Post by Kim Possible on Dec 22, 2008 8:28:51 GMT -5
I used to keep a journal on my old laptop. I don't really feel like searching for the file, and don't really want to admit that I need to make another entry (after months of feeling really good), so I'll just pick up right here.
It's been exactly three years and nine months since I heard the words "I don't want to be married to you anymore". He said it ever so casually, as if to say "I'm tired of the tan walls, let's paint them red". And red he went. He got himself (what I'm sure he believes to be) a 'hot little number' and has since painted me out (no pun intended) to be the evil-est bitch in the world. I really don't give a shit that he thinks I am a bitch (b/c I know I am not), and I know deep down, I did nothing to him to drive him away from me. But it's still about the type of parent he makes me out to be. He will never give me any sort of credit, whatsoever. I am incompetent, and as he put it "one of us needs to be the adult here".
S hurt herself in school, and of course, who's fault is it? It can't possibly be his, so it has to be mine!! And since he can't really say it is my fault, I was neglectful in addressing it. I was informed by the school nurse that her foot was bothering her during gym, and based on her assessment, she stayed in school, and informed them that I could pick her up early if need be. I did not get a call, so I picked her up at regular dismissal, and she was still complaining. I sae nothing overtly wrong with her, but to be safe, I took her to be x-rayed. I called him to let him know. That was the beginning of the end.
First, he refuses to give me her updated health insurance info (which I have already asked for before) and berates me for walking around without it (how can I have it if you won't give it to me). This held us up an hour in the doc's office. But I'm the child here. He refused to give it to me, and they would not see her without it. He had to call the office himself. And he was such an ass, he didn't even have the right info.
Then HE makes the executive decision that she will not attend her Christmas pageant that night (this is while we are still waiting to be seen). Why, you ask? Because he had no intention of going (he had to work, and I can appreciate that), but now he didn't have to say "sorry, I can't come". We went anyway, the doc spoke to him on the phone (b/c I couldn't possibly relay the message to him about the outcome), and said he felt she could handle it, with limitations of course (my family was there, in addition to a number of able bodied adults).
So the bottom line is, I am incompetent, and Child Protective Services will be paying me a visit. Just like he is suing for full custody of her for the past 3.5 years. I dared him to have them come visit me, so they can take her away from me. This was Thursday, and I am still waiting.
So after almost 4 years, we are still playing the game, the "I am the better parent" game. I've posted this theme many times before in the three years I've been here. He has not changed a bit, he only has less frequent periods of exacerbations. I have genreally been able to handle them better, and can laugh at many of his episodes. But some are not as funny. I am not afraid of his empty threats (and I have told him his threats are empty, and that gets him all riled up and stuttery). But when he questions my ability as a parent (and a nurse, btw) it hurts. But I know what that is about. He is not an idiot, but he is stuck where he is in his career and his education level, and I have becmome a professor and received my Masters degree since we are apart. He cannot handle that. And I never use that in conversation. And even if I was a businesswoman, lawyer, chef, whatever, I am a MOTHER. But that means nothing to him.
So since I am advanced in my career, he needs to find another way to bring me down. But since he's the one that needs therapy, why do I feel like I have to go back in? Why can't anyone he associates with (his family, his gf) see what is wrong with him and say something?
Now S is upset with him, did not want to talk to him that night (but eventually did, and is over it for now). She is starting to see just what type of person he is, she sees how he treats me. But she will always have an allegiance to him, I guess.
I have two loving parents, who would do anything for their granddaughter. I have a great bf, tons of friends, including her Godfather (who is like a brother to me), who are so supportive. They know him, and the type of person he is, and belive every word that I say (although who can believe everything he does). Yet, I am all alone. When that phone rings and his name pops up, it is me vs. the world. No one else (except my daughter) exsists in the world, no one else can fight this battle for me. I wish I could just hand the phone to someone else and let them tell him off (b/c I am not strong enough, nor do I beleive in stooping to his level). Ironically, my roommate answered the phone twice during this last issue (b/c I was busy with S in the basement and the phone was upstairs) and he hung up on her. He called back, and she picked it up again, and he hung up again.
After being told something so many times, you can't help but start to believe it...
It's been exactly three years and nine months since I heard the words "I don't want to be married to you anymore". He said it ever so casually, as if to say "I'm tired of the tan walls, let's paint them red". And red he went. He got himself (what I'm sure he believes to be) a 'hot little number' and has since painted me out (no pun intended) to be the evil-est bitch in the world. I really don't give a shit that he thinks I am a bitch (b/c I know I am not), and I know deep down, I did nothing to him to drive him away from me. But it's still about the type of parent he makes me out to be. He will never give me any sort of credit, whatsoever. I am incompetent, and as he put it "one of us needs to be the adult here".
S hurt herself in school, and of course, who's fault is it? It can't possibly be his, so it has to be mine!! And since he can't really say it is my fault, I was neglectful in addressing it. I was informed by the school nurse that her foot was bothering her during gym, and based on her assessment, she stayed in school, and informed them that I could pick her up early if need be. I did not get a call, so I picked her up at regular dismissal, and she was still complaining. I sae nothing overtly wrong with her, but to be safe, I took her to be x-rayed. I called him to let him know. That was the beginning of the end.
First, he refuses to give me her updated health insurance info (which I have already asked for before) and berates me for walking around without it (how can I have it if you won't give it to me). This held us up an hour in the doc's office. But I'm the child here. He refused to give it to me, and they would not see her without it. He had to call the office himself. And he was such an ass, he didn't even have the right info.
Then HE makes the executive decision that she will not attend her Christmas pageant that night (this is while we are still waiting to be seen). Why, you ask? Because he had no intention of going (he had to work, and I can appreciate that), but now he didn't have to say "sorry, I can't come". We went anyway, the doc spoke to him on the phone (b/c I couldn't possibly relay the message to him about the outcome), and said he felt she could handle it, with limitations of course (my family was there, in addition to a number of able bodied adults).
So the bottom line is, I am incompetent, and Child Protective Services will be paying me a visit. Just like he is suing for full custody of her for the past 3.5 years. I dared him to have them come visit me, so they can take her away from me. This was Thursday, and I am still waiting.
So after almost 4 years, we are still playing the game, the "I am the better parent" game. I've posted this theme many times before in the three years I've been here. He has not changed a bit, he only has less frequent periods of exacerbations. I have genreally been able to handle them better, and can laugh at many of his episodes. But some are not as funny. I am not afraid of his empty threats (and I have told him his threats are empty, and that gets him all riled up and stuttery). But when he questions my ability as a parent (and a nurse, btw) it hurts. But I know what that is about. He is not an idiot, but he is stuck where he is in his career and his education level, and I have becmome a professor and received my Masters degree since we are apart. He cannot handle that. And I never use that in conversation. And even if I was a businesswoman, lawyer, chef, whatever, I am a MOTHER. But that means nothing to him.
So since I am advanced in my career, he needs to find another way to bring me down. But since he's the one that needs therapy, why do I feel like I have to go back in? Why can't anyone he associates with (his family, his gf) see what is wrong with him and say something?
Now S is upset with him, did not want to talk to him that night (but eventually did, and is over it for now). She is starting to see just what type of person he is, she sees how he treats me. But she will always have an allegiance to him, I guess.
I have two loving parents, who would do anything for their granddaughter. I have a great bf, tons of friends, including her Godfather (who is like a brother to me), who are so supportive. They know him, and the type of person he is, and belive every word that I say (although who can believe everything he does). Yet, I am all alone. When that phone rings and his name pops up, it is me vs. the world. No one else (except my daughter) exsists in the world, no one else can fight this battle for me. I wish I could just hand the phone to someone else and let them tell him off (b/c I am not strong enough, nor do I beleive in stooping to his level). Ironically, my roommate answered the phone twice during this last issue (b/c I was busy with S in the basement and the phone was upstairs) and he hung up on her. He called back, and she picked it up again, and he hung up again.
After being told something so many times, you can't help but start to believe it...