Post by blu on Dec 31, 2008 15:29:36 GMT -5
As the year comes to a close I realize that we all naturally become reflective, whether it is the solstice, the changing of the seasons or the Hallmark effect, I find myself there too.
So in 2008 I am leaving behind... or at least trying really hard to do so. Join me if you want to.....
Anger - the only remnant of my divorce seems to be anger. I am still angry when I feel duped or cheated by his ability to move on and leave the girls, to quit our life we planned, leaving me holding the check for it all. Since being angry has never resulted in anything positive, I am going to leave it behind as much as possible. He remarried suddenly in November so he is her project now.
Guilt - I often find myself feeling guilty about my parenting and my inability to provide everything and every experience for the girls that I want to. This is it the one life I get with them and I am the one mom they get, so its time to do my best and enjoy whatever that brings. There are other very wonderful people in their life and they can help me complete the circle. While I am at it I will leave the guilt about work, being a good child, sister, aunt and friend behind too.
Fear - I find myself so fearful of loving and being loved that like parenting I may be missing the bus here. I have a great man in my life, he and his family are wonderful, caring, accepting and kind to me. I need to trust this enough to enjoy it fully and not worry the whole time about what is real. I used to be able to trust my instinct but with fear of the past and the damage I need to reset it back to whole... not the pieces .
Grief - there is a time for it and now two years alter the time has passed. I will now celebrate the amazing young woman she was and remind her sisters of the good and leave behind the grief, anger and fear that causes the pain in memories and not the joy.
Unhealthy hope - I will stop hoping for changes in life that are tied to unrealistic expectations and work for acceptance that the people we have loved and there for the time they are supposed to be and whatever the plan. Sometimes I just have to accept it is not up to me to always have the answers or solve the puzzle,. people have to do their own work. The friends who cannot find the effort and the people who seem to not value friendship as I do.
And lastly - my piano man. For years I told people that love was just not enough when they asked about you, now I know it really is about love but it will never be the dream I once hoped. Welcome to this new friendship J.
So that is probably enough. Anybody else want to leave anything behind?
So in 2008 I am leaving behind... or at least trying really hard to do so. Join me if you want to.....
Anger - the only remnant of my divorce seems to be anger. I am still angry when I feel duped or cheated by his ability to move on and leave the girls, to quit our life we planned, leaving me holding the check for it all. Since being angry has never resulted in anything positive, I am going to leave it behind as much as possible. He remarried suddenly in November so he is her project now.
Guilt - I often find myself feeling guilty about my parenting and my inability to provide everything and every experience for the girls that I want to. This is it the one life I get with them and I am the one mom they get, so its time to do my best and enjoy whatever that brings. There are other very wonderful people in their life and they can help me complete the circle. While I am at it I will leave the guilt about work, being a good child, sister, aunt and friend behind too.
Fear - I find myself so fearful of loving and being loved that like parenting I may be missing the bus here. I have a great man in my life, he and his family are wonderful, caring, accepting and kind to me. I need to trust this enough to enjoy it fully and not worry the whole time about what is real. I used to be able to trust my instinct but with fear of the past and the damage I need to reset it back to whole... not the pieces .
Grief - there is a time for it and now two years alter the time has passed. I will now celebrate the amazing young woman she was and remind her sisters of the good and leave behind the grief, anger and fear that causes the pain in memories and not the joy.
Unhealthy hope - I will stop hoping for changes in life that are tied to unrealistic expectations and work for acceptance that the people we have loved and there for the time they are supposed to be and whatever the plan. Sometimes I just have to accept it is not up to me to always have the answers or solve the puzzle,. people have to do their own work. The friends who cannot find the effort and the people who seem to not value friendship as I do.
And lastly - my piano man. For years I told people that love was just not enough when they asked about you, now I know it really is about love but it will never be the dream I once hoped. Welcome to this new friendship J.
So that is probably enough. Anybody else want to leave anything behind?