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Post by amola on Dec 10, 2008 15:25:15 GMT -5
Amola, I'm used to Freckles from Ojar...he is a very 'unique and special' person and we used to just treat him as such. :-) Nothing he says bothers me but thank you for the thought. More later... oh i know, i've gotten that impression.........just sometimes some comments really rub me the wrong way and i find it physcially impossible to stop from responding...... 'sides, anyone who knows me well knows that it took a great deal of strength to not totally mouth off, especially when it comes to judging others...... ;D however, since i haven't been around this particular site for very long, i'm trying to restrain myself from mouthing off......*gritting teeth* just wait 'til you see one of my famous rants..........
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Post by hoodieprincess on Dec 11, 2008 10:13:16 GMT -5
just wait 'til you see one of my famous rants.......... Not trying to change the topic of the thread, just wanted to add...Hold tight to your seat when one of those comes around!!
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Post by amola on Dec 11, 2008 10:15:00 GMT -5
just wait 'til you see one of my famous rants.......... Not trying to change the topic of the thread, just wanted to add...Hold tight to your seat when one of those comes around!! ;D
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Post by hoodieprincess on Dec 11, 2008 10:15:36 GMT -5
RD~
Just wanted to add that I think you are doing a wonderful job at trying to take into consideration all perspectives posted on here. It can take a lot of time and emotional energy to look deeper into ourselves than to pick out potential flaws with others so knowing that you are trying to examine where you could possibly change in this situation as well is very encouraging to see.
I think the situation you're in must be a little complicated and I can imagine that it isn't going to be easy no matter which road you take here. So, I am wishing for stregnth for you to pull through no matter what choices you make. Best of luck to you.
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Post by jules on Dec 11, 2008 13:37:44 GMT -5
I see now that I definitely have a lot of work to do on my own self. It's not really about him at all, is it? It's really my insecurities that are showing here, huh. You have some figuring out to do, for sure, but it's not really anything to do with insecurities. It's more about deciding what is important to you. And knowing that it is GOOD to know what will and won't make you happy. (I know I used to think that this was selfish or shallow, but it really isn't. It's worse to settle and then be miserable, because that's unfair to both partners.)
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Post by Phyxius on Dec 11, 2008 15:07:52 GMT -5
I was trying to be helpful That's the worrisome part, Freck...
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Post by shattered on Dec 12, 2008 10:36:16 GMT -5
I think there are a gazillion valid concerns here, but one sentence jumped out at me screaming with flashing lights:
"Do I end it because he'll never be 'good enough' for my friends and family?"
It you're making what other people think of him a priority over what *you* think of him, you'll end up breaking up with him anyway.
Figure out what *you* want and are comfortable with, and then tackle the challenges (not the other way around).
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Post by hoodieprincess on Dec 12, 2008 10:54:00 GMT -5
I think there are a gazillion valid concerns here, but one sentence jumped out at me screaming with flashing lights: "Do I end it because he'll never be 'good enough' for my friends and family?"It you're making what other people think of him a priority over what *you* think of him, you'll end up breaking up with him anyway. Figure out what *you* want and are comfortable with, and then tackle the challenges (not the other way around). VERY, VERY good point... I think that is what I was trying to say earlier but couldn't make it as clear as you just did!!
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Post by rd2942 on Jan 2, 2009 23:48:01 GMT -5
Hello All,
Sorry for the long delay in responding - I moved the weekend of the 13th, and then had visitors throughout the holidays - and literally had not a second to think, breathe, or reflect on anything...didn't even have time to visit the board!
Let me just say thank you to everyone who responded - for your time, thoughts, and insights. I actually posted this on another board around the same time and got a response that I was a snob and he was a doormat. I thought that was an interesting insight...although not one I was trying to portray. Anyway, I am going to take some time to think and reflect, and will be back shortly with a new post... thanks again to all. I hope that everyone had a very nice holiday and a very happy New Year!
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Post by rd2942 on Jan 16, 2009 14:43:44 GMT -5
So, basically, I had a frank conversation with my mother, who said that she had her suspicions about the relationship but wasn't sure, and didn't want to believe it because she never thought "I'd go to that level". She basically compared this guy to her friend's personal assistant saying that her friend couldn't live without the personal assistant, because he did so much for her, but she'd never have a relationship with him.
SHe said that it felt good for me right now because he was fulfilling some of my needs but that I shouldn't make any long-term decisions, ie marry the guy. Also my relationship is apparently very painful for her because she thinks so highly of me, and I could do so much better, and 'oh my god, he didn't even go to culinary school! He worked his way up from a pizza boy!'
I never thought my mother could be a snob - she is a life coach after all - but oh goodness, she's an f'n snob! That hurts.
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Post by rd2942 on Jan 16, 2009 14:45:01 GMT -5
So, basically, I had a frank conversation with my mother, who said that she had her suspicions about the relationship but wasn't sure, and didn't want to believe it because she never thought "I'd go to that level". She basically compared this guy to her friend's personal assistant saying that her friend couldn't live without the personal assistant, because he did so much for her, but she'd never have a relationship with him. SHe said that it felt good for me right now because he was fulfilling some of my needs but that I shouldn't make any long-term decisions, ie marry the guy. Also my relationship is apparently very painful for her because she thinks so highly of me, and I could do so much better, and 'oh my god, he didn't even go to culinary school! He worked his way up from a pizza boy!' I never thought my mother could be a snob - she is a life coach after all - but oh goodness, she's an f'n snob! That hurts. I am so sad for my mother.
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Post by shattered on Jan 16, 2009 15:12:31 GMT -5
So, basically, I had a frank conversation with my mother, who said that she had her suspicions about the relationship but wasn't sure, and didn't want to believe it because she never thought "I'd go to that level". She basically compared this guy to her friend's personal assistant saying that her friend couldn't live without the personal assistant, because he did so much for her, but she'd never have a relationship with him. SHe said that it felt good for me right now because he was fulfilling some of my needs but that I shouldn't make any long-term decisions, ie marry the guy. Also my relationship is apparently very painful for her because she thinks so highly of me, and I could do so much better, and 'oh my god, he didn't even go to culinary school! He worked his way up from a pizza boy!' I never thought my mother could be a snob - she is a life coach after all - but oh goodness, she's an f'n snob! That hurts. I am so sad for my mother. rd2942 It is sad indeed that your mother feels that way. Working his way up from pizza boy is something to be admired, not looked down on. Yes, your mom sounds like a snob in regards to this. But, hey, there are worse things, right? What are her qualities that you admire or value most? Perhaps you can use one of them as an avenue to getting her to see the guy and his achievements in a different light, or to perhaps change her attitude about such things in general. And maybe no matter what you say or do will change her mind. So be it. You can still love her while making your own decisions, even if she disagrees with them.
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Post by jules on Jan 16, 2009 16:17:02 GMT -5
My parents would probably feel similarly, even if they wouldn't come out and say it quite so bluntly. Which is pretty ironic because both of them come from blue collar backgrounds.
I can so relate with the struggle for parental disapproval regarding their feeling you are doing something that is "beneath" what they want for you, and the subsequent guilt. A friend recently suggested that I read Toxic Parents that is supposed to have suggestions as to how to deal with that sort of thing.
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Post by rd2942 on Jan 16, 2009 17:04:41 GMT -5
Oh, I forgot, he is also not good enough financially, and not attractive enough to be with me. Also, he just 'won't fit in with the family'. And she said that she loves me and wants me to be happy but it will take her time to accept him, and so she doesn't want to meet him or be part of occasions when he is around.
I can't understand why she would act this way - I would think that after all I have been through, she would just want me to be happy. I can't understand this violent reaction against him. I have friends who think he is 'not enough' for me, which I understand - we are very different. But why this vehement reaction from my mother? I just don't get it?
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Post by Phoenixx on Jan 19, 2009 7:01:24 GMT -5
rd -
I'm sorry about the reactio you were given. I too come from a family that would never agree with someone who didn't earn within a high bracket and had at least 2 degrees (as most people within my family do). Ironically, there was once that we had absolutely nothing. I can understand the expectations that parents ma have and the pressure it puts on you and your relationship.
Have you thought sitting your mother down and asking about why HER reaction is so strong? This seems to be more about her than you. Parents do want the best for their children, but regardless of his background (and I agree with Shattered, it should be a VERY admirable thing that he worked his way up, how many CEO's have done that with their own companies?) she should be happy that he is treating you so wonderfully and making you feel so good.
That said, life is not a fairytale. Sometimes, someone ends up disappointed. We can't please everyone. What it comes down to is, do you want to be with him? Do YOU feel he is good enough for you?
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