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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 12:51:06 GMT -5
I don't know if this belongs here or on the Vent, but I need some advice, so I'm putting it here.
It's about the property settlement. He was suppose to give me the engagement ring by May 31, 2006. I asked for it a couple times over the course of the year, along with the rest of the things from the property settlement. Nothing happened.
Fast forward to September of this year. I bring up the settlement in co-parenting and slowly things are getting done. I'm off the title and loan for the house; although, I had to set up the lawyer for it, even though the settlement required him to it.
I have my furniture. The cars are titled in our separate names.
The one thing left is the engagment ring. He has been dragging his feet on it. In early Nov., he said, in co-parenting, that he had the paperwork and the ring and we would exchange it the following Saturday.
He cancelled on Saturday, saying he was going out of town.
Late November, in co-parenting, he said he didn't know anything about the paperwork, it was the first he heard about it. The counselor stopped him and reminded him that last session, he said he had it. Anyway, we arrange to make the exchange on Dec. 1.
Dec 1 - I'm ready, he says he doesn't have the paperwork and throws in a little name-calling. I told him we would have to have it reappraised if the paperwork was lost. He said he would look for it some more.
Dec 8 - No ring, no paperwork, lots of name calling (while the kids are in the car across the street) and a final statement that I will never see that ring again. I just walked away.
OK - so I am annoyed right now which is why I'm posting here and not calling an emergency co-parenting meeting or calling my lawyer.
Fine, if he want to keep the ring, I think we should get an independent appraisal and he can buy me out.
I know he's not going to do it. Not without a court order, but I'm trying everything I can to avoid court.
I'll bring it up when we meet with the counselor again on Jan 14. I'm also pissed that he has to resort to name-calling and anger. I hate that I still react to it. I hate that he is still putting this off. This is the one last thing from the property settlement. Finish this and its done!
ARhG!!!
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Post by jules on Dec 9, 2008 13:01:42 GMT -5
Since May 2006?? I don't know why your lawyer hasn't had him served with contempt a long time ago. (He'll be responsible for all legal fees and court fees that incur in order to make him hold up his end of the agreement.)
Notify him he has 2 weeks to hand it over, otherwise he will be served.
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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 13:20:41 GMT -5
Two weeks or two years - he's not going to give it up, and I did tell him that he left me with no choice, but to file with the court and he would be responsible for ALL the attorney fees. He knows I'm not bluffing.
My attorney hasn't filed because I haven't asked him to. We were still in custody court and court ordered co-parenting. I was trying my hardest to work with him and I have a witness (the counselor) who can testify to that in court.
The custody is done, apprently, I have set a precedent for co-parenting. The judge said, based on my case, she has contracted with a local University to get parents into co-parenting (if they can't afford private counseling) before deciding custody. I think that's great and if it can work with my ex, it can work with most people.
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Post by amola on Dec 9, 2008 14:28:35 GMT -5
my first thought is that he hocked the ring.....
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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 15:34:06 GMT -5
my first thought is that he hocked the ring..... Perhaps, but it would be out of character. He doesn't get rid of anything unless it is towed off the street, or the rats each it. He has junk mail that's 20 years old, at least. When he cut off his ratty, ponytail in some dramatic event in his counselor's office, he presented it to me. I threw it in the trash. Gross! He wanted it back! Even grosser! I guess this is turning into a vent.
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Post by amola on Dec 9, 2008 15:46:19 GMT -5
maybe he lost it then, and is just trying to buy time? i dunno. my other thought would be that he's holding on to it just for that little bit of control. it sounds to me like you've got a good head on your shoulders, while he might be a little flaky (for lack of a better word and not knowing your entire story) so maybe he's holding on to it just to irritate you. that's something that my ex would do.
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Post by rocko on Dec 9, 2008 15:54:56 GMT -5
How much is it worth?? Wouldn't it be easier just to let him have it?
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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 16:21:21 GMT -5
How much is it worth?? Wouldn't it be easier just to let him have it? I could get anywhere from $3000 to $4000 for it, so I'm gonna hold my ground on this one.
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Post by rocko on Dec 9, 2008 16:42:57 GMT -5
oh well...yah...that might be worth the trouble. We paid 1600 for mine on sale and I couldnt' get anything for it. I actually traded it for a shed that was worth $1200 new.
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Post by JimB on Dec 9, 2008 16:49:37 GMT -5
It never ceases to amaze me how hung up divorced couples can get on material things.
Before you start in on me, yes, I know it's more than just a material thing. It has sentimental value, and it has real monetary value as well. And it's the principle of the thing. I get it.
But in the big picture, it's a very, very small thing. You're having a pretty good life without it. It has nothing to do with the well-being of yourself or your children. Would it be nice to "win"? Sure, it would. But there's no real reason to get all stirred up about it. He's pushing your buttons, because you're holding up a giant red button that says "push me".
I know, I know - you've given in on so many other small things, you just have to draw the line somewhere, right? True. But if you're drawing lines in places that have nothing to do with the happiness of you and your children, that strikes me as pretty arbitrary. Erase the line and draw it somewhere else.
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Post by jules on Dec 9, 2008 17:01:37 GMT -5
It never ceases to amaze me how hung up divorced couples can get on material things. Before you start in on me, yes, I know it's more than just a material thing. It has sentimental value, and it has real monetary value as well. And it's the principle of the thing. I get it. But in the big picture, it's a very, very small thing. You're having a pretty good life without it. It has nothing to do with the well-being of yourself or your children. Would it be nice to "win"? Sure, it would. But there's no real reason to get all stirred up about it. He's pushing your buttons, because you're holding up a giant red button that says "push me". I know, I know - you've given in on so many other small things, you just have to draw the line somewhere, right? True. But if you're drawing lines in places that have nothing to do with the happiness of you and your children, that strikes me as pretty arbitrary. Erase the line and draw it somewhere else. Hmm... JimB, are you suggesting that she is in the wrong for enforcing a legal agreement? I'll have to strongly disagree. It's about living up to adult responsibilities, which is the very opposite of petty or arbitrary.
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Post by redskyatnight on Dec 9, 2008 17:14:57 GMT -5
It never ceases to amaze me how hung up divorced couples can get on material things. Before you start in on me, yes, I know it's more than just a material thing. It has sentimental value, and it has real monetary value as well. And it's the principle of the thing. I get it. But in the big picture, it's a very, very small thing. You're having a pretty good life without it. It has nothing to do with the well-being of yourself or your children. Would it be nice to "win"? Sure, it would. But there's no real reason to get all stirred up about it. He's pushing your buttons, because you're holding up a giant red button that says "push me". I know, I know - you've given in on so many other small things, you just have to draw the line somewhere, right? True. But if you're drawing lines in places that have nothing to do with the happiness of you and your children, that strikes me as pretty arbitrary. Erase the line and draw it somewhere else. Thanks jules - and yes Jim, I see what you are saying, but it is about living up to responsibility. He got out of so many responsibilities because I just gave up or did it for him. He has a pattern of agreeing to something, then forgetting he made the committment. This has gone on for years. If I draw the line in another place, he'll just push that line too. This is a legal agreement that was carefully negotiated two and a half years ago. The time for compromise was then, not now. I've been patient, and I've compromised on the small stuff. I'm not letting this go. I'm not being unreasonable. He is being irresponsible.
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Post by JimB on Dec 9, 2008 17:32:42 GMT -5
Regarding the legal agreement: if it were simply a legal matter, the lawyers would have taken care of it a long time ago. If I'm reading the situation correctly, that's not the best way to deal with things, because given his passive-aggressiveness, he'd find a way to extract his pound of flesh elsewhere if forced legally to comply in this particular case. Red, it's not that I think you're being unreasonable, or that I think he's not being irresponsible. I'm not casting judgment on your attitude at all. But the one controllable in this situation is where you draw the line. You can't make him want to cooperate, and you can't make him less passive-aggressive or irresponsible. What you can do is find a way to make this less important to you. And all I'm saying is that if you can take a step back, this small thing is not really that important at all. It's just a slightly higher-dollar version of Wizer's ladder (remember that one?). It's a perfectly viable solution to the problem, if the problem is your stress and frustration. But it's ok if you don't like my solution.
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Post by gdgross on Dec 9, 2008 18:55:28 GMT -5
First off the bat, he needs to live up to what he agreed to.
However, I do want to offer another perspective from my point of view, and please keep in mind I don't know you or your situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
If my ex had wanted to keep the ring I would have been pissed. She left me. IMO, the decent thing to do was give me back the ring. When she asked me, I told her it was a gift from me and she had the choice to do with it what she wanted, but that I thought the honorable thing to do was to return it to me, which she did.
I don't know how your split went down, and there is the legal thing that he agreed to. But if he sees the divorce as your fault or mostly your fault, perhaps he just feels that it's wrong for you to keep it, legalities notwithstanding. I know if my ex had tried to keep it, it would have just made me think she was greedy.
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Post by rocko on Dec 10, 2008 8:45:05 GMT -5
Regarding the legal agreement: if it were simply a legal matter, the lawyers would have taken care of it a long time ago. If I'm reading the situation correctly, that's not the best way to deal with things, because given his passive-aggressiveness, he'd find a way to extract his pound of flesh elsewhere if forced legally to comply in this particular case. Red, it's not that I think you're being unreasonable, or that I think he's not being irresponsible. I'm not casting judgment on your attitude at all. But the one controllable in this situation is where you draw the line. You can't make him want to cooperate, and you can't make him less passive-aggressive or irresponsible. What you can do is find a way to make this less important to you. And all I'm saying is that if you can take a step back, this small thing is not really that important at all. It's just a slightly higher-dollar version of Wizer's ladder (remember that one?). It's a perfectly viable solution to the problem, if the problem is your stress and frustration. But it's ok if you don't like my solution. What I take from this is.... Is it worth all the stress and negative feelings to try to teach the ex a lesson? How much is your time and energy worth to you?
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