any other suggestions for shoving it aside besides what you've tried. So my thought is this: since your love isn't going away, risk the friendship by embracing the emotion. You clearly have a good connection with her - talk to her about what path the two of you could take that could give you both satisfaction.
A friendship in which your friend can't (or won't) give you what you want and expect from her is a doomed friendship anyway, much as you might like to preserve it. And believe it or not, there are benefits to losing a friendship such as this, as well: it would clear away a certain amount of "baggage" and give you a clean slate going forward, for when you do meet someone who can reciprocate your emotions.
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Post by jules on Dec 1, 2008 13:46:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry to say that I think once you're squarely in the "friend zone", elevating the relationship to another level is nearly impossible. I'm sure there is logical and scientific reasoning for this, involving pheromones and such, but regardless it seems it's just the way it is with a current and active friendship where there has never been a hint of anything more than platonic.
I think the best solution is time and space. I'm not saying you need to forget the friendship entirely, but maybe allow it to become less intense and more at arms' length, at least for a period of time until the feelings can defuse. If you are constantly spending time with her, you just won't have a chance to let that happen.
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Post by rocko on Dec 1, 2008 14:27:58 GMT -5
No advice, just one of my typical I can relate kinda deals.
I was good friends with this guy G and he fell in love with me. I really liked him, just not that way. For me the sparks just were NOT there. Anyway, he decided that he HAD TO HAVE more and kept pushing. I gave in and we went on a few dates because I didn't want to give up the friendship. I didn't like him like that, I just pitied him. I haven't spoken to him since I broke it off with him 2 weeks later. He tried to call I told him not to talk to me. I thought he was better off not having me around. I heard he met someone.
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LgHawaiian
New Member
Everything You Want
Posts: 21
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Post by LgHawaiian on Dec 8, 2008 21:59:02 GMT -5
So, I'm frustrated and hurt. I don't usually post stuff like this anymore, not anything emotionally charged, but I have no other outlet right now.
So here I am trying to figure out what to do, taking some time for myself. Also, it's close to finals at school, I'm busy. We haven't talked in the past week.
I receive a text message from aforementioned friend that, in summary, accuses me of ditching our friendship because it was "contingent on the prospect of a relationship." There were many harsh words and name calling - she's pissed. While nothing she is saying is true, she believes it and is telling me that I feel this way.
Needless to say, I'm very hurt, confused and angry. I don't get angry.
Later: I sent her an email. She chose the weapon, I'm simply changing the venue. It was civil, explanatory and clear, I think.
Let's see where that takes me. Who knows.
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Post by JimB on Dec 9, 2008 9:32:40 GMT -5
While nothing she is saying is true, Firstly, are you sure? Secondly, while I understand I don't know the whole story, my definition of a friend is someone who is supportive when I need to do what I have to do to sort out my emotions. Her reaction doesn't sound particularly supportive. Friends can't be friends anymore once the emotions get too strong. Maybe the friendship comes back some day, but it's unlikely to be able to continue in an unbroken line. I say let it go - if it's meant to be, it will come back. Not everything can be "figured out".
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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 12:12:44 GMT -5
I'm a little shocked here too. Her reaction to your silence is troubling. You are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and she is stomping you farther into the ground by using harsh words and name calling. That is NOT supportive at all. You also mention that she is telling how you feel. That's just wrong. Nobody knows how you feel except you and those people you share with. To assume you feel some way, then stating it like its a fact, is controlling.
She is not acting like a friend. She's acting like a jilted lover. You have enough to worry about with finals. I say let it go too. She is too much of a drama queen and not at all worried about how you feel. That's not a friend, that's a problem.
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Post by jules on Dec 9, 2008 12:57:52 GMT -5
I'm sorry she hurt you. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've heard of such a reaction from this type of situation, and I'm sure it won't be the last. It's generally the reaction of someone who does not want the responsibility and commitment of a relationship, but enjoys the flattery of a "crush," to the point where it is not only part of the identity of your friendship, but part of her own personal identity as well, so when that is taken away (for very valid reasons, I'd like to emphasize) she's a bit at a loss, and it pisses her off.
I'll agree with what's already been said. Let it ride. Don't try to appease her at the sake of only hurting yourself more in the long run. If it is a true friendship it will survive this. If not, then it never was.
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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 13:31:11 GMT -5
It's generally the reaction of someone who does not want the responsibility and commitment of a relationship, but enjoys the flattery of a "crush," to the point where it is not only part of the identity of your friendship, but part of her own personal identity as well, so when that is taken away (for very valid reasons, I'd like to emphasize) she's a bit at a loss, and it pisses her off. +1
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LgHawaiian
New Member
Everything You Want
Posts: 21
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Post by LgHawaiian on Dec 10, 2008 10:03:44 GMT -5
Thanks folks. I just wish this had come at a time other than now... During finals.
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